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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this an over reaction?

144 replies

Cottoneyed12 · 01/03/2020 09:55

Brief background - been together 10+ years two kids. Been through a difficult period in the last 2 years with partners drinking/drug/disappearing. Happened 10+ times in the last two years and results in him begging and promising to change.

Last night we go away for an overnight with a group of 8 all couples. (all family including my parents).

Arranged a baby sitter and went to a few pubs throughout the day. When we come back to hotel to get changed for dinner he mentions that one of the couples has cocaine. I say well we won’t be participating let’s just enjoy dinner and have a few drinks. He agrees.

At dinner some people are getting drunker and louder. There is a minor disagreement and one of the males from a couple storms out. My partner follows him. The one that stormed out has the drugs.

For the next hour we are sat at dinner wondering where they are. Eventually leave and go to a bar. Partner texts saying they’re on their way. 30 mins pass so I walk to hotel to see if he’s in his room.

Walk into hotel and see my partner and other male at the bar chatting and giggling to two women.

I’m fuming and ask him what the hell hes doing I’m waiting at the bar. He jumps away from the woman and insists they were talking about work.

I tell him to leave me alone and go to the room and tell him to share a room with the other man and I’ll share with his partner.

About 15 minutes I hear them leaving. This is midnight. They don’t return til 7am begging to get back into the room. I ask where he’s been he said he went to another hotel and stayed there as I told him to leave me alone.

We’ve been here so many times and I feel so disrespected. Unable to sleep wondering where they are. My dad is playing it down and saying it’s not the crime of the century. At 3am I got a notification from my bank to say he’d wipes £8,000 of our savings out our joint account and sent them to his own account.

OP posts:
LukeSkywalkingOnTheseHaters · 02/03/2020 16:03

Don't marry him

deydododatdodontdeydo · 02/03/2020 16:05

If you marry this man (or even stay with him), you'll be re-posting this again in a year, five years or whatever.

Sort the money out - if he paid your share of the deposit split the costs.
Ignore his suicide threats, they really are low and indicative of a controlling abuser. You aren't responsible for him. Chances are he won't folow through with it.

myidentitymycrisis · 02/03/2020 16:10

PLEASE do not marry this man!!

GeorgiaGirl52 · 02/03/2020 16:35

It is NEVER too late to back out! Say NO! Move all your money to an account he can't access, then see a lawyer. Cancel everything you can regarding the wedding and have any refunds sent to your new account.
File for child support. If he insists on staying in the house, he can buy out your share. But otherwise, sell and go your way.
Your children deserve better than to be raised with a bingeing addict who lies and disrespects you. Give them Better.

MsDogLady · 02/03/2020 17:35

I’ve lost countless nights of sleep chasing him & wondering where he is whilst he goes off on his benders.

As soon as he gets the opportunity he takes coke and won’t come home, lies about his where abouts, who he’s with, etc.

I’ve caught him taking it in our house then lying that he didn’t.

He’s promised he won’t take it anymore.

This is a lie and you know it. He is a drug abuser who creates chaos and causes misery. He is emotionally and financially abusing you. He is a horrendous partner and father, and he will not change.

Why on earth would you continue with this loser? Do you want a lifetime of anxiety and uncertainty? You are exposing your children to a toxic, destabilizing home.

Graphista · 02/03/2020 17:46

FlowerArrangers post is spot on. Follow those steps and get this loser out of your life.

Your dad being so similar explains a lot.

Why you ended up with a man like this and why he is minimising and expecting you to put up with it.

IGNORE HIM.

Get rid of this guy and then do some therapy so you don't end up with another like your father.

BobbyBlueCat · 02/03/2020 17:52

@Cottoneyed12 stop going on and on about the drinks witht the girls thing and the wedding and start concentrating on your fiance being a CLASS A DRUG USER, DRUNK AND A SHIT DAD/PARTNER!!

