Feel like husband doesn't care

[Chickencuddle]

Feel like his priorities are football and sex and then the kids and everything else and then me at the bottom. I know I sound like a spoiled brat. But I dont need much. Just feel like he doesnt care about me.
For example I have been very poorly recently ended up in a and e and still feeling very ill on the way home from A and E he grabbed my hand and made me touch his boner. I was like why have you got a boner now. He was just like "can you sort it out for me."
The kids were asleep in the back but could have woken up at any minute. I said no u felt awful and anyway the kids are in the back and it's not right to do hat when they are there.
He was all aww you could just Bob your head down or use your hand and be discreet.
Etc.
I was talking seriously the other day about going back to work to help with Bill's etc. Maybe doing a short course to get back into work. He wasnt really listening and then just said
Aye well you dont have to sell your body in the meantime.
I was like what? As if I would ever do that and I just feel like that's all he thinks I'm good for.
Asked him to watch the kids for an hour the other day because I was feeling so ill I thought I might pass out and he just complained about not being able to watch football.
The only time he hugs me or is nice to me is if he wants something.
Everything is a sexual innuendo and always dry humping me. I just feel like a piece of meat someti.es and just wish he would back off. Let me get better and be caring.
Am I being a brat or what?

Sorry OP but he sounds like an idiot, plain and simple. Whether it's abuse or not, I don't know, but the whole thing sounds miserable. You and your kids deserve better x

He's a bully, when you've argued back he's moved onto the next victim which is the children 🤯

This was always the issue if I didnt give him sex he would get these mood swings....or a short temper may be more accurate. I'm so exhausted. My mother died recently and although not in contact it threw me quite a bit. Almost transported me back to that time in my head. Lots of unanswered questions. Covid and 3 small children at home. No help or support at all and alot of pressure from husband to do everything right.
Throw in a car accident last week and now in pain with my back shoulders ribs and numbness in my arm...I'm utterly exhausted...nothing to do with this situation really but I just feel like this is another thing and it's all too much atm. I cant see a future with him but also cant see one without him if that makes any sense. Sorry I'll maybe stop posting for a bit
Hyst going round in circles

So sorry to hear about everything that has been going on for you OP.

I understand it is scary to think about life without him as it is familiar but can you really carry on like this for the rest of your life? Is there anyone you can talk to in real life about all of this? You can always speak to people like the Samaritans who are really good at listening and offering support.

Remember that you deserve to be happy and to be in a relationship with someone who respects you and treats you with love and kindness, and your children too.

Thank you for being so kind.
Tbh I dont get much time to talk I always have children with me. Lol.
I feel like I never want sex ever again with anyone I feel wary of all men but then scared to be alone too and worried the kids will be Turned on me and shared custody etc I can protect them now. Imagine if he is like this when I'm gone and I'm not there to cuddle them or tell them they're amazing and stick up for them and fight their corner. To tell them it's ok to have a different opinion or express their feelings. They wont be allowed that with him if I'm not there.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. No one should have to deal with all that at once.
I was also with a sexually abusive husband and his behavior was similar to what you mentioned---constant sexual innuendos, groping, etc. That time period was AWFUL.
I left that relationship feeling like I was nothing at all, like a blank sheet of paper with no identity.
To see your own children be harmed is more trauma for you :(. I really hope you get out of this situation soon.
Get as much support from trustworthy, caring people as possible, and
keep your eyes on the future.
Someday he'll be nothing but a bad memory, with you feeling no urge to see him. And you'll be able to understand and help others women in similar situations. Because the sad fact is, abused women are everywhere.
You've been strong enough to survive life with this monster, so you're definitely strong enough to survive without him.

Op, have a look her NSPCC.

The website details different types of abuse so it might be useful to have a read.

What would you consider abuse to be? What would need to happen for you to think of it as abuse and how often would that thing need to happen. The fact that other people you’ve told don’t think it’s abusive, doesn’t necessarily mean it not. It does not sound like a good environment for children to be in and will not being doing anything for their one-term mental health.

