Feel like husband doesn't care

[Chickencuddle]

Feel like his priorities are football and sex and then the kids and everything else and then me at the bottom. I know I sound like a spoiled brat. But I dont need much. Just feel like he doesnt care about me.
For example I have been very poorly recently ended up in a and e and still feeling very ill on the way home from A and E he grabbed my hand and made me touch his boner. I was like why have you got a boner now. He was just like "can you sort it out for me."
The kids were asleep in the back but could have woken up at any minute. I said no u felt awful and anyway the kids are in the back and it's not right to do hat when they are there.
He was all aww you could just Bob your head down or use your hand and be discreet.
Etc.
I was talking seriously the other day about going back to work to help with Bill's etc. Maybe doing a short course to get back into work. He wasnt really listening and then just said
Aye well you dont have to sell your body in the meantime.
I was like what? As if I would ever do that and I just feel like that's all he thinks I'm good for.
Asked him to watch the kids for an hour the other day because I was feeling so ill I thought I might pass out and he just complained about not being able to watch football.
The only time he hugs me or is nice to me is if he wants something.
Everything is a sexual innuendo and always dry humping me. I just feel like a piece of meat someti.es and just wish he would back off. Let me get better and be caring.
Am I being a brat or what?

These are Bancroft's Steps to Change. He says it is very difficult for men to do this level of work on themselves.

Do you think he is ready and able to do all these steps?

1. Admit fully to his history of psychological, sexual, and physical abusiveness toward any current or past partners whom he has abused. Denial and minimizing need to stop, including discrediting your memory of what happened. He can’t change if he is continuing to cover up, to others or to himself, important parts of what he has done.

1. Acknowledge that the abuse was wrong, unconditionally. He needs to identify the justifications he has tended to use, including the various ways that he may have blamed you, and to talk in detail about why his behaviors were unacceptable without slipping back into defending them.

1. Acknowledge that his behavior was a choice, not a loss of control. For example, he needs to recognize that there is a moment during each incident at which he gives himself permission to become abusive and that he chooses how far to let himself go.

1. Recognize the effects his abuse has had on you and on your children, and show empathy for those. He needs to talk in detail about the short- and long-term impact that his abuse has had, including fear, loss of trust, anger, and loss of freedom and other rights. And he needs to do this without reverting to feeling sorry for himself or talking about how hard the experience has been for him.

1. Identify in detail his pattern of controlling behaviors and entitled attitudes. He needs to speak in detail about the day-to-day tactics of abuse he has used. Equally important, he must be able to identify his underlying beliefs and values that have driven those behaviors, such as considering himself entitled to constant attention, looking down on you as inferior, or believing that men aren’t responsible for their actions if “provoked” by a partner.

1. Develop respectful behaviors and attitudes to rereplace the abusive ones he is stopping. You can look for examples such as improving how well he listens to you during conflicts and at other times, carrying his weight of household responsibilities and child care, and supporting your independence. He has to demonstrate that he has come to accept the fact that you have rights and that they are equal to his

1. Reevaluate his distorted image of you, replacing it with a more positive and empathic view. He has to recognize that he has had mental habits of focusing on and exaggerating his grievances against you and his perceptions of your weaknesses and to begin instead to compliment you and pay attention to your strengths and abilities.

1. Make amends for the damage he has done. He has to develop a sense that he has a debt to you and to your children as a result of his abusiveness. He can start to make up somewhat for his actions by being consistently kind and supportive, putting his own needs on the back burner for a couple of years, talking with people whom he has misled in regard to the abuse and admitting to them that he lied, paying for objects that he has damaged, and many other steps related to cleaning up the emotional and literal messes that his behaviors have caused. (At the same time, he needs to accept that he may never be able to fully compensate you.)

1. Accept the consequences of his actions. He should stop whining about, or blaming you for, problems that are the result of his abuse, such as your loss of desire to be sexual with him, the children’s tendency to prefer you, or the fact that he is on probation.

10. Commit to not repeating his abusive behaviors and honor that commitment. He should not place any conditions on his improvement, such as saying that he won’t call you names as long as you don’t raise your voice to him. If he does backslide, he cannot justify his abusive behaviors by saying, “But I’ve done great for five months; you can’t expect me to be perfect,” as if a good period earned him chips to spend on occasional abuse.

