Feel like husband doesn't care

[Chickencuddle]

Feel like his priorities are football and sex and then the kids and everything else and then me at the bottom. I know I sound like a spoiled brat. But I dont need much. Just feel like he doesnt care about me.
For example I have been very poorly recently ended up in a and e and still feeling very ill on the way home from A and E he grabbed my hand and made me touch his boner. I was like why have you got a boner now. He was just like "can you sort it out for me."
The kids were asleep in the back but could have woken up at any minute. I said no u felt awful and anyway the kids are in the back and it's not right to do hat when they are there.
He was all aww you could just Bob your head down or use your hand and be discreet.
Etc.
I was talking seriously the other day about going back to work to help with Bill's etc. Maybe doing a short course to get back into work. He wasnt really listening and then just said
Aye well you dont have to sell your body in the meantime.
I was like what? As if I would ever do that and I just feel like that's all he thinks I'm good for.
Asked him to watch the kids for an hour the other day because I was feeling so ill I thought I might pass out and he just complained about not being able to watch football.
The only time he hugs me or is nice to me is if he wants something.
Everything is a sexual innuendo and always dry humping me. I just feel like a piece of meat someti.es and just wish he would back off. Let me get better and be caring.
Am I being a brat or what?

Thank you peanut butter mouth that's really reassuring and all I want is things like that together I dont care about material things but i know husband will have a nice house and money and ve able to take them places and he will and I know how manipulative he is and persuasive and charming. Everyone loves him I cant tell you how many people just think he is amazing. I still do too in some ways.
Surely not rape when we were going to have sex anyway but I didnt like how he didnt listen to me. All about what he wants.
Struggling to know what to do and how. I'm going to Google when I have some time and see if theres anyone I can go see and talk to face to face it would be easier for me to process I think but wondering if I can take toddler with me. Will have a look later.
Sorry you think I'm a bad mother I love them so much and only want what's best for them. I'm just scared what effect leaving will have and how and also scared him and his parents and extended family will fight for custody of kids and I have noone to help. I had an eating disorder they could play on that and also the fact I had an abusive childhood and he apparently had a lovely one. (He didnt have the best either but from the outside it could look that way) how bad would the kids have it then of I let that happen
I'm just so scared.

Helgahere see my last post although also want to add my kids are very happy and see none of it. Although people say they will sense it. I make them my priority all day every day. I'm happy when I'm with them.

OP sexual consent is ongoing. You don't agree to sex and that means that anything goes. You were explicit in that you didn't want to have sex without a condom and he went ahead and did it anyway - that's rape and men have been jailed for it.

I'm not sure why you need to Google anyone. You already did a search and said that there weren't any domestic abuse organisations in the area. You need to call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline and speak to them directly and see what's available where you are: 0808 2000 247

I have already advised you to make an appointment with the CABx and they would be the best place to go because they could make a referral to your local Domestic Abuse organisation for you as well as giving you all the advice you need regarding housing, maintenance etc and yes you can take your children with you. You could get most of this organised in one appointment.

If you want to discuss whether or not the incident yesterday was rape then you could contact Rape Crisis.

I'm so sorry OP, he really sounds horrible. I can't offer much practical advise, but I think you're very strong simply for realising that this isn't right.

It's easy for us to say it, but when you're the one in that situation, it's so hard to accept that your relationship is wrong in some way.

Kbm the closest is an hour and quarter away but I'm wondering if i can take my toddler to a baby group of some sort in area and go on way back. That way I have a reason to go there. Thank you for all your help it's hard to take everything in and remember it all so I'm sorry you're having to repeat yourself. I'm so sorry I'm such a pain. I dont often get a big chunk of time to look at everything I just get a few minutes here and there to post. I will look into everything you've said. Sorry agai.

OP it's no problem.You're going through a lot and easy to get confused. You have a lot going on. I'm hoping that Women's Aid will get back to you soon and you can ask them directly about what's available locally.

Yes, getting to the CABx is a brilliant, brilliant idea. Perhaps call your local CABx first to enquire about appointments. You can find your local CABx [https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/cymraeg/about-us/contact-us/contact-us/search-for-your-local-citizens-advice/[ here]].

Sorry here

Sorry kbm I just checked that and theres none near me as I live in northern Ireland. Says only England and Wales. What was it I checked last time there was something I'll have a read through your posts and find whatever it was. Perhaps it was womens aid.

Hold on a moment OP. Let me check for you.

Scroll down the page here and all the available CABx are there. I'm looking at more resources for you now. In the meantime, see what's near you.

Here are the NI domestic abuse and rape crisis organisations OP:

The 24 Hour Domestic & Sexual Violence Helpline is open to all women and men affected by rape or sexual violence, including friends and family of victims and survivors. Call in confidence on 0808 802 1414, or email [email protected]

Women's Aid Northern Ireland:

028 9024 9041
[email protected]

NEXUS 24 Hour helpline for domestic abuse and sexual violence
Telephone: 0808 802 1414

Website: www.dsahelpline.org

Thanks so much kbm. Im so far away from everything. Closest one is over an hour away. And noone to take the kids but I'll wait for womens aid and will worry about it nearer the time and make it work. Thanks do much for all your help you've been so patient with me and so kind

I don't have any practical advice to offer but just wanted to say that your DH is completely and utterly abusive towards you.
He has no right to behave the way he does. Don't ever doubt your feelings on this matter. It sounds like the sooner you get away from him the better, although it's understandable this is easier said than done.
You deserve better.

