Would this messaging bother you?

[scrawnysunflower]

Name changed because Dp knows my usual user name.
Me and Dp separated a while ago for a few months, it was my decision and he was very upset about it. In that time he was seeing a woman from our friendship group, it was very casual and he told me about it at the time. We have Dc so still saw each other.
Trying to keep things brief, but we ended up back together and they obviously ended their thing.

Throughout us being separated I still spoke to her and her me, no bad feelings between us or anything. But when we got back together she blocked us both on social media and hasn't spoke to either of us since, or so I thought.
Turns out that she's been speaking to Dp since the new year and been messaging him quite regularly. Now he's shown me the messages and nothing seems untoward but he didn't tell me because she asked him not to, and I don't think I'm ok with that.
He thinks I'm being silly, says they're only friends and he really didn't think I'd be bothered. He wants to carry on as he was, but I'd rather he stop messaging her or at the very least inform her that I'm aware that she's talking to him.

And apologies, I know it all sounds a bit juvenile, I'm generally easy going and happy with him having female friends. But this is niggling at me and I'm not sure if I'm being silly being bothered about it or not.

Imo while your relationship is still precarious he should delete /block her.
But more than that he should want to - the fact he doesn't shows he still wants his ego stroked.
Which should not mean more to him than sorting things with you.

Ltb for good this time.

I think he would cut contact whilst you are working through things. I think I'd be pretty upset that they continued their friendship. For me I'd want to see my dp taking the lead and blocking her

Yes, it would bother me.
He is with you now, and it's crossing a boundary.

He didn't show you because she asked him not to? I wouldn't be happy with that, he's put her feelings above yours.

Would they bother me?! No,. I'd fucking love it if dh was secretly messaging his very recent ex-gf behind my back, putting her wishes for secrecy ahead of my wishes for honesty in the relationship!! No. He either stops messaging altogether or he can fuck off. This relationship between them is damaging to your marriage. He should put you first. Don't let him have his cake and eat it at the expense of your marriage.

I don’t think you are unreasonable to not be delighted about it. But if you have seen the messages and they are fairly bland, I wouldn’t lose sleep over it. Ultimately your dp has decided to be with you and that’s the crucial thing here.

She's trying to be sneaky and get him back. How fun and ego boosting for him to have his Mrs and the other woman fussing over him.

I didn't initially mind them staying friends or more us all staying friends. I'd have been ok with that. But she decided for whatever reason she didn't want that, completely respect that and did actually think it was for the best really.

I feel like a bit of a idiot that he could just omit the truth from me about it all.

I think you're being very reasonable, more so than I could be in this situation

She wants him back and shes trying to wriggle her way in. He lied to you, his partner, about her. It's going to end in years unless your DP is completely honest and she gets the message and fucks off

End in TEARS
Not years

That's what he's saying @vincettenoir. And there wasn't anything much in the messaging, quite a lot from her but just general chit chat.
But he's spoken to her when out too and not told me.

You are not being silly. I would not be happy about this at all!!! I would be questioning why she wanted to keep it quiet? why block and not speak to you but suddenly start talking to your DH again? Very fishy.
Also, he should have told you and told her he would only continue contact if you were aware of it.
This is not ok.

That's what I'm thinking @anotherdisaster.

I don't know if I should just insist he blocks her or if that's not really the issue.

She’s getting him to collide with her in keeping a secret from you. It’s a power play on her part and a dick move on his.

Either he’s incredibly, incredibly dim. Or he still wants to shag her. Either way, why are you with him?

*collude

If you’d been seeing someone during your separation and carried on messaging and talking to them, would he be completely chilled about it?

She may want him back. However I would also suggest that it may be her way of 'getting back at you' for taking him away from her. She is trying to cause trouble between you. I would also bet she hoped you would find out they've been messaging each other.

He claims he just wanted things to go back to normal and he thought them being friends would lead to me and her being friends. She's apparently seeing someone.

He did also say he hadn't lied to me though, because I've never asked him if he still spoke to her

If you're ok with them being friends and talking, make sure he lets her know you know, and tell him no more secrets.
He doesn't need to have secrets from you, not when you're both working on getting back to where you were.

I wish you all the luck and I hope he is dim as @RUOKHon said and not the alternative.

Just because she is seeing someone, doesn't mean she doesn't want him back or doesn't still hold some grudge.
He didn't lie but he also deliberately didn't tell you something that he knew you would be annoyed finding out about. Don't let him worm his way out of it that way.
This woman is toxic so she needs to be cut out of your lives. Tell him to block her or its over, simple.

especially not that should be.

And why do you even need to still be friends with this woman? Its too weird after everything that's happened surely?

He's full of shit and shouldn't be entertaining this. She is stirring. If she's seeing someone why would she be messaging her ex and telling him to hide it from you. She's reeling him in and he's stupid enough to fall for it.

Lying by omission is just as bad.

Sorry but that bullshit of 'i didn't really lie because you didn't ask me' absolutely boils my blood

It's worse than lying actually because it puts the blame on you! It's your fault for not asking him! Absolute rubbish, that alone would mean the end for me, I had an ex who did this and I absolutely despise it!