Please help just discovered husbands 2nd affair

[longhaulstress]

I knew something was off. I'm now sitting a few roads away with his phone and have found a massive messaging spree with someone he used to work with who knows us both. Bought us presents when our dc was born.
Sounds like they've met up a few times and kissed/ lots of can't wait to sleep together stuff.

He had an affair 5 years ago we split for 18 months and he spent every week begging for another chance and saying sorry we tried again we have 3 young dc and I wanted to believe he'd changed and now he's done it again.

Please help me.
what do I do now?

So sorry 💐

Spend today going through any paperwork of his that you might need.

I'm sorry OP. It's going to be a long hard road but try not to worry too much about the kids - they're resilient. Look after yourself x

Sending you the biggest hug ever xxxx

Another massive hug from me too

I think going through paperwork and making sure you have access to statements of everything, that any savings that are accessible to him, half is placed in a place he can’t get it

Once you have this, you’ll be in a position to look at financial calculators to see what your financial situation will be

Entitledto.com is a good place to look

He does need to move out so that you have the space you need to process this, and he needs to know that it’s non-negotiable. You need to care for you and the kids

The kids will be fine, honestly.

He says he's a mess and a fuck Up - oh boo-boo whore...not your fucking problem OP

I don't know how I'm going to be able to get through it this time - by keeping in the forefront of your mind that once you get rid of this bin diver for good you never have to deal with this shit again.

He's a serial cheat with an ego that needs to be continuously stroked OP, in other words of zero use to you or your family unit.

I’m so sorry this is happened to you OP Cheaters like him rarely change and to throw the second chance you gave him back in your face is absolutely disgraceful. Your children will be fine, as will you, in time. You deserve so much better than this.

Didn't want to read and run - so very sorry you are going through this OP, as a PP said, it really puts my problems in perspective right now.

If it's any small comfort my children were tweens when ex and I divorced and they are just fine now. It was tough at the time obviously, but kids are really resilient and will get through it and adjust to new living circumstances.

Sending you much love and strength - you can do this xx

I am so sorry. I have been there - it was the 2nd affair he had too, it was two years ago. Your hearts racing and you have adrenaline - use the adrenaline to fight back against him, not cry and beg him to leave her etc (this is what I did and I'll regret that until I die).

You DO heal and you DO claw your way upwards a stronger, wiser and independent woman. It takes time but eventually you'll feel happy you didn't waste anymore of your life on him.

Someone on here said that a broken heart feels like a horrible illness and injury in one, and takes the longest time to heal - it's so right. There's the shock and the disbelief and the hopelessness and the fear of the responsibility of what happens next. Then all the work you have to put in to create a new life for you and your DC. The men who do this to us don't have a CLUE of the full scale of their actions. But it's worth it in the end. And in the end it's him who'll regret the loss of the family life he could have had with you and his children.

Keep coming back for any support you need. I wish I had at the time but I didn't even think to. DON'T forgive him. He'll continue to treat you like this because he can.

@longhaulstress sorry to hear about this.
Such a shock, deep disappointment & betrayal for you.

Today, gather key documents - marriage certificate, birth certificates, proof of income, debts & savings, tax , anything to do with your home - mortgage, tenancy etc. If you find any other evidence of the affair, collate that as well. Store all these somewhere safe.

Use your time right now to go to the Law Society website solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/ to find your local Family Law specialist solicitor who does Legal Aid.

Ring this morning when they open, get an appointment for advice about a divorce. Then breathe.

At this stage you need the advice about your rights & what the processes of separation & divorce are so that a course of action, as & when you are ready, is clearly defined.

This information will tether you to a practical reality as the shock of the discovery deepens.

I am not saying that you must divorce but you have said to him that if he betrays you again (& this time you have found out early on) you will end the relationship. - so you need to follow through in a way that works for you.

I'm really sorry to read this, longhaul. What an absolute shit he is. As Turtles said in her post, he knew exactly what the consequences would be after the last time - and he did it again. You'd never, ever be able to regain that trust because how would you ever know?

Parents splitting up isn't the worst thing that can happen to children. They are more resilient than you think and a happy home with you is more than enough. If their dad is a good father then he can carry on being a good father. That's up to him.

I think you've had really good advice; getting your thoughts in order and talking through the next stage with someone you trust will be a good next step and you'll hopefully feel less alone.

Something to think about is getting some legal advice now too and getting all agreements nailed down. He feels guilty right now because the chickens have come home to roost - but when reality starts biting, he may start coming to terms with any largess and renege on it. Get it nailed down whilst he's still 'sorry'.

