Feel like husband doesn't care

[Chickencuddle]

Feel like his priorities are football and sex and then the kids and everything else and then me at the bottom. I know I sound like a spoiled brat. But I dont need much. Just feel like he doesnt care about me.
For example I have been very poorly recently ended up in a and e and still feeling very ill on the way home from A and E he grabbed my hand and made me touch his boner. I was like why have you got a boner now. He was just like "can you sort it out for me."
The kids were asleep in the back but could have woken up at any minute. I said no u felt awful and anyway the kids are in the back and it's not right to do hat when they are there.
He was all aww you could just Bob your head down or use your hand and be discreet.
Etc.
I was talking seriously the other day about going back to work to help with Bill's etc. Maybe doing a short course to get back into work. He wasnt really listening and then just said
Aye well you dont have to sell your body in the meantime.
I was like what? As if I would ever do that and I just feel like that's all he thinks I'm good for.
Asked him to watch the kids for an hour the other day because I was feeling so ill I thought I might pass out and he just complained about not being able to watch football.
The only time he hugs me or is nice to me is if he wants something.
Everything is a sexual innuendo and always dry humping me. I just feel like a piece of meat someti.es and just wish he would back off. Let me get better and be caring.
Am I being a brat or what?

Op he said it deliberately to unnerve you. Everything he does is careful and deliberate he is a master manipulator and I'm so worried for you. Have you heard back from women's aid ?would you be able to get a spare min to try and ring them again? Maybe go out for a walk and ring them?i can understand you feeling so on edge all the time. Keep talking on here to let us know you are safe. X

I dont know how to get out atm and how I would get any of the kids things. I'm going to have to wait until he is back in work and then phone lots of people and try and figure things out but I already know it will take a while. This is making me realise how much I love just being with the kids. It's so easy and carefree and then hes there and it's so stressful and I'm on edge. I'm going to note everything on my secret email and then make a list to do for when this is all over.

Thanks lollipop I've not heard from them and tbh I hope they dont email now as he is regularly asking to see emails I've got from school etc so it doesnt feel safe.i domt get time alone atm but if I do I may try.

OP I have just read through this entire thread and what is really fucking scary is that the abuse has escalated massively even since you started the thread. YOU MUST GET OUT. Priti Patel specifically said that domestic abuse victims should not be afraid to leave even during lockdown. YOU ARE IN DANGER. Please please get out.

He rummage in the cutlery drawer and brought out the biggest knife we had and said. "I love you too. To death

^OP, that was not a joke, that was a direct threat!

I've just spent 2 hours reading your thread, and I feel utter horror. He is playing cat and mouse with you, and I am so scared for you.

Many years ago, I was in your situation, with very similar things being played out, though I just had one child - a baby.

One Sunday, he was in a mood, and because he'd got me to such a state where I couldn't think straight he shouted 'fine' that he'd 'make his own lunch'.
He got the knife out of the drawer to cut the bread, then started shouting at me that it was my fault at what was about to happen. He swung round, and came at me (I was holding my baby), he backed me up through the house to the door and stabbed me. He went for my neck but I managed to duck a little so he stabbed me in the shoulder instead. He could have killed me. He could so easily have killed my baby.
I managed to open the door and run to a friends house. I was so very lucky.

I want you to be lucky too. Stop, just please stop making excuses for his behaviour. He's a total bastard.

OP the way to end this is to get the police to remove him from the property so you and your children are safe. You can then sort out an Occupation Order to keep him out of the property.

You seem unwilling to make any changes, so all you can do is keep making a log of his behaviour which is escalating. You've been told over and over again, that you and the children are not safe.

I also wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't reading your phone or emails and is waiting for the WA email.

Tell him that you'll forward any messages from the school to him so he doesn't need to keep reading your emails. Change your passwords as well.

The safety plan we are making is in case you have to flee with the children for your life. It's not the only option. The best way forward is to have him removed from the property so you and the children don't have to find somewhere else.

I'm also wondering if he has access to a gun. Did you have a risk assessment done? You would be classified as high risk anyway. You also have the 24 hour DV helpline and email address.

This situation may go on for months OP, not weeks and you aren't safe. You really need to start considering your options and taking action. I know you're frightened but this can't continue.

Unwilling to make changes? I'm not sure what changes I need to make right now. Seriously I feel trapped I want to sort this out but he is with me all the time it's not that I'm unwilling I'm just in a hard situation

I think perhaps the first stage is the most horrible one OP you have to realise that nothing about this is normal at all, that normal relationships dont contain any of this and that if your children mention any of this at school safeguarding messages would kick in

And be prepared to call the Police - it is that bad you may well need to

Can someone break this down for me because to me this seems ridiculous. What in the last few days is abuse for what possible reason could I phone police. The knife thing was a joke.

That's not a joke, sweetie, it's a threat.

You've suffered from years of abuse OP. Abuse including sexual assault and rape are criminal offences for which people are jailed. Individual instances of domestic abuse would not be considered offences but abuse is a pattern of behaviour.

