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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this an over reaction?

144 replies

Cottoneyed12 · 01/03/2020 09:55

Brief background - been together 10+ years two kids. Been through a difficult period in the last 2 years with partners drinking/drug/disappearing. Happened 10+ times in the last two years and results in him begging and promising to change.

Last night we go away for an overnight with a group of 8 all couples. (all family including my parents).

Arranged a baby sitter and went to a few pubs throughout the day. When we come back to hotel to get changed for dinner he mentions that one of the couples has cocaine. I say well we won’t be participating let’s just enjoy dinner and have a few drinks. He agrees.

At dinner some people are getting drunker and louder. There is a minor disagreement and one of the males from a couple storms out. My partner follows him. The one that stormed out has the drugs.

For the next hour we are sat at dinner wondering where they are. Eventually leave and go to a bar. Partner texts saying they’re on their way. 30 mins pass so I walk to hotel to see if he’s in his room.

Walk into hotel and see my partner and other male at the bar chatting and giggling to two women.

I’m fuming and ask him what the hell hes doing I’m waiting at the bar. He jumps away from the woman and insists they were talking about work.

I tell him to leave me alone and go to the room and tell him to share a room with the other man and I’ll share with his partner.

About 15 minutes I hear them leaving. This is midnight. They don’t return til 7am begging to get back into the room. I ask where he’s been he said he went to another hotel and stayed there as I told him to leave me alone.

We’ve been here so many times and I feel so disrespected. Unable to sleep wondering where they are. My dad is playing it down and saying it’s not the crime of the century. At 3am I got a notification from my bank to say he’d wipes £8,000 of our savings out our joint account and sent them to his own account.

OP posts:
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 02/03/2020 01:09

So, your dad doesn't think it's that bad that your future dh goes in benders and you have no idea where he is, has probably shagged another woman while you were on a family trip (and its obviously not the first time) and he stole 8000 pounds off you that your family gave you as a gift. WTF! OP why have you been putting up with this? Because he earns good money and you are dependant on him? Has this always been the case or did you work before?

FlowerArranger · 02/03/2020 01:32

@Cottoneyed12

Have you worked out how much the divorce is going to cost you?

Never mind the years you'll never get back.

So many years already wasted on an utter scoundrel. How many more?

Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? (Mary Oliver)

Dontletitbeyou · 02/03/2020 05:24

He has returned half the money but refusing the rest even though it was a gift from my parents for the wedding. He saying we have debts so he’s using it to clear them.

This money was a gift from YOUR parents , he had absolutely no right to touch it , and certainly no right to say he’s using it to clear your debts . That’s fucking outrageous
He is a druggie , ok he doesn’t take it all the time , so he’s a part time druggie . 🙄🙄Fanfuckintastic !!!
He stays out all night , at a hotel doing fuck knows what ( well apart from the coke of course ), , stealing money out of your account . He rocks up only when his drugs are gone and fucking accuses YOU of throwing away the kids lives .

Look at this man , look at how he is treating you . Would you be happy if a man was treating your daughter like this . If anyone treated my daughter like this , my husband would be paying him a visit in the middle of the night , you get me ?
This person is a parasite , he earns loads more than you , yet still takes what’s yours . He’s no man , not even close
Please , don’t go ahead with this wedding . You have one life , don’t waste it with this lowlife

Cottoneyed12 · 02/03/2020 05:37

Thanks for replies.

He’s justifying the money as the wedding was say double the amount. We (technically he) paid the other amount through deposits for the wedding. The final balance was £8,000 which my parents gifted but the total amount is more than this so he doesn’t see it as the money gifted as he’s taking the full wedding cost and what he’s paid.

The mortgage is in both our names and he won’t leave so I’m not sure what I’m going to do.

OP posts:
Cottoneyed12 · 02/03/2020 05:43

And my dad justifying his behaviour, he’s just as bad. Doesn’t go on benders but 100% sexist and treats his wife not particularly well at all.

My mum is angry, has told him exactly what she thinks and says she’ll support me whatever I decide.

My dad “hopes we can work it out”. I lost it with my dad. I told him it’s not my fault.

OP posts:
Dontletitbeyou · 02/03/2020 06:11

Look at the way he has been behaving . Do you think once you are married things are going to settle down . The truth is its far more likely things will get much worse , his benders will become far more frequent . Don’t be misled by his claims that he’s taking this to cover that , and that amount comes to more than this .etc . The fact is he took the money from your account without asking , that’s stealing , in my eyes anyway .
I don’t get your Dads reaction , He hopes you can work it out ., so you can sort it out , marry this bloke and go on to have a long and miserable life ???? Just don’t get it 🤷🏽‍♀️

MollyButton · 02/03/2020 06:21

I'd tell your Dad about the money and that despite everything you are still going to be left with debts over this wedding - as your partner is likely to put £4K up his nose.
And see a lawyer about getting him out of the house/ the house sold.
And even if you have to co habit for a bit, rearrange the house and stop doing things for him - cooking, shopping etc

PaterPower · 02/03/2020 07:33

You can’t marry this man. It’ll be another 10 years of complete misery for you because he will know that ultimately you’ll back down from your ultimatums.

If anything, his behaviour is likely to get worse once you’re married. He will care even less about your feelings.

TorkTorkBam · 02/03/2020 07:37

Call Women's Aid. They will tell you how to get him to leave, how to force the sale of the house or buy him out.

Qsandmore · 02/03/2020 07:45

If he’s doing that when you are there he is 100% shagging around when he travels for work.

Write the money off and separate, see a solicitor with the half you have to see if you can get him out of the house.

