Feel like husband doesn't care

[Chickencuddle]

Feel like his priorities are football and sex and then the kids and everything else and then me at the bottom. I know I sound like a spoiled brat. But I dont need much. Just feel like he doesnt care about me.
For example I have been very poorly recently ended up in a and e and still feeling very ill on the way home from A and E he grabbed my hand and made me touch his boner. I was like why have you got a boner now. He was just like "can you sort it out for me."
The kids were asleep in the back but could have woken up at any minute. I said no u felt awful and anyway the kids are in the back and it's not right to do hat when they are there.
He was all aww you could just Bob your head down or use your hand and be discreet.
Etc.
I was talking seriously the other day about going back to work to help with Bill's etc. Maybe doing a short course to get back into work. He wasnt really listening and then just said
Aye well you dont have to sell your body in the meantime.
I was like what? As if I would ever do that and I just feel like that's all he thinks I'm good for.
Asked him to watch the kids for an hour the other day because I was feeling so ill I thought I might pass out and he just complained about not being able to watch football.
The only time he hugs me or is nice to me is if he wants something.
Everything is a sexual innuendo and always dry humping me. I just feel like a piece of meat someti.es and just wish he would back off. Let me get better and be caring.
Am I being a brat or what?

I also want you to imagine your future OP and hold onto that future. Of doing your course, being in your own home safe, warm and secure with your children. Safe and free from harm, from bullying, monitoring and sexual harassment.

Can you see it? Going to your course, studying in the evening, making dinner, living a free and independent life. Wearing what you want, perhaps moving somewhere less rural where you can meet up with friends and course mates for a coffee.

Hold onto that OP, for the short term this is hard, it's frightening and it seems impossible but, women have done it. You've heard from them here and there are millions of others who have done it.

Thank you for being so kind. I don't know what to say I rang up and hung up. Couldn't make any words come out of my mouth. I wish they would ask questions and then i could answer idont know how to start or what to say and its embarrassing and in scared I'm overreacting or it's my fault for leading him on or something or for being distant. I'm worried I've been led by people seeing one chunk of my life and now I'm overreacting. He was fine yesterday and last night. Nice even. But when I think of theast few weeks hes been awful because he didnt have sex but then when he has sex hes fine.

He doesnt tick any other boxes. Hes not physically abusive he doesnt stop me doing things or make me wear certain clothes. Etc
Makes me doubt myself and if it's my problem. He is great in lots of ways.

Well done for making the call, even if you did hang up. That was so brave.

Can you rehearse what you want to say perhaps?

How about something like this:

I need help. My husband is sexually abusing me and I don't know what to do.

OP, this is serious and you're not exaggerating. You're not being silly, you're not imagining things and they're not going to chastise you for wasting their time.

He has committed very serious offences against you and he will continue to do so.

I would open the email you sent to WA and have that in front of you when you make the call so you know what to say. Just read that and don't think about the person on the other end.

Tell them you don't know what to say, that you're frightened, that you don't like talking on the phone, that you need help. They're people OP, just like you and they're there to help. They are taking calls every day (unfortunately) and they are used to people being frightened and not knowing what to say.

You're going to be ok.

OP, sexual abuse is physical abuse. It's his way of asserting dominance over you. Rape is serious physical assault. He is regularly sexually assaulting you which is physical abuse.

What he's doing as well as the sexual abuse is emotional abuse. Like make subtle digs about your eating disorder ,or turning it back on you saying you were touching him in your sleep ECT he's manipulative op and he's done it slowly over time belittling you and your self confidence so you doubt yourself. Everything that you have said in this thread screams abuse and we can't all be wrong can we?you aren't exaggerating or being silly you are taking back control. Well done for making the phone call don't give up ring again. Tell them exactly what you have told us that your husband is sexually abusing you and that you don't know what to do or who to turn to. They will ask questions and then you will find you will just start talking . You have made amazing progress that's a big deal.be kind to yourself ❤️ x

Thanks for all the support going to try and phone tomorrow.
I let dd sleep in our bed tonight. Sometimes she wants to sleep in bed with me and l try to get her to sleep in her own bed as much as possible but I do give in at times and I feel so relieved that I wont be sharing a bed with him but at the same time worried incase there are repercussions I have to deal with. Hes been fine today and nice.

Sounds like a great plan OP. Get some rest and let us know how you get on.

Oh my gosh this is all so shocking

I hope you are safe

I left two years ago
It was scary as hell

So many great organisations to help you

I found Womans aid wonderful
They will help you with many things

Please stay safe you do not need this abuse and eventually your children will suffer

I wondered about financial control? You mentioned it would take you a few weeks to pull together £15 and he checks receipts from the supermarket. Fair enough if you’re skint, but just wondered if you are kept short of money or have ability to access to funds when you need them?

I'm sure other PP's have said but I'll just add my voice to it- if you only consented to sex with a condom and he penetrated you without one, that is legally rape OP as you didn't consent to him having sex with you without one. www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/rape-and-sexual-offences-chapter-3-consent

I hope you feel able to talk to WA or someone soon- I imagine most of the women involved have been in a situation similar to yours in some ways, so they'll understand more than anyone.

