Please help just discovered husbands 2nd affair

[longhaulstress]

I knew something was off. I'm now sitting a few roads away with his phone and have found a massive messaging spree with someone he used to work with who knows us both. Bought us presents when our dc was born.
Sounds like they've met up a few times and kissed/ lots of can't wait to sleep together stuff.

He had an affair 5 years ago we split for 18 months and he spent every week begging for another chance and saying sorry we tried again we have 3 young dc and I wanted to believe he'd changed and now he's done it again.

Please help me.
what do I do now?

Don't worry too much about how the children will cope. What I mean is that children would rather have two loving parents who are civil with each other than parents who stay together just for their sake. My oldest childhood friend is getting a divorce, married for 10 years with 3 young children. Childhood sweethearts, both religious and part of a close-knit religious community. In my friend's case there wasn't infidelity but I just wanted to say that it can all work out for the better after a divorce. My friend is much happier now, the children are happy and settled and see their father all the time. Divorce doesn't have to ruin lives, it can be the start of something new and better. This man has now cheated twice, you OP definitely deserve better than him! Your children deserve to see two happy parents.

He is sorry now he has been caught, but you cannot forgive him again,
You said it would be over if he did it again, he did it, if you forgive, it will just keep on happening.
He has no respect for you as a person, its not just "fun, emotional affair, s/texting", it's all cheating, & he happily carries on his "home life", knowing that he is emotionally elsewhere & lusting after another woman.
You are just comfortable, take care of the domestics, he is too lazy & complacent to leave. Sorry

Honestly, leave him. I wasted 10 years of my life and thousands of pounds bailing him out only to have been royally shafted in the divorce.
He’s married to his next victim now, all happy and settled and I’m still paying off the debt and holding the baby.
Just rip the plaster off quick and get him out of your life is my advice

You poor love. I was there 4 months ago. Try to take it an hour, or a minute at a time for today. My advice would be to ask him to leave with a bag packed now "for a few days" to enable you to process it. Then call a close friend to come round today to help you begin to do that. You're in shock and you won't be able to talk through anything with him today, please don't try.

@Delicatelyscentedflavour

I'm all for people having a different point of view, but guilting someone who is vulnerable and upset to stay in a marriage where her husband has cheated twice is awful advice.

Do not dare guilt her into staying for the sake of "the children". She did not cheat. She did not break up the family. He did. It's on him that it's over. The kids will look back and admire their mum for leaving him. In a few years, she will be genuinelg happy and free of the worry he needlessly put on her. If she stays with him, it's another few years of anxiety before he inevitably fucks up for a third time. No one deserves that hanging over them.

Just because you want to be a doormat doesn't mean others do. Encourage women to be worth more. This isn't the 1950s anymore.

He is only upset he has been caught and his cosy life may be taken from him.

If you hadn't found out he would carry on doing this with no upset.

You can't change him.

All you can do is decide if you put up with it again (and stay in the knowledge it will happen again and again) or end it.

Taking him back the first time was a green light for him to do it again.
Why did you take a cheating scumbag back again? Once a cheat always a strong possibility they'll do it again.
You don't need us to tell you to LTB.

Thank you for all your messages I'll read through more properly later. he's gone for the day and I've got a couple of friends here helping me.

Keep strong OP and don't listen to any of his crap no matter how much he begs

He is devastated but just kept saying I didn't deserve it

Well that's one thing he's got right - though it's probably only been said in a attempt to claw back some of his "good guy" image

I can't improve on the excellent advice you've already had, but would strongly suggest that you ask him to leave while you reach a decision. There's no need to do anything instantly, but it's unlikely you'll be able to think straight while he stays there whining about how "devastated" he is

And I'm deeply sorry you're going through this at all; I've been there and IME the second time round is even worse than the first for all the reasons given

I'm glad your friends are with you OP. You've had some good advice on this thread, but you need help IRL. 💐

One day at a time OP. This reminds me of something Nora Ephron said: after her husband's first affair she thought he'd learned his lesson. Unfortunately the lesson he learned was that he could treat her like shit and she'd put up with it. Don't put up with it.