FlowerArranger · 02/03/2020 07:50

I'm not going to dwell on the insanity of blowing 16k on a wedding when you have debts.

OP, you have to stop the hand-wringing and get your Rs in gear to sort out a decent future for yourself and your children.

Number one cancel the wedding. Do it now. Contact the venue, vicar, florist, cakemaker, candlestickmaker... everyone, and cancel. Mass email all invitees.... very sorry but the wedding is cancelled - I hope you understand...

Number 2: find and copy all personal and financial information, such as birth certificates, passports, marriage/divorce certificates if applicable. Ditto bank statements, investments, house deeds, mortgage, salary slips, P60s, pensions, etc.

Number 3: see a competent family lawyer about division of assets and getting him out of the house, or selling and splitting proceeds if this is not financially feasible.

Number 4. I cannot remember whether you work, but this is obviously key for a secure future. Look into career progression, further training, whatever it takes to become financially independent.

Last but not least, and this should run concurrently with all the above: look after yourself, beause no one else will right now. Read up about self-esteem, resilience, self-reliance. I think WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH is always a good starting point, even if you don't necessarily put yourself in this category.

user1480880826 · 02/03/2020 07:53

Well you are copying exactly what you have grown up witnessing - your dad treating your mum with absolutely no respect. And now you’re doing the same for you own children - bringing them up in a household where women are treated like shit. It’s easy to see how these things perpetuate. But you have the power to put a stop to this.

DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN.

sunshineANDsweetpeas · 02/03/2020 08:32

Can't see your parents being overly happy he's effectively stolen their gift. Plus he's also stolen half of the savings too. He sounds bloody awful even without being a compete twat on nights out

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 02/03/2020 10:51

Completely agree-don’t marry him. Your divorce will be more costly than losing the wedding.

TorkTorkBam · 02/03/2020 10:56

Why are you spending a load of money on a wedding when you have been together ten years, have two children, have debts and he is prone to drug fuelled benders?

Was the wedding a sticking plaster idea that came out of him begging forgiveness after a bender? To "prove" the relationship is good? Like when people decide to have a baby to save their relationship.

dreamingbohemian · 02/03/2020 11:01

Listen to your mum. Don't talk to your dad anymore for now.

You have to cancel the wedding. You know you do. It would be absolutely insane to marry this man.

It will be painful but no one will judge you, I promise. Anyone who does is just as much of an asshole.

LannieDuck · 02/03/2020 11:14

Do you want to deal with this behaviour for the next couple of months until you separate.... or for the rest of your life?

This is one of those times where you see who he is very clearly before you're married. You have time to make a different choice... but if you go ahead with the wedding, you won't be able to pretend later that you didn't know what he was like...

He won't change. This is the time when he should be on his best behaviour. What will he be like when you've been married 5-10 years and he's bored?

Cottoneyed12 · 02/03/2020 14:49

He keeps insisting he did nothing wrong. It all escalated because of my reaction to him being in the bar with the women.

I asked him who paid for the women’s drinks. He said he walked into the bar and the other male was already ordering drinks and my partner went over to help with the drinks. The other male then said he had no money so my partner paid for the drinks.

He realised the amount was quite large for 2 drinks and then realised the other guy must have bought the women drinks.

He’s clinging onto me squashing me declaring his love. Then threatening suicide. Refusing to let me leave the house until he can speak to me I.e. convince me more I’ve got this all wrong. He lost track of time he was too drunk. He’s sorry etc.

How do I continue to live together with our two kids and call off a wedding?

OP posts:
Lweji · 02/03/2020 14:53

Threatening suicide is the last resort of the abuser.

I hope the children haven't heard it.

TorkTorkBam · 02/03/2020 15:12

It would be crazy to go ahead with a wedding and a life because you are scared of his behaviour when you break up. Phone Women's Aid. They can help you.

If he threatens suicide call the police. If it is genuine you are not qualified to deal with that. If he is bullshitting you need the police to have a stern word.

SunnySideDownBriefly · 02/03/2020 15:21

So sorry this is happening to you.

It's all about baby steps right now. You need to get the money back before you decide anything. You will regret it if you don't and everything will become about the money. Get your parent's money in your account and half of the £10k savings too. Tell him that you won't discuss things any further until that happens. Trick him if you must and tell him everything will be fine once he has sent the money. Tell him you cannot trust him or move forward until he does this.

Then it's on to the next step without that money being a pressure or a source of power. Take your time but I would imagine 'postponing' the wedding is the next step. Handy coronavirus excuse?

MadamShazam · 02/03/2020 15:23

The fact that he has threatened suicide would be it for me. Only an abusive man would resort to such underhand threats. Get him to fuck, for the sake of you and your children. And get your Mum to help, she sounds fab Flowers

MadamShazam · 02/03/2020 15:24

And actually, the advice from @SunnySideDownBriefly is perfect. Get the money back, postpone the wedding, get him out.

Sneezer · 02/03/2020 15:26

Why would you WANT to live with a coke head?

He needs to leave. Relationship over, 2wedding cancelled. There can't be an inbetween... go find happiness.

FlowerArranger · 02/03/2020 15:53

It all escalated because of my reaction to him being in the bar with the women. I asked him who paid for the women’s drinks. ... He’s clinging onto me squashing me declaring his love. Then threatening suicide. ............. How do I continue to live together with our two kids and call off a wedding?

He is putting the blame on you. Threatening suicide. Classic blame shifting and making you feel guilty for something you haven't done.

Call off the wedding!! Everything else can be sorted afterwards. Did you see my list of action points? You can do this. One Step At A Time.

You will regret it forever after if you marry this man.