My heart is breaking - 20 wks pg with #3 and DH says he doesn’t love me the same anymore

[Showmethecake]

We’ve been together for 15 years, married for 5 and have 2 small DC (4 and 2). Baby #3 on the way - a surprise and I was very confused how I felt about it at first but now a wanted baby.

DH didn’t want a 3rd child and I suspect blames me for it. He hasn’t really connected with the pregnancy and has seemed distant. We haven’t talked about names, he hasn’t asked how I am feeling etc. 20 wk scan is on Monday but now everything is crashing down around me.

DH has been very anxious, stressed with work and generally snappy with us all for a couple of months. We’re looking to buy a house so I put it down to that but on Monday he told me he thought he was having a midlife crisis and that everything was crashing down in his head.

We had a chat but it was as though he has shut down and the real DH has gone. He said he just can’t work out things in his head. He saw a counsellor yesterday and we had a very emotional conversation where he eventually said he doesn’t love me the same anymore.

He said he can’t imagine not seeing the DS everyday and that he’ll love the baby when it’s born and always be here for us.

I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

Can anyone give me hope that this could be a blip (albeit a rather large one!) and maybe be does still love me but is too depressed to see?

I’m going through this with my husband. He’s told me he isn’t in love with me anymore but still wants sex and still finds me attractive so if I just be the happy, sexy, fun woman he met all those decades ago then maybe he’ll love me again. I’ve been playing the pick me dance for years and our relationship has always been me chasing him. He’s emotionally unavailable and has never put in much effort to me. Don’t be me. Don’t chase. It’s left me old, miserable, bitter and resentful. I’m a shell of my old happy self. This man and trying to persuade him to respect me and love me and cherish me has utterly destroyed me. I have no self esteem or self confidence. It spills over into every area of life. Unhappiness breeds unhappiness. Stand firm now. Be your own champion. Say “this is not good enough for me. I deserve somebody who loves me”

I think that was excellent advice milks. Putting the selfishness aside, it is good he is admitting to you what is going on and getting outside help. Many men do not do this. Unfortunately he is going to be unavailable to you emotionally and perhaps physically.

Now is not the time to point out that once he allows sperm to leave his body, it no longer belongs to him. I presume you fall pregnant relatively easily so pregnancy resulting from unprotected sex was very unwise if he felt so strongly against a third child.

My dh came to maybe one of my scans. I had several as I was living abroad and the gynaecologist didn’t tell me any of what he was checking. Just told me it was a girl, no downs, all was fine and when to return etc. I also went alone to what I imagine to be the 20 week scan at the hospital both abroad and when I returned to the uk to live at 7 months. All that to say, I don’t think it’s abnormal for your husband not to attend scans if you don’t want him there. Perhaps you could take someone else with you if you don’t want to go alone.

Hang on in there. Take care of yourself.

Seems like he's having some sort of breakdown. X

It sounds like he is hugely overwhelmed and freaking out at the prospect of a third. If it was unplanned, he probably does blame you for it (even though that is unfair and irrational). Out of interest, is he the only breadwinner? If so, a third child is another human entirely dependent on his paycheck which is a massive undertaking and a huge stress if things are already tough at work.

Only you and he can work this out but I wouldn't lose hope just yet. It's hugely positive that he has seen a counsellor as it shows he recognises there's a problem, and that he may be open to working through it. I wonder if everything has just got too much and he's lashing out at the nearest available source. I'm guilty of doing this myself and saying things I later regret to family members.

Sending a handhold OP, and I hope things work out for you. Good luck with the pregnancy.

This was me 6 years ago, almost to the last detail (except my 3rd child was already here).

What I’ve learned since is:

1. Sensible, reliable, ‘good’ men don’t leave a non-abusive relationship just because it’s not working for them. 9 times out of 10 there’s someone else promising greener grass. My husband had a momentary lapse and is still a good man and good father (and with the other woman still), but even he used to say the same when friends would tell us their husbands didn’t love them anymore-men usually need a replacement before they take the plunge.
   Please ask him to log onto his emails for you and allow you immediate access to his phone.

