Feel like husband doesn't care

[Chickencuddle]

Feel like his priorities are football and sex and then the kids and everything else and then me at the bottom. I know I sound like a spoiled brat. But I dont need much. Just feel like he doesnt care about me.
For example I have been very poorly recently ended up in a and e and still feeling very ill on the way home from A and E he grabbed my hand and made me touch his boner. I was like why have you got a boner now. He was just like "can you sort it out for me."
The kids were asleep in the back but could have woken up at any minute. I said no u felt awful and anyway the kids are in the back and it's not right to do hat when they are there.
He was all aww you could just Bob your head down or use your hand and be discreet.
Etc.
I was talking seriously the other day about going back to work to help with Bill's etc. Maybe doing a short course to get back into work. He wasnt really listening and then just said
Aye well you dont have to sell your body in the meantime.
I was like what? As if I would ever do that and I just feel like that's all he thinks I'm good for.
Asked him to watch the kids for an hour the other day because I was feeling so ill I thought I might pass out and he just complained about not being able to watch football.
The only time he hugs me or is nice to me is if he wants something.
Everything is a sexual innuendo and always dry humping me. I just feel like a piece of meat someti.es and just wish he would back off. Let me get better and be caring.
Am I being a brat or what?

Checklists
www.app.college.police.uk/app-content/major-investigation-and-public-protection/domestic-abuse/investigative-development/#checklist-spotlight-on-controlling-or-coercive-behaviour

Is there any way ti leave without habing to go to court. 8f i take the children away what happens?
Comments today have included my weight twice...(im size 10) very sexual comments and being touchy feely alotm biting my neck etc
Also told me i was a bad parent becausr i didnt agree with how strict he was being.

Chicken I have read this whole thread.. please stop thinking what if this and what if that? If you have decided you need to leave which it sounds like you have you need to phone the police. Stop saying you had a bad experience before so you can't. The options are continue as you are (DEFINITELY a bad experience) or phone the police and likely it'll be loads better this many years later. Please listen!

OP you need to reach out for real life support and ask support workers these questions. You have emailed WA so wait for them to get back to you. You can also ask the police what options you have and you can contact the Domestic Violence Helpline, you have the email address if you can't make phone calls.

You're basically being kept hostage by a sexual abuser. He follows you around, sexually assaults you at will, undermines you, bullies you and your children and treats you with contempt.

He's ramping up to rape you again if you don't capitulate. You're well aware of the signs that he wants sex and you'll have sex with him in order to halt the abuse and he'll be fine for a few days and then the tension will start to build again. That's the way he operates.

You could be under lockdown for months and you need to get yourself and your children out of this situation. The thread seems to be enabling you to stay by supporting you, so I'm not sure how helpful it is now.

You have reams of evidence here and online. You've looked up the various legal options you have and you've been given advice lines and domestic abuse helplines.

You can avoid court by asking him to move out. Do you think he'll do that without a fight OP? Do you think he'll leave without intervention? If so, then ask him to pack his stuff and go.

I am kbm i hsve spoken to womens aid. Im going to try and find documents today i dont know how but i will try.
Jyst recording it here but noone has to reply.
Last night 2 of the kids slept in bed with me so he went to sleep in another room. This morning he made the kids go in another room wirh tablets and youtube (which i hate but thats another story) then came into bed started touching me i kept telling him to stop i wanted to get up and get a shower before kids came in. Long story short he wouldnt stop kept gping on told me to have sex i said about the kids he said come to the locked bathroom for sex. I said over and over again i didnt want to i didnt think it was right with kids close by etc he kept saying it and went in and was like come on..now come on now. Over and over. I knew if i didnt he would be grumpy and sexual all day so i didnt know what to do in the end i went in and thought ill just get it iver with. He kept being really rough and it was hurting i told him to stop he kept goimg i pulled away multiple times and then he lost his hard on. He said for me to get it back. I said i think its best to leave it but he kept on so i tried. After a while i said we needed to stop and he started touching me. I told hom to stop and he qouldnt multiple times. I said i dont want you to and he said tough luck. So i pushed his hand away and walked out. Then he was upset about it for a while but hes actually ok now.
Again i know people have hearf this kind of thing befkrw not looking for a reply just to document.

Chicken, im so so sorry he is abusing you like this. This is horrific.

Please call the police. Please. I know you believe they won't help you based on a previous case, but allow yourself to also see the possibility that the police WILL help you. They will.

