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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feel like husband doesn't care

990 replies

Chickencuddle · 03/03/2020 12:22

Feel like his priorities are football and sex and then the kids and everything else and then me at the bottom. I know I sound like a spoiled brat. But I dont need much. Just feel like he doesnt care about me.
For example I have been very poorly recently ended up in a and e and still feeling very ill on the way home from A and E he grabbed my hand and made me touch his boner. I was like why have you got a boner now. He was just like "can you sort it out for me."
The kids were asleep in the back but could have woken up at any minute. I said no u felt awful and anyway the kids are in the back and it's not right to do hat when they are there.
He was all aww you could just Bob your head down or use your hand and be discreet.
Etc.
I was talking seriously the other day about going back to work to help with Bill's etc. Maybe doing a short course to get back into work. He wasnt really listening and then just said
Aye well you dont have to sell your body in the meantime.
I was like what? As if I would ever do that and I just feel like that's all he thinks I'm good for.
Asked him to watch the kids for an hour the other day because I was feeling so ill I thought I might pass out and he just complained about not being able to watch football.
The only time he hugs me or is nice to me is if he wants something.
Everything is a sexual innuendo and always dry humping me. I just feel like a piece of meat someti.es and just wish he would back off. Let me get better and be caring.
Am I being a brat or what?

OP posts:
Chickencuddle · 29/03/2020 12:14

I'm staying calm. Just. I just feel like I cant do anything my way when hes here. I know that sounds selfish but I mean doing things for the kids.
This morning he wanted everyone to go for a walk first thing. Dd didnt wsnt to go as she was cold and tired and I tried suggesting I stay at home with her but every time I tried to speak he just shouted over the top of me "put her shoes on now. Put her shoes on now." Over and over so I just gave in and off her went. I tried to make it fun for the kids and took a few minutes but after about 10 minutes they started joining in little games etc and just when they started finding it fun he declared we all had to go back they didnt want to go back yet but his decision is final.

Then making lunch for the kids he keeps walking in front of me on purpose. All the time so i have to keep going round. Then when making the sandwiches he starts grinding in me from behind. I said "can you please stop and let me just get on with lunch" then he looked over me as you would if you were challenging someone to a fight or something. Looking down at me. I just ignored him and carried in with the lunch but I feel all nervous and I think it's from biting my tounge so much all the time and from having to try to keep the peace all the time.
I'm not saying abuse but very annoying and I just want some of my own space back.

OP posts:
Catmaiden · 29/03/2020 12:56

Oh god but it IS abuse! It's appalling.

12345kbm · 29/03/2020 15:40

It sounds like the abuse is escalating OP and you're in the 'tension building phase ' of the abuse cycle. He's looking for excuses to kick off.

The walking in front of you and talking over you is typical of abusers, I know it feels as though this is just happening to you but it isn't. Many survivors have experienced similar behaviour. It's a way of asserting dominance and control over you and intimidating you.

Have you worked out where you'll go if you need to flee? Can you email the helpline for advice?

I know you don't think you'll need to and I'm exaggerating but it's better to be prepared.

He doesn't like to be challenged, no abusers do and he'll find a way of punishing you for infractions. He's also bullying the children. The atmosphere at home must be very tense.

If you manage to get him out of the house for a while, what you did before was perfect, by saying you'd stay in with the children, you can perhaps try to pack some small bags and hide them.

Safe spaces in the house are anywhere with a door or window so you aren't trapped. Avoid the kitchen, the garage or shed and bathroom. It feels like a natural place to flee, the bathroom but it's full of very hard surfaces (sinks and baths) and you're effectively trapped in there if he gets in.

The aim is to get out and away from him. If you can, get in the car and drive to the nearest police station.

I know that WA workers are working from home and they are still supporting people. Can you email the WA worker you were in contact with OP and ask for a safe space to flee? Also ask if injunctions are still being processed in NI.

Please humour me here and do the above if you can.