Thank you I'll take a look. I guess I'd consider abuse to be if he continually called them names or put them down with no positives ever. But he does say well done and boost them up at times. I grew up with constant walking on eggshells everything I did would be picked apart and I would be humiliated and ridiculed in front of people. Always told I was this and that. Nothing was ever ever good enough. That kind of thing. And obviously anything physical.
I dont agree with how he is and I agree its damaging but I feel stuck now. If I leave I feel it will be more damaging because of the divorce and separation but mostly because I wont be there to prevent him ranting on or being overly controlling and losing his temper. I feel like I'm a piece of armour or something. They feel the verbal blows but not as much as if I wasnt there. And he isnt calling them lots of names and constantly putting them down he is losing his temper but temporarily. I dont know if you could call it abuse.
Need to writ more but child just woken afterv10 mins sleep...so will have to wait.

He's a fucking asshole, of course he's abusive, he's a grown man that seems to enjoy making a little 2 year old girl cry.

I'd like to punch his lights out.

Sorry I know I've been unclear. It's my 7 year old daughter who he was going on at for cereal/treat dramas.

OP you clearly grew up in an abusive household.

For you it has meant you get into another abusive relationship.

Think about what you are teaching your children. They think having a man in their house who abuses their mum, and them, who is angry towards them is normal.

Please teach them that it's not by leaving him.

Your FIL's wife sounds nice, and worried about you. I'd start by talking to her.

If you went to police with any of that there would be no consequences

That’s not true at all. The police would probably refer the matter to the relevant Health and Social care trust, who would send a social worker round to investigate.

That will also happen if any of your children tell their teachers at school or nursery what’s happening at home. Or if a neighbour or family member reports the abuse of the children.

Hi OP
I just want to send love and hugs your way. I read every post you said with love and understanding. It's not easy being in an environment that you feel uncomfortable in. Someone constantly picking and bullying you, the kids, not helping, expecting you at their beck and call, don't have 5 mins to yourself all day, have to be ready for sex 24/7. It's not nice and I pray you to have the mental strength to deal 2ith with this.

I think you are very strong to put a smile on your face everyday and keep going, I'd have probably broken down by now.

OP, continue talking to WA and learning more about domestic abuse and its many different ways. I know at the moment you're struggling to put a finger on what is actually happening and how to define it.

But the fact that you're uncomfortable, have jokes said to you that aren't funny, bullied, no help, tip toe around his feelings and emotions.

The fact he changes his mind as soon as something is going well (ie when you all went for a walk and he wanted to go home as soon as it started being fun) is a control thing. It's not about what he is asking, it's that he needs the world revolving around him.

The change in attitude suggests gaslighting... Every time you say he's done something then later on, he's "nice", you doubt your original feelings and thoughts.

He's your husband, he's supposed to be nice to you! He doesn't get points for that. He doesn't get a pass for his behaviour because he hasn't hit you or hadn't forced sex on you. He's your husband and your well being should be his priority. That it isn't, is reason to leave him. I feel like something could happen to you tomorrow, and his first thought would be "oh who's going to make lunch now?" he really doesn't care.

Don't mistake not being violent for loving you.

You also mentioned that you don't want to upset your kids if you leave. But considering how much he shouts at them for food, splashing with water, constantly taking things personally and expecting apologies, as if being a child is a personal attack on him, makes me think they probably will be relieved not to see him everyday. They are young and still don't understand what is happening, but they will, and your desire to leave (if you haven't already) will be stronger at that point when you see it affect them. And they think it's normal for a man to grope you without permission.

OP, please look after yourself. If you're not happy, leave. He doesn't need to punch you in the face for you to have a "reason".

