Feel like husband doesn't care

[Chickencuddle]

Feel like his priorities are football and sex and then the kids and everything else and then me at the bottom. I know I sound like a spoiled brat. But I dont need much. Just feel like he doesnt care about me.
For example I have been very poorly recently ended up in a and e and still feeling very ill on the way home from A and E he grabbed my hand and made me touch his boner. I was like why have you got a boner now. He was just like "can you sort it out for me."
The kids were asleep in the back but could have woken up at any minute. I said no u felt awful and anyway the kids are in the back and it's not right to do hat when they are there.
He was all aww you could just Bob your head down or use your hand and be discreet.
Etc.
I was talking seriously the other day about going back to work to help with Bill's etc. Maybe doing a short course to get back into work. He wasnt really listening and then just said
Aye well you dont have to sell your body in the meantime.
I was like what? As if I would ever do that and I just feel like that's all he thinks I'm good for.
Asked him to watch the kids for an hour the other day because I was feeling so ill I thought I might pass out and he just complained about not being able to watch football.
The only time he hugs me or is nice to me is if he wants something.
Everything is a sexual innuendo and always dry humping me. I just feel like a piece of meat someti.es and just wish he would back off. Let me get better and be caring.
Am I being a brat or what?

You are brave.
You are stronger than you think.
You are worth more than this treatment.
You deserve respect.

I keep having to tell myself this. You know my story. I will do anything at all I can to support you. I know I'm hundreds of miles away but I really will do whatever I can. You are not completely alone love x

Oh other women would love that. .I'm just a prude....I'm picking at little things. Etc

No other women want to be forced/pressured into inappropriate sexualised behaviour in front of their children, and if there are any that do there is something very wrong with them.

There is something very wrong with your husband.

Just a thought, are you close to the border? You could always cross over if you did need to get away from him. Go to a Garda station. He'd not think to look there for you. Remember if you do get in a very to get away, don't use the GPS on your phone in case he's tracking it.
It might give you more time as they'd need to liaise with the PSNI on your behalf. He would assume you'd still be in N.I. so he would be a few steps behind you.
Just a thought....

Get on a car to get away*

Thanks so much everyone for your messages honestly without this thread I think I would never be looking at options to get away.
I messaged my friend on here before and she said to post what I told her so I'm copying and pasting.
I feel at the end of my tether today and hes not done anything really bad...its hard to describe. It's just so much more work with him around. So if I'm trying to make lunch for the kids and watch todsler while shes climbing on a chair and the kids are asking me questions I'm trying to do all that already and instead of taking some of the load he just adds to it. "I dont think the kids are very happy with the Easter lunch your making them think they had higher expectations." Ill go mmm or yeah I know. But he will go on and on. Saying my name over and over until I stop what in doing look at him and he will say just the same thing again. when it's clear I'm doing lots of stuff. If I say wait a sec he will have a second pause before he starts up again.
He said I'm making a smoothie you want some. Me busy "erm maybe in a little bit but not right now thanks." Seconds later pops a glass in front of me. There you go. Me: oh thanks. Him: make sure you drink it though.
20 seconds later...you havnt drunk any smoothy dont waste it.

Md: im just making the kids lunch I'll have it in a bit

Him: Dont waste it though.

He said this like 3 times.

Toddler crying because I wouldn't give her the tablet (he started giving it to her and I hate it.) Hes commenting "oh you're not in her good books. Haha shes not happy with you. Hey hey shes not happy with you at all.

It sounds silly but I'm trying to do a million things and everyone wants me and it's just annoying.
He would happily sit there watching TV all morning with the kids but I hate them having too much screen time so I was suggesting painting and said quietly to him I think we need to sort another activity they've had TV for ages. But then he just kept saying oh kids let's watch this. and putting different things on (the poo song...the fart song...lovely)
So I went to set up painting and called them in. They are painting nicely and hes trying to get DS to do something on his that he doesnt want to do. DS is getting upset and doesnt wsnt to do it anymore.
Then he tells him to write his name in paint but ds wants to write it in pencil. Dh refuses saying he can only use paint and it went on for a bit. I said why cant he use pencil? Dh said "because we are using paint and that's it" I said "oh I have a pencil here he can use that of he doesnt wsnt to use the paint."
Like it's just so stressful. Every activity. I think of when we do painting and everyone is calm and loving it. But when he is there its stressful. Then he was having a go at me for squeezing too much paint on the plate as we didnt use it all. Went on about how I've basically wasted a pound. (Have I balls)

