The Happy Singleton- Part Two

[mildlymiffed]

Ta-dah! Welcome to all our happily (sometimes, admittedly, less so!) single peeps! All welcome, whether your recently singled or a long-term singleton.

We've got this solo thing sorted (-ish!)

@misty9 do your thang!

Hi everyone.

@RishiSunakFanClub I agree with you. Some of the stuff that people put up with is heartbreaking. Far better to be single and happy than in a couple with someone who makes life harder. It's just not a good trade off in my mind.

Hi @Mulberry974 glad you are ok. I'm good in my own company too but struggling a bit now. But week three is the worst. Ta for the chocolate....I never knowingly turn it down (apart from Hershey or Cadbury......they should be banned!).

@Misty9 Hi. You sound down. You have the three week doldrums too? Sending a huge virtual hug and nothing wrong with having a good cry. Have you tried crying in a hot bath? That feels good when you want a hug. The warmth of the water on my back helps me.

how much I could achieve in that time vs what I likely will achieve read that back. How much pressure are you putting on yourself? Coupled with negative self talk about what you won't achieve even before you start. Your best is good enough. And your best, when work is up in the air and after a gruelling therapy session is lots less than when life is hunky dory. I wish you were as kind to yourself as you are to us here

@Eesha That sounds a really healthy way to be. I have achieved nothing today, except I have....I caught up on sleep and relaxed. And feel way better for it. House still bogglingly dirty but fuck it!

Want to hear a nice story of good men out there? Was chatting online to my sexy neighbour today. He has been struggling with his mental state a bit so I have been looking out for him and encouraging him to walk lots. On a walk today, he discovered an bloke living in a tent on a cricket field who had lost his job and home due to lock down. All he had was the clothes he was wearing.

So my neighbour came home, made a big bag of clothes and put in a hat and gloves and his new coat, and gave them to the homeless guy. Now my neighbour is skint but did it anyway. It made me cry when he told me. So then I ordered a pizza to be delivered for his tea to say thank you to him for being so kind, and also to thank him for building my cats outdoor kennel thing for me.

There are good men in this world. Sadly, he is shagging a gorgeous brunette, but hey, at least men like that exist.

@SirChing really lovely story, your neighbour sounds lovely! and you are too!!! I love stories like that!

Hi 👋
Please can I join your thread. I posted recently about going through a breakup and I have been struggling with it a lot and I need people to talk to. I do not truly want him back as I can’t trust him and I had to dump him in the end after he slow faded me and told me lies and gaslighted me. It was abusive very quickly. I am struggling with how he rejected me so cruelly. I became a bit of a crazy person in his eyes so it is humiliating for me as well. Luckily we do not have any mutual friends so I do not need to worry about the crazy tag following me around.

I do want to be positive though and I am not afraid of being single or by myself. I just would like some positivity in my life at the moment because it has been so negative with him for quite some time. Please does anyone have any suggestions for me

@LiddyJim I would say time heals everything personally. My ex was abusive too. Two years later I'm back to much more of my old self (though single!). It took me a while of being single, taking care of myself, talking loads (whether to people at playgroups etc, not necessarily my usual friends). I think then you start to realise you aren't defined by him/what you went through.

Thank you. I am just so embarrassed by my own behaviour too. I am ashamed and I feel like I am still allowing him to torture my thoughts. I am not even very angry with him anymore, he is a broken person I should not have tried to fix him. I do understand why he did the things he did as he’s cruel but I can’t understand why I did the things I did or how to stop thinking them.

I am keeping as busy as I can do and I have amazing friends and family. I am also having counselling. I do not want to feel this way anymore. I am taking long walks and doing relaxing things.

I have tried writing down my feelings but this is giving them more airtime. Also I am shocked by how quickly my feelings flip around like I am bipolar (I am not and never acted this way before). He used to say I was ‘manic’ when I was trying to make the effort to be positive and be the person he wanted. He did not like it when I was sad or when I was happy. But I like me

Hi @LiddyJim good to see you here! It sounds as if you have a chance for a fresh start although I know it can be tough. My marriage ended three years ago and after the emotional fallout and misery I concentrated on looking after myself and putting myself first. For me that meant discovering new interests and finding new passions as well as rediscovering old ones. I saw a great article which encourages you to write positively about yourself and what your good points are and what your proudest moments are. It sounds lame but it helped me to work out how I wanted to live.

Oh and another thing, it sounds as if your ex was trying to justify his own failings by making you feel bad about yourself.

He did do that and he admitted it to me. He said I was too good for him and he would probably sabotage it all because he knew he could never make me happy. He couldn’t handle me having any positivity or losing weight or his children liking me or hearing about his own mistakes.

