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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help just discovered husbands 2nd affair

182 replies

longhaulstress · 02/03/2020 00:29

I knew something was off. I'm now sitting a few roads away with his phone and have found a massive messaging spree with someone he used to work with who knows us both. Bought us presents when our dc was born.
Sounds like they've met up a few times and kissed/ lots of can't wait to sleep together stuff.

He had an affair 5 years ago we split for 18 months and he spent every week begging for another chance and saying sorry we tried again we have 3 young dc and I wanted to believe he'd changed and now he's done it again.

Please help me.
what do I do now?

OP posts:
lesleyw1953 · 09/03/2020 18:15

So pleased you are getting support - things will get better but I know it's really crap right now. Flowers

Cantpickausername5 · 09/03/2020 18:56

What an absolute idiot he is. You sound so lovely. You also sound so strong and level headed. You will absolutely rise above this, it will take some time but you will.

Missarad · 09/03/2020 20:49

Read the cheating husband part 1 and 2 she was gr8 with how she managed xxx

Redland12 · 09/03/2020 23:37

Sending love 🌹🌹🌹

Sissymate2 · 10/03/2020 18:04

Stay strong!Flowers

Gazelda · 10/03/2020 18:34

Your friends and family will see you through this. You will see your DC through this. It sounds as though you've got a wonderfully loving network. Use it.

Take a day at a time. Your emotions are bound to be all over the place for quite some time. He did this to you. But you will see light and hope again. Promise

Dingdongthewitchisbread · 07/04/2020 04:07

@longhaulstress how are you doing?

Pinkybutterfly · 07/04/2020 09:16

Sending you love and strength xxxxxx hope you and the kids are well

Original poster
longhaulstress · 07/04/2020 09:41

Hi thankyou both for asking. In all honesty I'm really struggling. H has moved in with a single male friend (they're both key workers). I've been furloughed so I'm here with the kids trying to comfort, reassure them, and do their homeschooling. He can't take the children as he's just renting a room from his friend so has been coming here taking the children for their walk/exercise. Eldest dd still isn't speaking to him (the older 2 know what he did).

He is still apologising and saying he would love for us to be together but Im not forgiving him I also had a parking ticket delivered here last week for a hotel car park for a few days after I found out.
Despite him telling me again and again he hadn't spoken to her I told him the photo was of them both in the car (they weren't) and he admitted that they'd met to call things off(was only 40 mins so I know they didn't stay over). He just lies and lies and lies.

I still haven't got the anger through yet either I was mainly numb for the first couple of weeks after the first few days of devastation but this last week I've been feeling all the emotions and now I have no support network as everyone has their own stuff on and That just can't be helped. People have been texting/calling me but equally I haven't wanted to burden people with everything's that has happened.
I've got so much time to think as well whereas I would have been distracting myself with busying myself with work, friends, family etc now there's just nothing.

Sorry for the essay it just feels so good to be able to tell everything.

OP posts:
disposablegirl · 07/04/2020 18:53

@longhaulstress

Gosh. I'm so heartbroken for you and really sorry you're going through this. Please stay strong and safe. Rant on here if you want. We care about you x

DBML · 07/04/2020 19:31

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. What an idiot. And why would you need to meet at a hotel to ‘call things off’. You just don’t contact them. He really is a stupid man and you and your lovely children deserve better. I hope he’s miserable right now.

OnceUponAMidnightBeery · 09/04/2020 16:25

Please keep talking here if you want to. We’re all here for you, even in the middle of the night I’ve posted and there’s always been someone around to talk to.

You are not burdening anyone, friends, family or us vipers.

You are a lovely person and you WILL be ok.

Original poster
longhaulstress · 12/04/2020 17:01

I feel like I'm going out of my mind. He's here this afternoon to see the kids and do a dinner for them and I've ended up cooking while he plays with the kids. This is is so fucking shit I'm swinging between rage and sadness. He's said I should have let him know if I didn't want him round as he's had a bad Easter Sunday. HE's had a bad day?????
Try every day being a bad fucking day and there's nowhere I can go I'm trapped here. I hate this so much I feel like I'm about to explode. Can't discuss anything as the kids are always hanging around or near us which adds to this build up of all my feelings as I can't talk about anything with anyone. Just need to vent. I'm downing wine to try and numb the pain.

OP posts:
pickingdaisies · 12/04/2020 17:26

Ah, love, tell him he needs to go. Picking them up for a walk is not the same as manspreading himself all over your space. He goes now. Git.