2. whatever the outcome, even if it’s the worst possible thing and he’s treated you appallingly, please find a way to move through the next few months without killing each other and saying things you can’t take back. I promise you it will be hard but it will be the best thing you can do for your kids. Try not to draw battle lines. Mine were 5, 4 and 18 mths when I made him move out (all the behaviours you said, moody and irritable etc, eventually I asked-even then I didn’t really think he could, he’s the last person I’d ever have thought could be unfaithful), and the best thing we did was still have him come round after work for tea time/bed time. It meant the kids didn’t have him suddenly drop off their radar but also it means you and he keep having to be civil, and if you can fake it ‘til you make it your kids will get through unscathed. Mine are 13, 11 and 8 now and I can honestly say they are virtually unaffected because the have access to both of us and there is no tension and no huge divide; we’re a united parenting front and attend things together, he can drop in and see the kids outside of the weekends they’re with him, we’re flexible if one of us needs to change the date etc. It’s the thing I’m proudest of and the advice I’d give to anyone in that situation; it doesn’t stop you having passive-aggressive digs and hating him on sight, but you just have to learn to hide it from your kids until it becomes easier.

I sincerely hope I’m wrong about your situation. Please look after yourself and all your babies

Aridane
I don’t think anyone has disagreed with a lot of what you are saying. Idk about an affair though. A MLC is a type of depression as has been pointed out. Depression makes people selfish and unreasonable. I agree many women battle through and their health and children suffer. Some, however, do not.

None of this is worth pointing out to ops dh. It’s going to push him away further. She has 2 children and a 3rd on the way to think about. If he can come through this, the marriage may come out stronger. If not, the calmness and looking more toward her family than husband for help will hopefully stand her in good stead for what the future may hold.

He sounds to me like he is depressed.

He says he isn’t depressed but I’ve been there and think he is. He’s not himself. Can’t find the effort to do things with me or the boys. I think he’s so deep in the fog that he can’t see a way out and it’s so sad.

We both work. I’m PT so he is main breadwinner but financially we are lucky and safe as we live in a house owned by family (low rent) and have just paid off all debts for mortgage application.

I want to help him feel better but I don’t want to be walked over. It’s totally out of character so am hoping the counselling will help.

It screamed affair to me too I'm afraid.

What I do suggest is that you take care of yourself and your DC. I would ask him for some distance and space (eg. him to move out for a bit) for him to sort himself out. You need to concentrate on looking after your DC and yourself. And he needs to sort out his thinking - get himself help.
And I would get legal advice.

I have known someone whose husband moved out for a while and now they're back together and it's okay. So it doesn't mean its the end. But a lot of rethinking needs to happen, for it to work.

He said he would miss both DSs.

I wondered how long it was going to take to mention 2 boys.

Does your DS feel you’ve tricked him into a third child because you desperately wanted a girl? Even if there is absolutely no truth in that, if you’ve talked repeatedly about it then you can understand why he might think it, and I’ll be honest, it’s something I have known several women do, in spite of their DHs express wishes to have no more children.

If it’s not this then he’s either suffering from stress and depression or he is having an affair.

I think it sounds like depression and stress from work; he feels he cannot crack up at work and it’s instead happening at home.

I’d be encouraging him to talk to a GP and counsellor.

I’ve been in a similar position. I scoured the internet for advice on how to help him, there were lots of tears. He was happy when I said he could leave - to his his head right, he missed the kids. He said he wasn’t depressed but I really thought he was. I was heartbroken and crying every day.

What was really happening is that we were going through a bad patch and my ex was already talking to a woman on facebook. I think he thought if he left he would have a chance with her. A wonderful better life where he would be happy.

Came crawling back when she was having none of it.

Protect your self. Your in a far worse position than him right now. He wants out. There is a reason

Your DH sounds in a similar state of mind to mine, in some respects, in the recent past.

DH has since moved jobs, started taking anti-depressants and has a new hobby. He is so much happier and it's lovely to see.

I don't think it's the end for your relationship but your DH does need to look after his mental health so he can take a clear look at your future.

Your story except the pregnancy part is exactly how my ex behaved when he was playing away. I could have written what your describing your oh is behaving like.
I thought my ex was having a breakdown or suffering with depression so I pussyfooted around him like an idiot turned out he was eaten up with upset because he was messing about.

I hope this isn't the case with your oh.

But why does he not want a 3rd child? It makes no sense. He knew you were not on the pill, didn't wear a condom, jizzed in you anyway, then has the nerve to say he doesn't want the resulting child.

What the actual.

What effort is a 3rd child going to involve from him anyway? He carries on going to work and socialising while you juggle 3 kids presumably?

And why pull out of house purchase, what's changed there? After mat leave you will be going back to work after all, and you still all need somewhere to live.

