Feel like husband doesn't care

[Chickencuddle]

Feel like his priorities are football and sex and then the kids and everything else and then me at the bottom. I know I sound like a spoiled brat. But I dont need much. Just feel like he doesnt care about me.
For example I have been very poorly recently ended up in a and e and still feeling very ill on the way home from A and E he grabbed my hand and made me touch his boner. I was like why have you got a boner now. He was just like "can you sort it out for me."
The kids were asleep in the back but could have woken up at any minute. I said no u felt awful and anyway the kids are in the back and it's not right to do hat when they are there.
He was all aww you could just Bob your head down or use your hand and be discreet.
Etc.
I was talking seriously the other day about going back to work to help with Bill's etc. Maybe doing a short course to get back into work. He wasnt really listening and then just said
Aye well you dont have to sell your body in the meantime.
I was like what? As if I would ever do that and I just feel like that's all he thinks I'm good for.
Asked him to watch the kids for an hour the other day because I was feeling so ill I thought I might pass out and he just complained about not being able to watch football.
The only time he hugs me or is nice to me is if he wants something.
Everything is a sexual innuendo and always dry humping me. I just feel like a piece of meat someti.es and just wish he would back off. Let me get better and be caring.
Am I being a brat or what?

I feel awful because I feel like you have all wasted your time. And I'm really sorry.
So alot has happened in a few days. He brought up about something that happened a long time ago that he suspected that I cheated on him. This was before marriage and kids and very young but no excuse at all. It is the worst thing I have ever done and i have regretted it ever since. I am a shitty horrible person.
I told him yes I did and obviously we went through it all. So that's where I'm at at the moment. He has been incredibly calm and nice about it. (Apart from saying I'm easy and a slut a fair few times) but hes being amazing and so nice with the kids and so so calm. Like I dont think I have ever seen him this calm and collected. When the kids do something wrong normally I tense for him to explode but now hes all calm and lovely.
It's hard atm as obviously he is going through it all the time and I feel so awful as I should but my head is just completely gone. I dont know whT to think. What if it was all me. He is being so nice now.

Also with all of this being brought up he asked me if I have any problems with our relationship. I spoke to him calmly about most of the things I spoke about on here. He dismissed alot of it. And we didnt really speak about it much but he did say he would love it if I carried on after he had said no. He said lots of things but he didnt shout or be mean but I just thought he was saying them to put it on me. Like "loads of ky mates wives have higher sex drive than them and want it all the time I would love it if you were like that." Also said something about he felt I'd kind of tricked him or given him a false sense of security because when we first got together I had sex with him whenever he wanted which was often twice a day.
I didnt compare it to my cheating because I feel like atm that is obviously the focus and I dont want to shift blame so when he dismissed it I did just kind of let him.
He said something too like "cheating is the worst thing you can do to a partner except for maybe kill them"

Also I've emailed a support worker from womens aid a few times but she has messaged me saying "I can offer support via phone or you can check our website " something like that.
I emailed back saying I couldn't phone and why. I explained he used to force me to have sex but hadn't in a while and I wasnt sure if what I was experiencing now is abuse or not but I guess I would try and call whenever it's possible but could be a long time she just messaged back ok stay safe...
So not much help there.

This is the cycle of abuse.
Please,please please get some help and leave him.

He’s realised that you’re not happy and he’s trying to reel you back in. Bringing up “cheating”, downplaying your feelings about the relationship, the calm behaviour - it’s all manipulation.

I wouldn’t say cheating is the worst thing anyone can do in a relationship apart from murder. I’d say repeatedly raping your partner and stripping them of their self-worth is far worse. Please don’t be taken in by his attempts to gaslight you.

OH op he really does get worse and worse every time you write about him doesnt him

First off its is a classic sexual abuser line that his mates wives have higher sex drives than them

The No line is just awful and abhorrent it is totally different for him and he knows it

and you didnt trick him at all

But the main thing is that hes being honestly so so nice and calm so lovely with the kids. Like he is totally calm never shouting. Being so lovely and so lovely to me too. Hes not shouted at me once or been really anty or anything despite what I have done.

Yes, I agree, you're in the cycle of abuse. He's just got you to list all your fears and open up to him workout actually doing the same. He gave you some bullshit about his mates. He will use this information to play you.
PP is right, he's hovering you back up into his games. The murder comment was to our fear into you.
Are you having odd dreams? Seemingly women who are advised have dreams about not being able to get out of the house. Would you trust your subconscious that this is abuse?
You've got cognitive dissonance about your relationship right now. The reality of it is so different to how you tell yourself mentality it is that you're struggling to accept it. Right now, he's being nice and you think great as this suits the image in your mind which probably harks back to his love bombing phrase. However, v remember, it won't last. What will you do when he returns to his old ways of harassment, etc ?