He was too much of a coward to break up with me when I begged him to be honest about why he was being so cruel to me he told me I was imagining it it. So I had to do the break up and then he decided to tell me what a wonderful person I am.

With lockdown I am restricted to working, talking to friends and going for walks. I have some projects I could do but I am only just managing to get through the day and forcing myself to eat and get stressed.

Do you have any suggestions for something uplifting I could do for my spirits? I don’t know where to start

@LiddyJim mini workouts? Zoom chat with friends? Princessing/beautifying yourself?

@LiddyJim welcome and sorry to hear your ex was such a negative influence on you and your self worth. You're hurting and fresh out of a break up - so be kind to yourself and acknowledge that eating and getting dressed are bloody amazing achievements at the moment! It takes time, and that's hard to accept and hear in the moment I know, but it does get easier. Small things like sitting in the sun for a morning coffee/drink, doing a 15min yoga on YouTube, starting a journal or diary, can help. But most of all, let yourself feel whatever you are feeling. Cry if you want, curl up and hibernate for a bit if you want. And chat to the lovely posters on this thread you've got this

I would love to have my nails done I have this planned for when I can get to a salon. I am missing my swimming workouts a lot! I did dye my hair at the weekend and I am trying not to start looking like a swamp thing every day. I also want to plan a holiday at some point

I have moments where I just want to contact him so badly but I have not done so. Every couple of hours I have a new mood phase this could be happy sad anxious angry depressed they are very draining. I would like to break this cycle

I remember worrying I was bipolar too! But it's all part of the process so just try to observe your thoughts and feelings, and you'll notice that they come and go, ebb and flow, but they aren't permanent.

Thank you that is what I need to keep thinking, that this is not the new me it is temporary. I am scared that it is the real me and not a phase and perhaps I am mentally or physically unwell. I have a lot of health anxiety

I am also afraid he might try to hoover me back in somehow and I won’t be strong enough. I have a bad feeling he might try and this is keeping me anxious but also the idea that he might not try makes me sad. See I am insane

@LiddyJim from my experience, you need to hit rock bottom before you can get out of things. If you are still feeling tempted, then you aren't there yet! You need to decide for yourself. Don't be like my best friend, 2 years later, still on and off whilst her hubby cheats with an escort. What a waste of those years.

I know that I do not want him and I know that I want to fight the feelings. I cannot go back, even if I did he doesn’t want me back anyway. I can only go forward
I have just logged onto my laptop to look at the Freedom Programme I have seen a lot on Mumsnet has anyone done this?

@LiddyJim welcome So sorry you have been treated like shit by a cowardly arsehole.

I would put money on the fact that what he described as 'manic' when you were trying to be who he wanted, was simply you pretending and forcing yourself to be positive and upbeat. If you a) haven't started buying loads of cars thinking you are a millionaire b) started having loads of sex with dodgy people and c) aren't having delusions, then you are a long long way from hypermania I can assure you (had to sort out loads of car loans in my time due to this!).

The ex sounds like a weak willed, gaslighting, positivity sucking, fun sponge. And yet you STILL had the strength to kick him into touch, even after all that mental cruelty. That's the sign of a strong person. You might not feel like it at the moment because you are too busy surviving, but you will look back and be in awe of yourself. Honestly.

And don't worry about your behaviour. He was gaslighting you into oblivion and deliberately messing with your mind. If he had done that to one of your mates then you would think she was doing herself a disservice by acting in ways she then found humiliating. Because it would be totally understandable given what she had faced. So give yourself that understanding. It's done, it's understandable and the only place it exists is in memories so no harm done.

Can you block the abusive plonker? It may feel final but it gives you control and minimises the temptation to have him back. If you wouldn't want a friend to take him back, then don't let yourself do that either. You are precious and worth someone who thinks you are amazing exactly as you are. As soon as you become what these men want, they change the goalposts so you will never win. And frankly, who could be arsed with that? Unless he has a 2 foot dick and can breathe through his ears, no bloke is worth the hassle.

The Freedom Project is great. I did it and learnt a lot. Go for it. And keep chatting here when you feel blue. and for you.

@Eesha He is lovely (when he isn't phoning me pissed and trying to shag me ). He made me cry with how lovely he was to that man. I just wanted to pass on that there are some good blokes out there. And lovely is the minimum that we should aim for if we do decide to stop being single.

Ooh that should say "doing herself a disservice by worrying about her behaviour" not that the behaviour itself is a disservice. It's totally understandable.

