Feel like husband doesn't care

[Chickencuddle]

Feel like his priorities are football and sex and then the kids and everything else and then me at the bottom. I know I sound like a spoiled brat. But I dont need much. Just feel like he doesnt care about me.
For example I have been very poorly recently ended up in a and e and still feeling very ill on the way home from A and E he grabbed my hand and made me touch his boner. I was like why have you got a boner now. He was just like "can you sort it out for me."
The kids were asleep in the back but could have woken up at any minute. I said no u felt awful and anyway the kids are in the back and it's not right to do hat when they are there.
He was all aww you could just Bob your head down or use your hand and be discreet.
Etc.
I was talking seriously the other day about going back to work to help with Bill's etc. Maybe doing a short course to get back into work. He wasnt really listening and then just said
Aye well you dont have to sell your body in the meantime.
I was like what? As if I would ever do that and I just feel like that's all he thinks I'm good for.
Asked him to watch the kids for an hour the other day because I was feeling so ill I thought I might pass out and he just complained about not being able to watch football.
The only time he hugs me or is nice to me is if he wants something.
Everything is a sexual innuendo and always dry humping me. I just feel like a piece of meat someti.es and just wish he would back off. Let me get better and be caring.
Am I being a brat or what?

OP - the text from his step mum : ""if theres anything ever going on we can always help you out we can always work things out no matter what.""

do you think she suspects things aren't all exactly what they seem in the relationship and is offering support?

that's another way of looking at it

I'm not saying to immediately contact her and unburden yourself as that could be very dangerous but just suggesting you may not ultimately be quite as alone as you think you will be if and when you do leave

The text from his step mum is encouraging. She is offering help and support for you and her (step) gc.
I wouldn't advise texting or emailing her. I would be wary of a written trail. Is it possible to talk face to face with her? Perhaps if you were both in a kitchen alone, making a cup tea(say) and you could quietly mention how happy you were to get that text.

She sent the text to YOU. She was definitely reaching out to you.

OP, you said that she sent the text the other day and they were visiting recently. This makes me think that perhaps she saw the dynamics and the way your DH is treating you and she is reaching out to you. People outside can often see things as they are, just as we can see it on this thread, when you describe his daily behaviour and we can see it being abusive.

That's the kind of text I'd send to someone if I thought they were in trouble but wouldn't want to rock the boat if they didn't want help.
Could you reply 'thanks for the message, maybe we could talk sometime?'
This leaves it vague and open enough for you to find out what she's thinking about the situation.

Hes not being too bad atm but I'm tired and weak. I had a tooth pulled the other day and the pain is so bad atm. I cant handle thinking about anything with this and having the kids and the Corona virus. I'm very high risk for this so its worrying. I cant go anywhere or do anything which I'm guessing is why he only calls me once or twice a day now...he knows I'm at home with the kids.

The message I'm not sure. I've been poorly and thought that might be why.
They live in another country so I cant really speak to her face to face. She knows hes controlling. She has said it to me herself but laughed about it like "oh what's he like" but I know her husband (husbands dad) is the same too.

Please don't talk to anyone about this OP. Not his step mum, not your friend, no one. For all we know she'll make well meaning overtures by acting as an intermediary and repeating everything back that you've said which could escalate the situation.

I'm sorry to hear about your tooth and that you're anxious.

Thanks kbm. No I wont talk to anyone.
I just feel a bit like....theres no point trying. I cant do anything with this Coronavirus going about can I. I'm stuck. So maybe stick tight for now. Keep the peace as much as I can
Stroke his ego. Then look at things again when this has all passed.

You're doing really well. Keep logging incidents, like this if you can: Date/time started-finished/incident/how it made you feel/evidence/witnesses

For example:

21/03/2020 10.45-11.23am Husband kept criticising me. Followed me around the house. Kept laughing at what I was saying. It made me feel inadequate and embarrassed. I felt like I couldn't do anything and was useless. Witnessed by my friend who was collecting her children.

There's a lot you can still do. You can take a look at various websites for information and prepare yourself. Check out benefit and child maintenance calculators. Find out what docs are needed for divorce. Research solicitors.

I'm sorry WA haven't been in contact. I can only assume they are now closing up. You do have the emergency contact number which is 24/7 and of course, contact the police should he attack you.

I'm struggling. Hes been at home 2 days I cant imagine weeks. Will log some incidents when have time later. Worried

I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling.

2 days only - and there have already been incidents?

Can you tell us more - are your worries different now compared to before?

Why are you worried? Do you think he's moving towards violence? You need to get back in contact with the Domestic Violence Helpline: 0808 802 1414 or email: [email protected] or contact your local Women's Aid and work out a safety plan with them OP.

Do it now before things escalate further.

Someone had probably already mentioned it but early itt you mentioned childcare a d the cost op - to the very best of my knowledge you get 85% of childcare paid.as lo.g as you use a registered nursery/day care or childminder.

*as long as.

That's what CAB advisor and a single mum I know told me anyway.

