Feel like husband doesn't care

[Chickencuddle]

Feel like his priorities are football and sex and then the kids and everything else and then me at the bottom. I know I sound like a spoiled brat. But I dont need much. Just feel like he doesnt care about me.
For example I have been very poorly recently ended up in a and e and still feeling very ill on the way home from A and E he grabbed my hand and made me touch his boner. I was like why have you got a boner now. He was just like "can you sort it out for me."
The kids were asleep in the back but could have woken up at any minute. I said no u felt awful and anyway the kids are in the back and it's not right to do hat when they are there.
He was all aww you could just Bob your head down or use your hand and be discreet.
Etc.
I was talking seriously the other day about going back to work to help with Bill's etc. Maybe doing a short course to get back into work. He wasnt really listening and then just said
Aye well you dont have to sell your body in the meantime.
I was like what? As if I would ever do that and I just feel like that's all he thinks I'm good for.
Asked him to watch the kids for an hour the other day because I was feeling so ill I thought I might pass out and he just complained about not being able to watch football.
The only time he hugs me or is nice to me is if he wants something.
Everything is a sexual innuendo and always dry humping me. I just feel like a piece of meat someti.es and just wish he would back off. Let me get better and be caring.
Am I being a brat or what?

I'm just so angry at myself for putting us all in this position. He was horrible to me at the start of the relationship but I didnt see and I still got married and had 3 kids. And now they have been brought in to it. I actually hate myself.
I do see. But now it's hard because I'm seeing it all and I want to get out now. I dont want to be near him but I cant I have to wait and while I wait I feel like theres a ticking time bomb waiting to go off and my heart is pounding. If I had family I would go now to someones house. I would have support but u feel outnumbered and lime theres nowhere to go. I guess I'll feel better after I've phoned.
I'm trying to act normal and still give him little hugs etc. Because I'm scared he will notice.

That's a good idea flower I'll do it when I have more time away from him.

I know it doesn't feel like that OP, but this is you standing on the path to freedom.

It feels hard, it feels like you're at the bottom of a mountain looking up at the top, wondering how you'll get there.

You were brought up in an abusive and dysfunctional home, so the abuse would have felt normal to you.

Hi OP, I'm not an expert but I think how he's behaving towards the kids could well be a build up to it getting really physical.

Women's Aid should be able to help- give them a ring as soon as you feel able. xxx

@Chickencuddle..... You know there is a whole army of Mumsnetters who have your back and will do whatever they can to help you get out of this horrible situation and walk with you on your path to freedom!

I doubt very much that there has ever been a MN story that has touched so many hearts - and has made so many Mumsnetters so upset, angry and irate - as yours.

YOU WILL GET THERE !!!

I agree. He's creating situations where he kicks off. He needs to justify him self why wlhes abusive to you justify why you put him in this position. He needs to feel he's doing the right thing. It'll make it easier for him. to build a strong case for why you cause him to be like this. To find ways to blame you. Doesn't matter if it's self created by him. Doesn't have to make sense.

This is the cycle of abuse. Lundy outlines it in his book. Please open the PDF on an incognito tab and read it. You'll see there is a method in this madness. He's doing all of this on purpose. He's not losing control. He is carefully moving through a series of tactics. It'll culminate in him doing something horrible to you. Something which lets off his steam and he'll feel happy and relieved but you'll feel like crap. Even seeing the cycle for what it is will.empower you!!

Nomoredickheads. Honestly appreciate your concern but he has been this way for a long time and never got physical. Only once when we were teenagers he tried to strangle me as I was nagging him. Never dont anything since then.
Flowerarranger that's very kind thank you. You've all done so much already.
Justtrying thank you I'm a bit worried though as I'm not technical and incase it stays on my phone in some way.

