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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel like husband doesn't care

990 replies

Chickencuddle · 03/03/2020 12:22

Feel like his priorities are football and sex and then the kids and everything else and then me at the bottom. I know I sound like a spoiled brat. But I dont need much. Just feel like he doesnt care about me.
For example I have been very poorly recently ended up in a and e and still feeling very ill on the way home from A and E he grabbed my hand and made me touch his boner. I was like why have you got a boner now. He was just like "can you sort it out for me."
The kids were asleep in the back but could have woken up at any minute. I said no u felt awful and anyway the kids are in the back and it's not right to do hat when they are there.
He was all aww you could just Bob your head down or use your hand and be discreet.
Etc.
I was talking seriously the other day about going back to work to help with Bill's etc. Maybe doing a short course to get back into work. He wasnt really listening and then just said
Aye well you dont have to sell your body in the meantime.
I was like what? As if I would ever do that and I just feel like that's all he thinks I'm good for.
Asked him to watch the kids for an hour the other day because I was feeling so ill I thought I might pass out and he just complained about not being able to watch football.
The only time he hugs me or is nice to me is if he wants something.
Everything is a sexual innuendo and always dry humping me. I just feel like a piece of meat someti.es and just wish he would back off. Let me get better and be caring.
Am I being a brat or what?

OP posts:
Comtesse · 06/03/2020 15:32

He is a sicko and no mistake. He means to destroy you to make him feel better about himself. The update on the eating disorder is appalling. You poor thing @chicken

12345kbm · 06/03/2020 16:05

OP you have no idea what's going to happen. You may be allowed to stay in the property, let's not worry too much. Gingerbread should be able to give you an idea of what money is going to be available to you and once things are in motion, I'm sure we can rustle up some legal advice from somewhere like Rights of Women who can give you a better idea of your position.

In the meantime, let's take it one day at a time and see what Women's Aid say. Let's wait until you've contacted Gingerbread as well and we'll have a clearer idea of where you stand.

You're being so brave posting OP and you've been through so much. Everyone is behind you powering you along to a safer, better life for yourself and your children. Try to imagine a life free from fear and abuse; it is possible.

Original poster
Chickencuddle · 06/03/2020 18:52

Ok thank you kbm. I dont want you all to think I have it really bad and I'm scared all the time I'm not. I know he wouldn't hit me or anything. Just sometimes feel like a phoney.
I wouldn't want to stay in the house with him knowing he had to leave and I would feel bad taking the house he loves the house and he pays the mortgage for it. But yes will just wait and see for info.
I'm feeling so guilty around him. Like I'm doing something wrong. And I feel like he knows.

I couldn't phone today he was off work. Will be next week sometime I think.

OP posts:
12345kbm · 06/03/2020 19:17

No one thinks you're a phoney at all and it's ok for you to have good and bad days. All abuse is bad, there is no abuse which is worse than any other and you're entitled to your feelings and experiences.

You can email the CABx OP or chat with them online as I know making calls is difficult for you. You'll get advice back in five working days if you contact them via email.

Do you think that's something you could manage? If so I can help you in coming up with some questions to ask that will give you a better idea of where you'll stand financially and with the children.

Quartz2208 · 06/03/2020 19:21

OP just because he isnt physical doesnt make him not abusive and that is what people are worried about for you.

whatisheupto · 06/03/2020 19:26

Oh. My. I have no words. I think this is one of the worst cases I have read on Mumsnet. And even worse is that you actually think you are being spoilt for not wanting to tolerate his behaviour.
Please know that his behaviour is absolutely not normal. And LEAVE.

whatisheupto · 06/03/2020 20:34

OP please be absolutely sure he doesn't see this thread. Does he know you use Mumsnet? No doubt he checks your phone when you're not looking as he is so controlling. Please delete your history and log out every time and change your password. And make sure google searches you do on your iPhone are not automatically showing in search bar history on your ipad etc. Also delete your calling history.
You'll get benefits, you'll get a good settlement with assets split between you and him paying maintenance. Don't worry. You have enabled him to earn by taking care of everything for him and that will be acknowledged. Settlements take into account the fact that your earning potential has been damaged by years of not working in order to raise his children. Often in a settlement the woman gets a higher share as her earning potential is damaged from years out of the workforce whereas the man has increased his earning potential in that same time and for the future the man has the capacity to earn much more. I think you should try to start making a list of all the abuse.... but somewhere super secret. Write down everything that you can think of. Do you think he contributed to making you isolated? Did he encourage you to move away? There are online journals that are password protected... but still make sure you close it down and delete history every time. Also try to start making a note of what bank accounts / shares / investments he has... do you think he is hiding any money? Also do you think he could be using prostitutes?
You will be fine OP! The time just when you start realising what us really going on and before leaving is the hardest!! It only gets easier......

Verily1 · 06/03/2020 21:02

Boak
This is horrifying
He should be in prison for A Very long time.
Record the abuse on your phone and go to the police.
You and your dcs will be so much happier in a refuge.

RickOShay · 07/03/2020 11:55

How are you doing @Chickencuddle?

