Feel like husband doesn't care

[Chickencuddle]

Feel like his priorities are football and sex and then the kids and everything else and then me at the bottom. I know I sound like a spoiled brat. But I dont need much. Just feel like he doesnt care about me.
For example I have been very poorly recently ended up in a and e and still feeling very ill on the way home from A and E he grabbed my hand and made me touch his boner. I was like why have you got a boner now. He was just like "can you sort it out for me."
The kids were asleep in the back but could have woken up at any minute. I said no u felt awful and anyway the kids are in the back and it's not right to do hat when they are there.
He was all aww you could just Bob your head down or use your hand and be discreet.
Etc.
I was talking seriously the other day about going back to work to help with Bill's etc. Maybe doing a short course to get back into work. He wasnt really listening and then just said
Aye well you dont have to sell your body in the meantime.
I was like what? As if I would ever do that and I just feel like that's all he thinks I'm good for.
Asked him to watch the kids for an hour the other day because I was feeling so ill I thought I might pass out and he just complained about not being able to watch football.
The only time he hugs me or is nice to me is if he wants something.
Everything is a sexual innuendo and always dry humping me. I just feel like a piece of meat someti.es and just wish he would back off. Let me get better and be caring.
Am I being a brat or what?

I'm so sorry that you are being so badly let down here. You are being so brave, trying to get help and support. I was really hoping that today some kind of plan could be discussed and you would at last have a strategy to get you out of this horrendous situation.

We'll just have to hang in there.

Just to reiterate:

1. We have discussed a safety plan.
2. You could email the legal advice centre for advice on your legal options.
3. You can email the 24 hour helpline at any time should you need advice.
4. Dial 999 if the abuse escalates.
5. You have the list of refuge numbers. I also believe that NI has introduced 'crash pads' which are short stay places for survivors fleeing abuse. They are in Derry/Londonderry, Ballymena and Belfast and designed to be compatible with social distancing guidelines.

Perhaps contact that friend again OP and see if she can call Women's Aid and ask them to email you should they not contact you tomorrow.

I found the numbers for you as well in case you lose the details again. You can find them here.

Also OP I don't know if you know but you can dial 999 and press 55 when prompted. This enables you to communicate with the police without speaking.

Keep writing it down. Keep acknowledging your feelings towards the behaviour.

Sending you love. Always here

Thank you kbm that's really good to know all of it. You've been so amazing thank you.
Thanks sendalls. Hope you're going ok.

Also he was getting at me about ths food shop being too expensive I said I went through it and tried to cut down as much as possible without taking anything of his off but he kept going on he asked what kind of things I had bought and got annoyed that I had bought baby cereal bars type things. They are £2 for a multi pack. He kept saying it was too expensive and a waste of money. I asked hi. What about the 2 Easter eggs he ordered for himself at £2 each. He just ignored me. Lol.

He is the worse
And so much like my bast--- ex
This will escalate
He already is financially
Sexually
Emotionally abusive

Total scum

Why do you have to leave !??

What can be done this week to get him out ??

Can we all put our heads together on here??? Come on !!!!

Thinking of you today op.

Seen this on a separate thread. Thought you'd find it interesting.

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How to leave DP during lockdown?33Show OP
Today 09:36Needbettername

Do you have a car?

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Today 12:57namechange1st

Yes I have a car that's completely mine so no problems there, other than its size as not much room for anything else once the girls are in their seats.

He won't go out and buy anything other than going the local corner shop. I asked him to go to the supermarket the other week and I've not heard the end of it about how I "stitched him up" with knowing there would be queues to get in, etc, (surely everyone knows they are restricting entry, and he sees the same news as me, but of course it's my fault...).

If it's not his working day he doesn't appear from upstairs until 11am so I'd have mornings as a means to leave at a push.

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Today 13:19VanGoghsDog

The Covid guidelines specifically have both domestic violence and moving house as exceptions.

They do, but they are not guidelines - they are law.

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Today 13:24category12

I really think you need to get up tomorrow, make the usual morning noises and leg it with the children before he realises.

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Today 13:29TeddyIsaHe

Call the police tomorrow morning and let them know your escaping domestic abuse and you’re scared of your partner. They should send someone over to assist you while you move out. Can you get a van organised? Even ask on a local fb page, I’m sure someone would want to help you out of this situation.

Wishing you all the strength and safety.

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Today 13:34Desmondo2016

As a police officer my best advice is for your end game to be you remaining in the house and him being the one to leave. This will require you to report to, and engage with, the police. You can report this on webchat or by email.

Say who's in the household.
Say you are living on fear of violence.
Say he threatened to assault you with a baseball bat
List everything else significant that he has done(control, corrosion, a minor push, threats etc).
Explain that your children are witnessing this.
Explain that due to lockdown you cannot seek the family help you normally would and feel trapped.
Explain you are unable to talk on the phone and provide a secure email address.

Happy for a pm on here if you want more advice and if you happen to be in my force area I'll make it happen for you. (South West England).

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Today 13:37Desmondo2016

Probably preferable is to go out with the girls for a walk/shop and then either go to the police station or phone while you are out. That way, resources allowing, they can go around and arrest him while you are safely out the way and your girls won't need to see it. I know arrest sounds scary but undoubtedly there will be criminal offences that he has committed even if you don't realise it yourself.

