My heart is breaking - 20 wks pg with #3 and DH says he doesn’t love me the same anymore

[Showmethecake]

We’ve been together for 15 years, married for 5 and have 2 small DC (4 and 2). Baby #3 on the way - a surprise and I was very confused how I felt about it at first but now a wanted baby.

DH didn’t want a 3rd child and I suspect blames me for it. He hasn’t really connected with the pregnancy and has seemed distant. We haven’t talked about names, he hasn’t asked how I am feeling etc. 20 wk scan is on Monday but now everything is crashing down around me.

DH has been very anxious, stressed with work and generally snappy with us all for a couple of months. We’re looking to buy a house so I put it down to that but on Monday he told me he thought he was having a midlife crisis and that everything was crashing down in his head.

We had a chat but it was as though he has shut down and the real DH has gone. He said he just can’t work out things in his head. He saw a counsellor yesterday and we had a very emotional conversation where he eventually said he doesn’t love me the same anymore.

He said he can’t imagine not seeing the DS everyday and that he’ll love the baby when it’s born and always be here for us.

I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

Can anyone give me hope that this could be a blip (albeit a rather large one!) and maybe be does still love me but is too depressed to see?

Bit the pressure of buying a house (finally takjng full responsibility for his family) have him in a crisis, implying he might leave.

He's self indulgent, and at ops expense. It's disgusting to put someone through such uncertainty and stress when they're pregnant with your child.

He says he doesn't have depression.
He says he's not having an affair.
So WTF is the problem then?! Why's he feeling so bloody sorry for himself?!
I think he is in denial about depression or he is having an affair and lying about it (I'm amazed that you're convinced he's not just because he says he isn't).

I agree with mathanxiety. Whatever he's going through, you don't have to support him at the expense of your own well-being. He's seeing a counsellor which is good. He doesn't have to dump on you as well while you're going through pregnancy and also looking after two young children.

Lots of people on this thread saying you should martyr yourself and give him lots of support while he's breaking your heart. Fuck that.

Poor you ❤️ this is not the time for this stress!

It's all going to be OK, just know that.

Take some deep breaths... EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE FINE ❤️

It sounds painful but look at the positives:
He's still there
He's opening up to you
He sounds like he's telling the truth

I can see how from the man"s p.o.v a newborn baby is stressful. So right now, with him being stressed, unhappy and hating himself, a newborn is going to freak him out.

It's going to be a tough phase but "this too shall pass". Even him opening up to you is a good start. You need to look after yourself as you are the pregnant mother with two little ones. As long as he still takes care of you all...

I think there is hope for you both. When I had a newborn my partner told me he didn't love me or even like me. But he was depressed, we hadn't felt like a couple in months, we were stressed. I think once your partner feels a bit happier, he might start realising things aren't as bad as they seem. Maybe suggest a nice family day where you all have a bit of time out. Or, when kids are to bed, have some nice food and a bit of wine with him, put on a movie he wants to watch. Maybe he feels like he needs to have a laugh, or feel some passion.

There's no simple solution but I'm sure you will both move past this and be fine xxx

She's not the one saying she can't cope and perhaps wants out. She's holding it together.

But had she not have been able to, she would have had an out. So, she was able to make a positive choice to continue.

She hadn't the option of getting out
She did have

Op works part time does she not.

Plus even if she didn't she main carer to two kids, a third soon. Why the fk would she earn.

She does but is she going back? And why would she earn? Well, because you need money to live. If money is already tight then a 3rd child won't improve things, especially if op decides not to go back to work. Maybe that pressure has become too much for her DH? Maybe his job is uncertain and the pressure of taking on a mortgage plus now a new baby has topped him into depression?

"When I had a newborn my partner told me he didn't love me or even like me."

See, you might have forgiven that, but I don't think I could.

I've had depression and I've never told my husband that.

You had a newborn FFS. You were recovering from birth and looking after his baby.

I suffer with episodic depression. This sounds very un PC, but I am not the best person to judge when my mental health starts spiralling. I claim I'm ok. I'm not lying as such, just wrong / deluded. I wonder is the DH here may also be wrong. Id be asking him to see his GP to check.

Some posters on here are making it sound like it's a choice to have depression. Do they think people with depression should "just pull themselves together", because that's what it sounds like.

But had she not have been able to, she would have had an out. So, she was able to make a positive choice to continue.

He didn't do this when she was early in the pregnancy!! He's doing it now - when presumably there's no chance of terminating the pregnancy and it's a find deal!!!

