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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feel like husband doesn't care

990 replies

Chickencuddle · 03/03/2020 12:22

Feel like his priorities are football and sex and then the kids and everything else and then me at the bottom. I know I sound like a spoiled brat. But I dont need much. Just feel like he doesnt care about me.
For example I have been very poorly recently ended up in a and e and still feeling very ill on the way home from A and E he grabbed my hand and made me touch his boner. I was like why have you got a boner now. He was just like "can you sort it out for me."
The kids were asleep in the back but could have woken up at any minute. I said no u felt awful and anyway the kids are in the back and it's not right to do hat when they are there.
He was all aww you could just Bob your head down or use your hand and be discreet.
Etc.
I was talking seriously the other day about going back to work to help with Bill's etc. Maybe doing a short course to get back into work. He wasnt really listening and then just said
Aye well you dont have to sell your body in the meantime.
I was like what? As if I would ever do that and I just feel like that's all he thinks I'm good for.
Asked him to watch the kids for an hour the other day because I was feeling so ill I thought I might pass out and he just complained about not being able to watch football.
The only time he hugs me or is nice to me is if he wants something.
Everything is a sexual innuendo and always dry humping me. I just feel like a piece of meat someti.es and just wish he would back off. Let me get better and be caring.
Am I being a brat or what?

OP posts:
Chickencuddle · 20/04/2020 21:17

I'm ok just completely confused and WA woman still hasnt emailed me back I feel discouraged and I feel confused. Husband is being really nice and painting a picture of what an amazing life we will have together etc sometimes I believe him and other times I'm not sure it's like my brain is arguing with itself.

OP posts:
Justtryingtobehelpful · 20/04/2020 21:50

He can sense you pulling away so he's love bombing you again. Hoovering you back in. He knows your mine better than yourself. The How He Gets Into Your Mind book explains it well. Women saying they didn't understand how their partners seemed to know their next move! They've spent so long playing you and your emotions, it's like clockwork to them! Don't get sucjed back in again. Read up on gray rock. Be neutral.....

Justtryingtobehelpful · 20/04/2020 21:51

Grey Rock Method
www.aconsciousrethink.com/6158/gray-rock-method-dealing-narcissist/

ursuslemonade · 20/04/2020 21:53

Look op I really feel for you, I understand how confusing and unnerving this 'new' him is for you, but chances are he has either seen this thread or senses that you're about to escape from his grip.
He is a horrible excuse for a human being.
Be strong and plan your exit and don't let him lure you back in.

12345kbm · 20/04/2020 22:38

It's very disappointing that you still haven't heard back OP. Thanks for letting us know you are safe, I was very worried.

OffThePlanet · 20/04/2020 23:13

OP would you like someone from MN in your area to phone WA on your behalf and ask what is going on and why hasn’t anyone emailed you. I think you said you were in NI.

I feel you are in danger, where can you go unless you get help while he is in the house. Unless the police can come and remove him so you don’t have to leave.

looondonn · 20/04/2020 23:23

I don't live too far

Please let me know what I can do

Don't hang around waiting
He is sucking you in
False sense of hope

He is just like my bast---- ex

Some of the things he has done to you make me so so angry

Stella8686 · 21/04/2020 00:01

Oh OP I remember your post from 3rd March

I know it's hard and you're trying to but please LTB!

Your posts are hard reading I feel for you so much x

He's the devil
He enjoys belittling you
You are garbage to him

I'm so sorry you should be a person again not a shell from being a domestic sex giver

FlowerArranger · 21/04/2020 00:35

I'm ok just completely confused ... I feel confused... my brain is arguing with itself.

@Chickencuddle... Your confusion is evident in just about every one of your posts. You are an intelligent woman and yet you are unable to make sense of what is happening to you. It's like you are doing a giant puzzle consisting of 1000s of tiny pieces, but some pieces just don't seem to fit.

Your husband is an experienced manipulator who knows just how to mess with your head. He knows which buttons to press and how to interact with and control you, to make you doubt yourself.

I don't think you will truly recognise the situation you are in, nor will you be able to fully accept your husband's abusive nature - until you are free of him. Sadly, it seems to be a Catch-22 situation.

Hill1991 · 21/04/2020 01:39

Holy shit OP please get the hell out and with your kids.

I've read through from the start and one thing stands out to me is that you said that if you don't have sex with him he becomes controlling ( understand that's part off the control and it's rape just because your married doesn't mean he can't rape you)

Also him putting down your friends that's also control trying to get you away from any from off support you have (any outside influence)

You say also that he's a good dad, do you have a son who will see what his dad is doing to his mother and thinks it's normal or a daughter who think that this is how men treat women. (He learnt his behaviour from his farther and he will pass it on to your child)

Poppybeaumydarlinggirl · 21/04/2020 01:58

I sense your from the north east for some reason maybe it’s the words you use.

Notverybright · 21/04/2020 05:55

I was worried about you too op. Just remember your very factual, relatively objective posts are making strangers on the internet worry for your safety. That is not in your head.

Your husband being nice now doesn't cancel out the things that he's done before, and will do in the future. Remember how you felt leaving the hospital? Does him being nice now make that ok?

SittingAround1 · 21/04/2020 12:38

Is there any chance your husband has access to your emails and is deleting any replies from WA?
Maybe change your password just in case.

Chickencuddle · 21/04/2020 23:32

Thanks for all your concern. I've emailed the support worker again and just taking things as they come and trying to make sense of things in my head difficult to think when you have 3 children. One of which is a toddler and your homeschooling and cooking and cleaning dont have much time to think lol.

