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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feel like husband doesn't care

990 replies

Chickencuddle · 03/03/2020 12:22

Feel like his priorities are football and sex and then the kids and everything else and then me at the bottom. I know I sound like a spoiled brat. But I dont need much. Just feel like he doesnt care about me.
For example I have been very poorly recently ended up in a and e and still feeling very ill on the way home from A and E he grabbed my hand and made me touch his boner. I was like why have you got a boner now. He was just like "can you sort it out for me."
The kids were asleep in the back but could have woken up at any minute. I said no u felt awful and anyway the kids are in the back and it's not right to do hat when they are there.
He was all aww you could just Bob your head down or use your hand and be discreet.
Etc.
I was talking seriously the other day about going back to work to help with Bill's etc. Maybe doing a short course to get back into work. He wasnt really listening and then just said
Aye well you dont have to sell your body in the meantime.
I was like what? As if I would ever do that and I just feel like that's all he thinks I'm good for.
Asked him to watch the kids for an hour the other day because I was feeling so ill I thought I might pass out and he just complained about not being able to watch football.
The only time he hugs me or is nice to me is if he wants something.
Everything is a sexual innuendo and always dry humping me. I just feel like a piece of meat someti.es and just wish he would back off. Let me get better and be caring.
Am I being a brat or what?

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 08/03/2020 08:17

I want to leave just dont know how and worry about how we would manage and what would happen going to wait for email back if womens aid.

It's great that you have contacted Women's Aid but can you also call Gingerbread for practical advice on how to leave him and be a single he parent. The sooner you start planning and set things in motion, the less anxious and more in control you'll feel.

I wouldn't want to collect anything until last minute incase he notices....

You don't want to leave it till the last moment. You may not have time or a safe opportunity to do so at that stage. Can you take photos of all vital documents and set up a secure email account to email them to yourself?

HelgaHere1 · 08/03/2020 08:22

What you have to do is find out how much money you would have to live on if you left, whether you might get to keep the house etc etc etc
While you don't know any of this splitting seems a big scary nightmare.
But once you know you can live at X, have Y amount of money to live on or whatever ........ THEN you can make a plan.
So at the moment you don't need to make any decisions or say anything to him or to any other family member. You just need to collect information, go to or phone Women's Aid, Citizens Advice Bureau (now CAB). When you have information you can think things through properly.

Lillipop87 · 08/03/2020 08:34

I'm so sorry that you are in this position. I agree could you get out for a while?give yourself a chance to think without him there upsetting you. Citizens advice is a good idea act you can explain your situation to them and they can give you good practical advice and let you know your rights such as if you would be able to stay in the house ect. I think you need real life support too is there anyone that you can trust I know you said you don't have family but youve mentioned your friends a few times do you feel you can talk to them about this they may be able to help in some way. Find out info for you if you are struggling to do it without him knowing. I hope things improve for you soon op and that women's aid get back to you quickly with some help. Xx

Mittens030869 · 08/03/2020 09:10

I'm so sorry, he really is a total creep. There's no way you should have to put up with the way he's treating you. And he's also blatantly gaslighting you. Could you take your DC with you and stay with one of your friends (maybe the one who has seen that he's controlling?

If you stay, you could of course tell him he's to sleep on the sofa, but I wouldn't trust him not to sneak back into your bedroom whilst you're asleep.

You're getting some very good advice. But it will take time to be ready to leave and you shouldn't have to put up with this man's sexual abuse in the meantime. Thanks

Chickencuddle · 08/03/2020 09:14

Thank you everyone. I have one friend I've confided in she said she would help in any way she can I dont really want to tell many people.
My husband keeps the documents somewhere. I dont have any time without the kids and today with husband all day and have hos family all week I will really have no time on my own this week so theres nothing I can do atm
We have no money atm. So I dont think I would have anything to live off could maybe get £50.
I will contact them as soon as I can but I'm never alone atm.
This is why I'm so worried. Bo support and no time to do anything.
May have time week after.

OP posts:
Lillipop87 · 08/03/2020 09:29

Does he hold on to all the money op or do you have access to any ? Well done in confiding in your friend. The next opportunity you get when the family have gone do go and get some advice maybe when he goes to work? Perhaps your friend would look after the DC while you go and sort some things out. X

Chickencuddle · 08/03/2020 09:41

We have a joint account but he checks it all the time and knows everything I spend. So how could I take anything without him knowing.

OP posts:
OliviaBenson · 08/03/2020 10:31

Cash back at the supermarket doesn't show on online banking op.

Chickencuddle · 08/03/2020 10:37

No but he will ask me what i bought. I'm thinking sometimes he gives me cash to get petrol or something. Or for something at school and I get a few quid change I could save all of those up over a few weeks. And then a bigger chunk nearer the time.

OP posts:
Lillipop87 · 08/03/2020 11:26

Save anything you can in change here and there you would be surprised how quickly it can add up and he won't notice as much as large chunks going missing. Citizens advice should be able to give you advise about anything you are entitled to aswell. X

12345kbm · 08/03/2020 12:04

I'm sorry to hear that happened OP but at least we know and, are certain that he was never doing it in his sleep and always knew what he was doing to you.

It might be an idea, as pp have mentioned, to pack some bags for yourself and the children and leave them with your friend. Here's what to pack.

Abusers sense when they are losing control and their abuse can escalate, so if it seems as though he's going to force himself on you again then please dial 999 and get away from him. Here's information on making a safety plan.

