Feel like husband doesn't care

[Chickencuddle]

Feel like his priorities are football and sex and then the kids and everything else and then me at the bottom. I know I sound like a spoiled brat. But I dont need much. Just feel like he doesnt care about me.
For example I have been very poorly recently ended up in a and e and still feeling very ill on the way home from A and E he grabbed my hand and made me touch his boner. I was like why have you got a boner now. He was just like "can you sort it out for me."
The kids were asleep in the back but could have woken up at any minute. I said no u felt awful and anyway the kids are in the back and it's not right to do hat when they are there.
He was all aww you could just Bob your head down or use your hand and be discreet.
Etc.
I was talking seriously the other day about going back to work to help with Bill's etc. Maybe doing a short course to get back into work. He wasnt really listening and then just said
Aye well you dont have to sell your body in the meantime.
I was like what? As if I would ever do that and I just feel like that's all he thinks I'm good for.
Asked him to watch the kids for an hour the other day because I was feeling so ill I thought I might pass out and he just complained about not being able to watch football.
The only time he hugs me or is nice to me is if he wants something.
Everything is a sexual innuendo and always dry humping me. I just feel like a piece of meat someti.es and just wish he would back off. Let me get better and be caring.
Am I being a brat or what?

Well done for speaking them OP. Does she want you to go there? Is it far?

She asked my address and she said theres a lady that works in my area but instead of phoning because I dont know when Is safe she will email to meet up. If we meet up it will be close by or she may come to my house I'm not sure.
Feel good for phoning. But also really anxious. But at least that parts done with.

Do you feel relieved? You've been really, really brave. I'm glad they're going to meet you part way or at your place as I know it's difficult for you to travel.

Please don't tell anyone about this OP. Don't tell your friend or anyone. Try to remain calm and act as normal as you can until you can meet up with the WA adviser.

Re Social Services. It's unlikely that anyone is going to swoop in and take the children. You're taking steps to get out and keep them safe and everyone will work with you towards that.

I felt relieved and strong right after I'd spoke to her. I felt good. But I've been thinking and worrying about it. I asked if it would stay confidential and she said it would unless they had worries about the children or myself and then it's not? If they think someone could come to harm.
To speak to them I had to take the kids in the garden then I hid in the treehouse talking to them. It gave me a bit of a smile thinking how I looked sat on a miniature seat in a little toy house.
My friend came round to pick up her little girl and I didnt tell her though she would probably be one of my closest friends here. But I cant imagine saying anything everyone thinks wr have a perfect life.
I'm scared of so many things and worried about so many things but I also feel like I cant go on like this so although it may be hard and scary and upsetting I think I have to do it.
I keep going back and forth but I do think we need to split up right now. Will probably change my mind a million times before tomorrow.

Just take it one step at a time. No one is forcing you to do anything and WA will follow your lead.

Yes, they have a duty to report if you or the children are in danger.

I know it would be really good to tell your friend but unfortunately, she's a mutual friend and her husband is friends with yours. We don't know if that's safe for you so it's best not to risk it.

It is quite funny talking to WA in a tree house! Great idea for privacy though.

I'm delighted that you feel strong. Can you feel it coming back after being powerless for so long? A sense of empowerment and control. Feels great, right?

It did feel nice to be able to take control a little bit.
But I'm still doubting everything and feel like what if it's me making it sound worse than it is. Or what will happen if I leave and the house and the car etc
How he will react and his family and our friends.
What happens if I get seriously sick with the kids and have noone. What if something happens in the house and I dont know how to deal with it. What about my kids hobbies. School etc
But like you said tske it one step at a time.
Does danger just mean physical abuse?

Well done op! You are doing so so well. Try not to worry about all the what ifs just take one day at a time and all of those things will fall into place. I know it seems so overwhelming but it will be worth all this worry in the end when you and your children are safe and happy. Stay strong xx

Danger means at risk of serious injury or death. Although it's unhealthy for them to be around emotional abuse, they will work with you to escape that. If they think you or the children are at risk of serious injury, then they'll get other people involved.

One step at a time. Just think about the meeting with the adviser for now. Wait for her email and sort that out. Wait to see what she says.