I'm sorry that you're having to go through this.

I'm so sorry to read this OP.

Only the few cheaters who commit to ongoing therapy for themselves ever seem to become better people and partners worthy of a second chance. There are many who talk the talk but don't make any real or lasting attempt to learn why they cope with unhappiness or inadequacy or fear by cheating.

He had a second chance. He doesn't get a third because no amount of apology is equivalent to doing the 5 years of personal therapy work he should have been doing, the books on infidelity he should have been reading and the compassion for your broken heart that should have stopped him hurting you again.

Bin him absolutely. You forgave one affair after he cried and begged and now he has just shat all over you and your little family.

You can and will survive without him

Don't do anything right now.
You need to process this.

Also, ignore those who say capture evidence etc. You know it happened. You don't have to prove it. They just want to extend the drama.

I wouldn't let him know, but when you're feeling up to it, then figure out what you want to do and start doing it.

Have a hug - what a nasty thing to do. Selfish man...

Stay strong OP.

You forgave him once and he's thrown it back in your face. You are not a doormat and don't deserve what he has done to you.

Your kids might be upset to begin with but children are very resilient and it's better than them picking up the message that your husband can just cheat on you whenever he likes.

Don't let him love bomb you with promises, he had his chance and blew it. Listen to some angry breakup music, get your ducks in a row, take care of you and your kids.

Is the OW married too?

I’m so sorry he’s done this to you. Especially after forgiving him the first time.

God you poor thing. What an arse. He's never going to change. As you said you went through so much last time. Just make sure that this is the last time you have to suffer this. If you stay with him you will most likely have to go through all this pain yet again.

Kids are resilient, they adapt easily enough. They will be proud of you for standing up for yourself and to not allow yourself to be treated like a door mat.

From threads on here and people I know, the thoughts of breaking up are overwhelming, all the things that need to be done suddenly seem impossible and staying seems the easier option. However, every thread and every person I know are all thankful they left/ ended things. By sorting one thing at a time it didn't seem as overwhelming, things fell into place and they ended up much happier.

This is not the life you want or deserve. I wish you luck.

Men/husbands who cheat are only remorseful and so very sorry when they are caught out. Not sorry while getting away with it. He is in a mess? He would not be feeling in a mess while in bed with the OW.

If he has done it twice to your knowledge then he would do it a third time if you let him stay. Harsh but true.

You will have had little or any sleep too which will make you feel ratty and having the children to deal with today will exhaust you so gather your physical and mental strength and get through these next few days while ridding yourself of this man who does not love you (enough) and is not putting his children very high on his list of important people in his life either.

Stay strong xx

‘ Also, ignore those who say capture evidence etc. You know it happened. You don't have to prove it. They just want to extend the drama.’ Not so.

Yes, Op does know it has happened.
No more evidence required for that.

The documentation will be required for any formal meetings with the solicitor, & at varying stages of settlements during a divorce or formal separation. Also for any benefit claims &/or formal child maintenance agreements.

Just common sense, no drama.

Op your world will be so much better without him.

Who needs enemies when you have a partner like that eh.

Everything you’ve been living is a lie- you get one very short life op, you can live and do this alone until someone comes along who will brighten your world.

Good luck!

He is devastated?! How dare he!

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. As PP have said, now is the time to gather everything important that you will need.

I would also say that you need to tell him to leave right now, to give you some space to work out what you need/want to do next. The ball is very much in your court right now.

I’m so sorry to read your post.
Please try and eat and get some sleep.

I am so sorry this has happened to you .You dont deserve to be treated like this by yet another entitled ,selfish prick of a man. ATM you are in shock and disbelief . The problem is many men just cant seem to accept that their chances are blown ! If he comes to you begging for a 3rd(WTF)! chance ,Stay firm .Your children will not be damaged for life ,they will join thousands of other children in a similar position . If you stay with him ,he will just take it as read that he can do whatever he wants with no consequences !Dont you deserve better ? I think you know you do deep down .Its not 1950 any more ,yes families having Dinner together are good ,but so are Mums and children ,step families etc .Outside apperances are just that ,No one cares in the long run ! You gave him another chance hes blown it .You face a lifetime of being cheated on if you stay .You managed to part for 18 months before ,you can do it again !Sending hugs your way, take care and stay strong xx

All I can say with any certainty is that this will NOT ruin your children’s lives. It really won’t.

Please don’t let that worry make you stay, if you want to go.