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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this an over reaction?

144 replies

Cottoneyed12 · 01/03/2020 09:55

Brief background - been together 10+ years two kids. Been through a difficult period in the last 2 years with partners drinking/drug/disappearing. Happened 10+ times in the last two years and results in him begging and promising to change.

Last night we go away for an overnight with a group of 8 all couples. (all family including my parents).

Arranged a baby sitter and went to a few pubs throughout the day. When we come back to hotel to get changed for dinner he mentions that one of the couples has cocaine. I say well we won’t be participating let’s just enjoy dinner and have a few drinks. He agrees.

At dinner some people are getting drunker and louder. There is a minor disagreement and one of the males from a couple storms out. My partner follows him. The one that stormed out has the drugs.

For the next hour we are sat at dinner wondering where they are. Eventually leave and go to a bar. Partner texts saying they’re on their way. 30 mins pass so I walk to hotel to see if he’s in his room.

Walk into hotel and see my partner and other male at the bar chatting and giggling to two women.

I’m fuming and ask him what the hell hes doing I’m waiting at the bar. He jumps away from the woman and insists they were talking about work.

I tell him to leave me alone and go to the room and tell him to share a room with the other man and I’ll share with his partner.

About 15 minutes I hear them leaving. This is midnight. They don’t return til 7am begging to get back into the room. I ask where he’s been he said he went to another hotel and stayed there as I told him to leave me alone.

We’ve been here so many times and I feel so disrespected. Unable to sleep wondering where they are. My dad is playing it down and saying it’s not the crime of the century. At 3am I got a notification from my bank to say he’d wipes £8,000 of our savings out our joint account and sent them to his own account.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 01/03/2020 20:45

My wedding invites had been sent out too. It was tough and a bit humiliating, but now (18 years later) I think it was a really lucky escape. I’m now 14 years into a very happy marriage with someone much better for me than my ex was. Tell your friends and family what’s going on. You really shouldn’t be marrying this wanker.

maria2bela · 01/03/2020 20:47

My cousin called off her wedding the same month it was due to happen! Don't marry someone you're not happy with for everyone else's sake. I know with kids this is especially hard.

mommybear1 · 01/03/2020 20:48

Of course you can back out and frankly now is the time do not marry him you already know he is not right for you and indeed is a risk to you and your children. You can do this, for your sake and your children's you need to leave him.

ShesCurly · 01/03/2020 20:57

My god this man is an absolute cunt!

If your parents said they know what's happened with the money and tell him he needs to transfer it back because they gave it as a gift, would he be embarrassed enough to feel obliged to do so?

Sorry OP I know the wedding is close but do you really want to be tied to this nob legally?!

BobbyBlueCat · 01/03/2020 20:58

This reply has been deleted

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RandomAmanda · 01/03/2020 21:01

Please don't marry this man just because cancelling the wedding would be awkward. Do you honestly still want to marry him? If you could call it off without financial penalty would you grab that offer with both hands?

Another possible situation to ponder; how likely is he to disappear on your wedding night to take coke? Imagine waking up alone the morning after your wedding, wondering where your new husband is. If you do marry him after this you are agreeing to accept this behaviour.

Rottnest · 01/03/2020 21:14

OP, if you cancel the weddding now, avoid marrying this inadequate man, and inform those nearest to you of the reason why, anyone with common sense, empathy, concern for your welfare, will admire your strength of character. I believe it is more embarrassing to marry a weakling like this inadequate man, than it is to show strength of character and self respect and set your boundaries. Best wishes to you for your future.

snugs69 · 01/03/2020 21:17

Wait till money back and then transfer to ur account and run xx

HollowTalk · 01/03/2020 21:21

Look up the Sunk Cost Fallacy.

That money is lost whether or not you get married. You'd have to be insane to marry him now. The last two years must have been hell.

magoria · 01/03/2020 21:23

Do not marry this coke head. It will never get better. Get your family/friends to call everyone and say the wedding is cancelled.

Call everyone, cancel and see if you can get any money back.

If you can't consider it a good expense to get rid of him.

Life is really way to short to spend like this. He is choosing drugs (and maybe other women) over your family not you.

Plus you may want to consider an STI test as you don't know where he has been and what he may have done.

CalleighDoodle · 01/03/2020 21:32

Christ. Whose name is everything For the wedding in?

AlwaysInTroubleAgain · 01/03/2020 21:47

I am very liberal when it comes to drug use. I work in a creative industry and have seen so much of it I don't find it shocking anymore.

However moving funds out of banks especially when high on drugs is an absolute no no. You saying you don't feel comfortable with him visiting Charles whilst with other couples; bringing class A, addictive drugs into the family home, none of this is good. I wouldn't go anywhere near him.

