Feel like husband doesn't care

[Chickencuddle]

Feel like his priorities are football and sex and then the kids and everything else and then me at the bottom. I know I sound like a spoiled brat. But I dont need much. Just feel like he doesnt care about me.
For example I have been very poorly recently ended up in a and e and still feeling very ill on the way home from A and E he grabbed my hand and made me touch his boner. I was like why have you got a boner now. He was just like "can you sort it out for me."
The kids were asleep in the back but could have woken up at any minute. I said no u felt awful and anyway the kids are in the back and it's not right to do hat when they are there.
He was all aww you could just Bob your head down or use your hand and be discreet.
Etc.
I was talking seriously the other day about going back to work to help with Bill's etc. Maybe doing a short course to get back into work. He wasnt really listening and then just said
Aye well you dont have to sell your body in the meantime.
I was like what? As if I would ever do that and I just feel like that's all he thinks I'm good for.
Asked him to watch the kids for an hour the other day because I was feeling so ill I thought I might pass out and he just complained about not being able to watch football.
The only time he hugs me or is nice to me is if he wants something.
Everything is a sexual innuendo and always dry humping me. I just feel like a piece of meat someti.es and just wish he would back off. Let me get better and be caring.
Am I being a brat or what?

He not it.

But hes not abusive to them but just overreacted at everything. Sometimes he doesnt react to things at all and will let them do whatever and then that's not great because they havnt got any boundaries. But the other times he snaps at every little thing and shouts at them and makes them feel really bad about tiny things.
I know this isnt abusive but it puts me on edge.
It's not a change I would always say something when it comes to the kids if I've promised them they can do something and theres no harm in it then he says they cant that's disappointing for them and not fair. I would always challenge things like that so it's not a change but it still makes me really nervous. But I think maybe this is a character flaw I have and not that he has created. If that makes sense.

It is abusive and it will fuck them up. They have no stability or security, never knowing if today they'll be shouted at for something that was considered done yesterday.

Oh OP I think your upbringing has skewed completely what is normal and what is abusive.

Because that was the sign of an abusive father. Your children have no idea from one moment to the next where they are with him

I dont agree with it and that's why I challenge it. But what I mean is if you told a social worker that nothing would happen would it? I cant use that as my reasons of why he is abusive but its something in still not happy with.

Sorry dont know if I'm making sense.

You are making sense but domestic abuse isn't based on a single incident. So, saying to a Social Worker that he's abusive because he wouldn't let the children play on a trampoline for five minutes, wouldn't be taken as abusive, no.

His inconsistency is abusive though. Children who don't know if they are going to be shouted at today for something that was fine tomorrow, grow up anxious as they don't have consistent boundaries. Children need to know 'where they are' as it makes them feel safe.

there are a lot of little things that yes a social worker would pick up on

But can you class inconsistency as abusive. He is inconsistent alot. Like also today ds got an ice lolly for desert and went to take it in the lounge. He has been allowed to do this before. Dh has allowed him to do this before not just me. We eat meals at the table apart from one day a week we allow dd to eat in the lounge ad she gets home very late from hobby and everyone has eaten and shes tired so she watches a TV show and has some pasta. One day a week. Also so.etimes kids would have a piece of fruit in the lounge or a snack of some sort at times.
So anyway today he shouted for him to come back and eat at the table. Then he proceeded to start ranting and said we always have food in here we never have food in the lounge ever. Dd said she has her pasta and dh asked about desert he just got more annoyed and started shouting over the top of everyone. No food ever in there. No food in the lou ge ever. So not really listening to them just shouting over the top of them. Dd was looking at me as if to say "mum what the hell?" And all I could do was give her a look to just leave it.
He was in a mood and no doubt he will let them have food in there again. And again it's not unreasonable I know lots of people who dont allow food in the lounge but I guess it's the fact that 2 days ago he allowed them in there with food and suddenly hes kicking off about it for no apparent reason.

Because that was the sign of an abusive father. Your children have no idea from one moment to the next where they are with him

Yes that's what my childhood was like, walking on eggshells. My DM herself admits that my F used to smack us too hard, though she never said anything then. She used to excuse his behaviour by saying that he didn't know his own strength.

He was volatile. He could be loving but then he would unexpectedly get angry about something that was long past (usually poor academic results).

I was constantly on edge. Believe me, it's a scary life for a child.

I’m so sorry that things are so tough OP. I can’t give any advice on getting out but if he doesn’t monitor your internet use there is a board called money matters and a monthly thread about making extra income.

There are survey sites that you could sign up to and even leave your earnings in the sites until you are ready to cash in. It’s not much but it might give you a little to fall back on.

yes because they dont know where they are from one moment to the next and then he shouts. And that is incredibly scary place to be

He speaks about sex in front of them as well

Thing is OP you know that you do things to make sure he behaves well. So do they

Are you familiar with the Cycle of Abuse OP?

This is really typical abusive behaviour and are tactics used in order to maintain power and control. You are now in the 'Tension' phase of the Wheel. You went through a 'Honeymoon' phase for a few days, but you're now in the tension phase where he's kicking off.

shouted for him to come back and eat at the table. Then he proceeded to start ranting

As well as being inconsistent, he shouldn't be shouting and ranting around the house. This is clearly intimidating behaviour.

