Feel like husband doesn't care

[Chickencuddle]

Feel like his priorities are football and sex and then the kids and everything else and then me at the bottom. I know I sound like a spoiled brat. But I dont need much. Just feel like he doesnt care about me.
For example I have been very poorly recently ended up in a and e and still feeling very ill on the way home from A and E he grabbed my hand and made me touch his boner. I was like why have you got a boner now. He was just like "can you sort it out for me."
The kids were asleep in the back but could have woken up at any minute. I said no u felt awful and anyway the kids are in the back and it's not right to do hat when they are there.
He was all aww you could just Bob your head down or use your hand and be discreet.
Etc.
I was talking seriously the other day about going back to work to help with Bill's etc. Maybe doing a short course to get back into work. He wasnt really listening and then just said
Aye well you dont have to sell your body in the meantime.
I was like what? As if I would ever do that and I just feel like that's all he thinks I'm good for.
Asked him to watch the kids for an hour the other day because I was feeling so ill I thought I might pass out and he just complained about not being able to watch football.
The only time he hugs me or is nice to me is if he wants something.
Everything is a sexual innuendo and always dry humping me. I just feel like a piece of meat someti.es and just wish he would back off. Let me get better and be caring.
Am I being a brat or what?

You've done really well to contact Women's Aid, OP, you're much stronger than you think you are.

That's good news.

Just say:

'I need help as my husband is abusive.'

'He is sexually abusive, he frequently sexually assaults me. He monitors my day from what I spend to who I talk to. I'm frightened and don't know what to do.'

They'll then ask you questions to find out more about the situation and will advise on your options.

That's it OP. It's just getting through the initial few seconds of the phone call. Deep breaths. Tell them what you've said here and ask them if they think it's abusive. Discuss that with them as they will validate what you are hearing here.

They will let you know what you can do and what help is available to you. Ask any questions you need about those various options, take notes if you need to as it may be a lot to take in at the time.

doing it without a condom (although it was only for a few seconds...so?

Still rape.

Sometimes they only do it for a moment because it's that domination over what you want that they're psychologically getting off on, because they're sociopaths. So after they've penetrated you without your consent, they've got what they want psychologically. It's not about 'sex.'

They know they could have consensual sex, but that's not always what they want.

If I may, I'll share my experience of contacting Women's Aid.

My ex was moody, but he never hit me.I always though that our fights were mutual, I was constantly being told I was the one who caused it, I was the problem. etc etc.
Someone made the appointment with Women's aid for me. I was mad at her because, like you, I'd never been punched or kicked. A push here or there against a wall is hardly worth reporting him for eh? I was mad because I was using up an appointment that other women who were punchbags for their partner could have used. I was a time waster.

So I get to the appointment and a lovely lady and I had a chat. That's all. She listened and cared and occasionally made a point or two. At the time I was adamant that it wasn't that bad, we were in love and had a trip booked and paid for. Lovely lady told me that I was welcome to drop in any time for a chat. I was sure that I would never need to meet her again but she gave me a lot of food for thought.

So that's all you do. You chat. If you want to stay, they will support you and suggest ways that you can protect yourself. If you want to leave, they'll help you work out what you need to do to do it safely. And they don't judge you either way, they just chat and more importantly 'get' what you are going through. They get why X or Y bothers you when you can't put it into words.

So this week, don't think about anything other than ringing to have a chat with someone who gets it. Nothing else needs to happen after that. You are in charge. You are so used to not being in charge in every area of your life you are assuming that once you speak to WA the train leaves the station without you being ready. That won't happen. They follow YOUR lead, and their advice is guided by you - if you want it.

Thank you everyone. I'm shaking so bad. I phoned and spoke to someone she said the same as everyone on here but I still cant fully believe it or feel like it must be my fault in some way. Leading him on or something I dobt know. But she gave me the number for womens aid in my area. She was sp lovely. I phoned and they said they would phone back tomorrow but I asked if I could phone them at a convenient time so husband doesnt catch me and she said that's fine. So I'll speak to someone tomorrow. Still not really got any answers. The lady on the phone was lovely and told me it's not right and everything but o dont think she could give me much more info other than the number so I'll hopefully get more info tomorrow. I'll have to try and get some time tomorrow now.

Oh they were phoning me back tomorrow because they close at 5 btw. Phoned just a little too late.

Well done Chicken, that's a big step, they'll be a big help to you. 6 times a day is controlling, he wants to know where you are and what you're doing all the time. That's not normal. Make sure you stay on here, as you're getting brilliant advice and support. One step at a time.

Also husband did phone while I was on the phone. And he had only just got the other two kids off me and was phoning me 5 minutes later. That's why I worry about phoning people. He was ok about it though. He thought it was signal.

Dont you see how odd that is that he immediately rang you 5 minutes later that is some serious monitoring and control

He hasn't seen me all day though and wanted to tell me something about his day. Did ask where I was too though. But honestly not sure about the calls think they may be innocent enough

Well done for ringing !you took a huge step today you should be really proud of yourself. The next time you ring you won't feel so scared. The phone calls and constant monitoring is controlling behaviour too op. I don't think anything this man does is innocent at all he's just very manipulative.

Oh OP ask yourself he did it though when you were away from him rather than together. That isnt innocent at all.

Does he know you are going out with friends before you go out with them

I have been thinking of you all day, wondering if you phoned. I can't believe you did it and am SO VERY PROUD of you OP. Can you hear that over there?

