Feel like husband doesn't care

[Chickencuddle]

Feel like his priorities are football and sex and then the kids and everything else and then me at the bottom. I know I sound like a spoiled brat. But I dont need much. Just feel like he doesnt care about me.
For example I have been very poorly recently ended up in a and e and still feeling very ill on the way home from A and E he grabbed my hand and made me touch his boner. I was like why have you got a boner now. He was just like "can you sort it out for me."
The kids were asleep in the back but could have woken up at any minute. I said no u felt awful and anyway the kids are in the back and it's not right to do hat when they are there.
He was all aww you could just Bob your head down or use your hand and be discreet.
Etc.
I was talking seriously the other day about going back to work to help with Bill's etc. Maybe doing a short course to get back into work. He wasnt really listening and then just said
Aye well you dont have to sell your body in the meantime.
I was like what? As if I would ever do that and I just feel like that's all he thinks I'm good for.
Asked him to watch the kids for an hour the other day because I was feeling so ill I thought I might pass out and he just complained about not being able to watch football.
The only time he hugs me or is nice to me is if he wants something.
Everything is a sexual innuendo and always dry humping me. I just feel like a piece of meat someti.es and just wish he would back off. Let me get better and be caring.
Am I being a brat or what?

OP, I have read the whole thread, and can identify with a lot of what you report is happening to you, because I am a survivor of this type of relationship. Like you too, I minimised it, excused his behaviour, didn't want to 'break up the family', and had such low self worth I didn't think I deserved any better. But, like you are now, I woke up to this being abuse, thanks to the wonderful women of MN, and I got out. It wasn't easy, but I am so happy being free and independent now. I can do anything I like, go out, spend money, see friends, whatever, without fear of his reaction. Imagine how that would feel?

It is telling that you can't even make a simple phone call or spend a pound without facing his questions, moods, and control. Well done for doing this anyway.

Have you heard about the cup of tea analogy? If you had a cuppa in front of you, and 95% of the liquid was normal delicious tea, and the other 5% was shit scraped off the side of the toilet, would you still drink the tea? This is your relationship and your perception is all skewed. In fact you probably only have 5% barely normal, and 95% controlling and abusive. The 5% seems amazing because it is contrasted so strongly against the shit.

Google "trauma bonding". I think you will get some insights from that.

Also, there is a sticky thread at the top of the relationships board, about seeking help from Womens aid and going into a refuge. You should read it for info about the process. You don't need to jump into a big decision now, because that is scary, but your eyes are starting to open, and you can carefully bring support around you and get advice on practical things in the next few weeks, such as WA, and the CAB etc.

@12345kbm you have given amazing support to the OP here. One of MNs best. People just like you helped me a few years ago and I cannot thank them enough.

Most abusers are nice some of the time, that's why it's confusing and why victims don't realise that it's happening. Like the frog slowly boiling to death as the water reaches boiling point.

My F came across as very loving some of the time; he played with us when we were little and told us stories at bedtime. He also could be very romantic with my DM; he had her convinced that he was a loving father and husband.

It's the reason why I only realised how abusive he was a few years ago when my DSis and I experienced our memories flooding back once we had little children. He had also been dead for many years, which is probably why we hadn't realised it earlier.

I feel like crying reading this op and have only read the start of the thread.
I absolutely beg you to leave this guy. Please take care, please be safe and I hope you and your children get away and stay away from him.

WA havnt phoned back yet and u have to go get the kids. So I cant speak to them now today. Also worried if they will phone when husband around

I really understand how you feel OP, that you were bad in your teens and this is like a punishment. Let's look at it from a different, kinder perspective. You were brought up in an abusive and dysfunctional household and you went through an angry and rebellious stage as a teenager.

People make mistakes OP, it doesn't mean that they deserve to be sexually assaulted and otherwise abused throughout their adult years as a punishment.

Once you're safe, I hope you consider counselling in order to help you process all this.

You deserve to bring your children up in a happy, safe home OP.

OP can you email WA and explain that you can't speak today. Perhaps write in the email when is a good time for them to call: [email protected]

Explain you're waiting for a call and have been in contact with your local WA (give them the area) and maybe they can pass on a message. If you have the email address or webpage for your local branch, perhaps email them directly.