Dont expect any replies anymore I'm just listing little things. He was ok this afternoon few times when he shouted when he could have just spoken but nothing major. At bedtime he sat on the bed while I bathed and clothed the kids (this is fine I dont mind doing it myself often less stressful) then suddenly he gets up and shouts dd to come clean her teeth. She says she needs to pee. He shouts at her to come and clean her teeth right now. She says again she needs to pee first. He keeps shouting and threatens to remove all her stickers from sticker chart if she doednt do as he says. I intervene and just said can she just have a pee and clean teeth after theres no harm in that is there?
He shouts that hes telling her to fo it now. I said I know but shes desperate she can go the toilet then she will do them straight away after that. He threw the toothbrush in the sink in a strop and stormed out saying "fine then she can brush her own teeth tonight."

Dont know of this is relevant and feel like people will roll there eyes at me thinking this is silly to note down but I want to note down anything that's made me feel really nervous or I feel is unfair etc.

OP, strangulation can kill you very quickly. The neck is very delicate and it can cause a lot of damage as well. He's abusive towards the children with all the shouting and ranting and bullying and threats.

He storms around and throws things. He already has been physical re the strangulation but, as I already explained to you, rape and sexual assault which he does regularly, is physical assault OP.

He is quite capable of strangling you again, at any moment OP. So called 'nagging' is not an excuse for him to place his hands around your throat and press.

No I know it's not but i was nagging him at the time. We were both about 18/19 and he had had a drink and he never done it again. We never spoke about it. Ot I think maybe I tried to but he acted like it didnt happen so I never mentioned it again. No doubt if I spoke about it now he would have no recollection. This was around 12 years ago and never done it again. I know there no excuse for that one time. But what I'm saying is hes never done it again.
Imho hasn't done anything sexual really since I've had sex with him the other day.
I'm only saying these things not to excuse him just to make sure noone really worries. Or thinks it's worse than it is. It's not every day.
Do you really think his behaviour towards the children would be classed as abusive?how would it be classed. I'm genuinely trying to understand. I dont agree with his behaviour but I dont know of it would be seen as abusive? He isnt calling them lots of names or being really mean. He isnt physical. He loses his temper alot and shouts instead of reasoning or talking. But just dont know how it would be classed?

Yes it's abusive OP. He's a bully and he's bullying them. He uses intimidation and threats. He's inconsistent with them. They don't know where they are with him and he's very 'my way or the highway'. He's also sexual when they are around. Running in and out of the kitchen when he sexually assaulted you last weekend and asking for sexual servicing in the car when they were in the back.

The point I was trying to make about the strangulation, is that he's capable of it because he's done it before. 'Nagging' is a very sexist term, applied to women by men. It used to be a defence in court for murder of your wife. I believe it was disallowed around 2008.

Ok thank you for helping me be clear on this. And it doesnt matter that hes not like thos all the time? Sometimes he can be nice and some people might think hes just having a bad day.
I'm going to get them out of here. Just hope we dont have to wait too long. And I'm worrying about it all but keep thinking of that saying someone said sorry I cant remember the name. Flowers I think it could have been "one bite at a time."

I know this is really hard to hear and you're being so brave.

You'll probably see a big change in the children once they're away from him. They'll be more relaxed and happier.

Telling a little girl that she must clean her teeth right now, even though she is desperate to pee is mental torture. She must have been terrified that she might have an accident. And she probably has a fair idea of what he might be capable of if she were to wet herself. Can you see, @Chickencuddle, that this was abusive?

NB: How to turn on Private Browsing...
Open Safari on your iPhone or iPod touch.
Tap the new page button .
Tap Private, then tap Done.
You will know you're browsing incognito when the screen is dark.

Do read Lundy Bancroft's book when you have the time. One page at a time...

He's not like this alk the time as he's working his way through the cycle. PP made the point that he is in the tension building phase now.
He's Mr Charm in front of others as he knows it's important they like him. If they ever find out what he's really like then they'll minimise our as 'he doesn't seem the type' and 'it doesn't sound like him'. Other people will have already seen through the mask and not be surprised one iota.