"How do I continue to live together with our two kids and call off a wedding?"
Easy.
You say "I'm not marrying you and it's over".
The wedding doesn't happen.
You split up.
You stop living together.
Your children aren't fucked up for life having a father, grandfather and wider family who all take drugs, minimise twattish behaviour, have a father who doesn't disappear for days on end and a mother who allows them to be brought up in an abusive household because it was 'too hard' to cancel the wedding.
Eventually one of you moves out.
In a decade it's all a distant memory and your children are happy and healthy.

category12 · 02/03/2020 18:34

One reason to leave is so you don't raise daughters with such a low bar for relationships that they put up with cheating druggie men who humiliate them.

Rosalo · 03/03/2020 08:41

His story about buying drinks in the bar makes no sense. If the other male had already ordered them but had no money, how was he going to pay for them? He had no idea your partner was about to walk in

Twisique · 03/03/2020 10:50

Maybe they were prostitutes?

NoMoreDickheads · 03/03/2020 13:07

He’s saying I’m throwing our life away, our kids lives...He’s clinging onto me squashing me declaring his love. Then threatening suicide. Refusing to let me leave the house until he can speak to me I.e. convince me more I’ve got this all wrong. He lost track of time he was too drunk. He’s sorry etc

What a manipulative cunt. He is effecting the kid's lives by his actions, not you. All of this gaslighting and manipulation about suicide or any of this are classic tactic these men use.

All wedding invites are sent, everything is ready to go. How can I back out?

It might feel embarrassing. None of the invites having gone out etc really matters, compared to the alternative of you ending up married to a dodgy wrong'un, though.

Splitting up is not uncommon, people will understand.

Honeyroar · 03/03/2020 14:12

I really hope that you find the strength to do the right thing for you and your children. Your children will grow up thinking this is normal if you stay, whereas if you leave they’ll learn it isn’t and you don’t accept treatment like that from your partner. Lean on your mother and everyone who, quite rightly, thinks marriage is crazy. Including most of us on here.

Bluntness100 · 03/03/2020 14:35

I asked him who paid for the women’s drinks. He said he walked into the bar and the other male was already ordering drinks and my partner went over to help with the drinks. The other male then said he had no money so my partner paid for the drinks

lol well he twisted and turned to try to get out of that didn’t he? So his mate offered to buy the women drinks, but he had no money? Lucky he came in then wasn’t it.

Electrical · 03/03/2020 14:56

Imagine how embarrassing it’ll be having a crowd of people watch you throw your life down the toilet to legally shackle yourself to an abusive cokehead. If you think making some phone calls and getting a mate or your mother to let potential guests know the sham is cancelled will be hard or embarrassing, imagine the guests faces as they watch you trot up the aisle to a piece of trash. And how much harder it’ll be to remove him from your life once you’ve burdened yourself with him legally. Ugh. Are you getting STD tested? What steps are you taking to reduce the lifelong damage to your kids resulting from having an abuser and druggie for a ‘father’?

TorkTorkBam · 03/03/2020 16:12

He is open with his philandering, drug taking, and probable use of prostitutes.

Everyone at your wedding and in the run up will be gossiping about you. They probably already are.

Gutterton · 03/03/2020 16:21

Have experienced this in my family:

Wife gets abused, cheated on, beaten to a pulp - repeatedly.
Children watch this.
They get emotionally terrorised.
Debts run up.
Jobs lost.
House repossessed.

Not even going to tell you what happened next.

Please get out and take your DCs with you.

Rottnest · 03/03/2020 17:14

What Bobbybluecat said, in spades. Please think of your childrens future and safety

Isthisit22 · 03/03/2020 21:23

Call the police and tell them he is threatening suicide. All of this behaviour will be classed as domestic abuse.
I'd also threaten him with solicitors if he doesn't return your parents' £8000.

OldEvilOwl · 04/03/2020 13:17

Why the hell would you even consider marrying this loser? He has zero respect for you. Get your money back then LTB

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