She's not - she'd standing by her decision re contraception and continuing the pregnancy. She's being reasonable and responsible.

He is not.

*done deal

Well, because you need money to live. If money is already tight then a 3rd child won't improve things, especially if op decides not to go back to work. Maybe that pressure has become too much for her DH? Maybe his job is uncertain and the pressure of taking on a mortgage plus now a new baby has topped him into depression?

He's the full time worker, he's the bread winner. But too late to consider the financial effects of having a third child long after youve impregnating your wife and not had a discussion with her about continuing the pregnancy.

If he thinks they can't afford to buy the house, he can say that and try to pull out of any sale ... He's not doing that, he's having melt down and telling her he doesn't have the same feelings for her and doesn't know if he wants to be there - while she's ptegy with his third child and dependant on him. Selfish, shitty, cruel, irresponsible behaviour.

*pregnant

Erm... my ex husband also tried to convince me I was stressed and depressed. I was not depressed, I was unhappy in my relationship.

I remember having a good cry with my gp while my husband was waiting outside after my “counselour” told him he couldn’t get his advice thorough me and I needed to be treated medically. I felt he had decided I was crazy as otherwise he couldn’t understand why I would want to leave my marriage. Fortunately my GP didn’t prescribe me anything and reassured me it was ok to want to leave a good relationship, they also followed my appointment reporting the “counselour” for malpractice.

Falling out of love with someone you still love in a non romantic way is more heartbreaking than people in this thread are assuming. You don’t need to be having an affair or loosing your mind to leave a good partner, but I can assure you, you can get to hate that loved partner if you feel forced to stay.

Be kind to yourself OP, and don’t perform a character assassination on him, it would only make things more difficult for everyone. Things happen some times but you and the kids will be fine, we single mums always find the way, you are about to discover how great and strong you are, but I insist, while he is so sad and feeling guilty get him to put a reasonable agreement in place for the care of the children and have it formalised by court so the 5 of you are ok during this transition and afterwards. Don’t leave this for later, as things will change as you start growing further apart of each other.

There is a book I found very very useful at the time of our break up, it is called “Putting Children First: a manual for separated parents”, it helps you start on the best way to ensure everyone survives the split in the best possible way.

GilbertMarkham

The decision to terminate a pregnancy is down to the woman, not the man. 20 weeks isn't too late to terminate if that's what the woman chooses to do.

And the role of being breadwinner shouldn't rest with the man alone. It must be a terrible burden to carry. Add into that a new baby with all of the expense that entails as well as going back to the baby stage and maybe this has caused a depression.

If op develops post natal depression will you be telling her to sort herself out, that she's being a twat, possibly having an affair? I doubt it. I assume you would be sympathetic and offer support and advice, realising that she was unwell.

Well done on the eyeliner and the kids party OP, you are a strong woman.

Please ask your husband what he meant when he said he would miss the two boys. It’s important.

It might be that he imagines that if he leaves you he will only see the boys occasionally, perhaps popping in for dinner once a week. There are too many women on MN who allow this because they are desperate to keep seeing him, whatever the cost to themselves and the children.

In that case , you can explain that of course he will see the boys half the time, as that’s how much they will be living with him. And of course the baby too, once it’s older and is attached to him.

He will need to have the children half the week as you will be going back to work full time after your maternity leave.

It’s important that he understands what life will be like as a single dad.

If he’s having an affair, he needs to take the children into account in his new life.

If he’s not, and just fancies being young free and single, he needs to think again.

If he is depressed, he need to get help for himself and not expect you to fix him.

And it’s there’s any other reason he thinks he might not see his children, you need to know about that too and act accordingly.

Does your DS feel you’ve tricked him into a third child because you desperately wanted a girl?

But was he actually aware that you were not taking precautions? Otherwise why would he blame you?

You have not answered either of these questions yet, in spite of responding to other questions posted since.

Double3xposure - brilliant post and advice. You are absolutely right.

Posting my thoughts and then I will RTFT!

He has had his head turned. Sorry, been through this, he also told me how depressed he was and I supported him for 2 years.

He failed to mention he was balls deep in one of his team members.

A space alien somewhere kidnapped your husband and left you with a stranger with shark's eyes that looked like him but was not him?

Distracted, upset, unavailable, cries all the time? Disengaged?

Unfortuatnely depressed men use sex to make themselves feel alive. Gosh, they are destructive people.

I remember him babbling to me about being caught in deceit. He was really trying to tell me something. Didn't stop him choosing a week in London with JCW over being at home.

