Feel like husband doesn't care

[Chickencuddle]

Feel like his priorities are football and sex and then the kids and everything else and then me at the bottom. I know I sound like a spoiled brat. But I dont need much. Just feel like he doesnt care about me.
For example I have been very poorly recently ended up in a and e and still feeling very ill on the way home from A and E he grabbed my hand and made me touch his boner. I was like why have you got a boner now. He was just like "can you sort it out for me."
The kids were asleep in the back but could have woken up at any minute. I said no u felt awful and anyway the kids are in the back and it's not right to do hat when they are there.
He was all aww you could just Bob your head down or use your hand and be discreet.
Etc.
I was talking seriously the other day about going back to work to help with Bill's etc. Maybe doing a short course to get back into work. He wasnt really listening and then just said
Aye well you dont have to sell your body in the meantime.
I was like what? As if I would ever do that and I just feel like that's all he thinks I'm good for.
Asked him to watch the kids for an hour the other day because I was feeling so ill I thought I might pass out and he just complained about not being able to watch football.
The only time he hugs me or is nice to me is if he wants something.
Everything is a sexual innuendo and always dry humping me. I just feel like a piece of meat someti.es and just wish he would back off. Let me get better and be caring.
Am I being a brat or what?

I'm not calling he police. Horrible experience when I was younger and now I have so much more to lose. My children. A while back one of our mutual friends told us social services had been phoned because of some things the husband had been saying around the kids. Husband was talking about it later and he said oh I would just deny it or say I was having a laugh and it was a joke. No way would inlet them take my kids away.
Its stuck with me. I'm scared he would put it on me. I've had eating disorders and anxiety etc as a teen and he would lie to try and put something on me and I would end up losing the kids. They are absolutely everything to me.
I'm a mess tbh my head is all over the place and one minute I think hes horrible and I need to get away and next I think it's me and I'm too sensitive or exaggerating and it's all in my head.
My heart is hurting so much. And I'm scared of posting this incase people get cross with me.
I wish it was just me and the kids and I would be happy but I have to find a way for that to happen which will damage the kids the least and end things amicably as possible with husband.
So I will need to phone lots of people and gather info before I can do it.
I'm sorry to everyone thinking I should do this a different way.

So a mutual friend has already called social services and they have a record? I suspect it wont be long before safeguarding is called at school regarding this and it will be HIM not you who should be looked at

I wish it was just me and the kids and I would be happy but I have to find a way for that to happen which will damage the kids the least and end things amicably as possible with husband.

The way to damage your kids least is to leave your abuser. Forget about ending it amicably with your abuser. It's not going to happen and it is irrelevant.

So I will need to phone lots of people and gather info before I can do it.

Who do you think you need to phone, apart from the Domestic Violence Unit of the Police? I think you can no longer see the wood for the trees!

I'm sorry to everyone thinking I should do this a different way.

We are telling you to pull yourself together and phone the Police because we are seriously worried about you. Please, please.... just do it.

No social services was called for my friends children because her husband was threatening to kill himself in front of the kids.

Probably right flower arranger. I cant think properly as constantly have kids or husband needing me along with this on my mind.
I wanted to phone a solicitor and also there were a few other helplines who would give me legal advice. Gingerbread and I cant remember the others.

No one is going to take your children away and leave them with a rapist OP.

You need to get him out of the house because you're not safe with him there and neither are your children. They need to be protected from him.

If you contact WA via email and ask them about your legal options to begin with and take it from there.

The problem with phoning police is having no evidence and that really scares me. I feel like he will turn it all round onto me being crazy or something.

Chicken I really do understand that your head must be all over the place it is a lot to process and I think the reason people are a bit frustrated with you is because we are just really worried for you. You keep saying that you think you are exaggerating or being sensitive. You really aren't. It's hard to see it when your right in the thick of it. Re read your thread what would you say to a friend or one of your children if they came to you with half of the things your husband is doing. Would you tell them they were being sensitive?no I think you would tell them to get the hell away from him! I'm so sorry that you have had a bad experience with the police and I'm sorry you have been through so much but just because it turned out like that before doesn't mean it will this time..something has to change and fast because you aren't safe staying long term in this situation forget about ending it amicably. That isn't going to happen. once he realises he's lost control he could get very nasty (even more so then he has been)if you think that making phone calls to a solicitor ECT will help then by all means ring them and get some advice but I too agree that it has come to the police having to be involved. This lockdown could go on for a long time. I know your scared it's natural to feel that way and this is going to take a great deal of strength and courage from you but I do believe you can do it. Other women have come through the other side. You can too.