This morning i was lay on the bed and he kind of jumped on me and i said ow you basically just belly flopped on me. He said yeah well that's how it feels for me when you're on top.
Lots of grabbing my bum and also twice I've been stood up and hes lay on the couch and poked his foot at my privates. Gross I'm sorry.
He showed me a thing on Facebook about how people are going to have to wear masks indoors to stop them eating. He said I need one.
I honestly dont think I eat a huge or unreasonable amount. It makes me sad that I have told him numerous times I dont like comments about my weight or what food I'm eating. I have issues with it he knows why and even if hes joking I've told him I still dont like it but he just Carrie's on.
He is like a child sometimes when he argues with the kids or tries to make a point it's like another child the way he talks. "That wasnt me dd...that wasnt me...you said it was me and it wasnt me!" I'm just thinking let it goooo! Just the way he says it.
Stay calm. Breathe.
I'm sorry that's probably alot of gobbledigoop.

And also he just wouldn't give me a minute with my thoughts every time I wasnt speaking to the kids or to him he keeps saying. Why are you quiet. What's wrong. You're being really quiet.
I'm not being quiet I'm honestly not I'm being normal but hes hyper and is talking chattering constantly and so if I stop to talk like if I'm eating he keeps asking me. Why are you so quiet. What's wrong. Must have asked me 4 times today.

Oh also...sorry for another message I've just remembered I was feeding toddler before and he sat next to me and grabbed my boob to put in her mouth himself....hes done that before and I've asked him not to and hes asked why I said because I can do it myself I dont need you to do it.
He kept saying yeah but what's the problem if I do it.
I said it's just wierd it's my body.
He was like no its mine too I'm married to you so its half mine.
I said no Its still my body though.
He just said oh well I wouldn't mind you doing that to me and I see my body as half yours.
Then he kept saying "right comeon get her off the boob now."
She wasnt done and o kept telling him but he kept saying
Come on now. Time to get off. Get her off now
He isnt shouting at me but it's just so so annoying.

I get exhausted just reading this. I expect you can't hear yourself think... No wonder you are constantly on edge. Try not letting it get to you.

Chicken, what you describe sounds so so exhausting. I could t live like this.
He is mentally and emotionally draining you with constantly demanding your attention, because he knows you will be too tiered to think and too tiered make a plan to leave.

I understand you want to wait with leaving, but really I hope for you to manage it sooner rather than later.

OP, I can't imagine how exhausting it is.

But of course it's deliberate.
Tormenting you so that your head is a mess from the constant noise that is him.

He is as vile a human as I have read about on here.. and christ that is saying something.

All that sounds it's exactly like my day with Ex husband

I am really exhausted today. So many comments about how big I am
What I'm eating. Need to start working out etc. Je says it in a nice ish way in that he isnt being really horrible or shouting. Pr saying it in a nasty way. But I've told him I hate it.
Also tried bending me over when I was making dinner again. I told him to stop really firmly and he actually did.
I'm just ignoring his comments because theres no point I've told him so many times how I feel about it.

Sendalls you went through so much. You are so brave and so amazing to have escaped like you did. I'm in awe. How are you atm? How are you feeling?

Op I'm so sorry that you are having such an awful time it really does sound so draining. The comment about your body being half his is horrible!and it's despicable to make digs about your weight when he knows you have battled with an eating disorder just another attempt to belittle you and wear you down. Im so saddened reading your posts that you are going through this with this awful abuser. Your doing so well keep posting on here we are all here to support you ❤️

As a new MN user, I didn’t know about all these different types of abuse either..I didn’t know that a husband just touching his wife sexually could be classed as abuse, so I can see why you and your friends etc don’t see it as that.

Reading the thread, however, and seeing you reveal more about him just makes him sound worse and worse. This is no way to treat your husband or wife...this is not how a marriage should be. It’s very sad that you put up with this and don’t see how unacceptable his behaviour is. It most definitely is abuse in different ways! I’ve also been with DH since I was a teen and not once has he put me down, groped me inappropriately or forced me to do anything against my will, sexual or otherwise. No, no one should be treated like that.

