Feel like husband doesn't care

[Chickencuddle]

Feel like his priorities are football and sex and then the kids and everything else and then me at the bottom. I know I sound like a spoiled brat. But I dont need much. Just feel like he doesnt care about me.
For example I have been very poorly recently ended up in a and e and still feeling very ill on the way home from A and E he grabbed my hand and made me touch his boner. I was like why have you got a boner now. He was just like "can you sort it out for me."
The kids were asleep in the back but could have woken up at any minute. I said no u felt awful and anyway the kids are in the back and it's not right to do hat when they are there.
He was all aww you could just Bob your head down or use your hand and be discreet.
Etc.
I was talking seriously the other day about going back to work to help with Bill's etc. Maybe doing a short course to get back into work. He wasnt really listening and then just said
Aye well you dont have to sell your body in the meantime.
I was like what? As if I would ever do that and I just feel like that's all he thinks I'm good for.
Asked him to watch the kids for an hour the other day because I was feeling so ill I thought I might pass out and he just complained about not being able to watch football.
The only time he hugs me or is nice to me is if he wants something.
Everything is a sexual innuendo and always dry humping me. I just feel like a piece of meat someti.es and just wish he would back off. Let me get better and be caring.
Am I being a brat or what?

Posted too soon.

And of course is receiving validation on here

There is something to be said for waiting till the end of lockdown (BUT ONLY IF YOU ARE SAFE) It gives you time to think, plan and imagine your future. Eg look on Rightmove, work out finances, check schools and nurseries. This should help you feel more prepared for the time when you will act.This is what I did for my divorce, which was acrimonious but no violence.

But only if you are safe is the important caveat here

I always thought for me it was bad - but it could never get really bad could it -errrm yes
It got v bad really quickly and I literally did nothing wrong
So please have that plan in place
Please talk to police in secret if you can

Btw there are lots of great family law solicitors in belfast who offer half an hour free on the phone re non mol / occupation orders

I know you've decided to wait until after lockdown, but if you need to vent for your own sanity don't hesitate to come back to the thread op. Good luck with everything, I really hope you and your kids get your new free life.

Yes indeed
Many of us here to help if we can ❤️❤️

Hi OP, just found your thread and was reading in horror at the way your husband treats you and admiration of what a wonderful mother you are and how lucky your DC are to have you.
It must be so hard being in lockdown with someone like this. How are you doing? Hope everything is ok?

How has it all been OP?

I'm ok thanks. Just kind of watching and seeing how things go. Sorry I'm quiet im trying to process things and work out what to do

I’m glad you’re ok. Just do whatever you need to do to.stay safe.

Where are you now? Did you manage to get him out?

@chickencuddle how are you doing?

Have been thinking of you OP. Hope you and kids are okay.

Hey OP, how are things now? Been thinking of you.....

I feel for you, and I kind of know how you feel (however your situation is worse than mine).

My partner can be very vocally sexual and in front of our 2 year old, which actually puts me off him and it’s just such a vicious cycle! He says inappropriate things to me in front of our child (yes he says she doesn’t understand however I say things like that should never, ever be spoken in front of children no matter how old!), and he probably says it because he obviously wants sex and that it isn’t happening as much as he would like but then him saying these things turns me off him so it just gets worse and worse.

And I have felt like you have felt, is it me and so on, and I did write a post here and thanks to everyone else’s replies I was reassured that no it wasn’t me and that what he's doing is very inappropriate. But I do sympathise with you even more because my partner isn’t a bad person but this makes them sound bad, and they probably are bad in a sense! But I find how my partner is shows that he is very immature and selfish. There is a lack of sex at the moment compared to how we used to be but we still manage once a week, which to me is ok considering I am going through a spell of minor depression and have felt insecure due to minor treatment for abnormal cells which has affected me mentally I think. We used to have sex around 4 times a week even throughout my pregnancy and even after our daughter up until she was around 18 months and this is when I had the treatment. I hope that I can improve myself mentally and be the person I was beforehand (not sexually just mentally), so I have asked my partner to try and be patient and help me but overly sexualised comments and requests do not help! However my partner has improved, quite a lot to be honest. We both care about each other a lot and we do want things to be ok between us so we have spoken about couple’s therapy after the lockdown, and we both agree that this is a better option than being stuck in a rut so I’m thankful we’re on the same page. I think my partner was the same as your husband where they haven’t matured after children, yes we still need to consider our relationships with our other half’s just as important as our relationship with our children but while the children are around they are the priority! Children grow up and leave whereas our other half’s ‘should’ be around still so all the attention will be back on them!

