My heart is breaking - 20 wks pg with #3 and DH says he doesn’t love me the same anymore

[Showmethecake]

We’ve been together for 15 years, married for 5 and have 2 small DC (4 and 2). Baby #3 on the way - a surprise and I was very confused how I felt about it at first but now a wanted baby.

DH didn’t want a 3rd child and I suspect blames me for it. He hasn’t really connected with the pregnancy and has seemed distant. We haven’t talked about names, he hasn’t asked how I am feeling etc. 20 wk scan is on Monday but now everything is crashing down around me.

DH has been very anxious, stressed with work and generally snappy with us all for a couple of months. We’re looking to buy a house so I put it down to that but on Monday he told me he thought he was having a midlife crisis and that everything was crashing down in his head.

We had a chat but it was as though he has shut down and the real DH has gone. He said he just can’t work out things in his head. He saw a counsellor yesterday and we had a very emotional conversation where he eventually said he doesn’t love me the same anymore.

He said he can’t imagine not seeing the DS everyday and that he’ll love the baby when it’s born and always be here for us.

I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

Can anyone give me hope that this could be a blip (albeit a rather large one!) and maybe be does still love me but is too depressed to see?

And no, I very much doubt that 2 doctors would sign off on a 20 week termination for no good reason hearshooves, aside from the fact that OP doesn't want an abortion! Jesus, what's wrong with you?

You can have a termination up to 24 weeks, so yes it is available. I wasn't for 1 minute suggesting that op should have 1. I was saying that it isn't up to the man to suggest it, it's entirely up to the woman. It was another poster saying that he should have asked to have a termination so not sure why you're having a go at me?

@Springsnake what a crock of shit. I have mentally checked out plenty of times due to my mental health. So it isn't "always men". Poor mental health can affect anyone.

I just don’t see how he gets to blame OP for a pregnancy that he’s 50% responsible for, tell her he doesn’t love her any more and somehow he’s the poor victim. What about OP?! It’s not her fault or her responsibility that his ‘depression’ has turned him into a callous bastard.

I'm going to be a bit brutal here, OP.

My Dad did the exact same thing to my Mum, only she was nearly term with her pregnancy. He didn't know what was wrong with him, he felt so sad not looking forward to the baby, he was stressed and worried about money. So Mum took all of that on her shoulders and carried on top of her own worries.

Turns out he was seeing someone. He hid his tracks like MI5, to make sure that no one could blame him for abandoning a pregnant wife and kids.

Men don't leave a comfortable life unless there is something better on offer. And he's already checked out of your marriage, I'm sad to say.

You deserve better

After two children he knows what the risks of unprotected sex are.

If he felt so strongly about not having more kids then he shouldn't have had sex without contraception. Leaving it up to chance and then doing the 'woe is me' routine when sperm meets egg is ridiculously self-indulgent.

If there isn't an OW then it's MH related or he wants out of the relationship - he can't have it all ways. If he claims that he's not shagging about, but insists that he's not depressed then what exactly is going on that the only thing left is that he's fallen out of love with you. Shitty but it does happen.

Whatever the reason he needs to take some responsibility for his feelings and behaviour. If he wants to try and work things out then he needs to find a marriage counsellor and book them. If he wants to end the marriage then he needs to be honest and move out. What he can't do is sit there and carry on as he is, because that's putting awful pressure on you and the children.

@AnotherEmma I appreciate what you're saying BUT he didn't mean what he said. I did talk to him about what he said a few times as it stuck in my mind and he admitted he had just wanted to hurt me as we were arguing. Also, we had resentment for each other - we didn't like each other at the time. I'm happy to say that we've worked through things and now we're both so happy and tell each other how much we love each other every day x

👍

@Mamabear1990 that gives me hope and I’m so glad it worked out for you.

I don’t want to be nasty to him, I want to work on our relationship but I don’t want to be walked over and I’ve got to put the baby and DCs first. I haven’t spent 15 years with him to just drop it all.

Thanks for all your replies everyone

Reading this thread makes it abundantly clear why men hide mental health problems and won't open up.

It's ridiculous to suggest that everyone with depression has insight and realise what's happening to them. It's also ridiculous to suggest that at all times people act logically and rationally and think about everyone else - maybe he's said these things because he is depressed, deeply unhappy and in pain.

Why can't he be unhappy about this pregnancy? Why isn't op getting berated for having unprotected sex when she knew that he didn't want another child?

I've read so many threads about women who aren't happy about being pregnant, some have even actively been trying. You can't necessarily predict how you will react to situations. I'm guessing that both of them hadn't considered that she would get pregnant and now that it's a reality they are realising the difficulties that this brings.

