Feel like husband doesn't care

[Chickencuddle]

Feel like his priorities are football and sex and then the kids and everything else and then me at the bottom. I know I sound like a spoiled brat. But I dont need much. Just feel like he doesnt care about me.
For example I have been very poorly recently ended up in a and e and still feeling very ill on the way home from A and E he grabbed my hand and made me touch his boner. I was like why have you got a boner now. He was just like "can you sort it out for me."
The kids were asleep in the back but could have woken up at any minute. I said no u felt awful and anyway the kids are in the back and it's not right to do hat when they are there.
He was all aww you could just Bob your head down or use your hand and be discreet.
Etc.
I was talking seriously the other day about going back to work to help with Bill's etc. Maybe doing a short course to get back into work. He wasnt really listening and then just said
Aye well you dont have to sell your body in the meantime.
I was like what? As if I would ever do that and I just feel like that's all he thinks I'm good for.
Asked him to watch the kids for an hour the other day because I was feeling so ill I thought I might pass out and he just complained about not being able to watch football.
The only time he hugs me or is nice to me is if he wants something.
Everything is a sexual innuendo and always dry humping me. I just feel like a piece of meat someti.es and just wish he would back off. Let me get better and be caring.
Am I being a brat or what?

Absolutely heartbreaking to read.
Heartbreaking.
Married nearly 30 years and not ever even the tiniest hint of a single one of your points.

No one is even the slightest bit cross with you OP.

We just want you safe.

Safe.

No more, no less.

Safe.

I mean I'm gathering things I may need. Managed to get photos of passports and ordered medication I may need. I know it's not much but it's things i feel i can do right now.
The thing is it's hard because I know him. I know he is really caring for other people. And I know he is insecure and damaged himself and that he wants to try and be better.
I know he wouldn't kill me. I know it was a joke. .a wierd one. But it was and he didnt say he would kill me either. It was I love you to death. With a knife but then he laughed he was joking.

Blimey, if that list isn't enough to convince you that your are doing the right thing then you need a lot of support.
You are still questioning it.
He screams at the kids and he rapes you. Read your list over and over and over and over until it sinks in. What if your child in the future came to you with that list about their partner? Would you wonder if they were doing the right thing by staying?? Honestly??
Be honest with yourself. Take this fantasy he is not that bad away.
Keep reading. Keep reaching out

You don't know he wouldn't kill you. You don't know that.
You don't know what he is capable of. You are making excuses for him again.

I bet there was a time when you thought he would never rape you too, and yet he did.

It doesn't matter that he is 'damaged ' or 'insecure '.it doesn't matter. You are not there to fix him and be raped in the process
What matters is you. You and your children. You are not responsible for him or his actions

I'm realising little things but apart from forcing me to have sex I feel the rest are very mild.
He just came upstairs before I'm in bed with toddler and dd. She is having nightmares so staying in bed with me tonight.
He said he wanted to see ky phone and I asked why he said he wanted to amend the food shop. He spent ages doing it and only added like 2 things. Then told me the food shop was too expensive and I needed to cut it down. He went downstairs but when I looked everything I had ordered was essentials for everyone. Fruit. Veg. Bread. Tinned tomatoes. Veg stock etc just normal things. He had ordered lots of unnecessary things treats for himself and alot of expensive stuff. So I decided instead of taking off some more expensive things like I normally do I may take off some rasberries or something. This time I ordered some ice cream and a chicken for me and kids (he had ordered himself some meals) feel liberated but also thinking why didbt I do that all the other times. Is it my fault for just taking it. Just obeying all the time.

Also he could have used his own phone if he wanted to add something to sainsburys shop as he knows log in so was a bit wierd he came upstairs to use my phone. I said to him he could use his but he just ignored me.

But that is just it. They are not mild they are awful truly awful.

Look at your example. He ordered stuff for himself and told you to cut back for you and the kids and yuo still think it is your fault for oeying all the time

The saddest part is that I dont think you have any idea what a normal relationship looks like.