We'll stick to the plan of waiting to hear back from Women's Aid and phoning Gingerbread next week. In the meantime, see if you can pack some bags and read the information on making a safety plan.

I know you're busy next week with relatives visiting but hopefully that will keep your husband occupied enough. You'll need a pen and paper for the conversation as they'll give you lots of information you'll need to write down, so have that to hand when you make the phone call.

You want to ask Gingerbread about: Child Maintenance, Benefits/Tax Credits/Universal Credit, Child Contact Arrangements and Housing Rights.

They also know about emergency funds and grants and they are trained in domestic abuse OP, so can help you with that. If you can get copies of any of the financial documents to prepare for the phone call, that would be a good idea. However, don't do anything that may risk your safety. You have access to the joint bank account so can see what's going in regarding wages/benefits hopefully.

Once you've done that, you'll have a clearer idea of where you stand in the event of separation and your options.

We'll then work on getting legal advice.

Babysharkdoodoodood · 08/03/2020 12:35

And don't ever mention leaving to him!

Chickencuddle · 08/03/2020 17:05

I wont mention it.
I never get a moment alone that's the problem.
I'm worried after reading that. I have no evidence and cant sneak alot away without him noticing. Nowhere to put it etc. I have noone and just feel like this is hopeless. :(

OP posts:
EJ1000 · 08/03/2020 17:13

I’m new on here so not sure how it all works but if you can, see my post about husband being angry cos I don’t want sex,,, our husbands seen the same type 🙄I know it’s difficult to leave. My husband can also be good with the kids (when not wanting to leave them unattended in the bath) but ultimately, he will always put himself above me and both of them, and more and more I know it won’t change. It’s not the right time to leave yet but I’m edging towards it (looking for a job, working on getting my driving licence) and I am hoping I’ll soon be in a position to leave him. I recommend you do the same. Ps my husband has Also tried to feel me up in the most stupid places , completely disrespecting I’m ill/exhausted etc

12345kbm · 08/03/2020 17:14

OP I'm here and I'm happy to support you all the way or just until you get real life support. You have your friend who said she would help and we're going to take this one step at a time.

Regarding him always being there. Am I right to understand that he doesn't work? How come he's with you 24/7?

Chickencuddle · 08/03/2020 17:25

Thank you kbm He does work but at weekend with me 24/7 while hes not at work I have the kids and also this week in laws will be woth me all the time too.
Ej thank you. I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Can I ask you a question seeing as you're in same position as me. Do you regard it as abuse or just a bit disrespectful.

OP posts:
12345kbm · 08/03/2020 17:30

I see OP, thank you for clearing up that confusion.

TiredMum10 · 08/03/2020 17:34

does he try this shit with his family around?

friendineed · 08/03/2020 17:37

What a fucker! Words fail me, he is just so vile.

Chickencuddle · 08/03/2020 17:42

Well atm his family are here. Everyone is sat watching football. I'm making dinner for everyone. Kids running in and out and he just came in lifted my skirt up and bent me over the counter I stood up fast and said stop it. he grabbed my private parts hard and just left.
Like this is why I just feel like that's all he sees me as theres never any loving embraces just sexual. And anyone could have walked in.

OP posts:
SandyFire · 08/03/2020 17:43

Hi. I believe you. You say you don’t have support but you do everything anyway. I used to manage women’s refuges and many of the women felt guilt for having conflicting feelings about leaving. Many of them missed aspects of their ex. Some of them went back. But the majority did not go back and ended up being so relieved that they had left. They had freedom to come and go as they pleased, see who they wanted, spend their time in their house how they wanted. Never having to answer to anyone else. Never having to have to try to predict their ex’s moods and adjust their behaviour. Never having anyone being mean about their friends. They could decorate their house how they wanted. Eat what they wanted. Parent how they wanted. Not have someone putting them down. Not have to listen out for the sound of the key in the door and be filled with dread. So many things. They’re just a few of the things you could look forward to. Many of the women thought that their case wasn’t as ‘bad’ as others and they didn’t deserve to be there. They all did. You also deserve to be free. Refuge isn’t the only way to leave if that doesn’t appeal to you.

Chickencuddle · 08/03/2020 18:01

Sandy thank you for your message. I sometimes think I'd love to con what I want as it's all based around him and the food shop is budgeted but he wants expensive food so I compensate by not getting enough for me. He doesnt make me do that it's just the outcome from what he needs.
I was telling my friend the other day about dreading hearing him walk through the door I just feel on edge and when hes not there I can do things with the kids how I like and everything gets done but as soon as he walks in he makes every decision talks (shouts) over me whenever I talk. Interrupts constantly puts me down constantly.
But not really bad. Not telling me I'm an ugly bitch or anything its tiny things but it's just always negative. I just want freedom but I dont think I'll have it. Even if I leave I'll still have to see him for access and I know he would make my life hell from afar.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 08/03/2020 18:32

Not necessarily OP I think there would be enough here for you not to have to see him and get some serious orders in place

You are exactly what refuges are there for.

Good luck I hope you find the peace you and your children deserve

cordeliavorkosigan · 08/03/2020 18:33

We're all here. I wish we could help more. You're worth so so much more and this vile man should not be defining how your DC see relationships as they grow up. Really really hope you can get out.

cordeliavorkosigan · 08/03/2020 18:34

Would it be worth keeping a record of all these incidents? Write down every single one, with context. Put it somewhere he can't find. Like a cloud account he doesn't have access to or something?