It was just me being excited to finally speak to him and share my day, and he always sounded down and sad, so I would over compensate and talk a lot. Then he would ignore me a lot, but if I asked him why he would have lots of excuses and say I was looking for problems and be angry. The next day he would wake up in the very best mood and shower me with love and affection all day. Even spontaneously coming to see me but then only wanting to have sex and go to sleep. Then it began that I could never find the happy person he once was, and every day the gaps of contact got longer, the phone calls were shorter and he began to make a lot of jokes at my expense to be mean, then laugh I had no sense of humour. So I would melt down into a crying shaking pile of a mess and demand he tell me the truth about his feelings for me and what was going on, he would eventually calm me down saying he loved me and then it would happen all over again.

The reason I broke up with him is because I had already tried it once and he talked me round, there was 1 amazing day then suddenly he went the longest period ever of ignoring me with what first sounded like a genuine excuse, then popping up very sporadically to keep in touch but the messages were all different in tone. He wouldn’t speak on the phone and I didn’t sleep for 3 days with stress and worry. I prepared a text over those 3 days to finish with him but I think at the time I wanted to just take back some control, not leave him. He immediately accepted my decision which devastated my own ego. He then tried to send me some kind parting words which made me angry.

Posting here has helped me more than you know. Yes I deleted all traces of him from my whole life there is nothing left. I read through the freedom programme this morning and identified with a lot. I am going to get some sleep today and try do a project this weekend. Thanks for helping me feel I am not going mad

@SirChing hmmmm he is drunkenly phoning you up to ask for a shag? Sounds promising!!!

MrHotandYoung hasn't texted me since Monday night. It was all looking so promising but I don't want to chase!! I was last to text. Ladies, advice please.

@LiddyJim He sounds like he is quite narcissistic. They make you feel amazing then pull away and put you down to devalue you, then come back when they want a top up of feeling good. You have dodged a bullet there. It's one of the most insidious forms of abuse because it makes you totally doubt yourself and live for their contact and approval. It's designed to wear you down to accept anything. So you have definitely done the right thing. You aren't going mad, he was behaving in a way that would make you never know which way was up. There's a huge difference. And whether they know they are being abusive or not is irrelevant. The effects on you are the same. He definitely won't change. They keep up with a good front for ages and make you feel so so adored. Then pull the rug. It's crap and cruel. It was all him, not you.

@Eesha Ha, I don't think so. He has a gorgeous lass he is planning to start seeing after lockdown. He just gets pissed and horny, bless him. There is something very sexy about him though.

I see it now that he was enjoying it for some reason. He kept telling me not to look for problems but this meant don’t ask him anything. I began stalking him online constantly which is what I am so embarrassed about it scared me. I began to think he was cheating but there was nothing I could find or confront him with. I can’t help think that only reason he got rid of me in the end was to make room for someone new as he was disappearing all the time and turning his phone off. And then when she sees through him I don’t want him to end up back at my door

How long did everyone stay single for? I can’t imagine being with or talking to anyone at all but I also don’t want to waste more years of my life being scared of men

I've been single about a year now. A few flings but nothing serious. It's bliss. It was weird at first and a bit scary, but aside from sex and cuddles, there is nothing I miss now. And a newly acquired FWB is taking care of that side of things.

And yes, he was doing it deliberately for an ego boost. Because when he came back you will have supplied him with that, and once he had it he fucked off again. Whether there was someone else or not mattered at the time, but now it's irrelevant. The guy is either a cheat or an abuser or both. It will take a while before you can look back and see all the things he did and why. But you will get there. And the freedom project will help you spot bastards in the future so you don't need to be scared. Just let yourself grieve and recover and focus on you. Watching crap comedy like Friends helps to distract. One day it really won't hurt anymore. Its just time. But it will be quicker than you think. It always is

I need to find out if I can go get an STD check though don’t I. I don’t want to know who it was or what happened. And I am not sure if these services are evening running right now. I love sex and affection it was something that drew us together so I am not sure I would do well with a friend with benefits or not, I do tend to get really attached to people and want a lot more from them. I would be worrying all the time about why they aren’t messaging me back. I need some hobbies

I have watched so many episodes of Friends lately. It must be the antidote to a breakup for everyone

He didn’t want to have sex with a condom I had to really argue about that a lot of times. He would just try to ignore me asking about it and carry on.

The last time we had sex was about 4 weeks ago. He wanted to have sex the moment I arrived and it was a quick one, no foreplay. He made me dinner. Then he was just staring at the TV not talking. The second time we had sex again no foreplay I asked him halfway through to change position so that I could have an orgasm. He completely ignored me, got faster in a bit of an aggressive way, finished then said sorry and rolled off and put the TV on. Then the 3rd time he did do the position I asked him to but I could tell he could not be bothered and was making no effort. I got up to go to the toilet and came back he was playing poker online. No cuddles so I got dressed and left

I had only just thought of this now I had put it all out of my mind