Hi OP, hope you're ok today. Did you get a chance to contact the helpline? Just let us know you're ok, it's fine if you haven't.

Honestly I'm freaking out and I feel so stuck I know I need to phone but for some reason cant make myself do it. What is wrong with me?
I cant think of anything this morning I'm distracted. I've been with people this morning but my heart is beating in my chest hard the whole time. I'm stuck. I feel like I need some help but I have noone
My friend hasn't asked me about it since and I dont want to bother her.

You're painting yourself into a corner OP and you're going to have to take some action in order to get help. You need advice and you are too far from the relevant agencies, so you need to talk to them. You can't carry on like this.

Can you organise for your friend to be there when you make the call? Maybe she can call for you and pass you the phone?

How about copy and pasting the email you sent to WA and sending that to the helpline? Let them know where you are this time though so they can advise on the help available nearby. Anything is better than this and once you've done it, it's done and you can relax.

I dont want to wait 5 days for answers. I have my toddler with me now and think that's putting mr off too. Later on I take my little one to their hobby and I will have an hour no kids then. Just if he phones me and phone is engaged he will ask who I'm on the phone to he knows I never home anyone but him. So need to think what to say. I'll really try to phone later and if I chicken out I'll send the email.
Thank you and sorry for being so stupid. I think I would feel better with someone with me. But my friend wouldn't I dont think she thinks its abuse.

Your friend said that she would do what she could to help OP. Reach out if that's what you need.

Try to phone later if you can and you're not being stupid, it's a huge thing to do and you're being really brave. It takes a lot of courage to speak to someone about all this and you've been amazing so far.

Tell your husband that your friend called if he asks why the phone was engaged.

You can do this and will feel better once you have. Tell them that you're frightened if you can't think of what to say. Just tell them what's been going on, like you have here.

But then he will want to know what about and I'm rubbish at making stuff up I think he knows me too well he will know if I'm lying and he might see my friend and speak to her about it. Because I never normally speak to friends on the phone it will set off alarm bells. God I sound so sad.
She did say she would help me if I left him but she didnt think his behaviour was abusive at least she didnt say and she said I should speak to him or try counselling. Anyway sorry to waffle on I'll try and phone later.

Have you told your friend all that you have told us here op? I can't understand why she doesn't see it as abuse!maybe talk to her again. kbm is right she did say she would help you In any way should could. Even if shes just there for moral support while you make the call. I think once you act start talking you will find it all just comes out. Practice in your head how to start the conversation before you call. I promise you will feel so much better once you start talking they are trained to deal with these kind of situations and they will have heard it all. They are there to help you but you have to ask for it. Hope you are ok x

I've not told her the most recent things about him doing it without a condom (although it was only for a few seconds...so?) And I've not told her about the blowjob talk in the car or grabbing me etc. I've not spoken to her about it since last week.

How much does he control what you do - you seem not to be able to move without him knowing exactly where you are

He doesnt control me but he does know everything about my day just because he phones me quite alot. He phones his family alot too so it's not just me. He may phone me around 6 times a day asking what I'm up to how was baby group or how was your walk. (See, caring)
Also at the end of the day he wants to know everything about my day. If I've seen friends what did we speak about. What the said what we did. Etc. But he doesnt control me or stop me seeing friends or anything

That level isnt normal though because he is controlling because he knows everything about your day and exactly where you are at all times. That level of contact and information isnt normal - he hasnt gone as far as stopping you but you tell him everything.

Does he tell you everything about his day he whereabouts.

It isnt caring to phone that amount or ask those amount of questions it is controlling

Domestic abuse is really misunderstood OP. People don't tend to know that much about it and she probably doesn't understand the implications of what you're saying. Lots of people don't.

You're making excuses not to do it. There's very little reason to believe your husband is going to call you at the exact time you make the call as he's at work and probably busy. Say it was a cold caller then calling about double glazing and you can't remember what they said if he wants the exact conversation.

For you not to see that he's abusive when he seems to be monitoring every second of your life, down to the conversations you have on the phone to every last penny at the supermarket, shows you how misunderstood abuse is OP, because that's not a normal relationship by any standard.

You have time when your children are at their hobby so please dial the number and call them.

I'll try and phone later. Are there any questions I should be asking my head cant focus on anything atm.

@12345kbm

What you say is so true. I remember my F being like that, both with my DM and also with us. I was brought up to see it as being because he loved us so much. I remember how he used to regularly ask us where my DM was, and he would regularly accuse her of cheating on him if he didn't know where she was. (Oh the irony. )

My DM always made excuses for him, it was either his Parkinson's Disease that was to blame or his medication. Whereas in reality, he was simply an abusive arsehole who happened to have Parkinson's Disease.

It's very difficult to see what's going on when you're stuck in the moment. It's only now, as an adult looking back, that I can see what was really going on.

He really is controlling you, OP, this isn't love at all, and it will impact on your DC well as you if you stay in this relationship. You all deserve so much better.