No-one is going to get cross at you, this is all east for us to say as it’s not our life. All I do know is that women stay with their abusers, think it wouldn’t be that bad and they are killed and their children are killed.
I repeat, I’m so scared for you.

I have just read the entire thread and I too am so scared for you. You need to get out, now.

I understand your fear, but please put this into context, none of your belongings matter, the clothes on your back are sufficient. You are the most important thing here. You’d only need to show this thread to someone in authority and I am certain they would feel compelled to protect you.

You say he is with you 90% of the time, use that 10% of time to get out. Get you and your children to the nearest Police station, tell them everything, please do this for you and your children, please break this cycle, you deserve so much more. God bless you

I've contacted womens aid via email asking my legal options and giving them details of some of the things happening.
I honestly feel like I'm breaking and I need to take baby steps. When this same thing happened when I was younger and the police and everything I couldn't handle it all I started self harming I was anorexic I had panic attacks I was just existing and I promised myself I would never go back to that and especially now i have kids. I need to stay strong for them. So I need to take this at my pace. 8m sorry to be such a weakling. I'm sat in bed with 2 of my kids asleep next to me.. husband downstairs watching TV.
My friends just tried to do a group chat and include me. (Their husbands are all friends with my husband) and I couldn't pick up because I just felt like I would burst out crying.

Today he asked me if I'd cancelled Disney plus which he had told me to do. I said yes and he grabbed my private parts and said you would have been in trouble if you hadn't. Again acts like hes joking but I just dont like it. I pushed his hand away and he grabbed me again.
He has been kissing my neck and rubbing against me all day. I've just had my period and today is first day without it. He came upstairs before when I went to brush my teeth he heard me moving and came up and way putting his hands down my pants and touching me. I told him I wanted to sleep and he said "save it for tomorrow then" probably because kids in our bed. But now I just feel dread. It's not because I think he will treat me badly I guess it's because he already has and I just dont want to be near him anymore.
I feel like he does have no idea though. I dont know.
I feel so confused and lost and alone and if I leave I will have noone
Literally noone. And that really scared me. The kids having xmas dinner just with me. They will think its rubbish and I'm rubbish and atm they are clueless and happy and they love him. It's such a shit situation.

Also my youngest still breastfeed she is 14 months old he was talking today about how she thinks my breasts are hers and shes becoming spoilt etc. I was just thinking wtf.
He has said before about NY body being his because we are married but then is getting annoyed when toddler puts hand down my top.

also sorry to be replying again can I ask why people think police now. Is it just because of the knife comment? Everyone is saying its escalating but I actually think there hasn't been as much considering he is at home.

Well done for contacting Women's Aid OP! His behaviour is escalating as he's being more aggressive, there was a lull where he wasn't so bad and he's ramping it up again and this part of that where he's sexually assaulting you again.

You need to get him out of the house and calling the police and having him removed is the best way of doing that. He's unlikely to go if you ask him to leave and that may trigger violence.

I'm so glad you've contacted WA. I believe NI also has Occupation and Non Molestation Orders but have no idea if those are being processed. Remember that you can also contact the Domestic Abuse helpline which is 24 hours for advice and they also have an email address.

I googled what that was but I think you need to have had violence or threat of violence and even then if they dont admit it it has to go to court. He will never admit it.

I just know noone will believe me...I can deal with that...i know the truth
But I cant deal with if he tried to take the kids off me.

Rape and sexual assault is violence OP. You have everything you've written here as evidence and the emails you've been sending yourself. He sexually assaulted you today and that's enough for a Non Molestation Order.

You'll be asked to write a statement which can be done over the phone. An emergency injunction can be done without notice to your husband but he will be given an opportunity to defend the injunctions in court. WA can answer any questions you have about them.

He won't get the children and you are doing this for them. You have to get them out of this environment. Abusers always use this as a threat to keep the survivor stuck. It's very common.

He hasn't used it as a threat I'm just scared with my parents there was an injunction or something to keep them away from me. It went to court and not enough evidence and then that was all done and there was no help for me.
I dont think he knows or understands. I wish here was a way I could sit down with him and someone else and talk rationally and get him to admit it and then I would have evidence but I think if I dump all this on him suddenly he will fight me. He has alot on his side and I have nothing.