11. Accept the need to give up his privileges and do so. This means saying good-bye to double standards, to flirting with other women, to taking off with his friends all weekend while you look after the children, and to being allowed to express anger while you are not.

12. Accept that overcoming abusiveness is likely to be a lifelong process. He at no time can claim that his work is done by saying to you, “I’ve changed but you haven’t,” or complain that he is sick of hearing about his abuse and control and that “it’s time to get past all that.” He needs to come to terms with the fact that he will probably need to be working on his issues for good and that you may feel the effects of what he has done for many years.

13. Be willing to be accountable for his actions, both past and future. His attitude that he is above reproach has to be replaced by a willingness to accept feedback and criticism, to be honest about any backsliding, and to be answerable for what he does and how it affects you and your children.

He's joked that he loves you to death while holding a knife and you don't think he'd kill you?

I'm extremely concerned he used your phone- could he have found this thread?

You can't fix him. He won't change. And a conversation about him stopping doing some of the stuff will not work. He's still sexually abusing you anyway so I can't understand why you say he stopped stuff after talking to him.

For you and your kids, you need to leave.

I'm realising little things but apart from forcing me to have sex I feel the rest are very mild.
Surely you realise that him not raping you is a very low bar. And the little things aren't little: groping you at every opportunity, filthy innuendo, constant demands for sex, telling you his friends' wives are always up for it, never leaving you alone...

I am doing what's best for my children by making sure...
As been said so many times, you staying with this horrible, abusing, dangerous man is NOT in the best interest of your children. How can it be? Of all the horrible instances you've described, one sticks in my mind: when he forced your tiny daughter to brush her teeth even though she was desperate to pee. This kind of thing is torture. It's the kind of thing that will teach your little girl to grow up to be fearful and constantly on edge - and accepting of abuse - LIKE YOU. Is that what you want? I'm going to be brutally frank by spelling it out: YOU are damaging your children by staying with him.

maybe it's just me all along. Taking things wrong and being too sensitive
It isn't you, you are NOT too sensitive. Indeed, you are accepting of abuse to an extent that is utterly frightening. Please, if you still need reassurance, at least read a book or 2 (especially Lundy Bancroft), and do the Freedom Programme. We understand that years of abuse, coupled with your upbringing, have conditioned you to accept what no woman who us used to healthy relationships would accept. Please believe the wise women of Mumsnet, please do.

leaving is a big deal and I want to make sure it's the right decision and make sure I'm informed
What more information do you need to be able to decide? Why, after all he has done and is continuing to do to you and your children are you still doubtful that leaving is the right decision? Even your description of him being nice makes my skin crawl!

Given your lack of support, leaving is of course a big deal. But are you really planning to stay and continue to put up with this horrible cycle of abuse, deal with your children's distress and nightmares, forever fending of him coercing you to have sex, constantly walking on eggshells while wondering when he is going to lose his rag next... This is no way to live and your children do not deserve this.

We all have just one life and it is precious. @Chickencuddle... can you step up and act, so that you can make your life and the lives of your children deserving of this gift you've been given. Be brave, and a better future awaits you.

I really appreciate your comments. Thank you. They are really helping me honestly even if I seem defensive or stupid or ridiculous.
As I've said but people may have missed it...I'm not planning to stay I'm acting as if I'm going to leave and I am looking at options. I am emailing the support worker today to ask for advice I got him to get the passports from the loft even though it was an absolute ball ache and photographed them and sent them to a friend just incase.
I want to be informed on all options before I decide what to do.
In the meantime I am expressing my feelings here and that is just what I'm feeling...maybe he will make changes as he has before. Maybe it's me. Hes being so nice and calm now. Kids are loving him and hes being great atm.
I guess I just have to remember he hasnt been in the last but just something inside me says maybe that's your fault and it's very hard to change how you think overnight. I cab hear what you are saying but I can still hear the voice in my head

The 2 women a week who are murdered by their partners in the U.K. never thought he’d kill them either.

Please don’t become the next statistic.

OP I don't see someone ridiculous or defensive or stupid. I see someone who has low self esteem and confidence, is frightened and confused and has been bullied and abused all her life.