Well...I guess you knew that was coming. I hope you are starting to see how utterly disgusting this “man” is. There was another thread last night posted by a woman who’s horrible, horrible abusive husband had beaten the shit out of her, dragged her around the house then got her in a chokehold. He almost killed her and she is alive because she managed to make it to a window and started screaming for help. And you know what? All she had was sympathy for her abuser, he had had a hard life, blah,blah, can’t be divorced as she’s only mid 20’s, what will the neighbours say...completely flossing over the fact that the next time, he would likely kill her. There’s a real disassociation between reality and what the OP sees. I mention that thread because I see it in you. Massive minimisation. I’m not sure if it’s a coping technique or what. What she experienced was mental, emotional and physical abuse, you suffer daily from psychological, and mental and sexual abuse. Abuse is abuse. You should have a look at that thread, and see how she tries to protect/excuse her husband because you do it too. You sound so lovely, wishing you all the best. When you get out you won’t believe the life you are going to lead! It’s going to be amazing! You need to get rid of the abuser in your life first though.

OP, do you know what sarcasm means? Or heard the phrase 'never a truer word said in jest'? Him smiling and laughing while saying it, does not make it a joke or any less of an actual threat. Some threats are carefully couched in sly smiles and/or laughter, it doesn't mean you should actually think he isn't serious. He probably think you'd missed the cue because you laughed.

I am shocked that no woman's shelter or helpline have emailed you back. Are you sure you emailed to active organisations/gave them your email properly? Because it really does not seem right to me that absolutely no one has contacted you.

I can’t believe no one has contacted you either. Or maybe they have...and your husband found them? Is that at all possible?

My history with womens aid is i ohoned the domestic abuse helpline first they gave me the numvwr for the womens aid in my area. I asked what to say and hey told me to tell yhem i was referring myself for help. So i phoned. they asked me and i said that. They said they would get someone to phone back. This happened about 5 times before i was actually able to talk to spmeone. Partly because when they phoned back i missed it as busy with the kids then when i tried to phone they said the same thing. Anyway got throughThey asked me what kind of thing was gping on o said i wasnt sure if it was bad enough for help or if it was abuse and jyst told them some of the things that were happening. They said is it mental abusr too i said i dont really know i dont think so. Becaude i cant really pinpoint what i would use as mental abuse? Other than sometimes comments on my weight and puts me down a bit but if i bring it up he always jyst says hes joking and dont take it so seriously.
Anyway so she asked my details and saod she would get the lady working in my area to contact me via email to arrange to have a chat. Im not sure if that was meant to be a face to face chat or not.
Anyway since then noone has emailed but i thought it was because of the corona virus. I emailed a few days ago and no email back yet.
Also i brought up a holiday we were meant to be going on and told him we would have to postpone it and i dont even kniw where passports are do you? He said they are in the loft. I know that they are with all important documents. We havr no loft ladders and a few weeks ago he borrowed a friends ladders to get up there and put some stuff up. So theres no way i can get them now :(
I sont think he could check my email. Ive changed the password a few weeks back.
Just downstairs baking with the kids and i was cleaning up he comes up to me very touchy feely (funny how he never wants a hug and basically ignores me qhen im on my period)
I hugged him back but said arrr my tooth and ear really hurt (had problems wirh an infection after wisdom tooth removal recently)
He was like..hmmn well you have a jib to do tonight dont forget. Hinting to the fact that eveb though i have this sore ear and tooth i dont get out of having sex.
Im phoning the bank today to try and get a card delivered so at least i will have that. Will look at what else i can do in meantime.

Please, @Chickencuddle.... call 101 and ask to be put through to the Police Domestic Violence Unit.

Tell them what you have told us. Make it clear that you are scared and that you cannot go on because his abuse is escalating.

They will help you.

Information from PSNI website

www.psni.police.uk/crime/domestic-abuse/who-can-help-me/

Have you been the victim of this crime?
We are here to help

Police
We are here to protect, help and support anybody who is suffering domestic abuse. We will,

fully investigate any incident that has occurred and take action against the perpetrator, if there is sufficient evidence.
Protect you and your children from immediate or further harm.
Provide information in relation to criminal proceedings and police procedure.
Provide information on local domestic abuse support agencies that can give emotional and practical assistance.
If you have information please contact the police
CALL 101

In a non emergency but you need immediate assistance or advice

MORE INFORMATION
ONLINE

Quick and easy way to report non emergency incidents.

REPORT NOW
CALL 999

In an emergency where you need immediate assistance or feel threatened

MORE INFORMATION
24 Hour Domestic and Sexual Abuse Helpline
Available to anyone who has concerns about domestic or sexual abuse, now or in the past. It is open to all women and men affected by domestic and sexual violence. Please phone 0808 802 1414.

