Feel like husband doesn't care

[Chickencuddle]

Feel like his priorities are football and sex and then the kids and everything else and then me at the bottom. I know I sound like a spoiled brat. But I dont need much. Just feel like he doesnt care about me.
For example I have been very poorly recently ended up in a and e and still feeling very ill on the way home from A and E he grabbed my hand and made me touch his boner. I was like why have you got a boner now. He was just like "can you sort it out for me."
The kids were asleep in the back but could have woken up at any minute. I said no u felt awful and anyway the kids are in the back and it's not right to do hat when they are there.
He was all aww you could just Bob your head down or use your hand and be discreet.
Etc.
I was talking seriously the other day about going back to work to help with Bill's etc. Maybe doing a short course to get back into work. He wasnt really listening and then just said
Aye well you dont have to sell your body in the meantime.
I was like what? As if I would ever do that and I just feel like that's all he thinks I'm good for.
Asked him to watch the kids for an hour the other day because I was feeling so ill I thought I might pass out and he just complained about not being able to watch football.
The only time he hugs me or is nice to me is if he wants something.
Everything is a sexual innuendo and always dry humping me. I just feel like a piece of meat someti.es and just wish he would back off. Let me get better and be caring.
Am I being a brat or what?

I didn't know that OP, that she's a mutual friend. In that case, she's not a safe person for you to trust. She may be relaying information to her husband who is telling yours. It's too dangerous.

Can you leave your children with their father for a few hours and go out somewhere like the supermarket?

You need to help me here OP and start coming up with your own ideas. Rather than me suggesting something and you batting it away, perhaps you can think of a way of getting out of the house to make some calls?

We cross posted

Its hard because he likes to go everywhere together and that's what we have done for years so if I suddenly go put on my own it will be so suspicious. Probably best to wait until hes at work?
I'm sorry to be sp useless I just cant think of anything that i can do it's so hard. I'm sorry. You dont have to help me kbm. I'll be ok and I'll figure it out.

I understand that that's what he normally does OP. You're the one who doesn't want to wait until Wed so perhaps you can come up with something that gets you out of the house for a few hours, otherwise your only option is emailing Women's Aid first thing tomorrow and talking to them via email until you have time to talk on the phone. You can also email the advice line, the email address is up thread.

So it seems as though you have three options:

1. Email the advice line and WA
2. Find an excuse to get out of the house, leaving him with the children while you make calls
3. Wait till he's back at work

You don't have the option of telling him you want to leave as it's too dangerous and would put him on high alert to you leaving. He'd watch every move you made.

I think ill email womens aid but ive phined and they didnt get back to me. So will see if they email. Ill then phone when hes at work. Theres no way i can get out the house without him being really suspucious or constantly phoning.

Oh my dear girl, it is so hard to read your updates without being able to help you in a concrete way. You are so alone and isolated, I can't even begin to comprehend how hard this must be. You are doing really well just staying sane and continuing to look after your precious children within this utterly toxic relationship. It may not seem so to you, but you are really strong - tough even!

You WILL get through this and ultimately come out the victor. I know all the advice you've been given, whilst useful, is also quite overwhelming. But can you start with these 3 things:

1. Persist with Women's Aid; they are likely to provide the most concrete and practical help for you. They are overwhelmed, but once you make contact and tell your story (have some notes ready!), they will help you.

1. Read WHY DOES HE DO THAT by Lundy Bancroft; it will help you recognize how you are being controlled and abused, and find ways to free yourself of this toxic relationship. Here are some pertinent quotes from the book, if reading it in its entirety is too much for you right now:

www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/131380.Lundy_Bancroft
www.mindingtherapy.com/male-abusers-lundy-bancroft/

Lastly, when you have a bit more time to yourself, skim through this thread and make a list of resources and useful advice, for you to tackle when you feel up to it.

