Please help just discovered husbands 2nd affair

[longhaulstress]

I knew something was off. I'm now sitting a few roads away with his phone and have found a massive messaging spree with someone he used to work with who knows us both. Bought us presents when our dc was born.
Sounds like they've met up a few times and kissed/ lots of can't wait to sleep together stuff.

He had an affair 5 years ago we split for 18 months and he spent every week begging for another chance and saying sorry we tried again we have 3 young dc and I wanted to believe he'd changed and now he's done it again.

Please help me.
what do I do now?

Didn't want to read and run. Wishing you courage. Please be fierce with him and kind to yourself

Thinking of you op

He really is not husband or father material - I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. You deserve better - and so do your children.

There will be lots of difficult times ahead; but I am sure there will be women on here who can tell you that there is life after this sort of betrayal. I send you all good wishes.

I know you're seeing a rough road ahead, but with friends like those you have with you now, you will be just fine.

Is there any way you can message him and ask tell him not to come home 'for a few days' forever. You really need some time to yourself to get 'centered' and catch your breath. You won't be able to do that with his damned cheating face round the house acting like nothing's wrong (or worse, sucking up and trying to 'love bomb' you).

OP, I've been through exactly this. 3 years later myself and my 4 DC are fine. PM me for advice and stay safe xx

He is really trying to 'love bomb' me I just feel a bit detached from him and like I've been emotionally wrung out today. I've already said to him that he can say all the words he wants to but his actions are what matters and he has ruined it all.
Thankyou to all about your messages regarding the children and personal stories/experience I cannot tell you how much comfort and hope that gives me.

How can I PM posters on the app?

@longhaulstress

Hope you are ok..just been there and its horrible
Can I ask who this woman is? Can you contact her and ask her what's going on? I just think you may hear more of a different story from her
Also, you mention he did this 18 months ago. What happened? Was it physical/emotional?

He needs to fuck off and receive some consequences of his choices for once. Tell him to fuck off to his parents/current lover and not to contact you except to forward his STD test results.

@chuckles I’m so sorry you had to go through it too. Such a waste of time, us supporting and staying with them even though they cheated - only to realize they can’t have had any care or any idea of what we went through the first time. If they had felt an ounce of our pain they would never ever do it again.

I look back and feel immense sadness on all the memories that are tainted, with the kids and wandering why DH was ‘somewhere else’ either physically or mentally, or snuggling up with him on the sofa and being brushed away and not knowing why. Many years when we could have all had such fun together, and really good times! Yet we never could. Those years we never get back.

So sorry OP. When you are being love bombed it is probably the hardest. He is giving you every reason to be as deluded as he is, and making it all about him and what he wants. If he had any decency now he’d leave and hang his head in shame.

Been where your are. Second time I found out I told him to leave straightaway as i could not spend anothet night under same roof as him. Best decision I ever made. What advice would you give to your children if someone cheated on them twice. Didn't get my now xh the chance to love bomb me, I would never be able to trust him again. .could you?

OP, is he still living at home? He really needs to be out of your space so you can process all this without his toxic presence. He believes that he can manipulate you to not follow through with ending the marriage.

I'm so sorry, OP.
I URGE you to go to the Chumplady site and read it through. It explains a lot.
My husband had an 18 month affair with someone I thought was a close friend. It absolutely destroyed me at the time and for years afterwards. I still have PTSD.
We split, tried to get back together, but it was hopeless. I now know that it wasn't his first affair.
But, and this is my point, we are now separated and co-parent brilliantly. We still have family meals out, do birthdays and Christmas etc together. We both have no desire to get back together but, the point I'm trying to make is, if he's a decent father (apart from fucking over the mother of his children twice 🙄), your children will be fine. And you'll be free, so free from the anxiety and mistrust and gaslighting.
Go read Chump lady's Leave a Cheater, gain a life. It's all in there.
Sending you all the strength.

He's still at home but only because the last time I kicked him out I had to cope with all the emotional shit and everything to do with the kids. I'm going to stay at my parents house a couple of nights this week once the kids are in bed then I'm actually going away at the weekend with friends to a cottage (was pre- booked) which I'm still going to as it will give me some proper space from him. That's all I've planned so far and then telling the children after I'm back.

I think that is a really good place actually, it gives you (the most important person here) the space you need to keep going in the short term.

And you have us.

((((Hug))))

Good Plan not place

@Bellafish

I sent the woman a screenshot of the messages I'd found and she wrote back how sorry she was and that it was some stupid messages that had got out of hand and she'd never contact him again. Doesn't matter anyway, her apologies mean nothing but at least they haven't got all the secrecy together. She was married I think she's going through a divorce.

I think you can forgive them once (I did) but not a second time, as it shows that no lessons were learnt and H basically doesn’t give a flying f**k what devastation he causes. I can imagine the pain you are in right now, but I am sure that once a good period of time passes you and your DCs will be better than fine. X

Oh I'm sorry, how horrible! What a d**k!

I know it's not a lot, but I hope you manage to at least get some time to rest and think about what you need to do when you go to the cottage break.

Hope you manage to have as good a time as you possibly can! With lots of chats and drinks x

Obviously there is no way forward but to end it.
There's no way at all you could trust a man who begged you for 18 months to take him back and then did the same thing again and risked losing you.
He's an absolute cunt. Maybe he is devastated but not for the right reasons and in the right way. He's only devastated for himself...and given the chance he'll do the same thing again.

Your kids lives won't be ruined. Kids adapt and come to terms with things pretty quickly.

I am so glad you have a good network supporting you.
You will get through this

Oh some messages that got out of hand! Too little too late now they’ve blown your family apart.

They deserve each other, I’d be tempted to tell her husband

How are you doing @longhaulstress

@longhaulstress really admiring of your strong stance and your refusal to be disrespected and devalued any more.

Well done you, to withdraw with dignity. Of course you have great friends and a network, you sound like a wonderful person.

I second @ChuckleBuckles and @Coolcucumber2020 - INFIDELITY IS ABUSE.

When I look back at the disdain, abandonment, contempt and outright disrespect with which he treated me, that my children had to witness?
That marriage was domestic violence without a finger being lifted.

I was in therapy for years, also had PTSD and one of my children (his favourite of course) had drug issues.

I was trying so hard to keep my family together ...

Now he is invested in a second family and has abandoned our children. I never thought he would do this! He swore he wouldn't. They never change.

It's so lovely that people are still asking after me so Thank-you.
The weekend away was perfectly timed and I still had a good time despite everything until I was due home and knew we had to tell the dc's.
We told the children when I got back although I made dh tell them and the reason why (except the youngest) as I knew they wouldn't understand otherwise as it is so literally out of the blue. It was an awful evening but that's it now he's gone to a friends spare room for the rest of the week and taken lots of his stuff.

My sister came round and helped me clean the house as I'd neglected it all week. I actually feel a bit stronger at the moment and it helps having so many people on my side, on here and in real life so many people are reaching out and with genuine offers of help. I've got another friend coming round this evening to talk.

*The weekend away was with friends btw not XH