Chickencuddle · 29/03/2020 21:34

If I had to flee I would worry he would follow me. He has a van. I dont know all friends over here are mutual. If I had to flee it would mean he is being violent in which case I would probably get in the car and drive towards the nearest city. Or large town and phone police. I really dont think it would come to that but just incase.
I feel like I shouldnt email womens aid I've tried so many times to get help from them and I feel like I've told them what's going on and I'm obviously not a priority. Perhaps they even think I'm being silly or overreacting. They havnt emailed me still I've not recoeved an email at all. The last person I spoke to was the women who said she would refer me and I would receive an email. But I havnt so...?
Getting the kids bath ready before and he came behind me and pushed me down so I'm bent over I kept myself rigid trying to stay straight up but he kept at it.
I mean I guess this kind of thing happens alot in normal marriages but it's just the fact he doesnt hug it kidd me or be nice to me or even really talk to me much, then hes doing that. Just dont feel loved at all.

OP posts:
12345kbm · 29/03/2020 21:58

OP at least you are thinking about what to do in case he gets violent. That's the important thing here. We sometimes freeze when we're frightened and it makes it easier if we have a plan.

You are a priority. You're in a very abusive relationship and this is in no way normal or healthy. Women are not constantly sexually molested and assaulted by their husband's. He's also incredibly controlling, following you around and undermining you all the time.

Try emailing WA again for some support OP.

Keep posting though as I know you're safe.

Weenurse · 30/03/2020 07:31

This kind of thing does not happen at all in normal marriages

Icantbelieveitsnotnutter · 30/03/2020 07:45

How do you bite your tongue? He's a bully. Tell him in no uncertain terms to get off you, loud and clear reach time he tries to control or dominate you. Shock him. All bullies are cowards. Get the police on him if necessary. This needs to stop now.

Icantbelieveitsnotnutter · 30/03/2020 07:45

#each#

Chickencuddle · 30/03/2020 08:32

I used to tell him every time but it made things worse and it was constantly tense and horrible where as now I let it wash over me and after I can feel ok and I need to feel ok for the kids.

OP posts:
Otter71 · 30/03/2020 09:42

I stayed with a man for 20 years who was charming to the outside world but thought that it was OK to have sex from behind when I was sleeping, try to get off as he drove among other things like controlling what I wore, getting rid of the clothes I really like when I was out in the name of helping me clear out, painting my face to suit him etc.
I stayed too long to try and get to a position where I could be self sufficient and have the kids cos he had always threatened that my stupid shifts would mean that I couldn't care for them so he would keep them
They are now teenagers. Both have stayed wit him and seem to believe that I am as irrelevant as he always said. I got it wrong and lost my kids
Contact the women's centre, get help to get out while they are still young. Report every episode of forced sex or coercive control to the police. Make sure you are known as not safe in your own home. Pack what you need for you and your kids and get help to get out. Good luck.

NoMoreDickheads · 30/03/2020 11:12

I mean I guess this kind of thing happens a lot in normal marriages

No, in most marriages the husband doesn't grind on the wife or bend her over or flip up her skirt when she's making a sandwich. This is not normal or common at all. He is rapey.

Icantbelieveitsnotnutter · 30/03/2020 13:41

I really hope you can get help asap. He sounds awful Flowers

FallonSwift · 30/03/2020 14:10

I mean I guess this kind of thing happens a lot in normal marriages

I've been with my husband for 20 years and he's never, ever done any of the things that your husband does to you. It's not normal and you know it's not.

LannieDuck · 30/03/2020 18:44

He's a bully - both to you and to your children.

The way to deal with bullies is to stand up to them, but you've been so worn down that you'll need some support to do that, OP. You may find the strength when your children get old enough to start to standing up to him (and take the fall-out themselves), but I hope you're able to leave him before it gets that far.

Keep trying WA when you can - unfortunately they're probably horribly over-whelmed at the moment :(

LannieDuck · 30/03/2020 18:44

Just to add: "I mean I guess this kind of thing happens a lot in normal marriages"

No, I can honestly say that none of what you describe has ever happened in my marriage.

