Would this messaging bother you?

[scrawnysunflower]

Name changed because Dp knows my usual user name.
Me and Dp separated a while ago for a few months, it was my decision and he was very upset about it. In that time he was seeing a woman from our friendship group, it was very casual and he told me about it at the time. We have Dc so still saw each other.
Trying to keep things brief, but we ended up back together and they obviously ended their thing.

Throughout us being separated I still spoke to her and her me, no bad feelings between us or anything. But when we got back together she blocked us both on social media and hasn't spoke to either of us since, or so I thought.
Turns out that she's been speaking to Dp since the new year and been messaging him quite regularly. Now he's shown me the messages and nothing seems untoward but he didn't tell me because she asked him not to, and I don't think I'm ok with that.
He thinks I'm being silly, says they're only friends and he really didn't think I'd be bothered. He wants to carry on as he was, but I'd rather he stop messaging her or at the very least inform her that I'm aware that she's talking to him.

And apologies, I know it all sounds a bit juvenile, I'm generally easy going and happy with him having female friends. But this is niggling at me and I'm not sure if I'm being silly being bothered about it or not.

He should be telling her to fuck right off. He should at least be blocking her.

Why do you want to be with a man who treats you so badly? Do you think you can't do any better? Are you scared to be alone? You've already said he doesn't have a big knob so I'm wondering why on earth are you still giving him the time of day?

-He seems to have got together with her in a short space of time after you kicking him out (attraction already there, hence following her on Instagram?)
-He runs back to you when you let him back in but takes part in a secret correspondence with her and on her terms.
-Tries to blame you for his "omission" (lie)
-Tells you his correspondence with her is no problem because he wants you all to be 'friends' (so that you will no longer have grounds to question their 'friendship')

Well I found out today @KellyHall. And no I don't think I can't do better and I'm definitely not scared to be alone.
Where did I mention the size of his knob though? Because it's not small not that, that's any reason to stay with him though.

I get that it reads like that's a possibility @SummerWhisper. It's really difficult to explain but I really don't think it's along those lines.
I think part of him wants to just pretend the time we were apart never happened and us all being friends makes that's easier and I think he quite likes the ego boost of her liking him and maybe even wants me to be a bit jealous.

I don't know, I need to talk to him properly about it. But will have to be tomorrow.

...we’ve been in a really good place.

So you thought. In reality, he has been lying by omission. He has prioritized her needs over open transparency, which is a violation of trust.

He thinks I’m being silly...He wants to carry on as he was...

He is dismissing your feelings and prioritizing his need for an ego boost.

Odd ones starting from last month and then increasing. He doesn’t always reply and then she sends more.

She is ramping up her pursuit and he is enjoying her attention. You say the messages show “nothing untoward,” but the fact that they are messaging at all is untoward. He should have never entertained the idea out of respect for you and the restoration of your relationship. Regarding content, their messages don’t have to be sexual or flirty to be concerning. Familiarity can forge emotional closeness.

This would not work for me. His boundaries are weak, and he has a large sense of entitlement to keep secrets, please another woman, seek ego massages, and dismiss you. He needs to shut down this messaging relationship and also the Instagram following. Honestly, if I were you, I would show him the door.

Tell him he needs to make a choice... it's that simple... 🌺

He knows what he's doing by keeping the ex gf dangling. As pp said he's loving ego boost at the expense of your marriage.

He knows I'm obviously mad about it and he's saying now he'll block her if I want, but that I said I was ok with them being friends so he didn't think he was doing anything wrong.

It's not them being friends though, we talked about that when we decided to get back together and he told me all about their relationship, they weren't bf/gf, they weren't exclusive or anything. At the time I said I was ok with them staying as they had been before.

It's the lying or not telling me about it. And even if he really was thinking it's innocent, I really don't think that's her intention. I mean why be ok with him and not me? I didn't do anything wrong.

I don't know if it is @BumbleBeee69. He can choose me now, but he still kept it from me. That's what's bothering me the most and the more I think about it the more it's bothering me. We've spoke about her within the time they've been back 'friends' and he never said anything. I feel like a idiot and that our other friend all probably know they've been in speaking and no ones said anything to me.

I think you’ve discovered you can’t trust him, he’s playing the innocent and you can’t un-know this about him..