And do keep posting here for support

OP has he been like this throughout your marriage? If so, you've basically been held prisoner for a decade. You can't go shopping by yourself for an hour, leaving your children at home with their father. It's something women do every single day of the week, yet you can't do that without making your husband 'suspicious' and being subjected to a barrage of calls.

Do you see how unhealthy and controlling that is?

What do you think the repercussions would be if you went out, didn't answer the phone and came back in an hour?

He hasn't needed to hit you OP, in order to keep you in line. You're terrified of him already. He's a terrorist.

Don't warn him that you're going to leave, make your plans out of sight and get yourself gone before he has a chance to do anything to stop you

Thank you flower arranger. Ill do all those things.
Kbm i dont know when ot sfarted. When we were younger beforw we got married i would go out with friends. He would alwsys phone alot but thay was it. Gradually over time i think and maybe since having the kids ive stopped going out. I do see my friends during the week sometimes when the kids are in school but when hes home he likes us to all be together.
I think maybe my personality is the probkem too. I often try to keep the peace and do things for other people please others rather than myself. Ive always been like that. Maybe its not all him and its partly my personality. We jsve just come to a kids party and the baby fell asleep in the car i said i would wsit with her while he went in. He wasnt keen but in the end i stayed in the car. Ive just tried to phone womens aid in my area but they are closed until tomorrow.

OP, it's not your personality at all, it's the way you have been brought up. You were brought up in a dysfunctional household where you appeased your parents. These are all learned traits from when you were young.

I'm really sorry things have got this bad and am so pleased that you tried to phone WA again as it shows how you're really fighting here. You are a fighter OP. It's probably what attracted him to you in the first place. Instead of cherishing you for it, he got off on pushing you down and controlling you.

It's coming back, I can tell. I think you're now seeing this for what it is and realise that it can't go on which is a massive step. I'm just concerned that you're not going to be safe if he senses a change.

If you just called and husband is around now OP, perhaps you can call tomorrow too? I wish there was more I could do from here but it's just a matter of waiting for you to connect up with the right agencies and get the ball rolling.

I'll try to call tomorrow but have all 3 kids plus dds friend over tomorrow they are all off school. I'll see how I get on. I think hes getting suspicious that the last month before I even started this thread I started going to bed early. Straight after the kids. Every night hes asking me about it. I am honestly so tired though. But often I do stay awake in bed for a bit. I'm trying my best to act normal but I feel really guilty.

And thank you so much for your kind words.

Could you go to the hairdressers on your own and make the call then?

I have been wanting to go to the hairdressers for so long. It means waiting for husband to be able to have all kids. I've been asking him for so long. Not had it cut since September. Hes at work this week so hopefully get a time I can phone

Have you managed to call or email today OP?

@Chickencuddle You've nothing to feel guilty about. xxxxx

I rang but they told me they would call back. Very difficult with having the kids with me. I took them to the park just si I could phone but even then dd came running up asking who I was on the phone to. I had to fob but worried she will tell husband hopefully she will just forget.

Well done for phoning. Normally they would arrange to speak to you when you've got time and space. Is that what's happening? Otherwise I don't understand why they keep fobbing you off. You could say the call was a cold caller if he asks.

They just keep saying they are busy and will call back when someone is free.

Oh I see. They must be very oversubscribed. I hope they get back to you soon, if not, phone again around 3pm.

Any news?

I got a call back but was busy with kids. Phoned them back and they said they will phone back in a bit.
Not sure what to say when they phone really nervous. Hope they ask me questions and then I can just answer.

They close at 5pm so make sure you call by 4:30 if they don't get back to you by then.

OP just say: 'I need help. My husband is abusive. He's controlling and sexually assaults me. I need help to leave.'

They've heard it all before, they won't judge. They'll just try to help.

You're doing really well. Remember how desperate you were at the weekend? Keep trying.

Sorry I've just seen this message. I got a call
So scary. They asked what's been going on I told them A few bits not all of it.
She said she would get someone to email me to talk about meeting up I think to speak about things.
I'm worried because she asked kids ages etc worried they will contact social services.