My eldest has gone to a friends house. I managed to get youngest kids occupied with playdoh in one room and I went and phoned in another. They tried to put me through to whoever's I need to speak to but it rang out so they've said they will call me back again. That was around 4 and I know theres noone there come 5. If noone phones I will email.

Well done for trying OP, that's so good to hear. You seem really committed to getting help.

I'm sorry you can't get through but it shows real determination on your part to keep trying. You obviously have a lot of grit.

Do you think it may be helpful, while you organise the WA conversation to perhaps phone the Legal Centre? I know how concerned you are about what would happen in the event of separation or divorce and it may help set your mind at rest to have that information.

It's highly unlikely he will get the children OP but it would perhaps help you to hear that from a professional. You can contact Law Centre NI on: 028 9024 4401 I can't find the helpline opening and closing hours but I presume it's standard office hours. If not, their website will have more info.

You don’t deserve this. NO ONE deserves this. Keep swimming Chicken don’t give up....

Check out these books. You could start reading the Lundy book online. Use an incognito tab and sit it down when you log on. He might be smiling on your phone.

Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do That? docdro.id/py03

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

How He Gets into Her Head: The Mind of the Male Intimate Abuser www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1855942208/ref=cm_sw_r_em_apa_i_gxxAEbBTMRXTM?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

The second book, which is Irish (Cork), outlines how your Abuser has brainwashed you. I think it would be excellent in showing you the tactic he had used and is using to keep you bonded to him. Knowhow is power!

You're doing great for such a short amount of time. I know being stuck in the countryside can be isolating but you can escape him!! Good luck!!

It's St. Paddy's day soon, he overcame enforced servitude and you can too! 😁

OP I'm concerned that you haven't checked in. If you don't want to contact WA or the Legal Centre, that's ok. Can you let us know if you are ok.

I've still not had a call back. Just feel like this is hopeless the kids are going to get hurt and I'm so fucking cross at myself for letting his happen and being so stupid.
Noone will believe me. In feeling desperate for help someone to tell me what to do my friend hasn't spoken to me since and had been distant when I see her at the school gates. Feel like she thinks I'm mad or annoying or something. I ended up watching out to another friend in desperation. She said she doesnt agree with what hes doing but maybe I need to schedule to give him sex regularly so then hes ok and doesnt treat me like this.
Now I feel like shit and that I'm being dramatic and blaming him over nothing.
I'm not phoning WA again I've phoned 2 times and not spoken to anyone. I dont know what to do but feels like the only option is to stay and do whatever i can to appease him. Definitely be least disruptive for kids.

Sorry kbm I missed your post im fine. I'm not in danger I think this has all been made into a big deal and maybe I've made it look that way. I'm sorry. I'm fine dont worry about me

Omg, you're massively minimising. Your friends don't have enough understanding by if how you've been brainwashed by him over the past number of years.

Keep strong. Contact them via email. WA are massively over subscribed everywhere. I'm sure you're still on their todo list.

Appeasing him won't work. It'll only prolong the agony of splitting up

It sounds unlikely he'd get custody. Not with this level of constant abuse and control.

OP did you send the email? Can you at least send the email to WA and we'll then speak to the legal centres and advice centres and find out where you stand. In that way we can allay any fears you have.

I understand your frustration. You built up all that courage to speak to someone (you were so brave) and nothing seems to have come of it.

I can help you OP until we get you real life support.

Deep breaths. We'll take this one step at a time, no need to think of everything at once.

Your friend is (a lunatic) wrong about scheduling in sex to appease him. He uses sex to assert dominance over you. It's abusive and it's going to destroy your mental health to stay there OP.

Do you want to email WA today and let them know how frustrated you are that no one has contacted you. Hopefully, they'll respond to you today.

Secondly, do you want to contact one of the advice centres and get advice on where you stand should you leave?

The Law Centre can help regarding custody and where you stand on the house.
Gingerbread can help regarding child maintenance, contact, benefits etc

We could contact one of those today OP and get some advice. At least it would feel like we were making some kind of progress.

