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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dumped by text ( part 2)

172 replies

RunningInRain · 29/02/2020 07:09

Hi, it’s been suggested I start a new thread as last one nearly full.
My previous name was user1471427667 and in the early hours of one morning nearly 6 weeks ago, my seemingly wonderful boyfriend of two years sent me this text message:
“Hey I’ve been thinking about us and it’s just not working out so best to end it. No need to reply. All the best.”
I was completely blindsided at being dumped when there seemed to be no reason, but mostly at the cold, dismissive way he did it. The words “no need to reply” were particularly cruel. I started a thread on here and was overwhelmed by the support. It’s no exaggeration to say, I was on the floor crying a lot of the first few days (and a few since) .
Even though I was, at first, desperate to talk to him, I didn’t. I knew there could be no ‘good’ outcome of me contacting him. It’s now been 6 weeks and he has sent a few messages - nothing substantial and no apology.
I’m slowly feeling stronger, helped by my friends, this thread, my new found love of running, especially in storms (hence my new name) and by choosing everyday not to reply to him.
I’m not over him yet, so hopefully this thread will continue to help me keep on the right path and help others going through something similar.
Can hear the rain lashing against my windows so I’m off for a run!

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 29/02/2020 11:31

I think I couldn't have resisted sending him this at some point;

AnneKipanki · 29/02/2020 11:33

I nominated your previous thread for classics as I thought it was a brilliant example of how to deal with the shitty behaviour.
We are all rooting for you.

GilbertMarkham · 29/02/2020 11:33

In saying that that song portrays a lack of indifference towards the end that is not what you want to communicate.

Oblomov20 · 29/02/2020 11:40

Well done OP.
You have inner strength! Impressive.

wishywashy6 · 29/02/2020 12:08

Followed your other thread from the start and think you are an absolute hero for the way you have handled yourself. Have a lovely Saturday

ChickenTikkaTellMeWhatsWrong · 29/02/2020 13:36

@RunningInRain I read your first thread and I think you're doing amazing! You're so much better than he will ever be.
Me and my ex were together 15 years when we split, we're still on ok terms, due to our 2 DC, but it was hard going. He got a girlfriend and I was devastated, but had to survive.
He's no longer with that girlfriend but has met someone else a couple of months ago, as he told me. The only reason he told me is because he's going to be moving in with her next month Confused. A part of me still feels so sad about it, but, I don't know if moving in with someone after that long is good or bad.

I've started going the gym and focusing on Uni so I can put it to the back of my mind

mallachy · 29/02/2020 13:41

You are doing so well and being so strong. Keep going, you are better off without him (you just didn't know it).

strawberry2017 · 29/02/2020 14:40

You really are doing fabulously well OP

BumbleBeee69 · 29/02/2020 14:43

AAhhh fabulous OP.. glad to see you're self focused 🌺

PintoPiPs · 29/02/2020 14:46

When you look back OP, were there any signs of his oddness or coldness in the two years you went out?

Hindsight is a great thing of course ... so its not to blame yourself here but to see the bigger picture.

MadeForThis · 29/02/2020 14:55

Glad you're staying strong. Running in the rain sounds good.

puds11 · 29/02/2020 15:00

Just read your thread. He’s gross. I think although it sometimes drives us mad to not know, knowing also can be unhelpful and disappointing. All you need to remember is the problem is his, not yours. Stay strong, ignore him and keep going Smile

SoTiredTonight · 29/02/2020 16:13

Hi @RunningInRain, love your new name! I followed your previous thread in its entirety and was routing for you all the way, so it’s great to have the new thread to follow you along some more. You’ve been pretty inspirational and I love how you fight your emotional pain with physical efforts. You make me want to run in the rain too, been far too lethargic for too long!
Wishing you happiness and looking forward to more updates! Flowers

OtherVoicesOtherRooms · 29/02/2020 16:44

You are just lovely OP!
I'm so glad you've started a second thread.

More than anything you are encouraging those of us following you to value ourselves.

I am not in your position & I'm guessing I may be a good 20 or so years older than you but I am in absolute awe of your wise words & strength.

Dumped by text ( part 2)
PrussianBlueVelvet · 29/02/2020 16:55

RunningInRain, I have followed your story and I am wowed.

20 years ago, my partner ended our three year relationship but forgot to tell me, he simply left. I followed him around, I begged, I pleaded, I cried my eyes out but he just ignored me.

A few months later I was reading, having a cup of tea and I saw him enter the cafe with a girl. She went to use the toilet. He came over and I cried and cried. He said something along the lines of: "I hope you get better soon". He stood up and left when the girl came out of the loo.

Soon after I found a whole box of diazepam down the street -I swear- and I figured it must be a message from the universe telling I'd better take myself out of the equation. I went home, wrote him a ridiculous letter, took all the tablets and hoped I'd never wake up. Except my sister, who had a key to my flat, happened to come in unexpectedly in the small hours after a night out in the town and found me. It took me many, many, many years to get better.

My life carried on, I travelled, had many lovers, got a career, a house, a man I admire and a child. A few years ago I even had the "satisfaction" of him contacting me via facebook to say that ending our relationship was the worst mistake of his life and that he had never had a bond as meaningful as ours again.