For Security, make sure you look at this thread on incognito and sign out inbetween.
He'd need to be tech saavy to find the history of your incognito tabs. Otherwise for normal people it goes away as it's not stored outwardly like normal tabs. The government can trace it. Normal people would need to jump through hoops.
You can get a sense of the book here
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles?pg=1&order=
He's allowed the work to be used here.

He is abusive to you all

I am so very sad to read all this

HOW DARE HE
awful way to treat human beings
Lots of love to you ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

In the car this morning a song came on and he was going "come on grind it for me." Etc I dont know what to do to make him stop. Then he was saying "strip tease for me"then he was saying "this song just reminds me of all the slags dancing when we were younger." This would include me and hes spoken before about the clothes I used to wear and when i would be dancing in clubs etc. He kept going on then was talking about people having sex in alley ways etc I kept saying to stop talking about it with the kids in the back and he was like aww no but I'm doing it in code. But he wasnt really. I'm just so tired of it all the time.

Oh God this just gets worse !he tried to strangle you!? This man is despicable. You need to get out asap op. I know you said he hasn't done it since but it worries me that he is capable of that in the first place. What he has done to you over the years is horrendous and now he's mistreating your dc too. As soon as you get any time away from him again make the phone calls , arm yourself with information and services available to you and start planning your exit strategy. X

OP he's saying those things in front of the children which is abusive. They are too young to hear a grown man talking about 'grinding' and people having sex in alleyways.

Unsurprisingly, his views on women is reprehensible calling them 'slags' and judging them for how they dress. It's dehumanising.

He dehumanises you as well OP.

I know I want to get out now. I'm now dreading being around him. I just want to get away but feel so trapped. I was considering before speaking to him tonight and telling him it's over. Maybe then we wont have to spend as much time together or pester me as much. But I'm scared to too.

The ending of a relationship is s key time for the abuse to escalate.
Do you have somewhere to go? A friend house? Distant relative? Credit card to book into a hotel? Refuge to go to?

If not, maybe pretend things are normal until you can make a clean break to a friend's house or refuge.

Pretend to be tired and go to bed early, suggest you're coming down with a cold, have a migraine starting, feeling the runs coming, suspected food poisoning with gripes in your stomach, possible runs but not quite......
Anything to avoid him.

Get on the remains and phone to WA etc. Call the, I think, 111 or 222 police number to let them know you've going to leave and or might escalate n

He never tried to strangle you again because he didn't need to as you were sufficiently scared and cowed by him.

OP I'm concerned that you keep saying you don't know what to do when you've been given advice on what to do.

You need to contact Women's Aid as you need a risk assessment and safety plan. It's not safe to either you or your children to tell him you want to leave, so please don't do that. You're scared for a reason.

You've also been given the numbers of various advice organisations that can give you advice on money, child maintenance and divorce. You need to contact those organisations and get as much information and advice as you can while working with Women's Aid on an exit strategy so you can leave with minimal risk.

I don't know what the equivalent of an Occupation Order/Non Molestation Order is in NI. An Occupation Order regulates the family home. It means you and the children can stay but he leaves and can't enter the property. A Non Molestation Order means he can't do certain things and carries the power of arrest. For example, he can't threaten you. It's written on an individual basis depending on circumstances. Women's Aid NI will be able to talk you through those options and help you with getting those if they're available.

It's obviously better for you and the children to remain in the family home and therefore an Occupation Order would be the best route to go.

Yes kbm I have all numbers but I'm trapped as he is off work and no time to phone so stuck atm. I know I can look into it on Wednesday. But that seems so far away atm. I feel like noone understands the situation I'm in. I have no time atm on my own at all.

Can you go to your friend's place next week OP and make some calls? If he's off work, he can look after the children. If not, you can take them with you and your friend can mind them while you make calls.

I would but she has 3 children and a new baby. She is putting herself in quarantine because of the Corona virus. She has her own stuff on and she hasn't spoken to me since. It's hard too her husband is friends with my husband.

Sorry I know everyone is trying to help me and I'm just hitting back saying I cant do things.