Feel like husband doesn't care

[Chickencuddle]

Feel like his priorities are football and sex and then the kids and everything else and then me at the bottom. I know I sound like a spoiled brat. But I dont need much. Just feel like he doesnt care about me.
For example I have been very poorly recently ended up in a and e and still feeling very ill on the way home from A and E he grabbed my hand and made me touch his boner. I was like why have you got a boner now. He was just like "can you sort it out for me."
The kids were asleep in the back but could have woken up at any minute. I said no u felt awful and anyway the kids are in the back and it's not right to do hat when they are there.
He was all aww you could just Bob your head down or use your hand and be discreet.
Etc.
I was talking seriously the other day about going back to work to help with Bill's etc. Maybe doing a short course to get back into work. He wasnt really listening and then just said
Aye well you dont have to sell your body in the meantime.
I was like what? As if I would ever do that and I just feel like that's all he thinks I'm good for.
Asked him to watch the kids for an hour the other day because I was feeling so ill I thought I might pass out and he just complained about not being able to watch football.
The only time he hugs me or is nice to me is if he wants something.
Everything is a sexual innuendo and always dry humping me. I just feel like a piece of meat someti.es and just wish he would back off. Let me get better and be caring.
Am I being a brat or what?

Get used to it, he’s going to use it as the proverbial stick to beat you with, over and over and over and over. You CANT tell him anything else personal. Ever. He’s an abuser, he will manipulate you forevermore with any details of your soul you give him...you have to fight back... ask him how many days/years/months he’s going to keep bringing it up because you want to know. And it’s so bloody sad about your daughter :( how can you keep them in that environment😟

@KittyKattyKate I agreed with PP above. The sense of helplessness and hope OP is experiencing has been purposefully created by her husband. She is in the throes of trauma bonding. She's just coming out of the lovely honeymoon phase of her cycle. It's not a lack of intelligence. He's after pricing to her that he can be a decent human being. She's remembering the man she fell in love with as a teenager. To leave him is difficult. She's spent many years being corrected in what to think by him yet she's is still fighting hard to find her truth and leave him. This is difficult. Give her a break.....

Proving not pricing...

Kittykattykate I wonder why you would make that comment if you really wished me the best your comment doesnt hurt me if that's what you were trying I've heard it all before.
I emailed my local wa brach asking for the support worker to email me. Gave details of my area etc hopefully that's enough.

Thanks for all your messages I really appreciate them. Especially as it's a long process and you're all so lovely to help me.

Let's hope they get back to you soon OP. Hopefully you can get some real life support soon and we'll have you on track to safety.

Morning OP.

I hope today is the day you will get the strength to walk out with the clothes on your back and your children.

I guess you've read plenty here on other threads about how adult children wished their mother had defended them when younger. Don't let your kids become those future posters.

Wishing you all the strength in the world

I do stick up for them all the time. It causes tension and arguments but I still do it. I dont want to walk out because I want to be informed and I want to know what I can do to fight for my children because I know he will fight. So I'm getting prepared before I go. Or before he goes.

That's of I get the non molestation orderbhe would go. O dont know how everything works but hopefully I will soon.

That's certainly the way to go OP. You need to plan and prepare first. Let's see what the WA person says about the chances of a Non Mol. I'm hoping that with the fact he constantly sexually assaults you and that you have experienced rape and a recent 'joke' death threat with a large knife, that should be enough but wait and see.

I have no idea what's going on there at the moment so we'll hold tight until you can get advice.

What I do suggest though OP, is that you don't hold back and you tell them the truth. It makes this easier and she can better evaluate the risk and your options.

I'm totally confused. My brain is turning cartwheels. He had been so lovely whenever he had been around me today. He did spend most of the day in the garage but whenever he was around me he was really nice. He also gave me a high and said "cab I touch your bum" I was actually shocked. Dont think he has ever ever asked to touch any part of me before. Not that I really need him too.just want him to stop if I say stop. So i was thinking omg he has listened to me and is really trying.
Then later on he was trying to snog me and he kids were round and I just didnt feel comfy doing it. I tried to give him a peck and he kept going on and on. I said no and said about he kids but he just kept going on and saying come on quick. Com on. Come on and coming at me.
Made comments about size of my bum multiple times. For example bent down and said it was a full moon today pointedly looking st my bum. Later on he kept saying how big it looked when I bent over. Then after dinner I had some ice cream and he said something like "I wont be able to handle your ass after that. "
He also said to the kids "mummys ice cream is really expensive."
Well it's not...it was the same price as your ice cream you got and you got 2 tubs. I only got one and I'm sharing mine with the kids.
I know they are only little things and I feel like I am picking at every little thing and its horrible. But im just putting everything down just incase.
Oh also I was eating grapes and he asked for one. I said did he want to catch it in his mouth. I went to throw it. But he said "you're just wanting to choke me to death." So I just gave it him. Didnt really know if that was anything probably not.
Also when getting something from the fridge he turned me round and tried to kind of push me down a little bit and was humping me...so embarrassing writing this. Sorry. Just putting everything on here.
Ok that's everything from today. I guess he is just horny.

They are not little things they are all pretty awful to read as it happens

OP have you taken in any of what other posters are saying because you are still seeing them as minor things and apologising to us and in a way to him for being upset by them. Whereas actually they arent minor, today he has pushed you, acted inappropriately in front of your children (and would take no for an answer) and made you feel guilty about buying yourself ice cream (that he tried to control whether you bought it in the first place). And has thrown you a bone by asking (which he has never done before!) if he can touch you even though he knew that you wouldnt say no !

And on top of that he checked out all day in the garage.

I have taken this in but when I'm thinking of these things I just think things in my head like. Oh other women would love that. .I'm just a prude....I'm picking at little things. Etc
So I just get worried incase it's me. He didnt push me I meant he just tried to push me so I was bent over...it wasnt in a rough or hurtful way.

But I'm still putting these things on here and taking note of them.

He was all aww you could just Bob your head down or use your hand and be discreet

Vile. Why are you still him?

Been there and my god I know Hiw you feel

When v kind posters on here told me to run as quick as I could I waited
Hoped he would learn
He would get better

Then he tried to kill me and assaulted my daughter

Please read my DM
Please get out

Really police should be removing him

What can you do?

I think the OP (correct me if I'm wrong) is looking for validation that it's abuse. For someone who's never been abused, has been brought up in a healthy family with good boundaries, you are aware of bad behaviour. Unfortunately, when you've been brought up in an abusive family, you have no idea of healthy and unhealthy behaviour because abuse is all you've known. It's why so many Adult Children get into abusive relationships because that's their 'normal'.

The OP has only known her husband and has been with him from teenage years so that is her 'normal'. Now there are loads of people saying 'he's an abuser!' and she's checking in to see if behaviour she doesn't like is wrong and abusive.

I hope that makes sense and I hope you don't mind me talking for you OP and if this is not your experience, then please correct me. You've had enough people in your life telling you what to think and feel, I don't want to become part of that.

I'm just trying to clear up the confusion others have of why you seem to be minimising or unsure of whether or not something is abusive or wrong.

I'm concerned about him asking your permission OP as I'm wondering where that has come from. It's unusual for him to ask before he assaults you. However, the rest is typical of his sexually abusive behaviour. He has no right to dry hump you, grab your bum, make demeaning comments about you to the children (that's abusive to them as well) or act in an aggressively sexual way in front of them (that's also abuse). They are also learning that no doesn't mean no and women have no rights to their bodies.

I'm sorry you're having to put up with this, no one should. Please call the police should you believe he's going to go further or you're in danger. In the meantime we can only wait for WA and start getting a plan underway to remove you and the children safely from the situation. You need to log the behaviour as well, which you are doing.

We have also discussed a safety plan should you need to flee. Keep your car keys and phone with you. Phone on charge. Money on hand and your route planned. Get away and dial 999. Manoeuvre arguments away from the kitchen and don't go to the bathroom. Keep yourself and the children somewhere where there is an escape route.