How would your husband feel about couple’s therapy? Or do you think that he will never change and enough is enough?

I hope you can come up with the best solution for you and your children x

He sounds disgusting.
I cannot believe what I am reading.
I am so sorry for you op.
You said you had a difficult past, you are allowing yourself to be re-traumatised and re-abused by staying with an abusive partner. There is help available, call Women's aid.

@12345kbm might know more, I knew someone who experienced something similar, one of her children saw the inappropriate behaviour and spoke about it at school, this prompted social services to get involved, they then told her to leave him or they would remove the children, and they told him he had to leave. She was really pleased that e had been ordered to leave by them/courts because it meant she didn't have to do it - because she was so scared of him.

Hi OP, been thinking about you as things have eased in lockdown. How are you?

Ditto, you've popped into my head at times.... Hope things are okay.... Or even bearable..... We're still here for when you need us....

Hi everyone. Sorry I'm not very active on here atm. I feel ashamed coming g back here after so long and no further on I'm still here. Still with him.
He has been really good tbh
Since last time I was on here he hasnt pushed me to have sex or forced me in any way. He has stopped the fat comments etc. After many many heated discussions over it when he called me sensitive etc I told him if I tell him something upsets me and you keep doing it....it just shows that you dont care if you hurt me. He has stopped now.
He has touched me a few times in my sleep. Once I'm pretty sure was on purpose as I told him to stop touching me and straight away he shot out of bed and stormed to the bathroom saying something like "why would I be touching you.mmyou think I want that?" Or something like that. The other times I'm not sure I didnt bring it up in the morning and neither did he.
But I dont like how he deals with the kids sometimes. I find him over the top and harsh. The other day for example we took the kids to the shop to get a treat (choc bar or similar) the kids were excited. Dd was taking a bit longer than the others husband was getting frustrated. He picked up smallest dd in temper roughly and put her down in a hard angry way outside the shop for me to take her. She cried because she could feel his anger and she had done absolutely nothing wrong. (She is almost 2)
Then he said to eldest dd that she had had her chance and she was too late now. He stormed out the shop and started walking off saying that she was spoilt and not getting a treat now. She started crying...all this because everyone else had chosen and she couldn't see anything she liked (itbwas a tiny shop and not much)
I said it was ok because theres a bigger shop further up where we were walking anyway and she could pick something there. He said no shes not having anything. Shes a spoilt brat. I said its not fair everyone else got something. So he said eventually "ok she cab get a treat if she apologises for her behaviour"
She said sorry and he didnt hear. So he told her to say it again. She said S.O.R.R.Y...SORRY! With attitude.
He went mad saying she has lost stickers off her sticker chart and no treats. He kept ranting. We were with fil and his wife. His wife said "can I take her to get a treat"or something like that and he said "if she apologises to me"
She went over and said a nice sorry. But he said "no...no treats your attitude has been awful" he started walking away
Anyway. Fils wife told me to go after him as he was with ds and I had smallest dd and she said she would get dd1 her treat and meet us at the cars.
Husband had a go at me for siding with her and said "you should respect what I say and you're just a pushover you let her walk all over you
" etc.
He also said "dd1 is going back in the car with you we will have to swap car seats." I asked why and he was like "I dont want her anywhere near me. I dont want to be around her."
Ffs all that over her not deciding quick enough and him deciding she was spoilt and had an attitude etc
Next morning she was crying saying she wanted cheerios. Husband said here wasnt much left and he was giving it to ds as he doesnt like weetabix. She said "sigh I guess I'll have weetabix then. This was before I came in. Then I came in and she told me she was upset over not having cheerios. I told her I must got more cereal in. She was all "yay" husband said "no shes having weetabix."
Lots of back and forth her saying she soesnt want them he said she already said she would have them etc. Then he blows up and sends her to her room and shouted that shes a spoilt brat and bo respect etc.
Things like this. Are really melting my head. I keep thinking I can do this course. It's a year and I'll have a job hopefully and can support myself and the kids and see how things are then. But I'm struggling and tbh dont want him near me most of the time. I know I shouldbt be moaning. But it's more difficult than anyone could know. I have noone and lots of things have happened recently just in life in general and I'm honestly exhausted and feel like I dont even have time to think never mind sort things out.