His drug use has obviously gone past Timothy Leary'esque experimentation and accelerated into self destruction.

Honeyroar · 01/03/2020 21:48

Ps, everyone was lovely to me when my wedding was cancelled (friends and family).

OhCaptain · 01/03/2020 21:53

Fucking hell.

DO NOT MARRY THAT MAN!!!!!

Please don’t.

Your dad is being extremely unsupportive.

Plus he’s stolen your parents’ money!

BlueHarry · 01/03/2020 21:56

The money, the women, the benders etc, completely unacceptable and disrespectful to you, and marriage is not going to make it any better. If you cancel the wedding I suspect a lot of people will be thinking good on you for doing so. I'm sure others know what he's like. Regardless of what they think you should do it for yourself anyway, it's your life nobody elses.

PickAChew · 01/03/2020 21:59

Do not marry him. You are under reacting.

AnyFucker · 01/03/2020 22:00

What the fuck have I just read

If you marry this man there is no hope for you

PickAChew · 01/03/2020 22:05

How can I back out?

You send everyone a message. Sorry guys, it's not happening.

ShesCurly · 01/03/2020 22:10

I would have so much admiration for someone cancelling their wedding in this situation.

How are you going to sit in front of friends and family and declare you love this man when he treats you so abysmally?

Please, please speak to at least one close friend about this and start planning.

People who love you want you to be happy more than they want to spend a day at a ceremony followed by speeches and dancing.

It won't disappoint anyone who truly loves you, so think about it like that.

robert1982 · 01/03/2020 22:34

i think the money is a bit of an issue but not as much as you standing on your own feet. Marrying him doesn't sound like it has a great future in it if he's going to be disrespectful like he has been. A divorce is an option though i think just finding a future away from him is best. up to you.

Graphista · 01/03/2020 23:25

Did you get engaged about 2 years ago? Is that when this started?

I’m thinking he was pretending to be a decent upstanding guy prior to engagement thinking (perhaps subconsciously) that once he had you committed to him - especially publicly - he could let the mask slip.

I’d be very surprised if he’s only recently taken up the drugs unless he’s very young.

Either way as per pps this man is not worth your love, time or attention.

Get rid!

You and the dc deserve so much better.

Wtf your father is thinking minimising this I don’t know! Unless is he similar?

What did your mother say? Have you discussed with her.

A broken engagement is a damn sight cheaper and easier to get out of than a marriage!

What’s the situation with your home? Rent? Mortgage? In both names?

I’m also very sorry to say you urgently need Sti screening because he sounds an addict to be honest, I think he’s taking coke more often and more than you know of and quite honestly men like this rarely bother to use condoms! Especially when in the throes of a high!

Cher on Graham Norton a while back said she had one piece of really good advice from her mum when she was younger.

When worrying about a situation think “will anyone really care about this in 5 years time?”

It’s damn good advice because most of the time the answer is no!

People are far more wrapped up in their own lives. Cancelling the wedding will in the long run be a minor inconvenience and embarrassment, a messy divorce is far more likely to stick in people’s minds!

I’ll be honest I did love my ex but I’m not sure I was in love with him. On my wedding day I wasn’t sure and I think my dad picked up on that and just before we were about to leave for the church he said to me if I wanted to I could cancel it right then and there, not a problem and he would deal with everything. I took a deep breath and decided to go ahead and while for most of the marriage things were good it did end in divorce and I wonder...

I actually feel confident that if you cancel the wedding you’re likely to have your own and possibly even some of his friends and family saying you’ve done the right thing and they’ve already noticed what a twat he’s being!

7yo7yo · 01/03/2020 23:48

I would be playing nice and getting the money back.
I’d then take steps to leave.
I would also get him to admit in messages that the money was half yours. Maybe this would show as proof in court?
Get legal advice ASAP.

CorianderLord · 02/03/2020 00:54

Cocaine on a family couples weekend? What madness is this?? Just get a bit too merry on wine

£8000 what the fuck??? No he'd be out!

My father would've ripped his bollocks off

Sneezer · 02/03/2020 01:02

I can't believe your father is facilitating his behaviour by excusing it. How can he want this for you?

You absolutely CAN back out of this wedding. Jesus christ, how can you NOT? Send a group text to all guests and say unfortunately the wedding is cancelled, you're splitting up and please respect your need for privacy at this time while you take care of yourself and the children.

What a bastard taking the money. Can you get onto his online banking app? Move everything where he cannot touch it and get. The. Fuck. Out.

Lweji · 02/03/2020 01:09

It's often said you get to know the real people when we split up from them.

He is very clearly telling you like he is now.

DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN.