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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I said I'm falling for him....

57 replies

Louise000000 · 02/03/2020 08:01

Ive been seeing a lovely man for a while now. Hes previously mentiond that he is guarded due to previously being hurt. However a few weeks back, he said he does have feelings for me.
Anyway he just texted last night and me being me i said 'i think im falling for you' to which he's just replied with a joke that theres medication for that or something. Anyway I just changed the subject after that.
Where do I go from there? Just not mention it again?
Not too sure what I was hoping for, possibly just a hint that he feels the same maybe.

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 02/03/2020 08:04

Give him time. That was his initial reaction as he probably was taken off guard. He's plenty of time to say it back.

If he's not on the same page, you can move on x

BillywilliamV · 02/03/2020 08:05

Leave it a few weeks, my DH was like this. With some men it's not what they say it's how they behave. If he is affectionate and you are having a good time, try not to worry about it. Just build on you have now.

FlowerArranger · 02/03/2020 08:09

Putting this in a text was not smart. This is the sort of thing you'd want to say face to face so you can gauge reactions and he doesn't have time to come up with a witty deflection.

What happened when he told you he has feelings for you? In what context was it said, and how did you respond?

It's difficult to know where you're at, given what you've said. How long have you been together, what's the pattern of meeting up, where does your gut think this is heading...

But for now I'd play it cool. Certainly don't force a serious conversation!

Bluntness100 · 02/03/2020 08:15

How long is “ a while now”

If he’s not in the same place emotionally that’s fine, he shouldn’t lie about that.

daisychain01 · 02/03/2020 08:16

Anyway he just texted last night and me being me i said 'i think im falling for you' to which he's just replied with a joke that theres medication for that or something.

Such a difficult one over text. It sounds a bit dismissive but fair enough, give him a bye, he could be trying to put the brakes on getting too heavy too soon. Your relationship is in its early days and text is not the best way to communicate deep feelings (I avoid it for anything other than "see you at 5pm in Costa" Smile

If he continues to minimise your feelings or fails to acknowledge them over the longer term, and acts distant or evasive, then that's a sign he isn't 'feeling the love' or isn't that good at expressing his feelings openly.

Original poster
Louise000000 · 02/03/2020 08:19

I know face to face would have been better and I'd only say 'I love you' face to face. I guess I was just testing the water first a bit. Kicking myself now Grin
I just wear my heart on my sleeve always have!! I'm also quite impulsive.
Being seeing each other for 4 months but I've known him over a year.
With the feelings chat I kind of asked him!! And this was because I had started having feelings for him and I wondered if he was on the same page incase I was running away with myself and he thought we were only FWB or something. He reluctantly answered this. I don't want to badger the guy Grin that's what it sounds like reading this back, think I need to chill out!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Louise000000 · 02/03/2020 08:22

Ps he's due to work away in April and I said over the weekend did he think we should finish this then and he gave a definite no, so I'm confident he wants to be with me, he's told his family and friends etc

OP posts:
TeawithCakes · 02/03/2020 08:23

Chill out and play it cool. You’ll soon know what his feelings and intentions are. Hope it works out for you.

FlowerArranger · 02/03/2020 08:32

I guess I was just testing the water first a bit. ... I just wear my heart on my sleeve always have!! I'm also quite impulsive. ... With the feelings chat I kind of asked him!! He reluctantly answered this. ... I said over the weekend did he think we should finish this then and he gave a definite no...

Can you see that all this isn't right? What do you know about self-esteem, resilience, self-reliance?

Please, @Louise000000, do yourself a favour and take some time exploring these essential qualities. Start by reading WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH, by Dr Robin Norwood. It will be time well spent.

Bluntness100 · 02/03/2020 08:34

Hmmm, could you come across a bit needy in relationships op? Asking him if he wished to end it, purely it seems as you wanted reassurance, texting you’re falling for him, again because you wished reassurance that he feels the same. Maybe it’s making him be cautious.

Original poster
Louise000000 · 02/03/2020 08:46

In my defense ive invested alot of time and energy into this person and i want to know how he is feeling too.
Not sure about the self help book, this isnt some kind of pattern I'm forming here with men. Just had a look at the blurb its women who become attached to unavailable men.
Obviously these things written down do sound needy but what do i do if he's not going to offer this information without me asking?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 02/03/2020 08:48

Then op, instead of playing games, and giving him these tests, just ask him. He’s already told you he has feelings. He’s told you he can be guarded. Honestly what are you going to do, check monthly?