Original poster
Chickencuddle · 07/03/2020 18:57

Whatisheupto. I dont think he does anything else really. He does shout alot and get stressed over tiny things. Demand instead of asking. Push me to one side instead of waiting for me to move etc. But it's all really little things and nothing extreme.
Just an overall lack of empathy I guess.

Today in the car kids qsre in the back and dd had a friend too.
He was telling me about a time he had lockjaw. I said aww that's horrible I had that once when I was younger. He said "what from too much cock?" I was like what?
He said from giving too many blow jobs? I told him to stop and kids were in the back. He said they couldn't hear. He was being quiet and to discuss it in code. Asking how many people I've given bjs. He already knows this so dont know why hes asking. He kept asking so eventually said 2. Him and 1 guy before him. He kept saying really...no more? Etc. Just feel like everything comes back to sex every time I talk.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chickencuddle · 07/03/2020 18:58

Rick I'm ok thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Chickencuddle · 07/03/2020 19:15

Sometimes I look at him and think we can make it work. Maybe we can do counselling etc. But other times I think we just need to get away.
But trying to be calm and just wait on the info.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 07/03/2020 19:27

DD had a friend - oh OP you do realise that could potentially be quite serious if she says to her parents any of the words that he said because trust me kids can hear.

And I dont mean to scare you but its horrifying that he had another persons child in the back and he used the words blowjob and cock

Mittens030869 · 07/03/2020 19:35

I have to say, OP, I would be very concerned if one of my DDs told me what your DH had said to you in the car. DD2 (7) in particular is good at picking up on what adults are saying to each other, which has been disconcerting. I'm a lot more cautious now.

You really mustn't ever assume children won't hear what you're saying.

Quartz2208 · 07/03/2020 19:42

Yes and even if your children mentioned words like that at school safeguarding procedures would be started as well

Kids really do hear everything

Original poster
Chickencuddle · 07/03/2020 19:43

I dont assume. He assumes. I told him to stop and he kept saying they couldn't hear and kept repeating it. He was being extremely quiet. But in the end the only reason I answered was to stop him talking about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chickencuddle · 07/03/2020 19:43

I mean I would never talk about things like that around them but I have to say even I struggled to hear he was that quiet.

OP posts:
RestaurantoffBroadway · 07/03/2020 20:17

@Chickencuddle you are an awesomely strong woman. I am in awe of you having overcome your eating disorder especially from the terrible start you had from an abusive childhood.

Brainengaged1 · 07/03/2020 20:32

Does he want to destroy you ? This is not tolerable . The only one that can change this is you
Come on - he can’t talk to you like this . When will enough be enough ? If he talks to you like this in front of the kids he has no respect for you . Love yourself more

wildcherries · 07/03/2020 23:39

He's just vile - and it gets worse with every update. All the counselling in the world won't change that he is just a horrible person, who doesn't respect you.

Original poster
Chickencuddle · 08/03/2020 04:35

So I woke up in the night to him touching me. Normally I would tell him to get off and get quite annoyed. (Im woken up by baby all night sky dont want to be woken by anything else too.)
But then he says he was asleep and cant help it. So I lay there and pretended to still be asleep for a bit then stirred. When I stirred he stopped and stroled my leg instead as if that's all he was doing. I pretended I was asleep again and he went back to touching me. I did it a few times to make sure and each time I stirred he stopped suddenly pr stroked my legs instead. He 100% was not asleep. When I "woke up" he stopped and pretended nothing was happening.
But then started saying he was horny and touching me etc. I told him it was the middle of the night and I was tired and could we leave it until tokorrow. He kept on doing it and i must have told him to stop at least 30 times and took about 20 minutes. Because each time I told him to stop of took his hand away he just kept doing it. Taking my PJ pants off etc. I told him nicely. I told him firmly I got annoyed. Finay after about 20 minutes he stopped but said we would pick up where we left off tomorrow.

I really thought he was asleep and couldn't help it when he touched me but this proves that at least some of the time hes wide awake and knows what hes doing. Hes so convincing.
Feel kind of numb.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 08/03/2020 05:23

Please try to get away some how.
Start by collecting all important paperwork and keeping in you car or at a friends home.

Lillipop87 · 08/03/2020 06:26

Op he is a horrible horrible abusive man. You told him 30 times to stop.he should have stopped the first time you said no!he is touching your body without your consent. He is continuously sexually abusing you. You don't deserve this I know your afraid of the fallout if you leave but it's better that then live like this surely. Your kids will be ok I promise you kids are resilient and often a lot tougher and more clued up then we think. I hope your ok xx

Original poster
Chickencuddle · 08/03/2020 08:00

I want to leave just dont know how and worry about how we would manage and what would happen going to wait for email back if womens aid.
I wouldn't want to collect anything until last minute incase he notices....
His morning he keeps saying things like "I cant believe you woke me last night. You were touching my cock." At no point was I doing this.
I said this and ge said " yes you were you woke me touching me. "
I didnt!he knows I didnt wtf.
Then saying " you were like a women possessed" etc etc
It wasnt me at all. It was him who woke me touching me and pestering me. Wtf. And hes laughing about it. Like....
What? O feel like crying in frustration this morning.

OP posts:
wildcherries · 08/03/2020 08:09

Can you make plans to get out of the house with the children for a bit today. This would drive me insane. Take care of yourself.