Women who are abused not advised..... 😊

I don't know if he will return to his ways. Last time we had a conversation like this it was when he was forcing me to have sex and o told him it was wrong just as over told him everything else is and made it very clear if he didnt stop I wouldn't be taking it anymore. And he did stop. He says the touching in sleep and controlling and anger will stop too. Maybe it will be the same.
He did open up about some of his insecurities too.

I've not really had any dreams I can remember. I dont sleep much lol my toddler is up all night and my dd is having dreadful nightmares atm. She has been up twice tonight already and sleeping in bed with me now.

What you've done?
What have you done?
He's bringing up something from the past years ago because that's all he has. All he has to manipulate you. Its pathetic.
Despite all the awful things you've written on here that he has done to you. That's all he has. Grasping at something.
Him being nice is not real. This is not real
Please access ome support. I know its difficult with these times at present but learning the cycle of abuse and speaking to a professional who can help you leave is so important.
You are worth more than this piece of shit.
Him being nice right now is all an illusion.

^He has been incredibly calm and nice about it. (Apart from saying I'm easy and a slut a fair few times) but hes being amazing and so nice with the kids and so so calm.*

Calling you a slut repeatedly is not ok whatever the circumstances.

How he's being is normal and how normal, non-abusive men are with their families most of the time.

It just seems really impressive to you because you've grown used to abuse and aggression. That's awful. And PP's are right- it's just because he knows you're not happy and wants to keep you there- as is the guilt tripping you. Of course he's been nice about it (when he's not called you a slut.) It's a golden egg for him as it means he has something else to beat you with when you try to say his behaviour's not ok.

You cheating years ago doesn't compare to rape, and constant sexual assault and coercion.

If he’s so capable of being calm and kind to your children then why wasn’t he doing it all along? What kind of parent would put their children through that if they were able to change overnight? Why has he only changed when you were starting to understand he was abusing you?

It’s a tactic to keep you second-guessing yourself and stop you from leaving. You deserve so much better than this. If he was genuine he’d have been like this from the start and you wouldn’t be trying to guess what’s real and what isn’t. That’s what he wants, to keep you uncertain enough that you won’t end it with him.

OP...... have just read the whole of your thread from beginning to now.

May God help and strengthen you to leave this abusive excuse of a man. You sound like such a lovely person op
...please get yourself and your children to a place of safety away from this excuse of a man.
Please please please op. Get to safety. Here is a huge difference between wanting to leave your marriage and not knowing how you will ever do it ( my own situation) and being AT SERIOUS RISK OF CONTINUING AND WORSENING ABUSE AND VIOLENCE OR EVEN DEATH. Please op. Leave and escape this horrific situation. You can do it . You can do it lady. All these wonderful, wise, posters who have a wealth of experience and knowledge are helping you and giving you excellent advice.

Please please get out whilst you can. Xxxxxxxxxxxxx

OP you haven’t wasted anyone’s time, if you could only see how everyone is very worried about your children‘s and your safety.

I believe your H is dangerous and it gives me a bad feeling how he has now said “cheating is the worst thing you can do to a partner except kill them.” He has knives, death and killing on his mind. You are not safe and he is lulling you into a false sense of security.

Please call the police and tell them you are frightened.

I spoke to him calmly about most of the things I spoke about on here. He dismissed alot of it. ... He said lots of things but he didnt shout or be mean but I just thought he was saying them to put it on me. Like "loads of ky mates wives have higher sex drive than them and want it all the time I would love it if you were like that." Also said something about he felt I'd kind of tricked him... the main thing is that hes being honestly so so nice and calm so lovely with the kids. Like he is totally calm never shouting. Being so lovely and so lovely to me too. Hes not shouted at me once or been really anty or anything despite what I have done... He did open up about some of his insecurities too

@Chickencuddle... Where to start. Yet again, you are falling for his entirely calculated and strategic manipulations. I understand that you are exhausted from years of abuse, but it's like this entire thread, all 24 pages of it, have just washed over you.

I get that your head is all over the place. I understand that it is a lot to take in. But please, I beg you, try to focus on the essentials:

He is an abuser.
You are his chief supply for his manipulating schemes.
By opening up to him, you have given him valuable ammunition for future abuse.
He opened up to you too only to make you feel safe, so you would reveal more of your feelings.
His apparent acceptance of your infidelity is to lure you into a false sense of security.
He enjoys toying with you.
HE WILL NOT CHANGE.
You have to get away from him.
For your sake, and for the sake of your children.

Please

I'm wondering if he's seen the thread. The OP said she'd sent it to a friend, if it was a mutual friend, then he may very well have seen it. With the OP being advised to go to the police and to get an Occupation Order, it's hardly surprising that he's 'being nice' or waiting for this to blow over and then ramp up the abuse as a punishment - they always do.