It's just that when you say that you want to try counselling with him or that he's being nice now and you're having seconds thoughts, it sounds as though you want to stay.

Please be so careful that he doesn't find out you want to leave. You have no idea of what he's capable of and are most vulnerable to serious harm or death when leaving and after leaving. Abusers feel as though they have nothing to lose, they are enraged that their possession has escaped and have been known to wipe out their families.

There was a recent murder in the UK just last week; a whole family, two beautiful little girls, their mother and father were shot. I have no doubt he killed them all then turned the gun on himself. Do you think she thought he was capable of it?

Sometimes I do feel like I want to stay especially when I'm with him all the time and he is so convincing and I think aww we could have a lovely life kids have their mum and dad and a lovely house etc. But I go back and forth and i am looking at options to leave and think I know that's probably what's going to happen. But I am getting prepared.

Getting the passports, squirrelling away money, contacting WA etc is all brilliant stuff. It's natural to have doubts. You've been with him since you were teenagers and haven't known anything else and it's heartbreaking to think of breaking up a family as well as not knowing what's going to happen financially. I know it's hard.

People are very concerned and are driving you forward, trying to help you and to give you information and advice. You've also really grown in confidence since the thread started OP, I don't know if you realise but you have. I think you're seeing way forward and it's helping you to focus.

OP you're doing really well getting things in order.
It's really not normal to have difficulty getting hold of the passports.

As for the rest of your list, it's all abusive, even the being exceptionally nice to make you doubt yourself.

I get the impression he enjoys playing and mentally torturing you, like a cat does with a mouse.

Also it really doesn't matter if you don't have any hard evidence (bruises etc) before you leave him. A wife has the right to leave her husband anytime for any reason and you already have plenty of reasons.

When I first read your thread OP I did agree that you needed to wait this out and make provisions for housing etc but this thread has gotten worst and worst, it's so hard for you to see what we see as you are living this and cannot see the woods for the trees, but most of the women that have commented have lived through the abuse and can advise you. At the minute you sound like you have Stockholm Syndrome and this life is all you have ever known.
The fact that you feel dread when he comes home speaks volume. I'm so scared for you right now OP, your thread has really affected me and I cannot stop thinking about you and your children. I wished I lived near you so I could help you in real life.

So I'm an idiot. I deleted emails just incase because of the food shop and I thought he might want to see emails. He didnt but anyway I've deleted the womens aid lady and now I dont have her email address or phone number. I'll have to phone womens aid again at some point but no idea when.
It's hard when I dont have a get out like I'd like to know all the information and start planning but just feel a bit stuck. I'm sad because we had love and still do and we have a connection. But i can see what he has done and i guess nothing can change that and like people have said i need to do something for the kids. Even if they still end up seeing him at least I will have done everything I can.

Did you actually empty the trash folder?
If not, it'll still be there

Yes I emptied deleted items too. Just incase. Shot myself in the foot.

Do you remember what her name was/how the email address started? If you're on hotmail/generic email you can try searching in the top search box and sometimes even deleted past email addresses come up.

If you can remember any part of her email, go into new email and start typing it and it may well come up. My email automatically saves everyone as a contact even if I delete the message

Yes that's normally what it does with my email too but it's not doing it for her name. I'm an idiot. But my head is just away atm.

He got angry at our dd today because she didnt est her beans. But she diesjt like beans. It doesnt worry me as shes a good eater she eats her fruit and veg but she doesnt like beans.she tried eating a bit but said she couldn't. Not a big deal for me really as she normally does well with food. But he went on and on about the children starving in Africa and should he take a picture of her and send it to them they would die for it etc.
Went on for ages. She started crying saying she dodnt like him talking about her and him and ds were both talking about her and she didnt like it. I kept saying "ok let's just drop it now. Everyone's point has been made" but then he kept going on saying it was her not him and she now owed him an apology. She was saying she hadn't done anything. He kept repeating the same thing over and over "what do you say what do you say." But she didnt know why. I asked what she was apologising for and he said for crying because it was ridiculous and she had no need to cry.
I just feel hes harsh and while he wadnt shouting or screaming he went on and on and made her feel bad on purpose. When imo she didnt do anything wrong really most kids leave a bit of food now and again.
Atmosphere has been tense today and I dont know why. I think I feel guilty and I think hes upset as hes made a few remarks about things and obviously he is still upset it's still fresh in his mind. He said something like "I never thought you would be the type of person to do that. I always thought you would cheat on me (he used to accuse me all the time) but then I would think you're a good person and cant do that..but you did. ." I was so close to saying "I never thought you would rape me either. " but I didnt .

