Feel like husband doesn't care

[Chickencuddle]

Feel like his priorities are football and sex and then the kids and everything else and then me at the bottom. I know I sound like a spoiled brat. But I dont need much. Just feel like he doesnt care about me.
For example I have been very poorly recently ended up in a and e and still feeling very ill on the way home from A and E he grabbed my hand and made me touch his boner. I was like why have you got a boner now. He was just like "can you sort it out for me."
The kids were asleep in the back but could have woken up at any minute. I said no u felt awful and anyway the kids are in the back and it's not right to do hat when they are there.
He was all aww you could just Bob your head down or use your hand and be discreet.
Etc.
I was talking seriously the other day about going back to work to help with Bill's etc. Maybe doing a short course to get back into work. He wasnt really listening and then just said
Aye well you dont have to sell your body in the meantime.
I was like what? As if I would ever do that and I just feel like that's all he thinks I'm good for.
Asked him to watch the kids for an hour the other day because I was feeling so ill I thought I might pass out and he just complained about not being able to watch football.
The only time he hugs me or is nice to me is if he wants something.
Everything is a sexual innuendo and always dry humping me. I just feel like a piece of meat someti.es and just wish he would back off. Let me get better and be caring.
Am I being a brat or what?

I think maybe I'm calmer because I know now what i need to do. Before i didnt know what to do and just felt so trapped. Now I feel like even if I dont know how yet I will soon and it might be possible.
They havnt emailed yet but she said it would be Wednesday as today is a holiday over here because of st Patrick's day. So I guess I'll hear tomorrow. It's very hard to have even a minute with the kids off school at the moment.

Of course! Happy St Patrick's!

Thanks and to you too.

He sounds gross, seriously what kind of man actually wants a sexual favour in the car with their kids in the back?!

Another thing is we were at a hotel not long ago and kids in same room and he wanted sex. They were literally about 6 ft away from us and I just couldn't and he made me feel so guilty. Woke me up touching me that night and Even the next day going on and on about it but I thought it was just me being a prude.

Its difficult OP because your children are going to start showing worrying signs of overtly sexualised behaviour because of this and if they show it at school safeguarding measures could be put in place

You need some proper advice on what channels to go down to protect your children from him

They were asleep and have never shown sexual behaviour.
I am working on getting advice. Harder now with Corona self isolating etc. But will do my best.

Forgive me OP but I think that your idea normal behaviour is so skewed its harder for you to see. Your children will have been affected by him massively and you need to seek support with that

I'm in no way saying his behaviour is acceptable...more just saying that the children did not see pr hear anything...I didnt actually have sex with him,and they havnt displayed any sexual behaviour at all.
I worry about other things he says around the children. He puts down others ALOT including their friends. He can be snappy and rude and shout. He can fly off the handle
Those would be the things that concern me, but they havnt actually witnessed any sexual behaviour

How you haven't stabbed him I cannot imagine. Well done. You will get through this.

Sent you pm re options and next steps
What he is doing and has done to you is truly shocking
Your poor kids too
I've escaped an abuser but even reading all of this thread has left me shaken :(

You are not over reacting - in fact you are under reacting. And it’s not just sex, it’s suffocating control - your post about the shortbread is breathtaking, so awful, he won’t stop til he has ground you to dust. BUT there is a spark that is now lit in you OP, keep that little flame alive and keep going. Keep hiding some money, keep trying to contact help, keep your thoughts private, and be careful with your phone/ MN in case he finds something.

How are you doing today? Any news?

Did they ring you? How are you holding up? X

Still no email or anything. I'm ok. But my head keeps going back and forth I'm wondering if we could have counselling to sort things. He stopped forcing me to have sex when o threatened to tell someone so maybe he just needs a shock or doesnt realise.

OP please, please don't tell him that you have plans to do anything. You can't go into counselling with an abuser. Your only option here is to get out.

WA are obviously over subscribed in the area but they will get back to you. In the meantime, can you contact any of the other advice agencies to get information on money and other things you're concerned about? It would help set your mind at rest.

If he stops work due to the virus, you won't get another opportunity to get information.

@Chickencuddle... If counselling is an option, it is YOU who should be getting it. ON YOUR OWN.

Never engage in joint counselling with an abuser. He would be totally charming and twist absolutely everything, making himself appear a kind and considerate husband having to appease a mentally unstable wife. He might even succeed in fooling the counsellor!

