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Original poster

I said I'm falling for him....

57 replies

Louise000000 · 02/03/2020 08:01

Ive been seeing a lovely man for a while now. Hes previously mentiond that he is guarded due to previously being hurt. However a few weeks back, he said he does have feelings for me.
Anyway he just texted last night and me being me i said 'i think im falling for you' to which he's just replied with a joke that theres medication for that or something. Anyway I just changed the subject after that.
Where do I go from there? Just not mention it again?
Not too sure what I was hoping for, possibly just a hint that he feels the same maybe.

OP posts:
crustycrab · 02/03/2020 10:08

Emotionally unavailable?! Confused

It's been a few weeks, you need to relax and stop labelling him

opticaldelusion · 02/03/2020 10:12

Mumsnet is the home of playing it cool. There is absolutely nothing wrong with telling someone you've known for a year and been romantically involved with for four months that you're falling for them. That's a nice thing to say and it's hardly too soon. When do people think it's appropriate to tell someone they've developed feelings for them? After a decade ffs?

OP, look at his actions. Some men just aren't very forthcoming verbally. If this feels right for you, then enjoy it and don't stress about being candid. You never move on in life unless you're prepared to actually open up and say how you feel.

However, seeking reassurance from someone who can't quite give it to you yet will make you feel more insecure. His feelings don't validate yours; they're valid anyway. You've told him how you feel. Just enjoy being with him.

Original poster
Louise000000 · 02/03/2020 10:12

I've never said that if you re read the comments you will see the word needy and also emotionally unavailable popping up alot!!
A few weeks...... 4 months is slightly longer and is it not about that time that you would evaluate where its going etc

I asked would he want to end things as he's away for a month and possible back for one weekend per month for a few months. If you weren't serious about someone this would be the perfect opportunity to end things would it not?

OP posts:
Original poster
Louise000000 · 02/03/2020 10:13

@opticaldelusion thanks great response!!

OP posts:
crustycrab · 02/03/2020 10:41

"Great response" because it agrees with you! Grin I think it's rubbish.

4 months is a few weeks. If he wanted to end it he would, you don't assume he will want to just because he's working away. Ffs, lots of us have partners/husbands that work away. If we asked them each time they went if they wanted to break up I think they'd feel very insecure

Original poster
Louise000000 · 02/03/2020 10:48

@crustycrab I realise that!! My husband worked away also whilst I was married!! But I knew where his feelings were and I knew where the relationship was.
Currently it's been 4 months and there is going to be a change happening and I want to know if he's invested in this and we will make a go of it while he's away, or if he's just been thinking this has been fun but it's time to cool it as he needs to be away and focusing on work etc. Am I making any sense now?
Without quoting love Island even though I am.... I wanted to know where his head was at Grin would I not feel like a total dick assuming things were going to carry on and he's thinking it will obviously fizzle out when he's gone? I know I would!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Louise000000 · 02/03/2020 10:52

If that response is rubbish then how would you have played this if you started getting feelings for someone and he hadn't been open about hoow he felt?
I'm only being honest!! Life's short GrinGrin

OP posts:
amiapropermum · 02/03/2020 10:56

I mean this in a nice way but the way you're trying to tease out his feelings sounds a bit teenagery. I've done it myself in the past so I'm not criticising, just saying it sets the tone for talking about emotions. Like seeing if he wants to end things because he's working away. If he wants to end things he will, you can't safeguard against that. Just try to enjoy dating him and see where it goes.

RLEOM · 02/03/2020 10:58

Possibly a lack of confidence and self esteem issues or he's not that into you. Could be either. I would give it time.

Windmillwhirl · 02/03/2020 11:05

4 months is a quarter of a year, 16 weeks. Hardly a few weeks.

You do sound insecure; you wanted a reply from him that clarified he was on the same page. Not really sure why you can't accept that. People reach milestones in relationships at different times.

If you think he us a good guy, then why the stress? Enjoy it and relax.

LemonTT · 02/03/2020 11:14

If you want to know what his feelings are, just ask him. He will either open up or not. Both of you have had enough time to decide if this is right for you and if the feelings are there. Having an adult conversation is the way to mutually agree It.

You aren’t posting here because you are confident of his feelings. You are posting because you aren’t. Your posts are full of comments about how he must feel this way because of things indirectly said or done by him or others.

It’s not hard OP. People express love by saying it not hinting at it or being cajoled into agreeing not to split up. If he is self aware enough to take about being guarded, he can tell you how he feels. The way you are both behaving is not how people falling for each other behave at 4 months. Things should be shifting up a gear not going round in circles.

FWIW, gutless (read guarded) people wouldn’t tell someone they planned on dumping them before going away. They avoid difficulties by creating space and then doing it.

Nammech111 · 02/03/2020 11:15

My partner didnt tell me he loved me for 9 months, I didnt meet any friends or family until then.