I really wish you and your kids the best of luck and hope you will be rid of this horrible man very soon.

You're going through alot too. You just don't see it when it's yourself. I wouldn't have said k went through a lot. But if I wrote it all out it probably would be. Dreading giving the statement as it will be all written down in one go.

Hating this limbo phase at the moment and getting messages again as it's Easter.

Don't worry about me though. If my situation can help you in any way I'm happy

Thanks you so much. You are very kind to offer advice when you are going through so much yourself.
Is he still messaging you? I guess that's really horrible but may be good to use for evidence? You're doing amazing.

He wants you exhausted so you can't think straight. I had this and all I could think was he will snap out of it cos I can't fight this anymore. But he didn't.
It's like he's a toddler competing with his children.
Keep planning, keep writing it down. To this forum or yourself. Seeing it out there it will start to make more sense.

Just bumping this for you OP, I hope you keep posting xx

@Chickencuddle big big virtual hug. I have just found your thread, I could write the exact same text as you. My husband is sexually abusive too and I need to leave. I just scared to right now.

I didnt want to read and run but I want you to know your not alone. xx

Thanks. Not much to report really.
Same old today really comments about my weight. Alot more but just the same kind of thing.
Monitoring what I'm eating making dogs and saying things to the kids about what I ate shaking his head at me.
I honestly dont eat in excess I am healthy and eat a mostly healthy diet.
Got stressed over me and the kids planting things in pots in the garden and hung over me and badgers me constantly about the mess even though I said I would sweep up the dirt. He just stood over me and went on and on..
Nothing major but the same little things.
Tried joining womens aid when an opportunity arose today but hey aremt open until Wednesday (in my local area anyway)
He confused me this evening after making comments on my hair clothes and weight he then tonight told me in beautifull. Just out of the blue.

Seeking freedom thank you so much big hugs to you too. Are you able to call or email WA at all? Have you any family you can reach out to?

@chickencuddle
I have been in contact with womans aid and the national domestic helpline, they have both confirmed the same things and gave me local numbers. I just havent had the courage yet to contact these local services, just so close to home, speaking to a national helpline makes me feel more 'invisable' while if i speak to someone local, I am worried that someone would recognise me......i know that is silly and that chances are nil to none but its a mental thing. I have also been to the police who gave me the useful advice of 'have a chat with your husband' after he raped me one morning. I woke up to him fingering me and about to enter me with his penis. I froze in fear, took my boy to school and drove to the police station in shock.

I am sorry, didnt mean to take over, but you are doing the right thing getting help. :-)

No you're not taking over at all might sound wierd but it's nice to speak to someone who is going through similar things.
That's awful about the police was that all they said? This is what scares me.
I was exactly the same it took me ages to pluck up the courage but do you know what each time you do it it gets just a little easier. You can do it. Even if someone did recognise you (very unlikely.) They cant say anything its confidential. Sending all the hugs.

yes @chickencuddle, it is nice in a strange sort of way to know your not alone.

In one of your earlier posts, you mention something along the lines of your husband says half of your body is his so he can grope you if he likes............my husband constantly says - your my wife, marriage vows to have and to hold.....i am holding you, i am entitled to hold you when ever I want. I said - no your not its my body but he just says your my wife, to have and to hold. He always does it at the most awkard time too.....cooking dinner, washing up or running a bath for our son.

The police - I first spoke to some local officers who really were nice and I had confidence something would happen. Then two other more specialist officers came from the nearest city (im semi rural) and basically interviewed me like I was the one on trail, twisting questions - how would my husband know i didnt want sex if i didnt say no or push him away? (for example) I just said, well he wouldnt know but I was asleep - would have thought that would have been a good enough clue. The advice they offered was to have a chat and if i can get any audio evidence of me saying no then to get back in touch.

I confided in an old friend, he suggested a webcam in the bedroom. Not sure if that is a good idea or not plus our bedroom is quite empty, I have a photo frame that may hold a tiny camera but as it is on my bedside table, I think he would notice it.