Thank you. I wish I could get some evidence. I would feel so much better as I'm just so worried I will leave and hes so good at twisting things and being convincing and charming and everyone thinks hes this amazing guy I'm scared of what he will do. Seriously considering setting up a camera or something I dont know how but I think if I had evidence I would just feel so much better about leaving and feel more able as i can prove it iykwim

OP I understand how rural you are but I also understand that you are a bit more keen to talk to someone.

The way to go about it is to contact the 24 hour helpline. The Women's Aid email you sent wasn't for NI though they may have forwarded it. You can email the helpline: [email protected] and copy and paste the message you sent to Women's Aid.

If you want to talk to someone (and I suggest you do this) then call: 0808 802 1414 and speak to someone in real life. This is the better option OP because you need help now. They will be best placed to advise because I'm sure they are used to survivors being in rural areas.

I've also dug up various helpline you can call rather than visit and they will give you advice over the phone.

There's Advice NI: ‎[email protected] 028 9064 5919
There's also a NI Gingerbread: 0808 802 0020
Law Centre NI for legal advice: 028 9024 4401

Give those a go OP and let me know how it goes. If they're no good I'll see what else I can find.

OP if I've been in any way impatient with you, it's because I'm so concerned about you and want to get you to safety.

No you havnt kbm at all you've been very patient. Sorry to be such a coward.
And I hate phone calls which was why I liked the idea of email and even talking in person I find better than phone for some reason but I'm just going to have to force myself to do it.
Can I ask some advice on a few silly little things that I'm worrying about
Saving money: where should I keep this. Struggling to think of a place he may not find it.
Also scared of writing things down as he may find it. I dont really have any safe places. I'll maybe email myself everything.

Money will be literally a pound here and there but added up over weeks could get about £15 which seems like nothing bit that's just over a few weeks and I could take a bigger amount nearer time.

OP, I want to promise me that you won't do anything to compromise your safety. If you don't want to write anything because it makes you feel unsafe, then don't write anything. Emailing yourself sounds like a really good idea but don't do that if you feel unsafe.

Saving up some money is a great idea. How about the lining of something? An old coat in the back of the cupboard? Lining of a bag? Is there an old rucksack of the children's stuck in a cupboard somewhere covered in dust? In the folds of blankets in a blanket box? Can you give money to your friend? In a plastic baggie inside a bag of flour? Inside an old DVD case? Between the pages of a book?

If he finds it, tell him you're putting money away for-Christmas/birthday presents/holiday etc

I'm afraid you're going to have to bite the bullet and talk on the phone. I know it's hard and I know it's difficult to talk about but you need help and support. You can't get to the advise agencies and email is too long a process.

Good ideas thank you. When you said about an old coat I thought I can put it in a pocket of an old coat and if he finds it I'll say I difnt know it was in there...must be from ages ago.
I will talk on the phone. I'm scared and I dont even know why.
May have an hour in the morning ring tomorrow or if not might have an hour or two Wednesday depending on husbands working hours.

Please don't be scared and lots of people hate talking on the phone, it's not just you. Write notes if you think that will help before the call that you can refer to during the call.

Please contact the domestic abuse line first OP and don't worry about being judged or shamed or laughed at or anything. They are trained, they've heard everything, they will show you nothing but concern and do what they can to help. Many have been through similar situations and know how brave you are and how difficult this is for you.

Make that call tomorrow morning if you can. Let me know how it goes.

@Chickencuddle......... So many people are rooting for you. You are not alone. Please believe that you have value. You have the right to not be abused, to be respected. You are worth so much more than that POS that is your husband. Your children will be so much better off once you can detach from the horrendous situation you are currently in.

All this must be totally overwhelming. But remember how to eat an elephant... one bite at a time. You will get there!

Thank you everyone. Feel like this tread is keeping me going atm. Going to try to ring today.

@Chickencuddle

I cant do it. I'm sorry. My in laws will be round soon
I've been trying to psych myself up to so it. I've been reading the number over and over. Put it in my phone but couldn't do it. What is wrong with me. I'll try again tomorrow I'm hoping I'll have proper time with no kids for an hour tomorrow when I take my little one to their hobby

OP to have gone from where you were at the beginning of the thread, which was really only a few days ago, to putting the helpline into your phone now, is amazing progress.

I know how hard this is for you and I wish I was there with you, helping you. You are being really brave and doing so well. We're getting there. The number is 24 hours OP, so whenever you get the time is fine but you have to make the call and get some help.

They do have an email address [email protected] and you can always copy and paste the email you sent to WA to that email. Anything is better than being alone in this OP, you need some help and support.