Women’s Aid
Women’s Aid is the national domestic violence charity that helps up to 250,000 women and children every year. They work to end violence against women and children and support over 350 domestic and sexual violence services across the country.

Men’s Advisory Project
Men’s Advisory Project (MAP) exists to provide counselling services for men experiencing domestic abuse. Support and counselling services are also available to men who have previously left a violent or abusive relationship and who are still experiencing the effects.

GP
Your local GP can offer help and support. Many people experiencing abuse believe that their GP can be trusted with disclosure and can offer practical support.

Social Worker
Social Services can provide practical assistance and guidance to those suffering abuse.

Open in a secret incognito tab on your phone.
Click on the report now button. Report your information to them. Give them your address and mobile number etc. You will be on the system in case of an emergency.

This, I imagine, will also act as evidence for if you go to court.

www.psni.police.uk/crime/domestic-abuse/who-can-help-me/

You're doing really well OP, I know how hard you're trying and how frightened you are. I'm wondering if you can contact the Domestic Abuse helpline and explain that no one has been in contact and ask for alternatives: 0808 802 1414 [email protected]

The only thing I can think of now that they still haven't got back to you ( if anyone is reading who works for Women's Aid, is there any chance you can contact Women's Aid NI and perhaps they can Direct Message the OP here ).

Can you perhaps contact the police who are braced for an influx of domestic abuse calls, and ask what your options are. Dial 101 and ask for help.

What we're hoping to achieve is for him to be removed from the property so you and your children are safe for the duration of the lockdown.

Unless he leaves of his own volition, I can't see how that's possible unless you get an injunction. I have researched and it seems as though you also have Non Molestation Orders and Occupation Orders. I'm wonder if any Family Law solicitors are reading this in NI or know someone there, can we get some advice on that for the OP.

Here's some information on NI and Domestic Abuse.

OP contact Women's Aid NI, the head office: [email protected] and explain to them what's going on. Tell them you have phoned and emailed to no response and urgently require assistance.

Also here are the various Women's Aid's in NI, perhaps get in contact with another office.

Here are the forms to apply for an Occupation Order/Non Molestation Order NI.

Here's the Guidance Notes for filling in the forms.

Here's the website for the Department Of Justice.

Here's the Advice Line for free legal advice NI: 028 9024 4401 you can email here: [email protected] They are currently open and operating as usual. If they can't help they can direct you to somewhere that does.

Thank you for all the information. I contacted a friend quickly via message the other day and sent a link to this thread asking for her advice. She is helping going to phone womens aid for me.
I'm going to try to get some recordings which is tricky as cant record much and dont know when he will be nice and when he wont be. But I can try. Of I have evidence I would feel a million times better about leaving.

OP please copy and paste this message and send it to every email address below in a block email. If your email address doesn't allow numerous emails then send in batches. Delete the email from your 'sent' and 'trash' folders.

[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]

Hi,

I desperately need help and can't seem to get in contact with anyone. I have been in contact with Women's Aid (which one) and they said they would get back in contact with me but haven't and I urgently need advice.

My husband is extremely controlling and abusive. He is constantly sexually assaulting me and coercing me into sex I don't want. He bullies the children and undermines me all the time. I'm worried about the effect of his behaviour on my children and that he is getting worse, in fact I think he's going to sexually assault me again soon.

I really need advice on what to do. I would like to know how I go about getting a Non Molestation Order/Occupation Order to get him away from us and the house. I have no access to funds as he controls all the money but I understand that legal aid will cover this for me.

I desperately need to speak to someone. I can't talk on the phone as he is here at all times and follows me around the house. Can someone email me please at this email address as soon as they can to give me advice.

Kind regards,

NAME

LEGAL ADVICE :

[email protected]

Hi

I'm stuck in an domestic abuse situation and need legal advice and assistance on obtaining an Occupation Order/Non Molestation Order. I understand this is covered by Legal Aid as I have no access to funds as my husband is financially abusive.

Can you please advise me on how to go about doing this and who to contact for assistance.

Many thanks,

NAME

Well done for getting your friend to phone for you. Let's hope that, between us we get some kind of communication going.

Does he have access to your emails? Could he have deleted them?

I wondered if he'd somehow deleted them
In my experience they do email/call you back if they say they will and you've said it is safe to do so

Especially as he was making pointed digs about domestic violence.

Hopefully your friend will be able to get word out that you need help.

How are you op? I hope you are safe xx

I'm ok. Head just a bit of a mess atm.

It's a lot to come to terms with. Be kind to yourself and keep plugging away at making plans to leave.