No I'm sorry I don't think I can do any of this. I'm with husband all weekend and I csnt be thinking about any of this.
I'm so sorry you've wasted all your time on me. I think I'll leave this thread for s little bit. I'm sorry I know everyone thinks 8ve been brainwashed but u dont think I am. I think I'm thinking clearly and I know everything of how he is.

The thread is here for when you need it OP. I understand that it feels too much at the moment. You've been really brave and I hope you come back when you feel ready.

@Chickencuddle We’re rooting for you. You are scared I understand that. Sometimes it feels easier to stay “better the devil you know” eh?
BUT
I can tell you your life will be better, happier, calmer when you are not with your husband.
You will feel freedom and your children will one day thank you for getting out.

Please come back to the thread even just to chat

@12345kbm Can I just say, you have been so kind and helpful on this thread. 💜

Thanks so much especially kbm and I'm so sorry to gave wasted everyone's time and effort I really appreciate it. I'm not giving up just not sure what to do for the best. I've emailed myself incidents that have happened over the last few weeks and the big ones from before. I've also saved up £10, this week and put it away incase I need it but I feel really guilty doing that. But i feel like that's all I'm strong enough to do atm and i dont even know what i want to do ultimately so just going to wait and see.

OP, I don't want you to thank me, I want you to be safe and you're not going to be safe as long as you remain with your husband.

Women's Aid will get back to you OP and the best thing for you to do is to continue what you are doing. You're doing the right thing and you need to speak to them. In that way they can offer you real life support and they know what resources are available to you.

I think you need some time to just reflect on what's going on as it's been moving at a very fast pace. It's natural that you'll feel overwhelmed as it's a lot to take in.

Just breathe OP. You're going to find a way through this. Saving up money is a great idea. You're doing really, really well. You don't know how well but I do, because this is often a slow process with many steps back to every one step forward.

We know it takes 6-7 attempts before someone manages to leave their relationship. You've made great progress. You're starting to see things more clearly. You're making plans. You're opening to others in real life.

Everyone is here for you when you want to talk. Stay strong! X

Hey OP, I have been thinking about you. It took me many years to finally leave my ex. I had all sorts of reasons excuses not to for a long time. Much of it was fear. I eventually overcame that when I saw how much my DC were being affected. I did it for them when I couldn't do it for myself.

You have had your eyes opened now. Keep making notes of things that are happening, in the way you've told us here about incidents. Keep adding to this log and reread it from time to time. It will be helpful to pass to WA for their perspective too.

There is no pressure on you to make a decision now. Just keep preparing, getting copies of documents, saving an escape fund and get advice. It is all within your control. You can take action when you feel ready, or not at all. Though I expect at some point in the future there will be a watershed moment where you have great clarity on what you want to do.

Please trust us all here when we say we believe you, that it really IS that bad, and that you can come back any time for more help and support.

Thank you everyone for being here. I feel like this is a really good place to note things down even if its just to make a note so in my head I'm saying...I didnt like this. Instead of ignoring. He got home early tonight around 6 and I had already promised my dd she could go on the trampoline while I dished up dinner. But he came in and said no noone could go out as he ground was wet (I mean it was slightly wet hasn't been raining or anything) dd was obviously upset and said she wanted to go out and it wasnt that wet. He then started shouting really loud that everyone stays inside and does what he says. I said I had promised she could go out so just go out for 2 minutes and avoid the 1 wet patch in the garden from when I used the hose (just said that to appease him I really dont care if they get wet soles on their shoes)
Then ds wanted to go out and toddler and he said "look what you've done now. Ffs. Why did you let her go out."
Was going on about it. But I let the kids go out for 5 minutes. Normally I would have let him dictate but I had promised them. I know this isnt much but i feel all nervous now. Just dont like how he shouts at everything. He also told dd to stop crying like a little baby
Said it in a really horrible way. I told him dont say that.
Do you think I'm being too bossy or overreacting?

To tell you the truth OP, I wouldn't challenge him. It will sense a change in you and the abuse may escalate.

You can clearly see that he is shouting at the children and making them cry. His behaviour isn't just affecting you.

You aren't being 'bossy' (sexist word used against women) or overreacting as we've established that he is abusive.

Just keep emailing yourself these events.