Also I've emailed a support worker from womens aid a few times but she has messaged me saying "I can offer support via phone or you can check our website " something like that.
I emailed back saying I couldn't phone and why. I explained he used to force me to have sex but hadn't in a while and I wasnt sure if what I was experiencing now is abuse or not but I guess I would try and call whenever it's possible but could be a long time she just messaged back ok stay safe...
So not much help there.

Did she suggest you use the chat facility? There is a chat facility where you can get advice and support on their website.

I don't understand why she won't communicate by text or email if you can't talk on the phone. Well done for contacting her but, I suppose it wasn't clear what you wanted and you seem to have minimised what is currently going on as he is regularly sexually assaulting you. He is abusive towards you and the children and follows you around, not giving you a moment's peace. He undermines you, calls you names and is still trying to rape you. He said that he would be happy if you forced him to have sex after he said no. That's rape. He's trying to normalise it.

You're in a grey area at the moment OP where you are trying to get help but don't want to leave or finish the relationship. What were your expectations from contacting WA?

Well I spoke to WA weeks ago and they said they would put me in contact with a support worker...I didnt know what the support worker would do but they said for a chat so I assumed I would find out when I met her. But all I got was an email saying hi, I'm your support worker - I didnt really know what to say so just said what I posted before. I suppose I want someone to year everything that's going on and tell me what's abuse and what isnt and then my options or advice on options. Maybe I was expecting too much.
He isnt following me around really any more. He just checks up on where I am or what I'm doing but I think hes just checking I'm ok and he likes alot of contact and I dont think he means it in a controlling way I know alot of things in the past are wrong. If he stays how he is now wr would be fine. So last time he stopped forcing me to have sex and maybe his time he will stop the things I've brought up now.

@Chickencuddle please don't sell yourself this lie.

He will not stop or get better.
He is a horrible person.
He is reeling you further in because he sensed something was off and will resume business as usual once you're completely stuck.

"Look now I'm such a nice guy and not shouting and abusing you and the kids at the moment even though you cheated on me all those years ago and you're an easy slut" - is that really what you and your DCs deserve?

It's all abuse. All of it. There is no being lovely to you. That's all part of the cycle.
There is no question of what is abuse , what's not.
I don't think you're at the acceptance stage. He will continue to mess with your head if you stay. There is no way out or change to this but to leave him. There is no happy future with him

Also he will not stay how he is now.
It would not be fine even if he did because he is still calling you names and manipulating and controlling you.
Non of this is fine. You have been so worn down to accept this as fine.
Please please try womens aid again. They do not have a magic wand but they can help you .

It was only a few days ago you posted that he wouldn’t stop touching you when you asked him to stop. In the end you had sex with him because you knew he wouldn’t leave you alone and would be grumpy with you until you did.

He’s still abusing you. It’s not in the past.

OP, what the support worker would do is a risk assessment. This is where you are asked various questions in order to find out your risk status. Then she would ask you what is going on and some of the history of the relationship and the abuse.

Here are your options:

1. A refuge. You and the children go to a refuge. A refuge is accommodation outside your area with a secret address so that he cannot find you. Support workers work at the refuge who can advise you on what to do in the longer term.

1. Police. Tell the police what he is doing as it's sexual assault, bullying and control.

1. Occupation Order which is a legal injunction that removes him from the house. This is sometimes coupled with a Non Molestation Order that means he can no longer abuse you. It is a criminal offence to breach it and he can be arrested.

1. Remain in the house with him.

1. You can of course divorce as well but that takes longer than the other options.

Other things you may be offered once lockdown is over is counselling or support groups like the Freedom Programme.

You have heard over and over again, that what he is doing is abusive. You don't need that validation from her but I can assure you that she will agree.

This abuse is not going to end and I am very concerned now that he's read this thread and is keeping his head down. I'm also concerned for your daughters because he's a rapist OP. I'm very worried that he'll start on them.

Those are your options and the support worker will support you by helping you to take action. For example, she will help you fill out forms and give you advice.

I know how hard this is for you and I am so, so saddened that you can't see how dysfunctional and unhealthy this is because it's your normal.

It depends what you want to do but the best action for now is an Occupation Order/Non Molestation Order in order to get him out of the house and away from you. The support worker can advise on how long that is going to take to be processed during the lockdown. She can also advise what the alternatives are if that's not possible for example, she may suggest a refuge instead if it takes too long but the goal is to minimise disruption to the children's lives as much as possible and also risk from C19.

The first step is to try to talk to her and have an idea of how you want to move forward and ask her questions about that. She is there to support and help you and she's just a person OP, there's nothing to be scared of. She'll work with what you want to do. Just be honest with her about what's been happening.

The best predictor of what's going to happen in the future is what's happened in the past. Your husband is not going to change, this is just the honeymoon period of the abuse cycle. He'll start criticising and assaulting you again because he's an abuser OP and abusers abuse.