Actually that isnt the saddest part that is that you are modelling this to your children so they will have no idea what a normal partnership looks like. At the moment you are still making excuses for him and putting his needs first. Please put your kids first and get them the hell out

He just came up and asked about the shop I said about the ice cream and he was fine. So maybe it's just me all along. Taking things wrong and being too sensitive
Quartz I appreciate it's frustrating for you looking from the outside in.
I have no family. Money. Job anything so leaving is a big deal and I want to make sure it's the right decision and make sure I'm informed. I'm not saying I wont I'm looking into things but in the meantime I'm using this space to get everything in my head out. I'm sorry that it's frustrating for you. But it's kind of a mind fuck for ke right now. I am doing what's best for my children by making sure.also scared about leaving and him having access to kids without me tbh

Its not frustrating its scary because there are two massively awful endgames for this that arent pleasant. One involves him badly hurting you or the children and the other involves your children saying something that he has repeated at school and a serious safeguarding investigation starting. or a mixture of both.

What I am frustrated at for you is the lack of help that is forcing you to stay and that is so very very sad because you should be able to access far more than you are. In an ideal world the police would be but I can see and completely get why you think that wouldnt help.

Your lack of self esteem is heartbreaking to read

He may have put something on your phone OP in order to find out what you're writing about him. If you have iPhones you may be synced via the Cloud. He could have installed an app that showed him everything you were typing in real time on his computer.

You can order a cheap mobile phone and new sim card for speaking to DV organisations.

You can also reset your phone to factory settings which should wipe any downloaded spyware. You can get a budget smartphone for around £30.

If he asks you why you're buying one say that your phone has been lagging and very slow (typical if there's spyware on it) and the battery has been running out quickly and that you want a cheap backup just in case.

Also be careful of your 'location' settings which show him exactly where you are at all times. If you do have to flee, then he'll be able to track you. The children can also be tracked via their tech.

You are still questioning if leaving is the right decision. You are saying you are doing best for your children by making sure it is the the right decision.
You are not doing right by your children by staying. You must surely see that somehow. They will grow.
They will not stay young children. If you have boys they will learn this is how you treat women. If they are girls they will learn this how you are treated by men.
They will be experiencing abuse which will effect their whole lives. Right now. They live in the same house. They will be experiencing this. Every
Single. Day.
Of course leaving is the right decision.

But like I said last time we had a conversation like this he stopped doing what I told him was wrong. Forcing me to have sex. So maybe this time we have had another conversation. The rest will stop?
If I leave he will see the kids without me so that's even worse.
I wish I could flick a switch I wish I had a mother to call to talk to to advise me. I wish I could see clearly and know what to do. I'll stop posting until I know. Thanks for all your help.

In wondering if we can get help from womens aid freedom project etc and he can get counselling too

Jesus Christ OP, you have to protect your babies! Bellowing at them over the smallest things and scaring the shit out of them? On top of everything else? All of this shit is less than A WEEK OLD except for the outright rape, day in and day out, now it’s JUST grabbing your private parts and constant expectations and harassment. Can I ask you something, would you EVER do to him what he does to you? Ever? Honestly...If you were 2 feet taller and 3-4 stone heavier, would you do to him what he does to you? Would you say to him What he says to you? Would you force him to have sex with you? Would you grab his cock as he walked by? Would you grab him and force him to give you oral sex? Would you constantly do things to him you knew he didn’t like in bed? Would you force him to do things you knew he didn’t like? If you could would you? Would you call him a slut? Would you threaten him in any way? Grab a knife and make a joke about killing him? Scream at him at ANY time? Really, Really imagine if you had his body, And his force , would you intimate him in the kitchen? Walk in front of him everywhere he went just to intimidate him? Would you scream at the children, YOUR babies? Would you make him walk on eggshells every single day? Would you drag him into bed when you knew he was poorly, and you just picked him up from A&E and drive him home would you expect him to suck you off? WOULD YOU? If you wouldn’t, why do you accept him doing it TO YOU? It’s time to wake up. I bet you can’t even imagine doing to him what he does to you but you let him destroy your self worth and your family because he’s “ being nice”he will destroy you.

Does he tell you you are frustrating because you have said that a few times and I dont think anyone here has said that?

