Would this messaging bother you?

[scrawnysunflower]

Name changed because Dp knows my usual user name.
Me and Dp separated a while ago for a few months, it was my decision and he was very upset about it. In that time he was seeing a woman from our friendship group, it was very casual and he told me about it at the time. We have Dc so still saw each other.
Trying to keep things brief, but we ended up back together and they obviously ended their thing.

Throughout us being separated I still spoke to her and her me, no bad feelings between us or anything. But when we got back together she blocked us both on social media and hasn't spoke to either of us since, or so I thought.
Turns out that she's been speaking to Dp since the new year and been messaging him quite regularly. Now he's shown me the messages and nothing seems untoward but he didn't tell me because she asked him not to, and I don't think I'm ok with that.
He thinks I'm being silly, says they're only friends and he really didn't think I'd be bothered. He wants to carry on as he was, but I'd rather he stop messaging her or at the very least inform her that I'm aware that she's talking to him.

And apologies, I know it all sounds a bit juvenile, I'm generally easy going and happy with him having female friends. But this is niggling at me and I'm not sure if I'm being silly being bothered about it or not.

He said he did defend me @simplekindoflife. I don't know, I'm in bed but he's messaging me how sorry he is and that nothings happened between them, he just feels guilty because they have history and he feels bad about how things went between them.

Thank you @copperoliver. I'm going to go to my mums for a few days tomorrow.

He feels bad for her? He’s trying to make you feel guilty he has hurt her for you?

Wow

. he just feels guilty because they have history and he feels bad about how things went between them.

What the actual fuck!

And you? Does he feel guilty about you?

I'm sorry OP, he's a bad 'un :(

He is totally screwing you over and shifting 'the truth' constantly. He has proven time and again that he can't be trusted. He has proven time and again that he gives his time and attention to a woman who hates you and bitches about you. He has no boundaries with her and he constantly lies to you and thinks you are a mug. He is such a twat and I am angry on your behalf.

It would not surprise me if he was still seeing her, but won't commit, hence why she hates you so much.

whatever he calls this... it's not fucking appropriate in any shape or form.. boundaries are more than crossed now.. nothing can go back to the way it was... the fact she is ripping You up speak volumes.. his loyalties lie with Her not You OP.

They do have history and I know Dp and the other friends feel protective of her due to this. It's complicated and personal so I'm not going to go into it, but I do understand to a degree. Dp says he feels like he used her somewhat and feels guilty about that, he thought she was ok with the same thing he was but she wanted more.

That said, he still lied to me and I'm not sure exactly what to believe. He's saying (well messaging) that me and the Dc are all that matter and she's blocked and he won't speak to her again. I just don't know. He swears nothings happened between them and he's not deleted anything before today, other than a few photos but not intimate ones.

I think a few days at my mums will be good, to help me think about what I want to do. I haven't told him I'm going though.

I think the problem is from your OP I guess that they were still seeing each other when you two got back together and now you're worried he will do the same to you behind your back.
It's all very weird imo.

I think he's been naive. And she is definitely a manipulator and this is power play. Massive blaring sirens and red light that she instructed him not to tell you about their conversation, and that she is dissing you.

Sounds exactly like a female sociopath I know all too well.

She must have zero access to him or you. Totally block on all social media. Not a sausage. And no messages or calls or anything.

I like his proposal if he tells her that he's told you everything and doesn't want any more contact with her. He must say those words - that he doesn't want it. Then block her.

Personally I wouldn't go off and leave him. I'd get him to finish the whole discussion with her and I'd forgive him and move on. I think he's understood that it wasn't as harmless as he'd thought. Because she's a psycho. Cut all ties. And see how it goes with him.

He doesn't have much respect for you I'd honoured her request over yours.
Egotistical man.
Darling, keep your head up and nicely tell him to fuck off and she is welcome to your second hand goods.

No @PixieDustt. When I first said I might be willing to try again, he stopped things with her. There wasn't a overlap, it was a good few months before we actually got back together. At the time he didn't mention me, he just told her he didn't want to meet up anymore, through that time she was still friends with us both. It was when we got back together she stopped.

That's what I'm struggling with, he's never given me any doubts in this area if our relationship. I've never not trusted him, he's not the type to want/need a ego boost and he's never given me any cause to be concerned.
Either he genuinely feels guilty over the way he treated her and he's being naive in how he's gone about that or something is still going on or he wants it to be, and I've been the naive one.

