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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this an over reaction?

144 replies

Cottoneyed12 · 01/03/2020 09:55

Brief background - been together 10+ years two kids. Been through a difficult period in the last 2 years with partners drinking/drug/disappearing. Happened 10+ times in the last two years and results in him begging and promising to change.

Last night we go away for an overnight with a group of 8 all couples. (all family including my parents).

Arranged a baby sitter and went to a few pubs throughout the day. When we come back to hotel to get changed for dinner he mentions that one of the couples has cocaine. I say well we won’t be participating let’s just enjoy dinner and have a few drinks. He agrees.

At dinner some people are getting drunker and louder. There is a minor disagreement and one of the males from a couple storms out. My partner follows him. The one that stormed out has the drugs.

For the next hour we are sat at dinner wondering where they are. Eventually leave and go to a bar. Partner texts saying they’re on their way. 30 mins pass so I walk to hotel to see if he’s in his room.

Walk into hotel and see my partner and other male at the bar chatting and giggling to two women.

I’m fuming and ask him what the hell hes doing I’m waiting at the bar. He jumps away from the woman and insists they were talking about work.

I tell him to leave me alone and go to the room and tell him to share a room with the other man and I’ll share with his partner.

About 15 minutes I hear them leaving. This is midnight. They don’t return til 7am begging to get back into the room. I ask where he’s been he said he went to another hotel and stayed there as I told him to leave me alone.

We’ve been here so many times and I feel so disrespected. Unable to sleep wondering where they are. My dad is playing it down and saying it’s not the crime of the century. At 3am I got a notification from my bank to say he’d wipes £8,000 of our savings out our joint account and sent them to his own account.

OP posts:
Cottoneyed12 · 01/03/2020 09:57

He’s now begging for forgiveness although saying I’m over reacting.

OP posts:
TitianaTitsling · 01/03/2020 09:59

Is the money back?!

rowrowrowyaboat · 01/03/2020 10:00

LTB. Theres no way id live like this, he has zero respect for you, takes drugs and probably cheats. Your worth so much more ❤️

rowrowrowyaboat · 01/03/2020 10:01

Hes also abusive. Gaslighting you and blaming you. Just end it, now.

Cottoneyed12 · 01/03/2020 10:01

No the money’s not back but he is saying he’ll send it.

OP posts:
DropYourSword · 01/03/2020 10:01

You are absolutely not over reacting!

JKScot4 · 01/03/2020 10:02

Why in the hell has this waster got access to savings? You need to protect yourself and your DC, he’ll quickly hammer through £8k

Cottoneyed12 · 01/03/2020 10:03

The £8000 is to pay the remainder of our wedding which is in 9 weeks Sad

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 01/03/2020 10:04

You are worth so so much more than this. He’s taking the absolute piss and thinks he can continue to treat you horrendously if he just says sorry. You may have under reacted previously but enough is enough. Don’t give in, get the money back and kick him out. Life will be better without this constant drain on your time, energy and resources Flowers

Aryaneedle · 01/03/2020 10:04

No, nope, nada, never. You are categorically NOT over reacting but I can see why you are questioning it if even your dad is minimising it.

category12 · 01/03/2020 10:04

Has he put the money back?

If not, I'd insist he does.

Then, you have to decide whether you can go on like this. His promises and begging aren't worth shit.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/03/2020 10:04

X post. You really cannot marry him.

category12 · 01/03/2020 10:04

And you need to cancel the wedding.

champagneandfromage50 · 01/03/2020 10:05

Get the money back and plan your exit. I am shocked that your own father sees no issue with his behaviour

puds11 · 01/03/2020 10:05

Divorce is your best option here. I have no time for wasters like this.

OrlandoInTheWilderness · 01/03/2020 10:06

Pretend to forgive him, have him put the money back for the wedding. Then go to the bank, take it out and run like the wind. Seriously, do you want to spend the rest of your life with a tosser like this???

PeppermintPasty · 01/03/2020 10:08

Don’t marry him. Surely, surely, you see that you and your children should not have to live like this? You could be happy, and get a good nights sleep! I have been where you are. Please fgs don’t marry him. And get your finances sorted and away from this man.

Bluntness100 · 01/03/2020 10:08

So he went and shagged the woman, decided the wedding was off and took the funds.

What are you going to do? Personally I’d end it. What exactly are you asking? Is it ok for him to abandon you, go chatting up someone else, go to a hotel with her, shag her, and take your wedding money?

Then the answer is no.

TorkTorkBam · 01/03/2020 10:09

Why would you marry such an utter dick?

Monty27 · 01/03/2020 10:09

Get the addict out of your life. He won't change and he's not worth your effort. Be done with.

Bluntness100 · 01/03/2020 10:09

And what do you mean he’s done this before?

rowrowrowyaboat · 01/03/2020 10:11

Oh god defo do not marry this man! You just cant, you could never trust him. I agree with playing nice for the money back and then running like the wind. Altho, id be tempted to forget the money too, theres no price on freedom...

category12 · 01/03/2020 10:17

And how is it even possible to overreact to him nicking 8 grand?

letsdolunch321 · 01/03/2020 10:19

Possibility of cocaine taking, following the other guy, going missing which may of included him with another woman & taking money from your joint account is all normal in your world.

Ignore his pleas, getting the £8000. Back, cancel wedding and kicking him out would be on the top of my todo list today.

Babooshkar · 01/03/2020 10:22

Fgs do not marry this total using scumbag.