When he contacted me, I hinted at the fact that I had had a really bad time when he left me but an apology never came, he just minimised my feelings. I look back on that whole mortifying, undignified period and I am, to this day, so very ashamed.

If I could turn back time, I would do exactly what you did. I know it is hard now but you will look back and you will be very proud of yourself. Good for you!

Nofoolfornoone · 29/02/2020 16:57

You are a queen. And my inspiration. As previously said I wish I had not replied to exes. One I have now blocked on all platforms. Other I am slowly trying. But you inspire me, your strength is amazing!

museumsandgalleries666 · 29/02/2020 17:43

I think there's a film script in here somewhere

MargotMoon · 29/02/2020 17:46

I was told about your thread by a friend yesterday and have just read the whole thing. You are absolutely doing the right thing not replying, although after the 'reminisce' texts I would have been sorely tempted to send 'lol why are you still texting me 😂'

I find it interesting that all of your previous break ups have been respectful. This shows you have a strong amount of self-esteem and I wonder if that was what he firstly found attractive in you, THEN at the crucial two year point, was intimidated by? He knew he wasn't good enough for you so hit his self-sabotage button.

You're working through it all - and don't be alarmed by how long it takes, there will be good days and bad days, it's all moving in the right direction - but he is and always will be an emotionally retarded little prick.

RunningInRain · 29/02/2020 18:01

Just back from a shopping trip and good catch up with a friend. I got some new clothes as have gone down a dress size since this began - yay for the heartbreak diet! I’m sure the running has helped as well. I wouldn’t advise is as a weight loss plan though, consuming nothing all day but coffee plus the occasional biscuit is far from healthy. My eating has definitely improved since the first 2/3 weeks and I’m back to cooking and eating fairly healthily.
Friend was a real tonic! I laughed and cried with her. For some reason we ended up trying to do headstands up against the wall ( as you do on a Saturday afternoon!). I haven’t done one for years and it’s harder than I thought!
Just trying to read through all your lovely comments. As I keep saying, I’m not doing anything amazing, just bumbling through each day the best I can
@PrussianBlueVelvet - I’m so so sorry you had to go through all that. What an absolute piece of work your ex was. Thank god your sister came to see you when she did and look at the life you went on to have full of good things. Whereas his sounds quite pathetic and full of regret ( so he SHOULD regret losing you ) and of course, he can’t even say sorry because that would mean admitting how shit he acted.
I just wanted to say also that you have nothing to feel ashamed of. Ashamed for loving someone? Ashamed for trying to find answers when nothing made sense? No, the shame is all firmly with him Prussian. All we can do is learn from experiences.
I’ve had other ‘normal’ breakups and there has always been some kind of contact afterwards at some point because there is a mutual respect. But this coldness is something else.

OP posts:
RunningInRain · 29/02/2020 18:19

@MargotMoon - lol, believe I’ve been tempted to send him all sorts of texts and I’ve had some great suggestions on the last thread which really made me laugh!
It wasn’t like from day one I decided I would never contact him. In fact, it would have been impossible to think that then. I was so bewildered and hurt and just had to try and get through each day, each hour even, bit by bit. I’d telll myself that if I really wanted to text him still the next day, then I would. By the time 24 hrs had passed I had usually talked myself out of it. My head knew there would be no good outcome of texting him even though my heart wanted to. It helped me to go over the different scenarios in my head eg. If he didn’t text back, how I’d feel. If he replied in the same cold way, how I’d feel. Even the best scenario of he says sorry and it’s all a mistake, then firstly, why didn’t he text ME to say that and secondly how would I ever trust him not to do that again.?Would I just be waiting for it to all repeat?
I think when he broke the silence with his “hey” text, it told me all I needed to know and any small hope that I still held, vanished. The middle part of your post is what a few of my closest friends have said too about him hitting the self sabotage button. Ties in with his comment about him not deserving me at our last meeting. I don’t know.
Sorry, I’m rambling now!

OP posts:
RunningInRain · 29/02/2020 18:26

Lol, a lot of scenes sitting on a kitchen floor blobbing! Obviously lead actress would have to be someone with -wobbly- erm I mean rock hard thighs from all the running😃

OP posts:
RunningInRain · 29/02/2020 18:28

@OtherVoicesOtherRooms love that quote! 💜🏃‍♀️

OP posts:
RunningInRain · 29/02/2020 18:37

@ChickenTikkaTellMeWhatsWrong - that must be so hard. I realise I have it so easy compared to people who have children /marriages/ houses together. I can’t imagine how hard it must being having to keep in contact because of your children. I know the likelihood is that my ex has someone else, and of course, he’s a free agent, so no reason he shouldn’t, but I don’t want to hear about it. You don’t have that luxury and on top of your own hurt, have to be brave for your children. I totally admire you. Keep on keeping on, your day will come.
Good luck with the gym and uni - two really positive things to focus on!

OP posts:
RunningInRain · 29/02/2020 18:45

@GilbertMarkham lol, catchy!!!!
@AnneKipanki - thank you. Wow, classics? Doesn’t it have to be a funny/quirky sort of thread to go to classics? Thanks for the nom though.
I will keep coming back to both threads for a read when I’m feeling low and need courage to keep going. I presume the old thread can still be accessed for a few more weeks at least?

OP posts:
AnneKipanki · 29/02/2020 19:17

It is inspirational though .