It's a tricky one.
I would be thinking personally how can he have so much guilt for going back to the person who he has DC with and been with x amount of years. You said their thing was causal, right? So what's the big deal why are they being so sneaky and messaging behind your back and he didn't tell you because SHE didn't want you to know.

She's playing you off against each other. She wants him and he's loving the attention. Chances are he doesn't want to be with her but he loves the fact she's wanting him..

He need to go NC. AT ALL!

Ah good morning Op sorry your going through this.

I think maybe he carried in seeing her a little longer than he’s let on. Maybe there was no immediate cut off between them rather a petering out. She’s obviously read more in to the relationship or he may have led her to believe it was more than he has admitted. And that’s why your friendship group is protective of her.

Why were they not protective of you though when they started seeing each other?

I’d say your friendship with this woman is over.

They're protective over something else and not related to this, I know a lot of the girlfriends think she milks it a little now. It was 10 years ago.

I'm not bothered about the friendship @Emptywallet. I'm just not sure if it means my relationship is over too.

Wow, I wouldn’t be as cool as you seem to be about any of this! If I asked DH for some time apart, I would expect him to stay single not start shagging one of our friend’s. I can’t really believe you were ok with this and that you carried on being friends with her while she was shagging your partner...

She clearly wants him back and he’s going along with it, perhaps for an ego massage. I don’t think I could live with any of this, I’d have to end it for good.

Let him go.. bye bye..

#scrawnysunflower
First, allow me to say that I admire your attitude and ability to see clear and be so emotionally intelligent.
I was very interested to read this story and I would like to say: I have been in your shoes and I have been in his shoes too.
Could that help at all if I am trying to give you a bit of insight?

She blocked you because- you are the person who is responsible of her broken heart. Maybe not massively broken, just bit hurt and scratch but still...she lost -you won. She don't know what you might think of her, will you send abusive text or maybe you will add insult to injury via pictures or tweets about your re-found happiness with a man she hoped to have a good time with. She is only trying to protect her self esteem. Its not easy to move on after being dumped.
She is missing him of course (you said she had a crush on him) and a moment of weakness or at a suitable moment she is reaching out to feel, I am not humiliated, I am still a accepted member of a group.
Your DP feel bit sorry for her. Like he said: she did nothing wrong. She has been used and dumped when he did not need her any more. It don't make him look like a good guy. He wants to comfort her and help her to feel less humiliated. He is talking to her only to help her to build up her self respect. He has no feelings for her except feeling bit sorry she found herself in this position.
He agrees to not tell you because it is a innocent conversation and he hopes it will lead to her feeling better and will be able to move on.
Maybe he deleted some of the messages that hinted that she still feels sore. That she hasn't find peace in her head. He don't want to upset you with it and its actually nice thing to do. But also he don't want to see those messages as well because those messages do remind him that he has be bit of ass to her.
"The way to hell is paved with good intentions".

I believe that after the initial shock, you will be able to see that he did not cook up anything. Just hoped to help someone because he feels bit guilty. He has been honest with you and most important is; he puts you and your feelings first. More than most ladies here gets from their DP-s. He is ready to stop supporting hers well-being if that upsets you. He sounds like a good guy to me.

Thank you for a different perspective @Annaminna. I really don't think he's been honest with me though, that's my issue.

I don't think I've explained it very well @Nowayorhighway. When I said friends it's more the same friendship group, I'd never just meet up with her or really even message her or anything. I didn't want a break I wanted to split up and we'd been separated a few months and well frankly he wasn't really getting it. Once we started getting on again and I mentioned maybe trying again he ended things.

They weren't very close friends before either, they wouldn't have messaged as much as they have been and he never really spent time with just her.
So when I was thinking of keeping things as they were before, it was like that.
Not 30 messages in one day alone!

OP, have you gone to your mother’s? If so, how did he react?

No @MsDogLady. He didn't go to work today, he took Ds out for a bit and I wouldn't go without him and then he took my car to get new tyres.

Not like I can just sneak out with the kids and I can't be bothered arguing with him, which it will cause if I say I'm going.

You tried to dump him once (?) already.

Maybe he needs a safety net.