You need to find your rage, not try to sort counselling for him

OP you're not taking on board what people are saying to you here. The Freedom Programme is for women in your situation.Women who have perhaps, never experienced anything other than abuse in their lives so it's normal for them. It teaches the survivor the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships and red flags to look out for. It's a life saver. Women's Aid/Pat Craven deserve an OBE for the help and support this programme has provided.

Your relationship is way beyond counselling. He's a rapist and deserves to be in jail.I hope he's jailed for the rest of his life so he can't harm another human being. He's a low life OP.

You have a disconnect between what's going on in your head and what's happening in reality and in the meantime your children are being affected by this; they're having nightmares. They will continue the cycle because they simply won't know any different, just like you. Do you want that for them? The loving thing to do is remove them from the situation, not keep them in it. I wouldn't want my children near a rapist and I wouldn't want them to witness sexual assault and abuse.

The only way through this is out the other side. You can't have counselling with him. Abusers tend to manipulate couple's counselling, they charm the therapist and turn the therapy against their victim. If they have individual therapy they use that against the victim as well, getting her to run around in circles chasing their own tails because the therapist said so. It's all lies.

Someone who loves and cares about you doesn't rape you. It shouldn't be considered a sign of a loving man that he stops raping you when you ask. He shouldn't be raping you in the first place, I can't believe you need that spelling out. How would you feel if your daughter was being regularly raped? What would you advise her to do? Would you tell her that he's a great man, a great father and she's lucky to have him?

You don't know he will see the kids without you. Has he told you that? Abusers use that against women to scare them
Seek advice.
Everything you have written is text book. Women on here recognise that. Womens aid will recognise that. It's like abusers have a handbook or something of what to say to control you. A lot of posters on here would have heard exactly the same thing. I hear you are scared and wish you had a mother to call. If you did, what would she say? Would she help you? Would a loving mother help you? It is frightening to leave. To walk into the unknown.
But you are a mother now. You are the voice for your children. There are people out there who can protect you.
You know deep down it won't stop. You phrased it as a question because you know it won't. The rape will start again.
Keep reading you list. Keep adding to it. Read and ask yourself if this what you want for the rest of your life. Before he could kill you that is.
And your children's lives.

How He Gets Inside Her Mind, by Dan Hennessey

The skilled offender will also adopt the position that says that the incidences of bad behaviour are trivial and unlikely to reoccur. This creates a huge dilemma for the target woman as she initially feels that the impact of these behaviours is huge and that she knows that they will continue to happen. It is well documented that a common tactic of control is to minimise the behaviour. What is not readily recognised is that the woman becomes as good as her abuser at minimising the behaviour. When she first begins to reveal the reality of her relationship she will use the same minimalist language that all skilled offenders use. Words like pushing are used to describe actions such as being thrown on the floor or the bed. The target woman will tell us that she was held or restrained when what actually happened is that she was bruised or choked. She will use the word slapped to describe any blow by his hand whether it be the forceful use of his open palm or closed fist. This is the minimalist language of the abuser who will use the exact same words as the woman to describe the same event. The process of developing the language that the target woman uses when she eventually comes to talk to us is also facilitated by the skilled offender’s ability to get the woman to question her memory of what actually happened. When she is courageous enough to want to address some bad behaviour she will find that her description of events is challenged. She will be forcefully told that her memmemory is faulty and that her abuser has a better recall of the events. She will be reminded of things she may have said or done which are slightly different from the reality that she recalls. She begins to question her own ability to remember and becomes more convinced that her abuser is right. This fear that she is losing her memory can often be expanded by reference to any woman in her extended family who suffered from Alzheimer’s or some form of mental disorder. The fear of losing her own mind expands as she buys into his thinking and begins to believe that he is right.