@longhaulstress

Cannot imagine how shaken up you feel right now, it must be so painful. Sending love and strength, get away from.this man

Dont believe his lies

You will be happy again. You'll look back in this and wonder why you gave him the chances you did in the first place.

He doesn't deserve you, or your love, or the family you've created.

Good to hear that you have friends with you.

I'm so sad for you OP. You sound like you really loved him. But you know what you have to do.

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. I too am in a very similar position. Told the children on Saturday and the eldest (9) was so shocked as to everyone else we seem like this perfect happy family. PM me if you like - maybe we can support each other. I too don't want to be doing this and just keep wanting to go back in time. I feel like I'm being dragged through this messed up life completely against my wishes. I'd do literally anything to protect my children from harm 😞

Tonight when your friends have gone and you can't sleep, get the ChumpLady audiobook and listen to it. Follow the advice - it's the best there is. Listen to it lots over and over again in the coming months. It'll get you through.

Love, hugs and best wishes to you, OP. I might be a stranger on the internet, but I know you deserve more than this. And you do too. Be strong.

OP and Jackerroosmum, I'm so, so sorry you're going through this. I don't have much to add to the amazing advice you've been given on here, but the most important thing is to take care of yourselves. Sending you both love, strength and a hand hold x

well he was always going to cheat again so no surprise there.

what should you do, kick him out of course!

Having a moment in the silence before kids come back in an hour. I've talked a lot and I have good friends we talked and cried and they bought me food, did my dishes and one has gone to research divorce options for me. Another one has picked my kids up. I am lucky to have this network but equally I wish wish wish I didn't need it right now.

So sorry OP your doing the right thing though.

You will be much better off without him.

Hopefully he does the decent thing and not make this too difficult for you.

I'm so, so sorry you are going through this, I'm glad you've got friends there today supporting you.

You did a very difficult thing in forgiving him for the first affair and agreeing to work through it. It takes a lot of tears and strength to do something like that, and he has basically shit all over it and thrown it back in your face. I'm so sorry.

I'm not always automatically 'LTB' as I think sometimes humans make mistakes and some things can be worked through if there is genuine remorse and trust can be rebuilt. However in this case I'm saying end it. He's already seen once already how much hurt it caused you, and he should be on his knees with gratitude that you even gave him another chance. Instead he's gone and done it again. You will never trust him again now. I'm guessing that you hadn't really managed to trust him again after his first affair, given that you felt the need to check his phone (no judgement here, I know how it feels).

From my own experience, I would say the most important thing now is to make him leave (you can call it temporary for now) so you can think things over and try to get a clear head. This is the mistake I made after my husband did something awful to break my trust. I threw him out but he was begging forgiveness and I let him back in less than a week. It's the biggest regret I have, not giving myself more time, because 6 months down the line I'm still not sure I did the right thing.

Right now you will be devastated and terrified of the thought of breaking your family up. This was me, and because (as above) I didn't give myself enough time on my own to think things through and get past that initial feeling of fear and devastation, I gave in and let him back. Right now, you are maybe even tempted to give him yet another chance - and I don't judge you at all because I know how it feels. However I promise you this, you will NEVER trust him again now. It will never feel the same. He'll promise you anything and everything, he'll probably offer to go to counselling, constant access to his phone, but nothing will ever be enough. I wish I'd been brave enough at the time to end it because now I'm just living a daily nightmare so please dont be me. As someone said above - it really won't ruin your kids lives, I see so many posts on here from women who have left and are so much happier now that they're not living with that constant uncertainty of not trusting someone.

for you

Oh bless you, such a terrible shock and one I also know well. I'll echo what @bluehairandheartbroken has said in her last sentence. I didn't get past the scared to be alone and worried about the kids stage and stayed with my H and 2 years on I wished to god I'd been braver and thrown him to the kerb. Don't be me, once a cheater always a cheater, he's proved that as has mine (turns out he cheated on his first wife) unbeknown to me.. be strong my lovely, sounds like you have amazing friends helping you xx

How utterly devastating that he would do this again knowing the pain he will have caused you the first time. No wonder he’s upset - he’s upset to be caught and now he knows he’s blown it. You’ll never ever be happy with him.

So great you have good friends. Let them support you. Be kind to yourself.

It wont ruin kids lives - kids are more resilient than you think.