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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this an over reaction?

144 replies

Cottoneyed12 · 01/03/2020 09:55

Brief background - been together 10+ years two kids. Been through a difficult period in the last 2 years with partners drinking/drug/disappearing. Happened 10+ times in the last two years and results in him begging and promising to change.

Last night we go away for an overnight with a group of 8 all couples. (all family including my parents).

Arranged a baby sitter and went to a few pubs throughout the day. When we come back to hotel to get changed for dinner he mentions that one of the couples has cocaine. I say well we won’t be participating let’s just enjoy dinner and have a few drinks. He agrees.

At dinner some people are getting drunker and louder. There is a minor disagreement and one of the males from a couple storms out. My partner follows him. The one that stormed out has the drugs.

For the next hour we are sat at dinner wondering where they are. Eventually leave and go to a bar. Partner texts saying they’re on their way. 30 mins pass so I walk to hotel to see if he’s in his room.

Walk into hotel and see my partner and other male at the bar chatting and giggling to two women.

I’m fuming and ask him what the hell hes doing I’m waiting at the bar. He jumps away from the woman and insists they were talking about work.

I tell him to leave me alone and go to the room and tell him to share a room with the other man and I’ll share with his partner.

About 15 minutes I hear them leaving. This is midnight. They don’t return til 7am begging to get back into the room. I ask where he’s been he said he went to another hotel and stayed there as I told him to leave me alone.

We’ve been here so many times and I feel so disrespected. Unable to sleep wondering where they are. My dad is playing it down and saying it’s not the crime of the century. At 3am I got a notification from my bank to say he’d wipes £8,000 of our savings out our joint account and sent them to his own account.

OP posts:
Morgan12 · 01/03/2020 11:53

Infact, do you both take cocaine recreationally at other times? And you didn't want to this weekend because your family were there?

Qwerty543 · 01/03/2020 12:03

I definitely wouldn't marry this prick.

LettuceP · 01/03/2020 12:05

The fact that you're marrying this scumbag is mind boggling. I've known a few men who treat their wives like this and they are all the same. I would bet he took coke (that's why he followed his friend, he saw an opportunity), I'd also bet he cheated on you or definitely had intentions to cheat plus he stole £8k from you. You'd be mad to forgive this! Yadnbu. Please don't marry this absolute twat, he will never respect you or treat you well, he won't change.

BemidjiMinnesota · 01/03/2020 12:05

Get the money back, take your share, cancel the wedding and dump him. You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of pain if you go ahead with the wedding. He's showing you the kind of person he is.

Folicky · 01/03/2020 12:18

I'm not clear whether he took the £8000 to settle the balance of the wedding - or - he just took it. If the latter, that's obvs very different

Cottoneyed12 · 01/03/2020 12:20

He took the money he said to stop me taking it. The money is to pay the balance of the wedding whether it goes ahead or not.

I don’t take cocaine and he knows this. But he’s promised he isn’t interested either and won’t take it anymore.

He stayed up until 7am then came crawling back once the coke ran out.

OP posts:
keepingbees · 01/03/2020 12:28

Get your money back, or at least your half and run.
Aside from everything else, how will it work when he does drugs and you don't. You'll always clash over this surely.

TorkTorkBam · 01/03/2020 12:34

Wow so now he is accusing you of being untrustworthy. What did he think you were going to splurge the 8k on?

Do you actually believe any of his crap?

He wanted to get wasted, you didn't, he picked up a girl at the bar and they spent the night together doing drugs and having sex then he rolled back in expecting, correctly, that he can do anything and you will talk to him like he is a normal person and carry on with the wedding planning.

TorkTorkBam · 01/03/2020 12:35

Why are your standards so low? Are you happy?

BraveGoldie · 01/03/2020 12:35

OP, you need to look at actions not words. He has shown you very transparently the life you will have married to him:

-drug taking

  • disappearances
  • flirting with other women while you are waiting for him (and I have no doubt more if he has the chance/ while on drugs)
  • taking your money without permission so he has full control of it
  • lying and breaking promises.
  • not changing when you ask him to

The simple question is do you want to spend the rest of your life with this (and it always gets worse) or get out now and build the life you deserve?

Sorry- I understand how stressful and devastating cancelling the wedding would be.... but I can't see it making sense to sign up for this.

You said you have kids together and have been together 10 years. If the first 8 years were nothing like this and you see a specific reason why he has gone of the rails, then you could consider some radical conditions linked to him turning himself around (Eg rehab and an equal time him being back on the rails that he has been off them before marrying him), but my instinct is you will just be putting more good time and love that you already have..... you need a concrete real reason (not his assurances) why this would get better.......