Is it abuse? I spoke to fils wife about it. She actually asked what happened the day before as she wasnt sure she had got what happened right
I explained and she told me she didnt like his behaviour and I agreed and said I always speak to him about it but he wont be told he thinks I'm the one in the wrong. She said he acts like a child. But then she went on to say hes a good dad and just loses his temper now and then. I told my friend who I saw the other day and I asked about it being abusive and she said not abusive just controlling. So I'm not sure what to think. If I left now I wouldnt be able to do the course and wouldnt be able to get a job that would suit round the kids etc. I have 3 small children and absolutely no family.
As for leaving I dont even know where or how to start.
Dont jump on me to look. I will research just when I'm less sleep deprived and can concentrate and retain information

Gosh sorry that sounded so grumpy. I didnt mean it to. Sorry.

This is actually horrifying for so many reasons. I won't repeat all of the previous wise statements made by others, but you absolutely need to take the blinkers off and understand that not only are you being abused, but YOUR CHILDREN ARE BEING ABUSED!
The time to leave is right now. They don't deserve one more second of this abuse. If my partner did either one of those things to any of my children, he'd be out so fast his head would spin.

What about that was abusive. I dont agree with him at all and I hate his methods but he tells me we have different parenting styles and that I'm just a pushover and let the kids walk all over me etc. I dont think I do I think I have boundaries and consequences but he doesnt agree with my methods and I dont agree with his.. but he maintains that he is right.
Also he was singing "you and me baby ain't nothing but mammals so let's do it like they do in the discovery channel" in front if them the other day. I've asked him not to sing that in front of them before as I dont reallywant them repeating it in school etc might seem like a prude and over sensitive as I know he thinks but he still does it. I just feel like it's a bit inappropriate but maybe I'm just being silly?
Honestly wasnt expecting people to think my children are being abused. Am i just stupid or what. How is it abuse? He is over the top and harsh but abusive towards them...?

This all sounds awful. He is abusive both to you and the children. Ignoring the (awful) abuse of you in the past, his approach to the children is harsh, inconsistent, bad-tempered and inappropriate. Can't you see how bad it is for them if he invents bad behaviour on their part because he doesn't feel sufficiently "respected" , rejects them in anger and constantly moves the goalposts, i.e. "You can have this if you say sorry. Oh no you can't because even though you've said it, I'm still angry at you". Children need clear and consistent boundaries, enforced calmly and without anger, and the certainty that their parents love them and value them regardless. All this "Keep her out of my sight, I don't want to look at her" stuff is immature of your partner and damaging to your DD. And this is without even discussing his inappropriate sexual references and behaviour in front of them...

Yes I understand and I constantly talk to him about it and disagree. I also defend her in front of him which creates more arguments and I think sometimes makes things worse. I really hate his parenting I dont think it's right but at the same time could you really call it abuse? What kind of abuse? If you went to police with any of that there would be no consequences.
Also he didnt say the comment about the car in front of her. She was with her nana in the shop when he said that to me.
He talks to them nicely and plays with them too it's just as soon as something doesnt go his way this happens. But then I think he has changed the other behaviour maybe he can change this too xx

So hes stopped raping you, but now he's physically and mentally abusing the children. Right. What an absolute sweetheart this "man" is. Always looking for someone smaller and weaker than himself to abuse.

If you wont take action for yourself, OP, please take action for your kids. He's a rapist who has now moved on to physical assault of your pre-school children. What will he move onto next, and are you willing to wait until that happens?