If he goes to court and he pleads not guilty and then I will get out in prison. Ive seen it backfire. I've seen women try to get free from abuse just to be put down and told they are perverting the court or whatever it's called. No way am I risking losing my kids. No way. I will find a way to do it without police.

People are more aware of abuse nowadays then they were years ago. You seem to think it'll all pan out the way out did for your parents. Most likely, it wouldn't as the systems are different these days. Martial rape is a crime these days. General consensus is to believe the victim until otherwise proven.
He knows how your mind works. Your comment about him knowing what you're thinking is correct. The Irish DV book I recommended to your days it's because abusers spend so much time at the beginning of your relationship finding out about you. This means they are excellent at anticipating your thoughts. Hence the 'joke' was designed to put you off balance.
Your parents went through something similar. The book also discusses how they select someone they can groom. I suspect he chose you on purpose and had worked on your mental health for years to get you to this state.
They liken abuser to being in a cult. Cults keep you occupied at all times so you don't have time to think about your situation and realise how odd it all is! He is using a similar tactic. Same with getting the kids distracted when you're working with them. This is all a series of tactics. Watch him tomorrow. See the games he plays with you.
I too recommend getting the police involved. Tell them he gearing up for sex throughout various sexual assaults over the past two days. You don't want it. He'll potentially rape you if you refuse because he's done it before to you. They will come protect you based on the previous take and three potential forthcoming one.
I hope you're safe!!

They will come protect you based on the previous rape and the potential forthcoming one.

Looking back to when we first started dating he didn't treat me well at all I domt know why but I kept going back and when he finally asked me to be his girlfriend I felt like the luckiest girl in the world it was what I had wanted for so long. I wonder now if treating me like that was a test of what I would put up with..or how easy I was to mould.
I believe the police would protect me at first o just worry about after. I have no evidence if I had evidence I would be phoning and leaving right now but that is really holding me back I've been through this kind of thing before and I need evidence.

@Chickencuddle... This thread is a record of your evidence!!

can I ask why people think police now

His abuse is escalating. Culminating in the knife incident. He is now baiting you, toying with you, smirking at your discomfort and panic, getting immense satisfaction at your helplessness.

You must involve the Police because you are now so beaten down, confused and panicking. I think you are past the state where doing things slowly, logically, strategically might be feasible. Women's Aid, Gingerbread and other organisations would be useful if you were in a calmer frame of mind. Right now you truly cannot see the wood for the trees, but you are in real danger. You cannot go on like this. You need emergency help, and you need it now.

The Police DV unit will help you get out of this horrible situation NOW. Everything else can wait, many you will be given the help you need.

Yes, he was testing boundaries. In The Gift of Fear, he explores this aspect of relationships.

The CPS Crown Prosecution Services know you'll find it difficult to come forward. Have a read of their website. You might find it reassuring.
www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/domestic-abuse-guidelines-prosecutors#a90

Your statement is evidence. I've been scanning the Crown Prosecution Services website. They know coercive control is done is private and difficult to prove. They have checklists for evidence. This is the coresive control checklist

Checklist: Spotlight on controlling or coercive behaviour
In addition to standard lines of enquiry, officers investigating a potential offence of controlling or coercive behaviour under section 76 of the Serious Crime Act 2015 should focus on identifying a pattern of behaviour across different types of evidence. Much of it will be evidence of the victim and perpetrator’s day to day living and their interaction.

Types of evidence which may be useful include:

records of communication between the victim and perpetrator, eg, emails, phone records, text messages, social media
audio or visual recordings of interaction between the victim and perpetrator, demonstrating body language and tone, eg, 999 recordings, CCTV, BWV footage
local enquiries, eg, neighbours, regular deliveries, postal services, window cleaner
witness testimony, eg, from family and friends, as to observed behaviour by both parties and its effect and impact
diaries kept by the victim and/or children
records of lifestyle and household, including photographic evidence of the scene
evidence of isolation, eg, lack of contact with family and friends, withdrawal from social activities and clubs
records of interaction with services which show the perpetrator adopting a dominant role, eg, always accompanying the victim to banking or medical appointments
bank records showing financial control
medical records
GPS tracking devices installed on mobile phones, tablets, vehicles
care plan, where the perpetrator has caring responsibilities
These are not exhaustive and any evidence which shows a pattern of control or coercion is relevant.

See Home Office (2015) Statutory Guidance Framework and Crown Prosecution Service (2015) Controlling or Coercive Behaviour in an Intimate or Family Relationship for further information.