No. Even the tactic of being with you all the time is a tactic he uses on purpose to make you feel under attack and less likely to do anything against him.
Maybe get your red book out and contact your youngest child's health visitor. Explain you're concerned. They'll have a duty of care to look out for you. Plus they are trained to spot domestic violence. They could refer you to more help?
Don't tell him anything. It'll only get worse. Hold tight!!!!!

Another thing: you asking about joint counselling makes me wonder...

Have you actually read Lundy Bancroft's book? I feel it is really important that you do.

I'm just not sure. I'm waiting for this email as at the moment with the kids home 24 hours a day and chores and someone needing me all the time I dont have time alone to phone and I also dont have time to read anything sorry flower arranger.

He was off Tuesday and half a day yesterday. He was mostly fine. He played board games with the kids. Never angry intact let them et away with anything and almost became a big kid himself shouting and screaming and saying silly things...but constantly I feel awful because hes obviously just trying but I find it suffocating. I cant talk as hes just constantly shouting and saying nonsense. If he isnt talking TO someone he will just talk to himself but really really loudly so I cant even tell the kids anything. He puts music on loud all the time too. Like he just needs constant noise.
Anyway I know that's not abusive just I find it hard to sort dinner or activities or anything while hes here I end up sitting back and waiting for what he decides to do and hardly talk just let him because it's so much effort.
But watching him he was great with the kids and fine with me. Kids loved him and daughter was asking him to get her dressed for the day this morning. Just makes me doubt myself. I mean most of the time hes a great guy.
He had offered to get things for people who are high risk from Corona. Everyone thinks hes amazing. Everyone says how kind and brilliant he is. Dds teacher. Everyone in the community.
Maybe it is me.
Maybe you cant tell from a thread.
More to write but no time right now sorry

Everyone said those things about Jimmy Savile too! He was still an abuser though!

Sorry I couldn't finish before.
So I just think I'm not a perfect person. Noones a perfect person. Sometimes he treats me like the way ge does but does he actually know its unacceptable. Does he think hes just persuading me or whatever. And he hasn't done it in a while now.
Also not phoning me at all now this week. He normally does phone alot but this week maybe one call a day...which I'm fone with but just a sudden change and hes being ok and kids love him. Is there no other option because leaving will devastate the kids.
I'm going to still speak to WA when they get hold of me.
But I'm loving having the kids off school but everything we do in thinking " I couldn't do this if I left. Picnic with no picnic blanket or flask. No baking things. Wouldn't have a car. Wouldn't have anything and no money to buy things.
Also dont think he deserves having his heart broken. I feel like my heart will break too. Hes the only person in my whole life who has ever loved me. Only person who has cared about me.
I got a text from his step mum the other day. They came to visit recently. She said to me something like "if theres anything ever going on we can always help you out we can always work things out no matter what."
It made me wonder why they sent that to me and just made me think. Also would be losing my in laws too. The only little bit of borrowed family I have. It's nice being part of a family.
Sorry my brain is all over the place and I know I was so certain of leaving the other day but I'm just feeling a bit all over the place. I'm still going to talk to womens aid but I'm just indecisive on what to do.

Picnic with no picnic blanket or flask. No baking things

I'm sure you'd be able to run to these- have you looked what you'd be entitled to?

Also dont think he deserves having his heart broken

Oh, he does. He's a rapist and a sexual abuser, for a start.

Only person who has cared about me

Other people do and will care about you- you come across as a likeable person. xx

I'm so sorry I l know everyone must be getting so frustrated with me just ignore me. I will figure it out. It's just alot to get my head round and I know I will work through this eventually for now my head is just a mess and it doesnt help I'm up all night every night with youngest so I'm just tired and not thinking straight. Just ignore me. Sorry everyone to constantly be switching you've all been so helpful I'm sorry I'm so useless.
I will get my shit together at some point.

It's ok to waver between wanting to leave and wanting to stay. It's fine. It's very common in abusive relationships. Nobody will blame you for it (or if they do, you should ignore them.) It all feels quite overwhelming at times and that's normal.

I know you say you haven't time to read anything but the suggestions upthread would really help you to see your situation for what it is.

Keep posting. It's fine to express doubts. So many posters on here have been through similar and understand how difficult it is to get your head round it. So many women think "It's not abuse because he doesn't hit me." Abuse takes many forms and it's a lot easier to spot when you're not enmeshed in it.

I will get my shit together at some point.

Yes, you will. I believe in you.