Yeah I guess that could be right kbm. I mean i feel like i know how to act as a human being. But when someone is doing something to me it's different. I feel like also I could be leading him on because I'm still hugging him and giving him a peck now and again. so I feel like I'm leading him on and then he thinks he can act like this. I'm just trying to keep him happy tbh and keep the peace. Can it really be called assault when it's his wife I'm sure lots of husbands act that way.

All of the things you describe are abuse. No decent husband touches his wife sexually around the children, or indeed grabs a wife's privates. No woman on earth likes to be grabbed at when she has already told him not to.
Please stop doubting yourself. You are not over reacting. The groping is horrendous.
Then you have admitted yourself that he has raped you in the past. You cannot continue to have a relationship with a rapist. What would you advise a friend who told you thag someone had raped them once nevermind many times?
Then there is the way that he is damaging your children with his bullying. You stand up for them but it doesn't stop so it will be damaging them. Your daughter will remember how worthless her dad is making her feel by demanding she apologise when she's done nothing wrong.
It must be very hard, but you are wasting energy trying to decide if he is abusive.
He is!
Now spend that energy planning to leave.

Can it really be called assault when it's his wife

Yes. It is illegal.

I'm sure lots of husbands act that way

There are a fair few men who rape or sexually assault and in other ways abuse their wives. Just because there are more than one of them, doesn't make it right.

Most men manage to avoid doing it.

You're not a prude- very few women would be happy with rape, sexual assault and abuse, or even with having a guy that's this 'full on.' You've told him you don't like it- once you've said that, it goes beyond crossing the line to carry on. And you're allowed to have whichever likes and dislikes you please- there's no right or wrong when it comes to matters of taste (and yours are normal anyway btw, most women would hate this and never see him again if he did it.)

@Chickencuddle... you are NOT leading him on!! You are desperately trying to appease him, to stop him from further abusing you and hurting your children.

And he is not just horny. He is using his crude sexual advances to intimidate you, to keep you on edge, to satisfy his need to manipulate and coerce you.

Please, PLEASE stop questioning yourself and trying to determine whether he is abusive. Countless posters have told you that he is. Several have stated that yours is the most disturbing and/or heartbreaking thread they've ever read. Please believe us: he is horribly abusive, more so, in fact, that many men who physically abuse their wives. Why do we feel this way? Because on top of the actual and very real abuse (including rape!) he is messing with you head, distorting your ability to think rationally and destroying your ability to recognise what is actually going on in your life.

And he is robbing your precious children of the childhood they deserve. They can feel what is going on. They know it isn't right. They are afraid. They have started to appease him just like you do. They have nightmares. Need I go on?

Can you now start putting your energy to constructive use? To start preparing to leave him? Really, really do it...

OP if it’s safe to do so, keep recording it all on here. If it makes you uncomfortable then it’s worth keeping a note of. I’m guessing that your thoughts of “other women would be grateful” have been drilled into you by him. You are gradually coming to realise that if you don’t like it then it’s not ok. It doesn’t matter what other women like. (But just so you know, most others wouldn’t like it either.)

Do whatever you have to, to stay safe.

As above OP. It is most definitely sexual assault. Marriage doesn't give a person rights over your body. Nobody ever has that right

You are doing so well, keep posting on this thread

No, lots of husbands don't act this way. They don't sexually assault their wives, phone them a dozen times a day, ask for oral sex in a car with their children in the back on the way home from hospital. It's all pretty awful, abusive behaviour.

Hang in there OP. Remember there's a 24 hour DV helpline should you need advice between now and hearing back from WA. Re read the options that have been posted and the info I gave you on Domestic Abuse in NI and the legal options available.

Have a look at the Non Mol/Occupation guidelines up thread so you know what info you need for the forms and can have a think about your statements. I know this is nerve wracking but you're being so brave.

Just take it one step at a time.

Here's a list of refuges in Northern Ireland with phone numbers. It tells you which ones take children. It's handy info to have just in case.