You know, you can contact one of the advice agencies to answer some of your questions while you're waiting to hear from her but I know you're reluctant to do that. It would set your mind at rest to have some information.

People separate and divorce every day and they manage OP, you're going to be ok.

Thank you. Husband is off work tomorrow so I'll have a look Wednesday if I havnt had an email I'll contact one of the other numbers.
I know...I guess I just feel very alone I presume that most people have someone. A family member. A close friend. I feel like I'm all alone. I am all alone really. I have my children and I'm so grateful and they are my world and I'm happy day to day with them just worry if anything happens to me and having no support. I guess I have very little support already but u do have husband if theres an emergency. But anyway not much I can do about it. Worrying wont help.

Hopefully you can build a support network OP. I don't think you quite realise how isolating your marriage has been.

See if WA have any support groups you can join. You'll meet lots of lovely women there. What about your course? Other mums at the school?

You've been with your husband for a long time and it's natural to feel frightened of being without him but it's better to be alone than being abused.

This is absolutely abusive and you're not overreacting in the slightest.

You've done so well to phone WA. You're doing all the right things.

Your husband sounds very like my grandad in terms of his behaviour. Although he's been a good grandad to me and my cousins, he is a rotten husband and was a terrible father. My mother has struggled all her life with her upbringing, but the real loser is my gran. She always talked about leaving him, has always been healthy and active for her age, but a few months ago she had a fall, and now she really and truly is trapped. In hindsight she could have left him at any point over the last 50 years, even with no job and 3 kids, but now she can't, he's still horrible to her, and that's her life forever now.

Get out while you can OP, you are young, healthy, and have three lovely children, being on your own with them/jobhunting/being skint will never be as difficult as your life is right now, trying to survive this marriage.

I'm not doing a course yet kbm I was hoping to but now probably wont be able to ignore i leave. As noone to watch the kids.
I do see mums at school and would be friends with a few of them but because it's such a small village school everyone knows everyone and they are all mutual friends with DH or at least the husbands are.

Queenofthevegpatch I'm sorry for your gran :( that's awful. Are all your family aware. Could they help her in any way?

But also thinking if I was away from DH I could invite friends over when I want. He dorsnt like friends coming round doesnt really even like me looking after other peoples children. Like today he was annoyed. Theres so many times I would have loved to have friends round but i dont ad i know he wouldn't like it. So maybe i can think of that for the future too.

Excellent to know you're taking positive steps forward! Keep it up!! 😁

He has deliberately isolated you, @Chickencuddle. He wants you to be vulnerable, dependent, trapped. He does not see you as a person in your own right, and he has no respect for your needs. He isn't just a nasty sexpest, he actually enjoys making you miserable. It is satisfying to him to see you anxious, cowered and fearful.

It is impossible for a kind-hearted person like yourself to understand why someone who professes to love you would want to be this, but it is nevertheless real. He will not change - this is who he is.

@Chickencuddle I have just read all of this for the first time and it is heartbreaking. Please believe me when I say it is enough to end your marriage over, and in doing so you are doing the best thing for your children. It seems that you have got in the habit of trying to keep the peace and make sure that everyone else is happy, especially him, but you matter too. Right now, the first thing you and your children need is to be safe. You won't necessarily feel happy straight away when you are away from him, but you will feel safer and the rest will come.

I too used to think that if he didn't hit me, it wasn't abuse. It is. I just didn't know that there were other types of abuse. My ex used to pester me for sex too, and there were times when he would attempt to overcome every objection I raised e.g. I'm tired - I'll be quick, I have my period - I'll put a towel under you etc. No matter what I said he would continue to try to get me to agree. Now I look back and I wonder what sort of man wants to have sex with a woman who clearly doesn't want to.

I was in a much stronger position than you, I worked and had a good income. It was very hard to explain to people why I had ended the relationship, as it is very intimate and even if I was open about it they didn't get that it's not okay. The friends you have told are the same, they haven't lived through it and cannot imagine what it is really like to be sexually abused. They mean well, but they don't know. That is something you will have to accept, but you have lots of support here and at Women's Aid.

I am thousands of miles away but if I had the means to rent a home for you and your children and get you started on your new, safe life, I would do it in a heartbeat.