Yes it comes across as needy, it would make a lot of people cautious.

vegvegveg · 02/03/2020 08:49

Needy.

RhymingRabbit3 · 02/03/2020 08:52

The problem is there isnt really a suitable response to "I think I'm falling for you" other than "me too". Anything else sounds like a snub, so he cant really win. I think it's better that he didnt just lie and say "me too" if he doesnt feel that way yet.

Spritesobright · 02/03/2020 09:03

I don't think you sound needy. But I wouldn't go on asking as some pp have suggested.
I had a boyfriend like this where I told him I loved him, he said he wasn't there yet. I gave it some time but he never did get there so we finished a few months later.
I do think if you're an open, affectionate person you will need some verbal reassurance from him and if he isn't willing/able to provide it then IMHO it gets pretty difficult to sustain those feelings.

Original poster
Louise000000 · 02/03/2020 09:08

For those who are commenting that I'm needy (ever so helpful btw Smile)
So what is the correct and non needy way to go about things when you are putting. Alot of energy into a person and they are not saying how they feel? Just keep pootling along for another 4 months?

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 02/03/2020 09:25

If I was putting 'a lot of energy' into a person who had basically said they were emotionally unavailable ("guarded due to previously being hurt"), I'd have a word with myself.

He's doing something called 'managing down your expectations' - it's what emotionally unavailable people do. When a healthy person hears 'I'm damaged goods' they head off to find someone who is undamaged. So when you stay, you are already indicating a lack of care for self.

You'll be about to tell me how much you love yourself - but you don't love yourself enough to walk away from someone who is basically saying they haven't done the work to be available to another person. It usually isn't even the truth - watch him snap up a woman he is really into.

Don't be that person who sticks around for years, dragging occasional 'confessions' of affection from a bloke, only to see him up and marry someone else within a few months of ending the relationship.

If you want a man who will say how he feels, end this relationship and find a man like that

Bluntness100 · 02/03/2020 09:28

I think that’s a bit much, saying you can be guarded because if previous hurts doesn’t mean you’re emotionally unavailable, it just means you’re cautious. Confused

Original poster
Louise000000 · 02/03/2020 09:33

I don't think he's emotionally unavailable. He's very affectionate, he acts in a loving way I can see the way he looks at me that there's something there. He talks to his dad (whom he has a close relationship with) about me, his dad asks for me etc. I don't think he would be doing this if he wasn't invested ifswim
I think he's cautious for sure.

OP posts:
LemonTT · 02/03/2020 09:43

I don’t know you. But you seem to have transactional expectations of a relationship. That if you tell him how you feel he must reciprocate. That you “have invested a lot”. What does that even mean? Asking him if he wants to end things is shifting you issue to him as well.

I don’t think people should date or get involved if that are prepared to give willingly of themselves. This doesn’t mean not having boundaries. They will tell you when to call it a day, not the other person. But if you aren’t prepared to accept rejection, or for the relationship to end, don’t get involved.

My question to you is, what is your boundary? You have dated for 4 months. How long will you wait for him to open up? That’s without you cajoling, hinting or coercing an expression of feeling. Because you are certainly in the time zone where both of you need to decide if this should go forward with greater commitment. That needs love.

Breakmystride · 02/03/2020 09:53

How old are you both OP?

crustycrab · 02/03/2020 09:57

He's working away in April so you said you wanted to end things? Confused

Why?! Why is his dad asking for you, that's odd.

Original poster
Louise000000 · 02/03/2020 10:00

Both mid 30s
No I asked what did he see happening when he's away for work, did he want to continue things, did he want to end things. So he said no then asked what did I want.

His dad is asking for me cos he thinks I'm hot Wink kidding, I just mean he's asking how it's going with us etc etc nothing odd I don't think, my mum has asked me the same!!

OP posts:
crustycrab · 02/03/2020 10:04

Why would he end things because he's away for work? Why did anything have to "happen"?

Honestly, sounds like you're playing games. He's right to be wary

Original poster
Louise000000 · 02/03/2020 10:05

So I'm either needy, or I'm with an emotionally unavailable man and need to move on? ConfusedConfused
Ive got a good feeling about this and my gut is telling me he's a good un!!

OP posts:
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