So, you wouldn't contact the police and say, 'Please come, my husband pulled out a knife and joked about killing me.' You would contact the police and say, 'My husband is abusive and I'm concerned that his behaviour is escalating and me and my children are in danger. He has been sexually assaulting me and raping me for years. He is controlling and follows me around the house, I can't do anything without him being there. The children are being affected by his abusive and bullying behaviour and I'd like to know what my options are here.'

Making changes would involved getting legal advice, contacting WA about your current options and contacting the police for advice. WA would advise you about how to get him out, what benefits you are entitled to and how to manage your safety once he's gone because he may step up the abuse.

Yep I was making those changes slowly but surely before the Coronavirus and now I cant because hes here. It took so much for me to phone i was shaking so bad every time. I phoned 4 or 5 times different people and still not got anywhere. But I cant do anything now. I dont want to involve police that happened with my parents and it was a total mess and got nowhere other than me spending years thinking it was my fault and years of stress and the process didnt end for ages it was an absolutely horrendous time and I never ever want to go through that again and especially not my kids. I will get through this then find a way to phone and leave.

And it was a joke he laughed at he end. He wasnt serious.

OP he was serious and you know it - he was making a point that you are his. You were unnerved at the time

The biggest and only change you can and need to make is thinking this is ok and normal and that your children arent affected by this

OP, would he have laughed if you'd 'joked' about stabbing him?

OP, sweetheart, part of you knew when you wrote about it on here that him 'jokingly' threatening you with the biggest knife in the house was not ok. Otherwise you wouldn't have told MN. Read back through your posts about the incident, you've been conditioned to minimise his behaviour and you're doing it more every time you post. PP are worried about you, that's why they're not taking it as a joke. Women die in circumstances like this. No one's saying that to upset you, they're saying it because they recognise that you are in real danger.

One question about your immediate reaction when he said 'love you too, to death' - did you laugh, or did you feel frightened?

Please, @Chickencuddle, for goodness sake, follow this advice:

the way to end this is to get the police to remove him from the property

Call 101 and ask to be put through to the Domestic Violence Unit. Do it today - go out to call or call them from the bathroom. But please do call!

And tell them what @newyear123 drafted for you, but add the knife incident. Because this wasn't a joke...

IT WAS A THREAT

Please, please, act now!

He said, ’everything will increase now, domestic violence will increase.”
Now he has said, I love you. To death.

OP his threats are escalating, he threatened to kill you, now he has pulled out a knife, he laughed at the end.” He must think it’s frigging hilarious to threaten you after you hug him and tell him you love him.

He wasn’t joking, he was putting fear into you when he pulled out the knife. He sounds quite mad, your children must be on edge all the time. Your children are in danger, you are going to have to be very brave. The Coronavirus is not going to just take a few weeks, you could be with him for months.

You could take your phone while he is asleep and go outside and phone the police. Send them this thread OP. At the very least phone them so they know you are frightened. They will at least be aware you are experiencing domestic violence. They will be aware you are frightened if your voice is shaking.

You poor thing, I wish we could all help you.

OP they pretend they're joking, that's what they do. And his comment about domestic violence, which he then repeated, you know wasn't a throwaway comment either. All this is designed to intimidate you, control you, and make you feel you can't leave, which is working.

You register all this on some level- that's why you haven't left, you feel you have to do so many things in secret, you are so on edge when he's around etc.

I could cry for you OP. Women are killed everyday by their partners. Ordinary women like you who believe ‘he’s not that bad’, ‘he’d never do that’. Would you ever forgive yourself if he harmed your children?

OP, I know it's hard, I know it's surreal. But the best solution for you now is to hold your kinds hands and leave. Get in the car and drive. If you can't get to the car, walk to the neighbours' house and ask them to cal the police and take you in.

No need to pack. Just get the kids and walk out and tell your neighbour you're worried for your safety and for them to lock door and call police.

please do not hang around waiting for something worse to happen to justify leaving. It's already there. This is bad.

You and the kids can recover from this. You will get to have a nice life. It's not the life you hoped for, but it still can be.

Please leave.

OP pushing and bending you over is abuse. The constant questions that make you feel rattled and unable to think straight is abuse. Undermining you with the kids is abuse. Shouting an instruction at you until you do what he says is abuse.

The joke with the knife is not a joke. Call the police.

And, just to be clear, none of the above happen in a normal marriage.

I actually think he was joking and I think I felt uneasy because of what kbm had said in her post about being in the kitchen.
I'm tired. Drained. Today I feel like I have nothing left. Its tiring analysing everything and it was so much easier before when I thought he was amazing.

@Chickencuddle maybe that is so but you do see now that he isn't amazing, right? That he's an awful awful coercive controller who is dangerous and who you need to get you and your kids away from. Your DSM has all
But told you that's you are in a hugely problematic relationship; your friend has given you terrible advice but even she admits that he is controlling; and you have a history of abuse so please listen to all of the fantastic advice in here. He has very clearly threatened; he has a history of sexual abuse that is continuing albeit in a different manner; and he is now going out of his way to control the DC to make him feel big.
This is where these stories end up: www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/society/2017/jun/17/we-didnt-recognise-that-he-was-dangerous-our-father-killed-our-mother-and-sister
Please call the police - the point at which you wake up to the issues are the point at which men like this feel out of control and take action. Please please call the police or do what people on here, who are far more experienced in such situations than I am, are recommending.