Good luck and so sorry you are dealing with this,

Goldie x

Didntwanttochangemyname · 01/03/2020 12:36

Don't. Marry. Him.

DingleberryRose · 01/03/2020 12:38

DO NOT marry this person!!! He will NEVER change because he doesn’t want to!

The only option at this point is to leave!

DingleberryRose · 01/03/2020 12:39

To add to my previous post I agree with what other people have said. Play nice until the money is back then secure it and dump/leave his sorry ass!

TheGirlWithAPrince · 01/03/2020 12:47

To be fair I would have ltb as soon my partner left me for the night to go comfort a friend - _-.... He was obviously thinking drugs because his friend is a grown ass man.

HappyHoppyHippo · 01/03/2020 19:57

Don't do it OP.
Deep down you know it'd be a massive mistake. Flowers

Cottoneyed12 · 01/03/2020 19:59

I’m staying in a hotel tonight. He has returned half the money but refusing the rest even though it was a gift from my parents for the wedding. He saying we have debts so he’s using it to clear them.

He’s saying I’m over reacting. He allowed to speak to the opposite sex and there was nothing wrong with what he done.

He’s saying I’m throwing our life away, our kids life’s.

He’s supposed to be working away this week but he’s cancelled so I don’t know what to do. He won’t leave the house.

I’m so beyond sick of it. I’ve lost countless nights of sleep chasing him & wondering where he is whilst he goes off on his benders.

OP posts:
Cottoneyed12 · 01/03/2020 20:01

He has £10,000 of our savings in his own account though so he’s being unfair.

Also he earns a very, very good wage which I have facilitated. Allowing him to work away 50% of the year and even move abroad for a year.

I’m currently not working which is a worry but I will get a job.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 01/03/2020 20:04

are the kids with you

tomorrow go back to the house and get legal advice

Bluntness100 · 01/03/2020 20:09

Op, does he actually have the money? Are you sure?

robert1982 · 01/03/2020 20:25

There's got to be more to than this story surely!?
If it's as simple as you're saying then yeah get rid asap

Cottoneyed12 · 01/03/2020 20:31

I’ve seen the money in his account today, I just can’t do anything with it as I am not authorised.

Not sure what more there could be? There’s obviously a lot of history. We met as teenagers and as we’ve grown up and had kids his issues have became more apparent.

He can go months without going on a bender. He’s a workaholic. But as soon as he gets the opportunity he takes coke and won’t come home, lies about his where abouts, who he’s with etc.

Last night was bad enough disappearing but walking into the bar to find him with two women then disappearing again til 7am is just too much.

Last year we went away as couples, he put me to bed, pretended to go to bed and as soon as I was asleep he sneaked our to take coke.

I’ve caught him taking it in our house then lying that he didn’t.

I feel like his mum controlling him and continually being disrespected. All wedding invites are sent, everything is ready to go. How can I back out? Unless I could run away and never return I just don’t think I can do this anymore.

OP posts:
TokyoSushi · 01/03/2020 20:35

OP, this is no way to live, please do not marry this man.

MirkwoodMiss · 01/03/2020 20:36

It's NEVER too late to back out. You answer to NO ONE. Find the strength and get the hell out- or spend the rest of your life regretting it. Please leave.

Honeyroar · 01/03/2020 20:42

Oh Jesus your life with him sounds a nightmare! You were so young when you got together that you’ve given him far more chances than he deserves already. Personally I’d rather lose £10k than marry this bloke. And I’m skint and a penny pincher! You will ruin your future (and your kids) tied to this bloke. He sounds like he has no respect for you whatsoever. He loves the drugs more. Gather up your pride, take steps towards leaving him and legal action over the money. I had a wedding cancelled ten weeks before (groom to be was cheating) and got a lot of deposits back. I made him sick up the rest of what we lost.

TorkTorkBam · 01/03/2020 20:42

Yes it would be embarrasing to cancel the wedding now. Worse to get divorced soon after having a big wedding. So I guess if you go ahead you will decide to stay married for, what, 2 years? Then the divorce will take a year or two to finalise. Obviously if you go ahead with the wedding you will find it hard to moan about him to anyone close to you, given you lied and pretended everything was OK.

Double up on your contraception. You don't want to get pregnant by a guy you know you shouldn't have married.

So, well, in about 3-4 years time you can start dating to find a new man and maybe have children a few years later.

Do you really want to lose 3-4 years of your life on a relationship that should end now because it is embarrassing to tell people it is off?

Start a thread asking who cancelled a wedding (or didn't) and how they feel about it years later. You'll get some amazing advice I'm sure.