Because I had tried so hard to support his depression, the betrayal was devastating.

Sorry OP, but I would take steps to insist he gets counselling with an experienced counsellor who hopefully will explore whether he is finding 'emotional support' elsewhere and advise him that is a terrible idea

He knew I wasn’t on the pill. We were both reckless in that regard. He had said he didn’t want another baby before.

I definitely don’t want a girl. I always imagined we would have 3 children. Maybe deep down I wanted to get pg but didn’t think it would happen. I spent the first part of the pregnancy feeling really low that I’d ruined our relationship and he blamed me. Obviously it takes two though and if he felt this strongly we should have had a more considered conversation.

He said he wants a calmer talk tonight and has mentioned couples counselling.

He’s told me again there isn’t anyone else.

I think when he said he would miss the boys he just meant as in not seeing them all the time. I very much doubt he has thought about custody and the actualities of a separation etc but maybe I’m wrong

Party was hard work. Felt like everyone was looking at me/disapproving looks that mine are the wild kids that don’t listen.

Been there.

He makes sure you go to bed early every night because you are tired??? No. He's getting shot of you for the evening.

If you were my friend, I would be telling you to get your papers in order. Screen shot every statement and document you will need so that you can visit a solicitor at a moments notice.

I’ll be amazed if there isn’t an OW lurking.

He’s following the script to a tee.

‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’

‘I’m depressed/ having a MLC’

And he’s rewriting history by saying he wasn’t sure about having DC2, so he can say: ‘I haven’t been happy for a while’.

All bollocks.

You are pregnant and he’s just told you he doesn’t love you because he’s ‘depressed’. Therefore he does not then get to ask you to help him make it all better.

Tell him if that’s the way he feels he can fuck off until he’s sorted himself out.

@WidoWanky he doesn’t make me go to bed. I meant that he’s been making sure I get extra rest when I need it by putting DSs to bed, bringing me food etc. Not meant in a negative way.

Not sure what other questions I’ve missed.

Will see what later brings.

I can't stand it when people say things like "tricked him into pregnancy" or "he's upset about another baby".
A man who doesn't want to make a baby makes sure that pregnancy is not going to happen.
Personal responsibility people!
And no, I very much doubt that 2 doctors would sign off on a 20 week termination for no good reason hearshooves, aside from the fact that OP doesn't want an abortion! Jesus, what's wrong with you?
If this man is finding it oh so scary to be a family man with a job (which is SO hard apparently, even though thousands of women work full time, pay the mortgage on their own and raise kids singlehandedly with no sympathy whatsoever) then he should have put a condom on his dick.
OP, I don't know what his deal is, but if I were you I would harden my heart and focus hard on protecting yourself and your children.
I agree that you also make it very clear what single dadhood is going to be like. Don't let him think he's going to skip off into the sunset unburdened.
Maybe he is depressed, maybe it's something else, but put your survival front and centre for now.

It sounds to me like he is mentally unwell. Maybe the stress from work, moving house and new baby coming. I have had depression before and it made me disassociate. I had no feelings for my husband at all. This was the illness not me talking.

When my DH is stressed and struggling he turns into someone else. He basically suppresses all his feelings and becomes this other person. So detached. Thankfully he's worked on this a or and it happens less and less and for short periods of time only. It's his defence mechanism when he's not coping. Hard to be on the other end of though.

Encourage him to take done time for himself to destress however he does this and also get some mental health support. And to not make any big decisions while he is feeling the way he is.

And you do whatever YOU need to help you get through this too.

Some of the posts are horrible. Real knee jerk reactions. The OP has said he thinks he's depressed. She also has said this is really out of character as he's usually loving and a good man. They've been together for many years and suddenly he's depressed and behaving out of character and suddenly OP should withdraw all support and he's a horrible, awful person

I think this is completely wrong. He's said something hurtful but you don't jump ship like this. He sounds unwell and sometimes unwell people require support from others. With men that can mean getting them to see when they are struggling emotionally and helping them understand it. They often blame the wrong cause ime because society tells them emotions aren't ok for me so they don't become very emotionally literate.

Stick with it OP for now anyway. Just make sure you are looking after you too and your mental health doesn't start to suffer.

They've been together for many years and suddenly he's depressed and behaving out of character and suddenly OP should withdraw all support and he's a horrible, awful person

He's said he doesn't love the OP any more. That sounds pretty damn clear. If he was feeling depressed that's a completely different kettle of fish to switching off all your emotions. The OP doesn't get to walk away or change her mind, she has to be the adult and put her children first.