I will just write the thing that worries me most as not much time right now.
So basically kids were having a water fight which he had agreed to (have to ask as know what hes like)but then he got stressed at water going everywhere outside
instead of in one designated spot etc so I suggested instead of watertight they could still use their watergguns but on the car and we could wash the car. DH agreed and they started washing the car. I didnt see what happened as I was inside setting out homework but I heard him yelling at the top of his lungs "GET INSIDE NOW. NOW! I TOLD YOU TO GET INSIDE."
They had only been out 2 minutes.
Dd came in absolutely beside herself and soaking wet with cold water.
She was crying and said
" i accidentally splashed daddy. I was washing the car with the hose and it sprayed on him. And he sprayed me with cold water right in my face with the hose and pushed me."
I was fuming I confronted him when he came in. He said that he was speaking to the neighbour and she sprayed him 3 times (he wasnt wet so must have only been a tiny bit.) He said he gave her back the hose which sprayed her and pushed her gently like moving her inside.
I think the truth lies in the middle. I know dd can exaggerate and especially if shes angry or upset but she was soaked wet through and freezing. And i heard him Yelling. I wish I could speak to the neighbour he was talking to.
I told dd it's never ok for someone to push you or make you feel scared and that she should feel safe at home. I told her well done for telling me and always tell me if something like that happens again. I wanted to say more but was worried what she would say in front of husband.
When he came in he said to her it was her fault and that she made him look like the bad guy in front of the neighbour when she was the bad guy :(
Sorry for long message.

OP can you please make a safety plan? Have you any idea if the Women's Aid you are in contact with are still open? Perhaps they can help you make a safety plan via email. If not, the DV helpline, I put the number above, should help you.

I'm not sure if they are open but I guess not as they still havnt emailed me? I cant phone the helpline he is here all the time now. We are always together. I'll have a look online to it about making a safety plan. I dont think he would ever hit the kids. But he has a temper if thigs dont go his way or how hes expecting them to

What do you think of what happened today? He downplayed it and said he didnt do anything wrong again he makes me feel I'm overreacting. As I say I didnt see it just heard and then got 2 stories.

I believe dd btw just dont know what push would mean. If he loved her to the side she would say he pushed her or he could have really pushed her.
Other things happened to me yesterday but it's not as important and very mild.

truthfully that he is an incredibly abusive man and father and if your DD starts saying things at school safeguarding actions would be in play and SS involved. Sadly OP I think SS involvement may help you in this case get the help you need

Hitting is one very small part of abuse - he ticks every single other box and I worry that this lockdown is going to inflame that box as well

We'll make a safety plan together OP. It seems as though is behaviour may escalate given how you're all going to be on lockdown, perhaps for the next few months.

You'll have to help me out as I don't know where you are in NI (please don't tell me for safety reasons).

First of all and only if it's safe to do so, please prepare small bags for the children and yourself. You can see what to pack here.

I want you to have a think about what you would do in an emergency situation and have to flee. Various things to think about:

1. Is there a 'safe room' in the house? The kitchen is never safe as it has lots of sharp implements so please manoeuvre any arguments away from the kitchen if at all possible. Try not to go to a room where you may get trapped. You want to get somewhere with a patio door or big windows you can climb out of or access to the front or back door.

1. If you can get out of the house where would you go? Have a think about this. Contact the DV helpline and ask them where to go since you can't go to another household due to the virus. Perhaps the nearest police station or a refuge.

1. Can you drive? If you have your own car then it may be an idea to keep spare keys in the car at all times. Make sure there is petrol in it.

1. Hide the bags somewhere easily accessible in the house or, if he doesn't go in your car, perhaps under a blanket in the boot.

1. Practice dialling 999 with the children. Tell your husband it's because of the virus should they need to contact the emergency services.

1. Keep phones charged at all times.

1. Keep money on you, keep some in the escape bags and perhaps some in the car. Divide it out in case you can't get to it in a hurry.

1. Rehearse an escape plan, so in an emergency you and the children can get away safely. Tell your husband you're playing a game.

I know he's with you all the time but you can pack a bag while doing the laundry for example where he won't see what you're doing. You can put documents in them one by one over several days while pretending to do something else.

Quartz Im worried things will get worse too.
Kbm thank you so much again for all the info. I'm sorry I hope you understand that at the moment alot of those things are impossible for me. He follows me about slot. If he cant see me will come to see where I am or what I'm doing. I have no card or money atm. He has all our documents and IDs locked up somewhere and I'm not sure where.
Ive already taught the kids how to dial 999. Our best escape route is really only through the front door. Which is through a hallway. We dont have any spare keys or anything. And I cant phone anywhere he is always with me or near me.
I can think where we would go etc. I really dont think it will come down to an emergency situation

OP, I'm glad to hear the children know how to dial 999. You have no idea what may happen and, if you don't have to utilise the safety plan, that's great news but it's best to prepare.

When you say he follows you everywhere, if you were folding laundry would he stand there watching you?

He might or he might stand in the kitchen and talk to me which is in the next room and the door doesnt close. I'd be more worried about him catching me. 90% of the time he is with me or around me and if I go off to do something he will check on me a lot of the time so I wont feel safe to do anything like that.

Just do what you can and obviously, don't do anything you think may be unsafe.

Ok thanks kbm.