Please help just discovered husbands 2nd affair

[longhaulstress]

I knew something was off. I'm now sitting a few roads away with his phone and have found a massive messaging spree with someone he used to work with who knows us both. Bought us presents when our dc was born.
Sounds like they've met up a few times and kissed/ lots of can't wait to sleep together stuff.

He had an affair 5 years ago we split for 18 months and he spent every week begging for another chance and saying sorry we tried again we have 3 young dc and I wanted to believe he'd changed and now he's done it again.

Please help me.
what do I do now?

What Winterlife said. Get those very important ducks in a row!

Take pictures, keep schtum, and SEE A SOLICITOR ASAP.

The important thing now is to keep things to yourself until you have made a definite plan. I know it's hard, but you don't want to go off half-cocked.

Do you have anyone in RL you can speak to about this? Someone who will keep your confidences and will be able to keep a straight face in front of him?

Go home, kick him out RIGHT NOW, and divorce him. That's what you do.

Just to say I’ve been where you are. I can honestly say it was worse the second time. Such a shock. Just sending hugs and

I would now
Photo with your phone all the messages.
Check his phone usage in settings. See if he’s on anything suspicious
Check everything you can.

Then go home. Let yourself feel terrible. Dry your tears.

But do not do anything.

Act normal. When everyone in school or gone. Phone someone you trust. Talk it through in rl

Then decide what to do. I’d advise kicking him out to give you time to think.

I’d be tempted to change her number on his phone to your number. You’ll be able to see what he’s intending to text her

Also I know about the shaking. I shook on my whole body.

The urge is to do something. But only horrible emotional arguments can come at this time. I confronted my Ex in the middle of the night. By email / text as I was away and had just found out. His reply shocked me even more as he turned it on me and denied it.

So don’t talk to him.

Wait until tomorrow morning and talk to a trusted person first. If it’s appropriate you could get them to meet DH with a bag of his things or even be there after you’ve told him to leave.

I've had this. Literally shaking uncontrollably, its shock and rage and disbelief.
Get all the evidence.
Go to sleep. Dont mention it In morning. Avoid him in the morning by getting in the shower, dropping kids off etc as you might not trust yourself to not breakdown.
You do need to end it. But you might not be ready to straight away. As others have said get some support. I'm sorry this has happened. X

Thank you for all the messages it means a lot as I don't feel I can ring anyone till tomorrow.

I had to confront him (I'm sorry I couldn't hold it in I thought he'd Find out somehow and wanted to confront him when I had the upper hand_ but I have got lots of evidence on my phone from it all).

He is devastated but just kept saying I didn't deserve it. He likes her I can tell. I feel physically sick my world is literally in pieces. We went out for a family dinner before and to all the world we looked like a lovely happy family and now this. He kept saying he'll do whatever I want but I don't want any of this. He says he's a mess and a fuck Up but I don't care i just want to to back in time.
I haven't begged him to stay but he's not going to work tomorrow like he did last time he's sorting the kids out then I don't know what.

My poor kids don't deserve this we escaped much damage to them last time, kept them shielded but they the older 2 are tweens the worst time for this to have happened. It's going to ruin their lives as to them we look like a happy couple it's going to come from nowhere for them. I can't process any of it. This is a living nightmare.

I'm so sorry, longhaulstress.

Take a step back and think about what you want.

There is no rush because your emotions will be all over the place at the moment.

It won't ruin their lives. I think many people presume this but their dad is a cheat. You staying with him will ruin your life.

I’m so sorry, I have been in the same place as you. The trust has gone and you will never get that back, always wondering. I thought to myself if he loved me why would he do it AGAIN. It’s so disrespectful, hurtful, the pain is immeasurable ,I felt like I was Drowning. I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I know the anguish you are feeling, but don’t stay with him, take stock and you call the shots. You deserve so much better, our children are much older than yours and their relationship with him is still strained. My mind is a peace without him. 🌹

OP, I am so sorry for your terrible pain.

This man has no integrity. After his previous affair, he begged every week for 18 months to come back. He has taken his second chance and thrown it in the gutter. Not only did he choose to lie, cheat and shatter you all over again, he has also betrayed his children.

His ‘I’m such a mess’ is a manipulation to get your sympathy. Don’t fall for it. He felt entitled to pursue an illicit ego boost with this OW and make a fool of you. Get angry and kick him out, OP. He has proven twice that he is utterly untrustworthy.

It's going to ruin their lives

I promise you it won't OP. My dad had an affair during my A-Level year. Walked out on us without even saying bye. It was just me and my mum.