I think your upbringing has skewed completely what is normal and what is abusive.

THIS.

they dont know where they are from one moment to the next and then he shouts. And that is incredibly scary place to be

And THIS.

I find this thread terribly upsetting. Not just because of all the abuse you have described.

But because you have been brainwashed to such a degree that you keep on minimising it and blame yourself.

Over and over again.

^But the other times he snaps at every little thing and shouts at them and makes them feel really bad about tiny things.
I know this isnt abusive but it puts me on edge^

It is abusive and will make both yourself and the kids anxious. It could effect their mental health for life.

It's not a character flaw to stand up for your kids, if that's what you mean. If that's a character flaw, I wish my mum'd had it.

I guess it's the fact that 2 days ago he allowed them in there with food and suddenly hes kicking off about it for no apparent reason.

This is because it's not about the food, it's all about control. He wants it so it's only him who decides what happens, no matter how big or small, and to have you all frightened of him so you do what he wants.

I don't wish to sound harsh but your DH is abusing your children.

Struggling with him being at home. Hes been fine since last night with the kids but picking at tiny things with me. Just everything I do I feel like hes breathing down my neck. Overseeing. Watching for something which is wrong or he would do differently and then start at me for it.

Sorry I'm not replying to everyone only have a small amount of time to post when hes home.

The fact you can’t post online when he is home says enough.

Most DH wouldn’t worry about what their spouses are looking at or posting online as long as it’s not an unflattering photo of them.

You need an escape plan this isn’t good for you or the DC.

Then he proceeded to start ranting and said we always have food in here we never have food in the lounge ever. Dd said she has her pasta and dh asked about desert he just got more annoyed and started shouting over the top of everyone. No food ever in there. No food in the lou ge ever. So not really listening to them just shouting over the top of them. Dd was looking at me as if to say "mum what the hell?"

Your DD was checking in with you to confirm her experience of reality was correct. It seems like your 'D'H was gaslighting her. Trying to convince her that his explanation was accurate. That is abusive behaviour. She will start to modify her behaviour to appease him too.

Yes OP, he is ramping up the tension. He's already planned that he's going to kick off so now he's looking for excuses to do it. He's going to assault you or otherwise kick off soon.

She will start to modify her behaviour to appease him too.

That's already happened:

Dd was looking at me as if to say "mum what the hell?" And all I could do was give her a look to just leave it.

The 'look' is the 'we have to appease the abuser look' to stop him from kicking off. ]'Don't annoy your father, you know what he's like.' The whole family walking on egg shells so as to appease the abuser.

Thank you for reassuring me I'm not mental or overreacting. I mean I know these things are only small but I still dont like it.
So he really is in a mood today.
He opened the door while smallest dd was behind it and she cried. My eldest dd then came to tell me this had happened and he shouted at her. Saying "no dont be a snitch. You're just being a little snitch"but in a shouty horrible way.
I told him not to say that as it's not nice and he said well she is. He went outside and o told dd well done for telling me it's fine to tell me anything and smallest dd is ok and daddy did it by accident but it was great that she told me. I dont want her thinking she cant tell me things as it makes her a snitch.
We went out for a bit and dd had to change shoes he threw he shoes to her. Not in a bad way just in a passing it in a hurry way but one hit her leg and she said "ow daddy" straight away he was shouting like "no that didnt hurt dont be so silly dont be a liar. Didnt even touch you. Dont be a liar."
Lots of little snipes at me. He told dd she couldn't have kitchen roll to wipe her hands and I went to get her a square and he shouted at me twice like he was warning me. So I didnt get it in the end.
I do feel like I'm walking on eggshells today and small things are made huge.
I feel like I want to get me and the kids away but dont see a way. If I think about it I'm scared what if they have to change school what if husband puts it all on me. What if the kids are seriously damaged by us splitting up. I know every time he has them he will be saying nasty things to them about me.
I know I need to phone now. Wish I had yesterday but it was all too much.
Wont be able to phone now until Wednesday.
When we were out he was lovely and played with the kids though. It's just a complete mind melt. I cant work out if um being silly and looking for every little thing now or if it is him. Either way I think I cant stay with him.

OP he sounds like a nasty, relentless bully and I feel so sorry for those babies having to deal with him.

Can you now see how this is also affecting them?

Abuse is never in a vacuum. An abuser will infect the whole house and everyone in it.

You've done loads already. You've contacted the Domestic Abuse Helpline. You've contacted Women's Aid and are waiting for them to contact you back. You have plans to call them again next week.

All you're doing at the moment is getting advice and support OP. Nothing else right now. I know it all felt too much, it was overwhelming and you felt it was too much.

Other steps you're taking is keeping a log of the abuse and saving money.

You're doing loads OP. You're way further than you were a week or so ago. You're also seeing his behaviour for what it is which is abusive and you can see how it's all affecting the children and that the situation can't continue.

These are all huge strides.

The 'look' is the 'we have to appease the abuser look' to stop him from kicking off. ]'Don't annoy your father, you know what he's like.' The whole family walking on egg shells so as to appease the abuser.

It is good that you are now aware that all this is so terribly wrong.

Can you read through this thread again and make a list of suggested resources and advice that resonates? And then tackle things one at a time, whenever you're ready and able. Like eating an elephant - one bite at a time...