Well done and no harm done as far as your husband is concerned. Well done for phoning Women's Aid and organising for someone to phone you back. You are being so brave.

You're amazing and you've got so much strength in you.

Well done for calling OP.

Him phoning you 6 times a day is excessive. A few texts a day, maybe a call if something comes up like a sick child, or something too complicated to sort by text, is the most me and DH do. Given the phone calls and the amount of info he wants about your day, it sounds like he's keeping tabs on you. Even if you think he hasn't actually banned you from doing anything, it's worrying you enough that you're fearful of calling for help in case finds out. I would guess that you've also avoided some other activities, maybe meeting a male friend or something, also in order to avoid him finding out. He's making you scared, and controlling your actions, through psychological manipulation.

No, OP, there's no innocent reason for your DH to want to know where you are at all times or what you're doing. My DH calls me during the day, but if I don't answer, he just leaves a message and we catch up later. He doesn't call me again to check up on me. And if I can't talk to him, I leave a message for him. He's basically focused on his work and doesn't have time to worry about where I am.

Couples really don't need to be joined at the hip, you can just catch up at the end of the day. Your husband's behaviour is very controlling.

Really, really proud of you OP

Thank you so much for all the support could never have done it without this thread. I keep doubting myself because dh is being nice as pie last 2 days. But keep reminding myself he did those things and being nice now doesnt change that.

He's abusive OP. You've heard it here over and over again and it's been confirmed by trained professionals that you've spoken to. I know that's hard to hear.

Let's wait and see what Women's Aid say tomorrow. There are so many brave women posting who have walked through this and come out the other side. Real proof that it's possible to get through this and live a happy life free from abuse.

I'm thinking of you OP.

I will phone them today but I am kind of feeling uneasy today like iS this he right thing to do. Am I making it into a big deal I think hes veen like this recently because we havnt had sex in 3 weeks. He has been like this before but he goes long periods of being lovely too. Last few days hes been fine and hes helped out with the house and hes been caring and if was like this all the time we would have such a happy life.

Oh op he's not lovely or caring a lovely or caring man would never treat his wife the way he has treated you over the years and still continues to treat you. It really makes me so sad that you are doubting yourself so much just because he has been 'nice' for a few days. He should help out with the house and the kids all the time, he should build you up ,encourage you, make you feel special ALL OF THE TIME. He should understand if you don't want sex that is your right and accept it not coerce and harass you into submission. He should understand that it is not ok to demand sex acts of you especially in front of your children. This man is not nice , he's not caring , he's not lovely. He is a manipulative controlling rapist. I'm sorry I know I'm just a stranger on the internet and its your life but you are never going to have a happy life if you stay with this man. You've been so brave. Call them back let them reassure you and help you. You deserve to have a happy life. Call them back. Or even read back through all of your posts when you doubt yourself. Your first post was about him demanding sex acts from you when you were seriously ill! That isn't ok and not what real love it. X

Last few days hes been fine and hes helped out with the house and hes been caring and if was like this all the time we would have such a happy life.

This is unlikely, and not just because he won't be able to keep up the Good Guy act for long, but mostly because you will continue to be on edge, waiting for his next manipulative, coercive or abusive action.

He will always be controlling you, be it directly through his actions, or indirectly via the mental control he exerts over you.

Seriously, I've read some harrowing threads here and on other forums, but I have NEVER come across a victim of abuse who has been mindfucked to such a degree as you, dear @Chickencuddle.

None of this is your fault - you MUST believe that!! You have been devalued and abused by the people who should love you and care for you for your entire life. It will take time and a great deal of effort for you to heal yourself and gain the strength to turn your life around. But Women's Aid, the Freedom Program and the lovely Mumsnetters WILL help you, and you WILL get there

OP I know it's frightening but no one is going to force you to do anything you don't want to do. It's just a phone call. It won't take long and then it will be over.

You came here because you didn't want to continue how you were living. Your husband has been sexually assaulting you for years and you knew it was wrong and were looking for help.

You came out of hospital and he was immediately getting you to touch him. He hit you around the face with his penis, he assaulted you with relatives and young children running around at the weekend.

Come on now. This is no way to live and you don't deserve this. He may do a bit of dusting but that doesn't make him a decent human being.

You need to take deep breaths and make that call to Women's Aid before 5pm as planned.

I've phoned they are going to phone me back I'm so scared to leave I had mental health problems as a teen and my eating and I'm scared he will use that to say he gets he kids. I'm scared to start because I'm scared what it will bring. I feel like I deserve this and I know people say I dont but I was a pretty shit person in my teens and probably early twenties too. It's like karma.
I've phoned them anyway for the kids. Keep telling myself if I cant do it for me do it for them they havnt seen anything but they shouldnt be brought up around it regardless?
They are phoning me back

You must tell Women's Aid that you feel like I deserve this. This is absolutely crucial and represents the key to the coercive hold he has over you!

You know it isn't true, but you need concrete tools to get out of this mindset. Ask the WA person to let you know what you can do, given your situation, to access such tools.

Maybe someone here at MN can also make some suggestions. I'm thinking online articles and podcasts.

Oh yes the good old rollercoaster
Good days and being very nice
Then a monster

CLASSIC

I'm in NI
More than happy to help

WA are wonderful !!! Great group of people who go over and above to help
Any q please d m me ??!
Please take care !!

I was in your position two years ago and this site saved my life !! It literally did because I was so so beaten and confused and I could not tell anyone in real life
So I came on here and then went to WA