That was 14 years ago now and I've never set eyes on him since. Sometimes our lives change course, but you're presuming the worst for your DC and it doesn't need to be that way.

Don't let that be a factor in making the decision to end your marriage if you otherwise feel its the right thing for you. Kids are resilient, they'll adapt as they need to

OP, I also want to stress that his infidelity is not due to anything you did or didn’t do. This is about his selfishness and unethical choices. A future with him would cause you untold anxiety and uncertainty, and would be an unhealthy environment and poor relationship model for the children.

He’s panicking now because he wants to live with his children but he also wants to be able to have affairs. That doesn’t work for you. When both of the affairs that you know about were a secret, he didn’t care that it didn’t work for you.

Firstly I absolutely promise you, him leaving will NOT ruin your children's lives

It will mess them up for a while but it won't ruin them

This will really really ruin your life for a while - it will - but this man is not worthy of you - and your life WILL blossom again and you will grow so much from this

Such easy words to say and so easy to see from my position - but oh boy those words are true

HE IS NOT WORTHY OF YOU

I’m sorry Op. I think if it was me, I wouldn’t settle for second best. You are worth so much more.

You have had so much good advice here.
I would also set up a new email account and email yourself the screenshots. As I can almost guarantee he will the go delete the evidence you have captured off your phone.

Had he shown any remorse - not guilt but remorse. Is he wants to keep you or is going to take more than him looking after the kids did a morning.

Frankly I would not give a second/third chance. He has done this before and a red line has been crossed.

He will try to minimse the relationship - remember they only admit to what they think you know.

He will also probably try to blame you - it is very typical to not take responsibility. I.e. I would not have done it if you had of been less busy with the kids etc. Mine told me “you iron slower than my mom therefore I had to have an affair”.
No mate you had an affair as you are a selfish prick who put his needs before the family.

He now need to live the reality of his choice. Do not do the pick me dance. Start living as if the marriage is over. Ie he is the one who leaves the bedroom and must sleep on the sofa/in the spare room. You no longer cook for him or do his washing. Do not make this easy for him.

And finally - I promise you one day you will look back and be living a better life with a partner who treats you with respect and children who are seeing what a good relationship is and who live in a happy home.
Their lives and yours will not be ruined.

I left after a second affair (or at least the second one I knew about) in similar circumstances. Both times he was devastated, crying, couldn't believe what he'd done, swearing never again etc etc.
I think the problem with a second one is that he knows the consequences and does it anyway. It's a flashing red sign that 'never again' has no real truth to it no matter how devastated he acts.
For me, having DC was a motivating factor in ending it, rather than staying. I couldn't face the thought of my DS growing up and thinking that it was normal for men treat their wives like that.
I'm really sorry OP. Like I've said, I've been there. Look after yourself as much as possible. The good news (I think), is that you're right in the storm of the hardest part. It only goes up from here

I know that it must end I think that's why I'm in such pain. That this is going to have to be the start of the whole messy horrible painful process which was awful enough the 1st time but I don't know how I'm going to be able to get through it this time. So many painful things keep flashing up- The messages between them/what he's going to do/ what I'm going to do/ kids/finances/custody/telling people/being a single parent/loneliness. Even writing this is horrible.

Oh absolutely what Turtles said ‘ I think the problem with a second one is that he knows the consequences and does it anyway.

He knew it would devastate you and he did it anyway.
He knew he would very likely mean losing his family and he did it anyway.

This man is not a good man, you and your kids deserve better than to have someone in their lives whose priority is always going to be someone else, HIM.

I know this feels like the end of the world but you will survive. You will come out stronger. It will take time. And no, your kids lives will not be ruined. One of my daughter’s best friends parents are divorced, she is a wonderful girl, sweet, balanced and far less of a screw up than some other teens I know so have hope!

Remember whatever he says, actions speak louder than words and to quote Maya Angelou ‘When someone
shows you who they are, believe them the first time’. He fooled you once, he won’t be able to do it again.

Take very good care, find a friend to talk to. You WILL get through this.

Oh goodness, my post crossed in the ether with yours, sorry. Try not to focus on the whole thing, the future. It’s the old adage of how to eat an elephant - one bite at a time. Sort out the little things first and each day you will be closer to a better life without someone who you can’t trust. Living in suspicion and uncertainty is no way to live.

I'm so sorry OP. Sending lots of love and strength

Oh no OP. I am so sorry this has happened to you. Sending strength and support. X