PianoTuner567 · 12/04/2020 17:39

Don’t go down the road of letting him hang around your house, stay for dinner etc. it’ll blur the boundaries and make it all worse.

pickingdaisies · 12/04/2020 18:43

Pianotuner has nailed it. Someone I know allowed this at the start, he was round for his dinner every weekend for the next 5 years.

Mumofboysngrls · 12/04/2020 19:53

Im so sorry, this is a stressful enough time with the pandemic without the added horror of a marriage breakup. I think its important that you do what is right for you. If that means not having him over then so be it. He is having a bad day but you are having a bad year because of him.

hevs03 · 13/04/2020 19:08

Hi @longhaulstress have read your post and feel so angry for you really hope you got through yesterday and today has been better for you x

Original poster
longhaulstress · 13/04/2020 20:19

Thankyou. I ended up turning everything off in the kitchen and went for an hours walk in the rain so he had to do everything. I just feel so weak and stupid I cry every evening. It's not so bad in the day and I'm busy with the children but the evening/nighttime is when I have time to think even when I'm trying to distract myself.

I know that logically I'm so much better off without him but emotionally I'm not there yet. It still hurts so badly. The rejection, betrayal, lies.

In the 2 weeks before i found out we didn't argue at all, he took me out for brunch one day, I had made him breakfast in bed another day, I had also researched and cooked him a proper Spanish tapas meal for Valentine's Day. We were watching a tv series together and we'd slept together 3 times and had a city break booked for mid March together. I know nobody needs to know all that but I just want to say that things were genuinely good or they were in my mind. He'd been a little distant but feb is a really stressful month at work for him. I picked up the majority of household stuff/childcare and told him to go and take naps as he was doing such long days. I feel SUCH an idiot. When I was reading that thread about affair signs before I went to bed the night I found out I really didn't expect to find anything and the shock that he'd done it to me again I still get can't get over.
Why go to such vast lengths to try and get back together the first time round if he was just going to do this to me and so soon in the scheme of things. We officially got back together start of 2017 so only lasted 3 years till he did it again.

What makes it more confusing for me is that he is still constantly texting to say how much he loves me, how much he regrets everything and how much he wants us to be back together. He says she meant nothing to him so then why do it in the first place if she literally meant nothing. It makes no sense in my head. It's just meaningless.

Sorry for another long vent it's just I'm so trapped here, literally at home and trapped in my own head with all these stupid thoughts.

OP posts:
WorriedMum6868 · 13/04/2020 20:26

OP
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Keep venting if it helps. I know it doesnt feel like it now but this pain will ease over timeFlowers

BettyButtercup · 13/04/2020 20:52

OP we're here, we're listening. Keep talking as much as you need to x

pickingdaisies · 18/04/2020 09:13

How's it going, OP? I don't know how they do this, I think that's why it's so hard to get your head around, because we can't see ourselves being able to behave like that ourselves. And yet they can and do.

Original poster
longhaulstress · 19/04/2020 19:12

Yes I agree that it's because we're not wired like that which makes it so hard to understand.
His first affair was someone at work and I think it was one of those things that wasn't initially planned (obviously there was no excuse) whereas this was someone he used to work with and started messaging on Instagram a while ago so it's been calculated from the beginning.
And like I told him- what are the chances I've stumbled upon 2 affairs, chances are there's been more and I've never known. He says no but his word obviously means nothing.

I've found it a bit easier the last few day. He was asking to come round this weekend one evening to spend time with me and seemed genuinely surprised that I didn't invite him round despite having not spent any time alone with him since it happened. I told him I would never sleep with him again, (haven't since before I found out) I told him I would feel so cheap and that I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did that. He came for a few hours this afternoon on his day off to spend time with the children again but i just pottered round the house and he left before dinner. He was being pretty mournful but I left him to it. Just can't wait for this lockdown to be over and I can move on with the next part of my life.

OP posts:
pickingdaisies · 21/04/2020 20:25

You sound so much stronger and confident in yourself, so sorry you have to get through this lockdown rubbish, no doubt though that you can do this. Flowers

TwistyHair · 21/04/2020 20:32

Glad you felt a bit better recently. How has today been? He clearly doesn’t get it at all if he’s been saying those things about loving you and her meaning nothing. I don’t think I could ever understand that. Hope you’re ok

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