Would this messaging bother you?

[scrawnysunflower]

Name changed because Dp knows my usual user name.
Me and Dp separated a while ago for a few months, it was my decision and he was very upset about it. In that time he was seeing a woman from our friendship group, it was very casual and he told me about it at the time. We have Dc so still saw each other.
Trying to keep things brief, but we ended up back together and they obviously ended their thing.

Throughout us being separated I still spoke to her and her me, no bad feelings between us or anything. But when we got back together she blocked us both on social media and hasn't spoke to either of us since, or so I thought.
Turns out that she's been speaking to Dp since the new year and been messaging him quite regularly. Now he's shown me the messages and nothing seems untoward but he didn't tell me because she asked him not to, and I don't think I'm ok with that.
He thinks I'm being silly, says they're only friends and he really didn't think I'd be bothered. He wants to carry on as he was, but I'd rather he stop messaging her or at the very least inform her that I'm aware that she's talking to him.

And apologies, I know it all sounds a bit juvenile, I'm generally easy going and happy with him having female friends. But this is niggling at me and I'm not sure if I'm being silly being bothered about it or not.

They are both taking the piss.

he didn't tell me because she asked him not to, and I don't think I'm ok with that.

Fuck that. That so disrespectful to you. If you're not comfortable with it then why on earth would he continue and potentially jeopardise your relationship?

Would he happy about you secretly messaging a mutual friend you'd be sleeping with?! No bloody way would be.

As for him not technically lying as you never asked?! Cheeky git. Are you supposed to run through every possible scenario with every possible person every single day, just in case?! No, he's a deceiving twat.

Why did you break up with him in the first place?

He didn’t think you would mind (far fetched but ok), now he knows but still wants ti be friends and go back to normal? If he is serious about your relationship he shouldn’t do anything to compromise it.

Gross!
I've had that so many times, trying to sell something on market place had guys keep messaging.
The worse was when I was trying to find a local gardener.
These men all have family's and women.

He was trying his luck, and I bet it's not the first or the only one.

Has he recently asked you if you've shagged your boss? If not I guess you can do it as he didn't directly ask!
What a knob head

He shown you he has a secretive side, she’s shown you she’s willing to have a secret ‘friendship’ with him behind your back.

They are both untrustworthy fuckers.

Neither of them are your friend’

They were shagging until very recently.

I don't think he wants anything to happen with her. He ended things at the slightest hint from me that I might be willing to try again. But I think maybe he likes the fact she was quite into him.

I don't really know what to do.

If she has asked him not to tell you that is what would make me feel uneasy. He is either trying to placate (and does not know you are hurt by this). Or he is potentially having the best of both worlds.

Don't be the mug who stays with him and lets them be "friends." If he was serious about making it work with you, he would cut her off instead of messaging her in private. He's putting his and her needs and wants above yours. Not acceptable.

I won't me @RLEOM. If I give him a ultimatum he'll stop talking to her, I'm sure. I guess I just don't feel like I should have to do that. He shouldn't have done it to start with.

So your in no mans land.

You don’t want to say it
He is not going to stop with out you saying it.

scrawny it’s not on.

Do you know she’s actually with some? Who made first contact.

She asked him to keep it secret and he did. I wouldn’t be able to get past that I’m sorry. He’s enjoying having his cake and eating it. You at home and her like a little cheer leader.

Why did she show you the messages?

I go with the idea that in general if you are hiding something from your spouse, then you shouldnt be doing it.
If it were me, his ability to keep this quiet for so long would show me how much importance he places on the marriage and I would be hurt and very cross. I dont know that I would finish it over just this, however I would have serious thoughts about it all and I wouldnt be too sure about how much I could trust him, so very possibly it could end to me leaving tbh

I saw her name on his WhatsApp chat list @Kikkoman (he was showing me something else). He told me and showed me the messages when I asked. Said he saw her out and they spoke and he said something about us all being friends again and she said she wasn't ready for that yet and could he not mention that they'd spoke, to me.

I don't know if she's seeing anyone, I'm blocked on everything. He says she's got pictures on Instagram of her with someone.

That's where I'm at, at the moment @MapMySleighRide.

Not married though.

I just think it's really disrespectful on both their parts that they didn't keep their relationship
Purely friendship based especially considering you have kids, not very nice of either of them to be honest. You can't really go from friends to seeing eachother then back friends again when you share the same friendship groups so for me the messaging would be another kick in the teeth and again disrespecting you. Think you deserved better from both of them.

I just think it's really disrespectful on both their parts

He didn't show you because she asked him not to? I wouldn't be happy with that, he's put her feelings above yours.

She’s getting him to collide with her in keeping a secret from you. It’s a power play on her part and a dick move on his.

He shown you he has a secretive side, she’s shown you she’s willing to have a secret ‘friendship’ with him behind your back.

^all of these^

I think you have been incredibly laid back, OP. I think it's completely disrespectful in the first place that they began seeing one another when you are all in the same friendship circle and the two of you had been in a long term relationship. It was very civilised of you to have continued to be friendly with her. The behaviour from both of them now is about 72 bridges too far.

He's lying by omission

Totally, totally disrespectful towards you op. I would be absolutely livid.

Ah I see. How many messages are there? How frequent?

Have the reasons you separated from him before been resolved?

Odd ones starting from last month and then increasing. He doesn't always reply and she sends more @Kikkoman.

Yes, and we've been in a really good place @RantyAnty.

Why is he following her on Instagram? He is still wrapped up in her, whilst enjoying the security of your relationship.

This screams trouble to me

I'm guessing because he was before @SummerWhisper. I don't think he was wrapped up in her to start with. I think he maybe likes the ego boost that she was quiet into him though.