Omg annabell my dh says exactly the same thing when I'm on my period. And says things like: "well I dont care" "you can sleep after" "I'll be quick"qnd when all his words dont work he will just start getting on top of me. Putting his dick in my face. Touching me even if I tell him I dont want it.
I remember one time I found sex painful I went to the doctor so many times and they tested and checked everything. But ended up saying maybe it was psychological. During this time when sex was painful my DH was not understanding at all and would go on and on and I ended up starting to just give in. He knew it was hurting I was gritting my teeth and in so much pain but he was ok with that as long as he got some.

This is so horrendous. I'm actually crying as im reading this. Please persist with WA, tell them everything, don't hold back.

It makes me feel wierd that people think it's so horrendous. It doesnt feel that bad. And this is why I feel like I'm over exaggerating because everyone is reacting like it's really bad but it doesnt feel that bad if it makes sense.
Last night friend called me. Very very rarely happens. She was telling me to stay safe with this Corona virus as I've been poorly and had breathing difficulties. She was telling me I need to take care of myself etc. Being very lovely. Husband asked a million questions about it and still going on about it this morning saying "oh of course if ...... says it then you should do it" in a sarcastic voice and saying she probably phoned everyone she knows to say the same thing (said that to me 4 times) also said she is being manipulative and is so controlling. I ended up agreeing because I know if I dont he will be grumpy and shouty and short tempered all day. Whereas I'd I end up agreeing with him he will be calmer and happier.

It is good that you are observing and noting what's going on. By all means appear to agree. It's safer...

BUT... keep your eye on the prize. And keep on eating that elephant .

Your time WILL come

Your husband sees anyone outside the relationship as a threat. The pain you felt sounds like vaginismus which is due to the constant sexual abuse you were suffering.

The reason it doesn't seem horrendous to you is because you were brought up in a dysfunctional environment, so this is a continuation of that. You haven't known anything else. It's why a programme such as the Freedom Programme is so helpful for those who have been abused. Some survivors have simply never experienced a healthy relationship and have no idea what it feels like not to be abused. They go from one abusive relationship to another because it's what feels familiar to them.

I ended up agreeing because I know if I dont he will be grumpy and shouty and short tempered all day
Yes but you are not really agreeing with him, you are humouring him to make life easy for yourself, this is a strategy for the purposes of protecting yourself
you're playing the long game
he is only playing the short game and he doesn't know you're playing the long game

He has been fine today. But even without being controlling or snappy he is really annoying me. Sorry that sounds so childish. But when he is at home I just cant relax. Everything I do he analysis and watches over the make sure I'm doing it the way he wants. I dont est treats around him because i know he will make a comment. So today i fancies some chocolate but didnt because he was watching me look in the cupboard and i didnt want to give him the satisfaction of making a joke about me eating it.
He breathes down my neck constantly. I'm making dinner and he follows me about watching what I'm doing. And making little comments.
I was baking shortbread with the kids. And with 3 it's a little chaotic and he kept asking questions about anything and everything. It's like just because my attention isnt on him he will then constantly ask questions. I said "sorry one second let me just do this." Because kids were asking me questions youngest was trying to tip over the flour and making shortbread at same time. He was like "you cannot multitask at all can you." But then he kept going on "mummy just cant multitask at all can she?" " ooooo mummy is getting stressed now" I said no I'm not I'm fine thanks we are having fun making these biscuits. (If you would just go away.) He just went back to commenting about the multitasking again. I ignored it.
He has barely helped all day with anything I run about making dinner cleaning bathing kids and he sits there on his phone.
He puts on xbox or TV for kids if ever they are being too noisy or annoying him. Which I hate.
Our day off together Monday was lovely and I love being with them. Everything is so much calmer and happier. Think I'm just overthinking now but I cant wait for him to go back to work tomorrow.

It sounds like you're doing really, really well holding it all together. I can almost hear relief in the way you're talking as though you feel a bit lighter.

Have WA been back in contact with an appointment? If not, do you think you can manage to contact Gingerbread tomorrow and find out some information?

Shortbread sounds lovely and it's such a shame that he spoiled what could have been a lovely thing for the children to do.