Would this messaging bother you?

[scrawnysunflower]

Name changed because Dp knows my usual user name.
Me and Dp separated a while ago for a few months, it was my decision and he was very upset about it. In that time he was seeing a woman from our friendship group, it was very casual and he told me about it at the time. We have Dc so still saw each other.
Trying to keep things brief, but we ended up back together and they obviously ended their thing.

Throughout us being separated I still spoke to her and her me, no bad feelings between us or anything. But when we got back together she blocked us both on social media and hasn't spoke to either of us since, or so I thought.
Turns out that she's been speaking to Dp since the new year and been messaging him quite regularly. Now he's shown me the messages and nothing seems untoward but he didn't tell me because she asked him not to, and I don't think I'm ok with that.
He thinks I'm being silly, says they're only friends and he really didn't think I'd be bothered. He wants to carry on as he was, but I'd rather he stop messaging her or at the very least inform her that I'm aware that she's talking to him.

And apologies, I know it all sounds a bit juvenile, I'm generally easy going and happy with him having female friends. But this is niggling at me and I'm not sure if I'm being silly being bothered about it or not.

And I'm aware how pathetic that sounds, but the baby was up all night and I'm so tired. I'd need to pack the kids stuff and mine and I want time to do that. If I try do it while he's here, he'll make it difficult and I'll end up forgetting stuff.
Hopefully he's at work tomorrow, because I really need a bit of space and I know he won't go.

You Don't have to tell him that you're going. Pack your stuff up while he isn't there and then leave a note.

I would be rethinking the whole relationship. From everything that you've said it sounds like this other woman is always going to be a thorn in your side as long as you are with him. He has shown where his loyalties lie. She Is able to cause all of these problems because he gives her power. Unless you can see that changing I would just walk away.

That was my plan if he'd gone to work @HomerSimpsonSmilingPolitely.

Is it possible to ask him to do something with DC, then pack up the bare essentials and put them in the car without him noticing? Then You can just bugger off in a matter of seconds.

Sorry you're going through this OP. It sounds really shitty.

You Can always Just go without saying anything And Then send a quick text after you're around the corner saying that you've gone to your mum's for some space.

He really should have left when you asked him to. He's being a dick.

They're so little that it's not easy to travel light and I think he'd make leaving with them both difficult @HomerSimpsonSmilingPolitely.

Op you do know hes trying to stop you leave by taking your son out all say and then taking the car hes one sly fucker, at the very least hes had an emotional affair and shown you absolutely no respect.

Op if someone said some not so nice things about me my DH would tell them where to go and would not continue contact this is so not normal

Infact op he will probably take the week off work to prevent you from leaving it's an abusive trick such as locking you in or taking the car keys accidentally, I think you may have to be firm and say as he is refusing to leave that you are and you will be getting the police involved if he trusts to stop you again

I think he'd make leaving with them both difficult @HomerSimpsonSmilingPolitely.

That worries me. He's sounding worse and worse every time you post.

And I completely agree with PP's that he's hanging around and taking the car away to stop you from leaving

Can You call your Mum And explain? Maybe she can distract him or come round and pack some stuff up whilst you are out with him. Then you and DC can just bugger off as soon as you get back

I don't think he'll be able to take the week off. I'm not worried about him letting me go, but I think he'd kick up a fuss and not let me take Ds. And if I go I want to take the passports, birth certificates and stuff, just incase. So I'd need to find all that stuff out too.

I don't want to worry her @HomerSimpsonSmilingPolitely. My grandma is quite unwell and she's already got a lot on. I was going to say he was working away and so we'd come for a few days. At least until I know that I want to do.

The not nice messages were only after he told her he was stopping contact with her. He said she's never said stuff like that before and he's blocked her now.

You've got to remember that probably most of what he's saying is lies. Every time you text he says this or he says that .... it doesn't mean it's true.

Maybe this can be salvaged, and I really hope for your sake it can. But you really need some time alone to get your head straight.

I'm sensing your anger is leaving and you're just exhausted with it all. Do you have a friend you can tell instead of your mum?

I know @WhiteBadger. That's what's messing with my head, not knowing if he's telling me the truth or not. He's being super nice now of course and obviously I want to believe what he's saying. And I'm so tired, chucking him out of bed seemed like a good idea, but I meant I had no help with the baby through the night.

Bit of a heart to heart and he's agreed to go stay elsewhere for a few days to give me a bit of space.

Yeah so he says ... remember this man wouldn't know the truth if it came up and bit him on the bum.

He says whatever he thinks you want to hear.

I hope you have a better nights sleep.

Thanks @WhiteBadger. He took the baby in with him last night and have her a bottle of expressed milk when she woke, so I've had a good sleep and do feel better for it. He's gone to work and taken some stuff so he can stay at his parents tonight.

I'm very unsure, I feel like he's being honest now and he swears there's nothing going on with her and he's sorry for not telling me about it. I just don't know how I can be sure he's telling the truth. I'm tempted to try contact her and ask her what was going on, but then how would I know she was telling me the truth?

Anyway, I'm going to try do something nice with my babies today and not think about it too much.

Do not contact her! As I said previously, no good will come of it!

She might lie, she might not lie. How will you know?

Keep your dignity!!

Glad you had a better sleep.

You're probably right about the not knowing if she's lying or not. I just don't know, seems like I need to do something.

I don't think if effects my dignity though, I've done nothing wrong. She's the one who's been messaging my partner and father of my children. And I was nice when she was fucking him, I could have been a bitch about it then and after.
I don't feel I'm in the wrong at all and if something's been going on, then it's absolutely over and I won't care who knows about them.

OP just read your whole thread do you think maybe in some way he was trying to get back at you because you were the one to end the relationship which you have stated that he was upset about. Maybe he wanted to make you jealous and it also gave him and ego boost.

I don't think its weird that he follows her on Instagram if there from the same friendship group but its clear that she was hurt by the way he treated her and probably does want him.

He has been an idiot with not telling you the truth but for what it worth I don't think they have been having some big affair.

Take some time out for yourself and think about what you want to do.

I think he wanted me to be jealous when he first got with her @kcw1986. I'm not sure what he was thinking now.

Feeling better after a nice day with my dc though, he's staying away tonight and I've said we can talk tomorrow when he finishes work.

Is he just being nicer now because he's scared of losing you? He's realised you're serious?

Think long and hard about what you want.

It's not juvenile. Is is, however, very disturbing that he thought it ok to keep their continued regular communication from you. Even worse that he did it at her request, as they obv were both aware it wasn't on the level (or no need to hide it) and chose to be deceitful, for no apparent gain apart from the positive feelings they got out of continued communication (of there wasn't some kind of thrill, neither would be bothered about making efforts to keep in touch). Shared secret communication and mutual attraction is never going to end well for you, no matter what either say now.
It's not ok. Read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and get him to read it too. I wish I'd known about this year's ago. Would have prevented a lot of hurt.