Icantbelieveitsnotnutter · 30/03/2020 20:49

He needs his balls squeezing until he shrieks.....

Chickencuddle · 30/03/2020 21:41

I'm so tired. So so so so tired of everything. Had a cry today. He hasn't really done anything wrong today but ignored me alot and when I'm trying to get the kids engaged in school work he will suddenly suggest something fun they would love to do and it's taken so much coaxing and persuasion to get them to sit quietly and then he does that. I tried so many times today and every time. Then he doesnt even play with them just sits there on his phone. Everytime I do anything that isnt with the kids even for example going to the toilet he will shout my name over and over telling me something needs doing or whatever. I loved the first few weeks isolating with kids now I just feel on edge.
He also said something like "everything will increase now. Domestic abuse at home will increase." I felt like he could see right through me and he repeated it twice. It's just me feeling guilty but sometimes feel like he can read my mind.

OP posts:
Seaside1234 · 31/03/2020 02:17

He hasn’t really done anything wrong today? Except everything you’ve just described?

First up, massive hugs. You have done nothing wrong, and this is shit.

But how do you see this ever ending? Do you think one day he’ll get up and just stop doing all this, be a different guy? I know you probably hope that, but I also hope you know that’s not true. I’m not an expert, but there must be a way of contacting Women’s Aid right now without him knowing? Is there nowhere you could go to? Lockdown or not, the official advice is clear that people can leave abusive relationships (and yes, that is you). The issuing threats you describe is deeply concerning. Please get yourself and your kids somewhere safe x

Chickencuddle · 31/03/2020 12:27

Well what I mean is that tlyesterday was annoying but he wasnt doing anything wrong really just annoying.
Today he woke up I could tell he was in a bad mood. A million questions over every little thing when I'm already overwhelmed trying to do everything for the three kids and if I don't answer straight away or I say "erm one sec. " he just repeats my name over and over.
I tried calming him down. Sometimes the best way is to be really calm myself and say thank you for Tiny things and say how much I love him. So I gave him a hug and said thanks so much for doing the dishes. I love you. He rummage in the cutlery drawer and brought out the biggest knife we had and said. "I love you too. To death" then he laughed I laughed too but I walked out the room and felt a bit unnerved. I took the kids outside in the garden to have some space then came in and was just giving them lunch. Youngest who is a toddler knocked over a cup of water. It only had a little bit if water in and was easy to clean up but he bellowed at her and said she was a bad girl. :( I'm feeling so tense I hate this and I cant wait for when this is all over.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 31/03/2020 12:40

His every move is designed to torture you OP.

You poor woman.

God help you.
God help your children.

What a horror of a man.

Nothing, absolutely nothing you write, is part of a normal relationship.

Flowers
TeaForTara · 31/03/2020 12:44

OMG, that is absolutely terrifying. You have to get yourself and your DC out of that situation IMMEDIATELY. He is threatening to kill you. And one day he will.

You say he didn't do anything wrong the previous day, but he thwarted your every effort to settle the children to do homework - not an accident - he didn't let you have a minute to yourself even to go to the toilet, he demands your attention every time you're busy with something else, then if you're not busy with something else, he ignores you and plays on his phone.

I seriously believe that your life is in danger. Two women a week are killed by their partner or ex partner; please don't be the next. There's a case in the news today where a whole family is dead (including the dog) but the police aren't looking for anyone else. I'd be very surprised if it's not the case that the husband has killed the wife and kids and then himself.

TeaForTara · 31/03/2020 12:48

Oh and here's another one:

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-south-yorkshire-52103536

Quartz2208 · 31/03/2020 12:48

OP the police will still come out even now. The slightest fear you have this will escalate please call

Chickencuddle · 31/03/2020 13:11

He was only joking he didnt actually threaten to kill me.

OP posts:
1AngelicFruitCake · 31/03/2020 13:18

Oh. My. God. I’m a teacher and I can tell you this will be affecting the children but they don’t even realise it because it’s normal to them. Get out. If not for yourself for your poor children. I’m scared for you. I rarely post on threads but this sent shivers down my spine reading it.