The thing is that hey only really see him at the weekends atm anyway due to his job having long hours and at the weekend i am there too so I feel like this is the most protected they can be.
Thank you so much for your post dontjump very kind of you. I am still trying to analyse everything that happens or he does. I know people think I've gone back to thinking he is fine because he isnt forcing me to have sex or whatever right now...but I've not. I see things alot clearer now I think. But also trying to get things right in my head and sometimes I think because I'm analysing things I'm making a big deal out of it in my head. Like today I actually sat down and thought maybe it's me that has a problem?
I havnt been able to get put the house all week due to no car (another story) we finally have a temp car now and I said shall we go to the park. He kept talking over me everytime I spoke and saying to the kids "let's have a home day today. " etc
So I spoke to him quietly away from the kids and just said " I could really do with getting out if the house I'd like some fresh air and a walk I've not been out all week and I'm climbing the walls" he just changed the subject and walked off. So I tried again with getting everyone to go to the park and he shouted over the top. "No home day! HOME FAY! HOME DAY!" the kids joined in and they were all chanting. He stood there smirking and laughing at me like a child would do when they are teasing someone. So I got a bit pissed off tbh and walked into the hallway to cool down. I thought maybe I'm the one making a big deal out of this. Why should everyone want to do what I want? The world doesnt revolve around me. But I do need some air.
So I got my shoes on and went and told him I was going to go for a walk then if they were happy enough. He then suddenly changed and was what why? Etc I told him I was a bit annoyed because I told him I really need to get out. We always do whatever he wants and I never have a say..mi mean alot of the time I enjoy whatever we decide to do but if we have a difference of opinion it is always his opinion which wins. Anyway he was all "well we will all go then." I said no it's ok I dont want to drag you out of you dont want to and the kids. But he insisted and so we all went but after 15 minutes he wanted to go home and I saw a friend and was talking to her. He kept saying about leaving but everyone was having a great time and I was in the middle if a conversation. He kind of shimmied the kids in the direction of the car and I ended up saying I'd have to go catch up and ending the conversation. As soon as I did that he got the kids in the car and told me he had wanted to go for ages. We must have been there about half an hour. I cant figure out if it was my fault for dragging everyone out or his or a combination. I mean it's no big deal there was no tear or upset from the kids. I just find it a bit confusing sometimes.

Also I have spoken to fils wife before. She has told me she thing he is controlling etc. I've not told her about any of the sexual stuff. But tbh I dont think I can rely on her. She is under the control of her husband (Husbands dad) and I think he just as controlling than DH . I know that if I left I wouldnt see her. He wouldn't let her see me and I cant trust that everything I say will stay between us.

Oh and also when I said I wanted some air etc when I got my shoes on rowdy to go he was lime "oh why didnt you just say that. Why do you have to act like this."
I was like...I did say that...several times? I just dont know
Am I being horrible today? I feel like sometimes because I'm trying so hard for him to not control me I'm in danger of becoming controlling myself.

Hey OP you did such a fantastic thing standing up for what you wanted to do!! He seems to want everything to go his way, and ruin your peace.

I have a friend who is in a similar position, everytime they have something planned for her (like a friends wedding), he will pick a fight and ruin the whole day, not talk to her etc. Of course other guests can see the silent treatment so she just wants to go home. They leave early after the wedding, and surprise....he's fine!
She also missed her cousins coming to visit from America (haven't seen each other in 8 years) because they came on a weekday and he was 'too tired' to see them. So she said she would go, and he said why he wanted to spend the evening with her, he's been looking forward to spending time with her all day, husband and wife shouldn't be separated etc... And she stayed home and didn't see her cousins.

Tell you what OP, next time you want to do this, get your stuff ready and say "I'm going to do x" and do it, and leave... Without giving him the chance to ruin it, or change your mind or say "we will all go" etc. Just have everything ready and leave or do it. To show him you have decided to do something and his opinion is appreciated but not needed.

The first time you can do it for 5 mins. Then longer the next time. Its to show him that you don't need him to agree with you, because of course, you would never force him to do something he didn't want to do 😉

If he starts up and gets the kids against you "oh mummy left us all day" or something, just correct him, yes mummy went out for a little walk, next time kids we should go together! And turn it into a positive thing.