OP posts:
PearPickingPorky · 22/04/2020 08:20

Can you set up a new email account for WA with no app for the provider on your phone, so he definitely cannot find it?

Justtryingtobehelpful · 22/04/2020 09:31

Make sure to reply from your normal account telling decided to stay with him and not pursue the issue.

then create new email account and email are telling her that you're concerned that he's reading your emails and to use this one from now on.

Chickencuddle · 22/04/2020 23:06

I'm almost 100% certain he isnt reading my emails. I changed password recently.
He is actually being fine atm. Few tiny things but alot less.
I emailed wa yesterday asking had she recieved my email she said she had but obviously shes busy and then said I could contact nexus regarding rape and help dealing with that.
Said I'm the expert in my relationship (said I was confused on which parts are considered abusive) then said she can discuss options with me in person when lockdown is over....
So for me...it just feels so so impossible to get advice. I've asked her a few times now and she has now basically said she cant give me proper advice until after lockdown. Even then I have the kids so csnt really go and meet her until they are back at school which will probably be September earliest.

OP posts:
Chickencuddle · 22/04/2020 23:07

I feel like now I'll just stick at it until lockdown ended then it will be so much easier after that. Hopefully.

OP posts:
12345kbm · 22/04/2020 23:41

OP, these are your options:

  1. You can go to a refuge. There are refuges for women and children. This would be a temporary solution. It provides a safe space for you and the children where you won't be subjected to constant abuse. At the refuge are support workers who can give you advice and help for the long term for example, your legal options or finding somewhere else to live etc You have been given a list of all refuges in NI. It is better to go somewhere outside your county for safety reasons.
  1. You could apply for an Occupation Order. An Occupation Order gets your husband out of the house. He won't be allowed to live there and will have to move somewhere else. An Occupation Order is sometimes combined with 3.
  1. Non Molestation Order. A Non Molestation Order is written specifically for the situation involved and you can even have a Non Molestation Order whilst living with an abuser. It spells out the kind of behaviour he can't do, for example, sexually assault you. It is a criminal offence to breach a Non Molestation Order and carries the power of arrest.
  1. You can divorce. I don't need to explain what that means. Family Law solicitors are still working and there is nothing stopping you from divorcing.
  1. You can contact the police and discuss your options with them. They also have powers to remove the abuser from the house and prevent him from contacting you.
  1. You could look into renting elsewhere, taking the children and going.
  1. You can ask him to move out. Perhaps contact the police, explain the situation and have him escorted from the premises if you feel unsafe doing that alone.

These are your options unless NI has other options I'm not aware of. You have been given the contact details for Gingerbread up thread and you can look it up online. Gingerbread can give you information on life as a single parent and everything that entails, for example, what benefits you are entitled to, maintenance, child contact arrangements etc

You have also been given the details of a free legal advice organisation in NI who can either advise on your legal options or signpost you somewhere that can.

You have also been given the details of a free general advice line in NI that can answer many of your questions on for example, benefits, child maintenance, paying for rent or a mortgage and finding a solicitor.

I don't know why WA refuse to discuss any of this with you; the only possibility is because they believe it may put you at risk to do so because your husband is always there.

Waiting until the children are back at school complicates matters because you won't want to take them out of school to move for example. It's better to do something now as it's less disruptive.

It will be just as hard to do something after lockdown as it is now. Please have a think about what you want to do because the longer you stay in an abusive situation the longer your mental health and that of your children suffers.

OliviaBenson · 23/04/2020 09:25

I'm sorry she's not being more helpful op. I think maybe they aren't understanding the gravity of the situation for you.

What are the small things he's been doing this week? Is he still pestering you for sex?

I hope you don't mind me asking, it's just I think it's important to document all his behaviours and we can give a steer on here if they are minor or actually point out to you if they are actually much bigger than you think. I know you have been used to minimising and it's a difficult cycle to break.

12345kbm · 23/04/2020 09:47

Just to add. Saying 'you're the expert on your relationship' when someone is desperately seeking validation that their relationship is abusive, really is bullshit.

You don't need validation from her OP. You are in an abusive relationship.

He is financially abusive. He is sexually abusive. He is emotionally abusive. He is psychologically abusive. He is coercively controlling you. He is intimidating you. He is undermining and criticising you. He is manipulating you. He is physically abusing you. And he is doing all this in front of the children and he is also abusing the children. You are living in an abusive household and your children are being subjected to abuse. You are living in fear and your delusions of a happy homelife are exactly that, delusions. You are in denial. You don't need someone from WA to tell you that.

The longer you stay the worse it will get and in the meantime, your children are learning, just like you did, that abuse is normal because that is what they see every single day.

looondonn · 23/04/2020 13:45

Yes to the very wise people on here

I got the same warnings and stayed like an idiot

But then that went wrong and he tried to kill me and assaulted my baby

Be very careful

So glad someone laid your options out so clearly

I had a house for you which sadly is no longer available but we do have other options

In my experience keep talking
Keep asking for help
WA are wonderful but at the start they lost my referral (they were so so busy)
After rectifying this they were FAB
And it opened my eyes as I was minimising everything

Please be so careful
Sept is a long time away

BeatrixPottersAlterEgo · 23/04/2020 17:50

Not impressed with the WA woman saying that either.

He is indeed 100% abusive

Justtryingtobehelpful · 23/04/2020 20:03

Interesting thread on will my children be affected if I break up with my narcissistic husband. Make you feel better OP about not having him in their lives...?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3887959-Can-a-narcissistic-man-ever-love-love-their-children

TheSparklyPussycat · 24/04/2020 17:44

Actually, OP did need validation from WA.

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