How sad is this.
This must be totally exhausting for you.
I hope tomorrow is a better day

Thank you. I just feel kind of numb when hes about atm. I stare into space alot and go quiet I dont know why I do this. I think lockdown is partly to blame too.
Also if I've told him I'm upset too and I feel guilty all the time but if I'm acting happy it's just for the kids. But whenever I am having fun with the kids he will make little comments or bring up things and then I feel like I have to be serious and I go quiet I dont really know why. Sometimes I think he just hates seeing me happy. Probably understandable atm.

@SittingAround1 was right I get the impression he enjoys playing and mentally torturing you, like a cat does with a mouse.

It sounds like you're depressed. He's moved already into the tension building phrase. Although, now he seems to be starting to work on your DD. He shouldn't be setting your children up in competition with each other. He shouldn't be interrupting every time you're enjoying being with them.
I think you're starting to see how he doesn't theses things on purpose. He was nice for 1-2 days but is now backing pushing your boundaries.
Plus, see how he's using your admission of the cheating as a stick to beat you? Prat! Your desire to snap back at him was probably you realising his hypocritical double standards. It's lovely to watch you start to move away from under his control!!!

Does these things on purpose

Christ OP, your poor children.

Bullied, tormented and harassed.

Whatva nightmare they are living through.

It must be so difficult to watch them being tormented relentlessly by him.

I so hope you can get yourself away from him.

Both you, and they, deserve peace.

It sounds like you are dissociating. What you're going through is trauma and there is only so much the mind can cope with, so we dissociate to protect ourselves.

Here are those emails I posted earlier:

[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]

That's all the WA branches in Northern Ireland. The first one is the 24 hour Helpline, the second is the general WA office and the others are the different branches. Just find the one for your area, if you can't find it then contact the DV helpline and ask again. You can also fill out a form on their website and speak to them that way.

Well done for taking the precautions to delete though, that's very sensible considering he's been at your phone. You're not stupid, you're doing the best you can under very difficult circumstances by yourself.

You can also chat to someone at WA on the UK website here. Monday to Friday 10:00am - 12:00pm

You're doing really well, just keep going.

Here are some things to ask WA if you're not sure what to say:

• What are my options for getting out of the situation?
• How long will that take?
• How do I keep myself safe?
• What should I do in an emergency?
• Will an Occupation Order/Non Molestation Order take long and what do I do in the meantime?

If they ask you to describe the abuse:

I have been experiencing sexual assault, coercive control, financial and emotional abuse and constant criticism and bullying throughout the relationship. The atmosphere in the house is intimidating and aggressive and we're all walking on egg shells.

That very strong connection you feel to him isn't love OP. It's probably due to the fact that love is associated with abuse to you because of your childhood. The people meant to love and protect you, abused you. It's the way your brain is wired, so he felt very familiar to you and like love and family. It's strengthened because of trauma bonding and because that's how you know how to keep yourself safe. They are all learned defence mechanisms from childhood.

Him giving you a 'look' to get you to shut up is just control. Sorry, that's just garden variety control for you. He's dominating you, the way an alpha dog puts its paw on the head of a beta dog to show it who's boss.

If you watch a survivor of abuse with her abuser, they don't need words to communicate. She knows that a certain look or movement indicates that she's done something wrong. He doesn't need to speak to control her. He doesn't need to hit her either.

Physical aggression isn't always part of abuse because he often doesn't need to hit her to keep her in her place. People mistake abuse for being out of control but it isn't, it's very calculated. It's why women who've been in abusive relationships for years but don't know because it's so insidious, are surprised when he hits them. He's actually been dominating and controlling them all along and just never needed to raise a hand to do it.

@KittyKattyKate... Your comment was unnecessary and below the belt. The OP is not stupid - merely beaten down by years of abuse.