Just before I ended things because I was like if anything were to ever happen to you, how would I ever know? I've never been to your house, met your family. Anyway a week later I met them all he said he loved me.

4 years and going strong with a beautiful daughter. Men aren't simple are they.

Original poster
Louise000000 · 02/03/2020 11:30

If I ask him now how he feels, is this not going to sound even more needy?!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Louise000000 · 02/03/2020 11:31

@Nammech111 did he ever tell you why he waited all this time? Had you been telling him you loved him through this time?

OP posts:
amiapropermum · 02/03/2020 11:32

Yes, on top of your previous discussions it would sound really needy. I'd leave those types of talks for a while and you could bring it up before he leaves in April but in a straight forward, no teasing-it-out way. Just a simple conversation

Bluntness100 · 02/03/2020 11:32

Op, gosh. This is all a bit much.

You’ve already asked him. What do you need? It signed in blood?

Nammech111 · 02/03/2020 11:37

@Louise000000 he said he was petrified of letting me get close and disappearing. He never had luck with relationships before me and it seemed it was the girls who got bored with him ( hes really nice)

I never told him I loved him but I definitely hinted at it!!! And the last couple of weeks I pestered to meet him family.

I do believe your gut instinct is so strong. Mine told me he was worth the wait, if yours is telling you the same then honestly go for it. I think sometimes it's a good thing they are more reserved and not love bombing you then suddenly it all stops.
I hope it works out for you.

Original poster
Louise000000 · 02/03/2020 11:39

@Bluntness100 I want him on his knees sobbing, is that too much to ask?!!
Grin

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 02/03/2020 11:40

Maybe on his knees proposing,,,🤪

Original poster
Louise000000 · 02/03/2020 11:42

I don't want him declaring his undying love for me as I've said I think im falling as in I'm heading over to that way.
What I want is for him to say, I'm on the same page here or you are definitely special to me or something along those lines.
I'll stop now tho.
I do believe he is worth the wait and yes I've had a guy before who was far too full on and it was unattractive so it will be really great when he does actually say something without me prompting

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 02/03/2020 11:43

OP what comes across is that this person isn't telling you very much, he isn't allowing himself to let his guard down.

If it's you doing all the asking, you doing all the thinking and you doing all the needing (ie needing to have some sense from him about what he feels) it strikes me he isn't investing as much in you emotionally as you are in him. He's content to let things flop along, a bit of FWB here, a bit of jokey-jokey "you can get some tablets for that" there etc, which speaks of someone who knows there's an imbalance going on and the power is in his favour.

Otherwise he'd be tripping over himself to reassure you, to make you feel the love that he's (theoretically) feeling.

My comparator is that my DH made it very clear quite early on how he wanted our relationship to go. He didn't hold back and I can tell you he had been well and truly shafted/hurt/abused by his LT partner.

Drives me nuts when people trot out that same old hackneyed excuse about not being ready because they've been hurt. Well, boo hoo to them. If they are such precious snowflakes they are soooo hurt, and aren't ready then fine, but they shouldn't be messing around half in and half out. Commit or get lost!

Nammech111 · 02/03/2020 11:46

Also everyone kept saying he isn't that into you. 9 months is too long to not say I love you, he did used to say I was special to him.
Honestly I'm so glad I went with my gut and carried on because he is the love of my life

daisychain01 · 02/03/2020 11:47

I do believe he is worth the wait and yes I've had a guy before who was far too full on and it was unattractive so it will be really great when he does actually say something without me prompting

Worth the wait... hmm. Fair enough, as long as he doesn't just throw you a few crumbs every now and then to keep you happy. This early in the relationship, if it takes you to have to wait and squeeze out a mere flicker of devotion from him, it's going to be a looooong uphill journey!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 02/03/2020 11:49

LemonTT has posted what I think (and used a better term). I was thinking along the lines of manipulation because it sounded very much as: "I feel this, so come on, what do you feel?" and you're hanging on tenterhooks for him to respond in kind.

It's four months. That's plenty long enough for you - but perhaps not long enough for him. He's told you that he's guarded, he's told you that he has feelings for you... to 'offer to finish it' was manipulative, I think.

If it doesn't feel right for you then it probably isn't so, rather than make an offer for him to finish it, take control yourself, it would be better for you in the long run.

Techway · 02/03/2020 11:58

OP, I think you need to understand what is behind his comment, that he is guarded because he was hurt.

Nearly everyone has been hurt by the time they reach 30s so what does he mea ? Most people, take time out, analyse if there were red flags they missed and when they feel balanced they start dating again. Wiser but hopefully not cynical.

I don't want to marry or live with someone again, certainly not for years, due to practical and financial reasons but I will be upfront to any new partner about my intentions. I think if I felt guarded that would mean I am holding back and don't want a committed relationship.

Find out what he means..if it's unlikely to lead to a committed relationship, such as living together, children etc, would you be happy with that?

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