The first step of leaving is the hardest. It's always easier to stay. Normal lockdown rules don't need to apply to you at the moment. Big girls pants on, focus on the end game and your girls and jump. X

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Today 13:39Desmondo2016

And even if they don't charge him with any offences, there are orders that can be given to him prohibiting him from coming back to address, to give you time to sort things out, whether that be you moving all your stuff out or you taking over the tenancy in your sole name (which is normally possible in DA cases).

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3881792-How-to-leave-DP-during-lockdown?pg=2&order=

Any news OP? I hope they contacted you today.

She emailed me It wasnt clear but I think she was suggesting coercive control. She also said I could apply for housing when still living with him. Asked me if I work. That was it. So I emailed her so.e questions on different options and didnt get a reply back yet so hopefully in next few days.
I'm not in a rush tbh. I'm not in danger. He has been great today made kids pancakes. Been lovely all day. Told me the comments about my weight etc are a joke and he doesnt mean them. I didnt even bring it up and he said that.
I'm still asking questions and going to keep in contact with WA but just feeling very confused today and thinking maybe it's me being silly. Alot of people banter like this. He is trying so hard a few things that normally would have tipped him over the edge today I was waiting for it to come but it didnt. He was calm and fine. I think hes realised.especially with the kids.
Although one thing I felt uncomfy with today was on our walk I was playing would you rather with the kids. Eg: pasta or pizza. Rain or snow. Etc
He said to me quietly "doggy or missionary."I said please not round the kids. He asked me again and then asked a few more sexually related questions.
I just find it so off. We are having lovely innocent fun with the kids when he does that. I mean I'm 99%sure the kids didnt hear but for me it's just not the time. I think also I have big issues with anything sexual atm and tbh probably have for a long time. So again I feel I probably do react very differently to alot of women I know many of my friends might giggle about it and shrug it off in a good natured way.
For me I feel like it sends a shiver of fear through me.

OP you have so many people on this thread telling you over and over IT'S NOT IN YOUR HEAD, YOU AREN'T BEING SILLY, YOU AREN'T BEING TOO SENSITIVE. IT'S HIM AND IT'S ABUSE.

I know you say you're not in a rush, but the longer you stay the more muddled you feel. Please, please find a way to leave. I am worried about you and your kids and I'm sure many others on this thread can say the same.

Yes to the posters on here telling you ITS NOT YOU

The longer you stay the cycle continues
He is horrible
Then. Kind
You get confused
Not sure what next
I would be making a clear plan now
Get him out

I have been through it all

The only ones I could confide in were some amazing people on here and WA

Please keep posting

The whole idea is to have you in a constant spin, that’s why they switch between ‘good’ and ‘bad’ so that you start doubting yourself and rationalising their behaviour, “maybe it’s not so bad, maybe it’s me making a big deal about nothing”, PLEASE don’t backtrack OP, you deserve so much more

OP you're doing really well reaching out for support and help. Just keep in contact with the WA support worker, I've no doubt she's very busy right now. Keep gathering information and advice. Keep noting the incidents.

He is abusive, it's just that you're in the middle of it and can't see it. You've come so far and I know how hard it is to think of splitting up the family, especially when you don't have family of your own. To have got this far is so brave.

Once you're away from him, it will feel like a fog clearing and you'll be able to see it for what it is. Like many women who stayed, you'll wonder why you stayed so long. I hope WA get back to you today. Keep plugging away.

I'm also wondering if your husband is reading this thread OP. Please be careful and cover your online tracks. You might find this helpful.

You're doing great, keep going.

Hey OP, how's it going?

'Told me the comments about my weight etc are a joke'

They all say that.

'A lot of people banter like this.'

No- well only abusive arseholes.

' So again I feel I probably do react very differently to alot of women I know many of my friends might giggle about it and shrug it off in a good natured way.'

I don't think they would OP- well, most women wouldn't. Not with kids around, and especially not when the person concerned physically pesters them a lot in a way that's uncomfortable (sexually assaults them) and has raped them in the past. You must feel on edge a lot of the time- especially when he makes these comments.

You're not weird about sex- he is.

Urgh no way I would find your husband's jokes funny. Especially after what has happened.

Sending a shiver down your spine is your body's natural reaction to this. Your brain keeps overriding it.

How are you op?

My ex was very like this. Right down to the wanting me to wank him off while he was driving with the kids in the car.

I had an abdominal operation under GA and he picked me up from hospital and made me walk round the shops with him so he could buy some clothes for himself.

Constant digs about my looks and the state of the house, he refused point blank to do any housework.

Groping me in my sleep and starting to have sex with me when I was asleep.

He’s get paid in cash on a Friday and then spend it all over the weekend, I resorted to claiming tax credits so I had money for rent and food, he didn’t declare his income so I couldn’t declare it for TC, I lived in fear they would find out and I’d be prosecuted.

Constantly, and I mean constantly phoning me throughout the day.

He would ‘dead arm’ me or shove me or otherwise hurt me and then tell me I had no sense of humour and couldn’t take a joke. He punched me in the face twice and not he times convinced me it was my fault and an accident.

I left one day with the kids and never looked back. I’m now married to a wonderful man who treats me with respect and as an equal.

My then toddlers are now nearly adults and are thriving.

You can do this. It also took me a long time to realise it was abuse, especially the physical stuff because he wasn’t beating the shit out of me.

OP, are you ok?

It’s strange that he’s specifically said the weight comments were a joke , without you mentioning it. Makes me wonder whether he has been reading this thread andsettign the groundwork for lying about everything

Hi OP, is everything ok? Can you let us know if you're safe please.

Updates?

Can we do anything?

Please let us know if you can
Xxxx