Do you two actually talk to each other? It all sounds so fraught and frankly illogical.

I think that’s not unusual Fiber

Even before an actual affair we are told that if you are unhappy in the relationship for what we reason then you should do the decent thing and leave, not just have an affair, for which there is no excuse. So men will sometimes say they are depressed, having a breakdown or mid life crisis and can’t explain why but they just don’t feel happy any more. Then this depression miraculously lifts once they are ‘single’ and officially free to see someone else.

Bottom line is that whether the affair is already underway or just an idea he is obsessing over, he wants to be free to sleep with someone else and he can’t rest until he’s done it. Very few men leave or make noises about leaving unless there is sex with someone else on their minds.

Neither of us took precautions to not get PG but sexy life has been sporadic at best.

But was he actually aware that you were not taking precautions? Otherwise why would he blame you?

Having been through this myself with my ex H it is possible that he is struggling with the idea and added responsibilities of another member of the family . All the people calling him a cunt and a snowflake etc - is this not the opposite of what we hear all the time about men and their mental health and how they need to be listened to as well ? If it was a woman posting here about uncertainty etc about a pregnancy , there would be no end of sympathy .I assume he is the main ( or only?) financial support in the family ? This can take its toll . He may feel very alone in having to provide for everyone , the new house etc .
Sadly however there is also the possibility of an OW and the stress of that can end up creating a scenario like this . It did with my ex H.
As regards the counselling I sometimes think things come out of people's mouths in these sessions which is not actually helpful and very much " of the moment " . Let's face it - we all think stuff and if we were to say it every time we would be very hurtful to others . Good luck OP.

He sounds overwhelmed and possibly depressed but I agree with previous posters who say he is giving himself the luxury of having a midlife crisis - and reminds me of my (now ex) husband who decided he had "post natal depression" one week after our premature twins were born abroad, with me having been hospitalised for 2 months and then having had a c-section and unable to walk or drive. I never forgave him for the self-indulgence of it - of course I was unable to have anything like that because I had to get on with it!

Big hand-hold for you, this is very hard, I would not indulge him in any sort of 'poor me' way but this must be a nightmare for you with two small kids to look after and being pg.

I agree with everything @Aridane said.

On MN you will get a large proportion of posters screaming "manchild/leave him/he's a twat" without knowing your DH from Adam. It's quite conceivable that he's overwhelmed with stress, with work, buying a house and supporting a surprise extra baby. Send him to his gp and continue with counselling.

FWIW, I suffer with intermittent depression and when I'm having an episode I always feel like I don't love my partner. I think it's just because he's closest to me, I project all my negative feelings onto him and our relationship.

Don't give up on your relationship yet. I hope things improve for you.

I'm a bit confused. He says his feelings have changed for you, and he's going to miss the children?? Tell him he won't miss the children as he will be taking them with him snd you will be looking after the third child when it's born. He's making a massive assumption that you and the children are one unit.

Agree with Ariadne .

I agree with @Aridane

Big hugs for you though OP

He said he should stay and be unhappy to make everyone else happy which obviously I wouldn’t want.

This is very telling. It's highly manipulative and a really unpleasant thing to say. It's putting it all on you - you ask him to stay and it makes you responsible for him being unhappy. Or you tell him to go, in which case he tells everyone that you gave him permission to leave so it's fine to go.

In your shoes I would withdraw from him. You are pregnant with two young children so your priority has to be them and your health.

Tell him to move out and go to his family - he can't stay in the house like this as it would be very disruptive and upsetting for you and the kids. Tacitly blaming you for being pregnant - which is what he's doing - is ridiculous. You didn't get yourself up the duff and if he was so affected by your DS1 and DS2 then why the hell was he having unprotected sex?

Tell him that he needs to communicate with your parents about access to the kids - and he needs to see them elsewhere and not at the house.

Take a big step back and don't enable him. At the moment he's got you running round after him, treading on eggshells and desperately trying to fix things. It's not up to you to fix anything. As an adult he has the responsibility for his welfare and feelings and he needs to take ownership. And that includes if he is depressed - he needs to book to see a Doctor to explore medication, he needs to find a counsellor and book appointments, he needs to make sure that his diet and exercise are good.

In the meantime be kind to yourself.

I don’t think it sounds like an affair. I think he likely feels gutted and trapped knowing a third baby is on the way.

Neither of us took precautions to not get PG

This completely confuses me. How people can be so completely irresponsible especially when he didn’t want a third child?