That's what it feels like @Babooshkar. But he's claiming he really didn't think it was a issue as I said I was ok with them being friends. We've two very young children and he's been perfect since we got back together. I don't know what to do and I don't know what I want him to do. He keeps asking if he should block her or if I want him to message her that he's told me.

It sounds like he's prioritised her (and his own) wishes over yours, and even now it's out in the open and your wishes have changed he's still acting selfishly. He should have blocked her when it was apparent it had become a problem for you, not argued that you once said it was ok so now you can't change your mind.

She is actively pursuing him and he is allowing it.

This isn’t normal.

He is still putting it in your toes ‘I’ll delete her if you want - which makes you look unreasonable if you say ‘fuck yeah’

Tbh. If she was your mate she shouldn’t have been shagging your newly recent ex. Mates don’t do that.

He is now back with you and she is still messaging him. She is not your friend.

They have a ‘friendship’ you didn’t know about.

He kept the fact they were having secret messages. This is not a loyal man. He should have closed this down weeks ago.

I’d be really angry at both of them.

The fact he thought you could all be friends is a red herring. Maybe he is getting off on it.

He is absolutely gas lighting you.

Why is he making it your decision what happens with this woman?

IMHO it seems like he is being wilfully ignorant.. He was having sex with this person and is still having contact with her now he’s with you and he can’t see that this might not be appropriate..

He’s making you make the decision and absolving himself of any responsibility - that’s a bit of a red flag in general no?

We were never close friends, she was always closer to Dp. They went to school together and I'm younger. My initial idea of 'staying friends' was for the wider group and neither of us having to miss out due to awkwardness and all that.
Maybe he's getting off on it in a way @Kikkoman. I think he maybe wanted me to be a bit more bothered about them at the time it was happening. But then he never wanted to split up and he did take it quite badly.

I think because I decided what I was happy with when we got back together @Babooshkar. I think he's panicking a bit now.

At the time of us getting back together he said he'd stop all contact with her if that's what I wanted. Even though that wild have meant not seeing as much of his friends and us as a couple steeping back from the group. I did say I didn't think we needed to do that. I believe it was just sex to him and someone to comfort him and he told me he'd be clear with her that, that's all it was and ever would be.

I'm still friends with my first boyfriend and although we don't live near by now, we do still message. Dp knows about this, so I guess I thought and still do that's it's somewhat hypocritical to say he can't talk to someone he's had sex with, when I still do. But I've never kept that friendship from him and we were already at the just friends stage before Dp and I got together.

Would not wild! My phone had a life of its own, well when I'm typing quickly it does

If you were all friends then fine but wanting to be friends with him while blocking you isn't right. I would be upset that he thinks he is being fair. Sound like she is jealous of you and hoping to win him back.

That's what I'm annoyed about @nimsem2. He hasn't given me any reason why he thinks it's ok that she's wanting to be friends with him and not me.
Is he just naive/stupid or enjoying the attention? I don't think he'd actually do anything, while in a relationship with me.

He's apparently sent her a message saying that he's told me and that he doesn't want her to message him anymore, some other stuff but that's the general gist of it. I'm out though so haven't seen it and can't see what she replies.

Well it’s handy your out I wonder if he will keep the messages.

I think you keeping in touch with your ex puts a different slant on it. It’s just not something I’d be interested in doing. I think he may have been getting you back to be honest.

He was my high school boyfriend @Kikkoman. I've been with Dp almost 7 years and I'd been split up with him a few years before that. I don't see why he'd be getting back at me about that.

He'd supposedly kept the messages between them (from today) but it seems quite obvious to me that some have been deleted, it just doesn't flow. He's denying it though.

I've said he obviously isn't telling me the truth so I've said I'd like him to stay elsewhere but he's refusing to do that as he's done nothing wrong.

What a mess, if he'd just told me when she started speaking to him again I wouldn't have even minded. I mean I might not of loved it, but I've always trusted him so would have been ok with it. It's the lying and I just don't see why he's being so stupid as to carry on lying.

His conti ued deceit is very wrong. Ask him to go through the messages with you. Watch him try to 'fill in the gaps' for you. Then you know he is lying and he will know that you know. He is an entitled, lying arse who is putting her before you.

And please, stop trusting him.