See how you go OP, you're doing great!

Thank you dontjump. Everything I do he wants to come too. Even if my dd has a friend round and I have to drop her off after most of the time hes like "oh we will all go in the car." I never do anything alone when he is home.
My friend said to me she feels like he is always finding jobs for me to do on his days off so I cant go and do things. I do still meet up with friends occasionally but before he goes to work every day he does always say things like " can you clear out this cupboard today. A wash needs doing and my shirt needs ironing. You need to hoover upstairs too."
He will always ask where I'm going and who I'm seeing today sometimes several times and then alot of the time he phones when I'm with that person. Sometimes I ignore my phone or dont look af it if busy but sometimes I pick up. For example my friend came round last week to see me for an hour and brought her dd to play with mine (both preschool) he knew she was coming and it was only half an hour after he left and he phoned and was asking lots of questions about her dd what she was doing what were we talking about. He also said are you having a good time. I ended up saying I had to go as she couldn't stay for long and that's when she told me she thinks that and she thinks hes always checking up on me. She would be one of the friends I talk to about all this si sometimes I think she is bias. But she said she knows other people have seen it too. Her husband and another friend.

OP, when you want to go out, choose a time when he is not ready, either in his PJs or in the middle of watching football or something, and shout "I'm just going out" and close the door before he has a chance to respond. Leave your phone at home on loud in an obvious place, so if he calls, he can see he can't get to you.
When you come home in 5 mins, just say you had to step out for some fresh air, like you told him you needed earlier (so it's not like you just left the house and walked out), sorry you forgot your phone. And just continue. If he says you didn't do xyz in the 5 mins you were out, shrug it off... Oh that? That's alright that can wait 5 mins when I'm out, no need to make a big deal out of it!

Try not to play into his games. Everything that's a big deal and questions which need to be answered, respond... You're so nosey! Have a little joke! Put your friend on the phone and joke "I think he'd rather speak to you since he's asking about your dd... Hahaha"
What I mean is tone down wwhat he does so it shows it doesn't affect you. And make him feel a little silly for asking. This thing doesn't need to be done RIGHT NOW does it? And then if you don't do it, or leave the house, or go toilet or take a shower, come back and say well look at that, it's not done yet and the house hasn't burnt down!

And he needs to do his own ironing. But one step at a time! 😏

OP with what I said, only do what's comfortable for you and what you think is safe to do. It takes a very strong person to stand up to others.

Thank you. I dont know if I could do any of that. I guess I could but I just know that saying "you're nosy" or whatever would make him really grumpy and things would be worse. I always run things past him because we have kids so I wouldnt just walk out for a walk unless he said it was ok. I'd want the kids to be ok before I left too.
But thank you for your suggestions I know I need to keep on top of not letting him control me.

But thank you for your suggestions I know I need to keep on top of not letting him control me

I disagree. I think you need to make plans to leave.

You are just rearranging the deckchairs on the Titanic.

I suggested to you to nip out for 5 mins and leave your phone at home. That you can't do that because you're scared of the reaction, speaks volumes. Only do something if its safe to do so, but if you can't do something as basic as that, there's a problem.

Why can't you do what you want to do? Why does every move need to be checked? Why does he make fun of you to the kids? Why can't he iron his own damn shirt?! Why does he force you to have sex?

These things aren't normal. Are you really going to spend the rest of your life in this marriage? That's a long time. That's a lot of phone calls...

I’ve just sat and read through all your posts, and I’m so glad you are back on here for support. This has gone on so long, he will never change. He is utterly obsessed with you, the touching the following you round, he’s even jelous of his own child breast feeding. It all screams abuse and it’s so easy for people on the outside to see, I’ve been there myself. Financial abuse, mental abuse, etc. Making you feel like you are boring because you don’t want to have sex every night when your tired from doin everything all day, aswel as Dealing with his swiping 24/7.