Grooming (Sinister Tactics)
The skilled offender will want to be feared For most of us fear is a sense that we cannot control the outcome of some happening. Even if we get anxious we can at times reassure ourselves that we can cope with the consequences of some action. We can soothe ourselves by knowing that the happening is trivial or that the event is temporary and unlikely to be repeated. We can calm ourselves by reasoning that we are to blame and that we can modify our behaviour so as to avoid becoming more afraid. The tactics and language of the skilled abuser are designed to implant fear while developing beliefs that the target woman can cope. He will also minimise the event and its effects. He will express sorrow and a commitment to avoid a repetition of the event, but he will qualify the commitment by pleading that he does not know what the fuss is about. So he will expand her fear even though he will claim he has said sorry. He will relocate the blame to the woman and challenge her to improve her performance if she is to have a better relationship. The outcome of all these tactics is that the fear that the woman carries in her heart is being expanded while the skilled offender is outwardly appearing to help her to get rid of it. Most evil people hide their intentions under the guise of love (Peck, 1990). In his well-known exploration of evil, Scott Peck contends that the people who are truly evil are not the criminals who are condemned to prison but the clever people who are seldom exposed.

Trauma Bonding

Jacobson and Gottman (1998) claim that there is a very strong bond created when violence is paired with love. Most of us find that we do not understand this bond very well. Our understanding is limited partly because we are not sure how a skilled offender can appear to do both. His ability to do both is founded on his skill in presenting himself as caring while intimidating his partner in a way which she cannot identify. We can have huge difficulty in believing that any woman could love a man who would treat her in a threatening and abusive manner. We legitimately ask what is wrong with her. We can say that we would not put up with that kind of behaviour from our partner. I have heard women say that if they were in that kind of relationship they would leave. Sadly this line of thinking is of little value. What might be of greater help would be if we could uncover the skill and the process used by the offender. If we can identify how it is that a man can appear to love someone while secretly intimidating and terrorising them, perhaps we could devise an early warning system which could inform target women of the danger they are in. This combination of fear and love is a devastating cocktail which is fed to the target woman and is the hidden weapon of mass destruction that invades her spirit. While I am sure we have much to learn about the covert tactics that the skilled offender uses, I will mention a few that have been revealed to me. Many of my clients arrive at my office in a state of confusion and uncertainty. The client will tell me that she has tried every way she knows to make sense of her relationship. When something happens between the client and her abuser and she wishes to discuss it later she is told that there is no need to talk about what happened as he has already recovered from the event. This leaves her feeling that she should be more like him and not to make a fuss about something trivial which has no long-term effect. She can even come to admire his calmness and his ability to move on. She will begin to measure herself against his skill in this area and challenge herself to become more like him and learn to live with her own sensitivities. This challenge to move on and forget is introduced very early in the relationship and expanded as the relationship deepens.

The PP who said this is sadly true. R know you are in a state of cognitive dissonance. He had used his tactics to create this state in you as it serves his purposes.
I've put done information here so you can see that the authors who have counseled abusive men are well are of their tactics and how they use them to manipulate, charm and intimidate their victims.
The authors are well aware that the abusers will have minimised and controlled their victims to the extent my that the victims don't realise they are in an abusive relationship. They think they need to explain it better to their abusers so they 'get it' or that they are 'being sensitive' and aren't 'she to take a joke'.
Even the fact you are vulnerable because you lack family would have made you attractive as a potential patient for this man as it made our waist to control you.
I'm sure it makes you sad to start seeing how he managed to get you into this state of nervousness. However, we all hope you continue to see things for how they truly are over the next few days and manage to make a stand for yourself and your children.

For the question of getting him curling. No. They tend not to change. Both authors take this stance.

Sadly, abusers have managed to have us document their overt behaviours in the belief that they can fool us into accepting that the behaviours are reasonable or understandable or unintentional. They also know that any discussion on their behaviours will minimise the possibility of their real intentions being revealed. It suits the skilled offenders to hide their real intentions from the target woman. They use exactly the same tactics to hide their intentions from us. They even have some of us debating that their intentions are not the cause of their actions. This is to denigrate these men into second-class people who happen to be abusers by accident. All skilled offenders who can develop and maintain control over another person have already established an instinctive ability to control themselves.

The men who attended our treatment programmes freely admitted that they were always in control.

When we explore the efficiency and the singularity by which these men seduce and control another adult we should be very impressed by their skill. When we analyse the extraordinary accuracy of their tactics in accessing the mind and spirit of their targets we should recognise their well-honed talents