Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this an over reaction?

144 replies

Cottoneyed12 · 01/03/2020 09:55

Brief background - been together 10+ years two kids. Been through a difficult period in the last 2 years with partners drinking/drug/disappearing. Happened 10+ times in the last two years and results in him begging and promising to change.

Last night we go away for an overnight with a group of 8 all couples. (all family including my parents).

Arranged a baby sitter and went to a few pubs throughout the day. When we come back to hotel to get changed for dinner he mentions that one of the couples has cocaine. I say well we won’t be participating let’s just enjoy dinner and have a few drinks. He agrees.

At dinner some people are getting drunker and louder. There is a minor disagreement and one of the males from a couple storms out. My partner follows him. The one that stormed out has the drugs.

For the next hour we are sat at dinner wondering where they are. Eventually leave and go to a bar. Partner texts saying they’re on their way. 30 mins pass so I walk to hotel to see if he’s in his room.

Walk into hotel and see my partner and other male at the bar chatting and giggling to two women.

I’m fuming and ask him what the hell hes doing I’m waiting at the bar. He jumps away from the woman and insists they were talking about work.

I tell him to leave me alone and go to the room and tell him to share a room with the other man and I’ll share with his partner.

About 15 minutes I hear them leaving. This is midnight. They don’t return til 7am begging to get back into the room. I ask where he’s been he said he went to another hotel and stayed there as I told him to leave me alone.

We’ve been here so many times and I feel so disrespected. Unable to sleep wondering where they are. My dad is playing it down and saying it’s not the crime of the century. At 3am I got a notification from my bank to say he’d wipes £8,000 of our savings out our joint account and sent them to his own account.

OP posts:
Monty27 · 01/03/2020 10:22

That's also theft isn't it? The 8k. Wtf

MadamShazam · 01/03/2020 10:23

Good god!! Please do not marry this utter cunt of a man! I don't know whats worse, the drink/drugs/disappearing, or the fact he took 8k from your account!! You are not overreacting, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Shock

IceColdCat · 01/03/2020 10:25

You are NOT overreacting. You could try to move past this if it was a complete one off, but it's part of a regular pattern. If you take him back AGAIN he will know that he can get away with it in future and you'll always take him back.

Don't marry him Sad

HowCanYouSayThat · 01/03/2020 10:26

First, as per pp, play nice, ‘forgive him’ and get the money back.
Then cancel the wedding and dump him. (I know it’s a big deal, cancelling a wedding, but you CAN do it).
He will not change, you cannot change him.
If you stay with him, this will be the life you’re signing up for.
Don’t waste your life on such a knob.

WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName · 01/03/2020 10:27

No no no, do not marry this ‘man’. A life of misery will ensue.

BTW - you aren’t overreacting.

Lipz · 01/03/2020 10:29

What it's " wipes 8k"

How did he take 8k ? Is there not a daily limit on taking funds ?

You've forgiven him 10+ times for similar behaviour. He won't change unless you stop accepting this behaviour.

You'd be crazy to marry him, this would be your future.

Rosalo · 01/03/2020 10:30

Ask for proof he stayed in another hotel, like a bill or something. Coz I think he stayed with one of the bar women.

Delbelleber · 01/03/2020 10:31

Don't marry him!! He has no respect for you. Leave him. Poor you Flowers

Quartz2208 · 01/03/2020 10:33

at the start I assumed this would just be about the drugs and even then I didnt think you were overreacting

add in the flirting with the women and the money I think you have serious issues

Monty27 · 01/03/2020 10:34

Maybe he's bought 8k worth of cocaine

WeThreeKingsofOrientAre · 01/03/2020 10:39

What @champagneandfromage50 said.

Windmillwhirl · 01/03/2020 10:46

The going after the friend was probably planned in advance. He has no respect for you at all. Marrying him won't make things better, you'll just spend a fortune divorcing him

HappyintheHills · 01/03/2020 10:46

First get your money back then LTB.

Dontunderestimateme · 01/03/2020 10:53

Whether it is an over reaction really depends on what you are planning to do next. You know he drinks, takes drugs and disappears. If you are planning to marry him despite that, knowing he is not going to change, then yes, you are over reacting. There is no point getting upset, when this happens, if you are just going to marry him anyway. This is who he is.

However if you are not prepared to accept this, then no you are not over reacting. The sensible thing to do would be to separate now, before you waste any more time and energy on someone who clearly does not deserve it.

Singlenotsingle · 01/03/2020 11:00

Get your money back, and cancel the wedding. You've dodged a bullet there

Knewyou · 01/03/2020 11:03

Why did he take the 8 grand?

Shoxfordian · 01/03/2020 11:06

Has he spent 8 grand on coke? Presumably you don't need it for your wedding because there won't be one now?!

thriftyhen · 01/03/2020 11:28

Do not marry him! I think you need to sort out a life for you and your DC without him. Flowers

Mum4Fergus · 01/03/2020 11:32

Get your share of the savings back, cancel the wedding using his share for anything that needs to be paid in full if out with cancellation period. Then move on.

Wallowinginfilth · 01/03/2020 11:37

Tell him you forgive him. Get the money back, then leave him.

I know this is a very hard thing to actually do not just write on a website. But he's been disappearing like this for 2 years. He has no respect for you, and he won't respect you if you keep forgiving him.

VettiyaIruken · 01/03/2020 11:39

You'd be a fool to marry him.

99victoria · 01/03/2020 11:41

I can't believe your dad has said this isn't a big deal! If you were my daughter I would be telling you to run like the wind and never look back. How can a parent want so little for their child?

rookiemere · 01/03/2020 11:43

Do whatever you need to to get the money back, then dump him ASAP.

Morgan12 · 01/03/2020 11:52

So what hotel did he go stay at? I'd want a receipt.

He was away getting out his face on coke all night. Perhaps with the other woman they met. Coke makes people so selfish and they don't think about any consequences until they sober up.

I'd be cancelling the wedding. He won't change.

TorkTorkBam · 01/03/2020 11:53

If your dad thinks like that, I can see why you have not dumped your boyfriend at any one of his many dumpable offences. Most men are not like this. Maybe your dad and your boyfriend are like it but it is really is not normal.

Swipe left for the next trending thread