I understand you want to do this course but if your youngest is 2 they will start school in2 years so could start then, so for now could you get a part time job? As if you were a single mum you can get free childcare for 2 year old, and I assume the other 2 are at school? So even like a 9.30-2.30 job in a local shop or something? Also some drs secretary’s have hours like that and I know a few mums who work in car show room receptions doing them
Hours. You would then get working tax credit, tax credits and child benefit. Plus your wage. He would have to pay maintenance for the 3 kids also. I think you would be surprised how much help you get, especially when you are used to being allowed no money now! Also if you tried to get social housing the rent is a lot cheaper. Also you are married, so half that house is yours so he either needs to buy you out or sell it and split it 50/50. Stop the I feel guilty, he didn’t feel guilty raping you And belittling you your whole marriage. I know you say everyone loves him, just the two people you have spoke briefly too (his step mum and your friend) have both said they know he’s controlling and your friend said another friend and husband have noticed it.. so people don’t think he’s that great. They can see it. So you would be believed. In a heart beat. I know you say you have nobody but a job would help with being social etc, and also he would have to have the kids? And so woukd his parents see them etc? So you would get probably 2 weekends to yourself a month. I know the thought of that is horrible I used to give myself a migraine when my son was going to his dads, worryin that much and crying all weekend, but years later it’s normal and I love the break to be honest. Also the part about they would have w great life there and horrible life with you, why would they? It’s not all about things, my mum was a single mum and when I visited my dad we went out for food and bowling and did fun things, but I still couldn’t wait to get home to my mum and our more modest life because she was my mum.. she was kind and patient and that was our content place, where as my dad was stress my and snappy like your husband. Kids don’t like that. Kids won’t remember the things he brought them etc, they will remember him shouting at them for not eating a bloody baked bean!! Or making her cry and apologise for him not being satisfied with her speed of
Picking a chocolate. Honestly what an absolute prick. He sounds soooo similar to my friends ex husband and it was years she told
Me stuff and only
Me and it was so frustrating but like you she was stuck away she was an army wife living on the sites etc had no job no family
Near her, fast forward 3 years she’s a new woman. She’s happy she’s not as stressed and down all the time, she’s met a new partner and her kids are sooo happy!! They love visiting dad but they adore their time with her. She had a councik house at first but once the boys both started school she worked more houses and eventually saved enough to do the help to buy scheme and has brought her and her boys a new
Little house.
You will get money, he cannot expect you to leave your family
Home without a penny nor should he want his kids to go without
Also.. car crash.. That has left you injured, sore, back pain etc, go through your car insurance and seek compensation and do not tell him!! It’s usually a few grand And it could be a huge help for you!
You sound so patient and put yourself last, but one day the kids won’t be there do you really want to sit next to this total creep touching you up for the rest of your life. Your beinG so strong, just start getting all your ducks in a row, keep going and think of happier days, they are coming! And not happy for a day or two until his next strop or fat comment or wandering hand in your sleep etc. You deserve a medal for have not snapped and punched him! Take care xXx

Maybe it's me making a big deal of things. He wouldnt hurt me or get angry but I know he would be grumpy and in a mood and question me alot and to me it's just not worth it. The other day was a one off and if I feel at the end of my tether I might tell him I'm going out for a walk but it's not worth it for regularly. I think he wouldnt be as bothered if kids were all in bed although I know here would be a million questions. I think he just thinks when he is off we should all spend time together. Theres alot of men who have no interest spending time with their family. So that's a plus side.
I'm upset by things he has done in the past but hes not a bad guy and he is at least trying to get better. He has changed alot already. Maybe counselling and things coming from someone else and not me would help

Fucking hell, you KNOW that he’s making your poor kids lives miserable. Poor little things are living in fear of him and you’re still here making up BS excuses to stay with him.

Put your kids first and leave FFS. This boils my blood