Have a read of this thread OP

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3835395-The-truth-behind-his-depression

Another one agreeing with @Aridane wishing you well op.

@Showmethecake I think you have lots of reasons to stay hopeful! He's opening up to you AND he's seeing a counsellor... Keep talking together and stay strong. It is very hurtful what he said but he might not be able to see things clearly right now. I think he's buckling under the pressure of realising you're about to have another child. His head may be filled with negativity instead of seeing all of the positives.

Just one more thing... When me and my partner were in a bad place, I was going to sit him down and talk things out but my friend suggested to me that we leave talking for another time and just enjoy each others company. And instead of having an evening of inevitable arguing, we actually had a lovely evening together which made us both feel much happier in the long run. It may seem like bad timing to suggest this but why not have a nice day or evening as a family together? Remember why you are good as a couple! Remember why you love each other.

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras I really hope I made it clear that my ex WAS depressed, and I knew he was.

It is just that he was depressed about things that had nothing to do with me.
Not being a millionaire.
His hair falling out
Not being a CEO
Getting old
Being responsible
Not having had enough girls
The endless grind of work and responsiblities
Feeling trapped

Then, a promotion and move that went straight to his head.

And he took all of that out on me, blamed me, and indulged himself with 'feeling alive' without a single thought or care to my thoughts and feelings (or hers, at the end of the day), even though I showed a lot of bewilderment and distress.

Even his therapist said 'this is not about your wife or marriage'. But I am the one who took the brunt of a lot of unpleasant behaviour.

So there are two issues here. The mental health ones, and then the lack of personal repsoniblity in dealing with them in a healthy and constructive way.
Being depressed DOES NOT give you the right to be abusive and destructive.

My ex got more and more distressed and he WAS seeing a therapist.

He talked about his mother and his confusion.

However, he failed to mention he was in an 18 month triangle and preferred her to his wife.

Until I (having had enough of the disdain) found that bitch in about 10 mins, and no therapist could have contained my pain and rage after what he had put me through. I was devastated.

He fucked it up monumentally. So much destroyed. Therapy is not a magic bullet, you have to engage honestly with it first.

ScreamingLadySutch
But that was your husband. It doesn't mean that every man with depression is the same.

No one on this thread knows that this man isn't truly clinically depressed yet they're being quick to denounce him as a twat, selfish etc.

You have no idea what financial pressures they are under or what else is going on - maybe his job is under threat, perhaps he is cracking under the strain of being the main wage earner and thus latest development means that he's going to have to carry on when perhaps he was hoping op might go back to full-time work soon.

Maybe his depression has nothing to do with a his situation and I'd just something that is happening. He's seeing a counsellor so he's trying to address this. Do you all consider women with depression self indulgent twats too, who have no right to ask for help from their partners?

Everything you say is correct. I didn't say twat etc.

But I am feeling that you are not hearing what I was trying to say. Which is also what other people have said as well.

Which is, being depressed does not give you the right to treat other people badly and frighten them.
And men DO externalise their depression (blame and vent on the people around them, look for solutions 'out there')

If you both didn’t use precautions and he was aware of that fact, I don’t understand how he can act shocked or upset by this pregnancy; surely it was a likely outcome?!

Having an affair or an indulgent little ... don't have the right word, or depression. Probe fully than stand your ground you are the one who can go hormonal right now. Don't allow him this kind of shit space. He shuts up ans sulks or go away. You are the one with the vomiting the danger to health and at the end of the day you will stick with the child. If he wants to f. o. he might as well do it immediately and properly and not take you for a ride in the process. You are too kind. You did nothing wrong, you are not responsible for his feelings nor his behaviour, so there is basically nothing you can do. It's all about him isn't it.

I would be worried about him to be honest. Could he be worried about the financial pressure of another child? Especially if you was buying a house then falling pregnant and stress from work may have pushed him over the edge. I would give him space but support. Men for some reason struggle hard with mental health and probably find it hard to talk to friends about. I know you are pregnant and this isn’t fair on you but all we hear is horror stories of young men committing suicide so I would try and be kind. So sorry for you though and really hope it works out for you all!!

We’ve talked.

He said he feels like he’s never made any decisions in our relationship/his life and has just plodded along. That I’ve never been willing to compromise and we’ve always done what I want.

He doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore or if there is any future for us. He doesn’t know how he feels about me. I don’t know if there’s any hope.

He doesn’t want to not be with the DSs. I’ve told him that he can stay in the house this week but I can’t go on pretending that everything is fine. He can’t stay with me but not love me.

I feel broken.

What an arsehole.
How dare he say all those things.
It sounds like "the script" tbh, you read about it all the time on mumsnet.
Men rewriting the history of the relationship to justify their affairs.
Whatever the reason for it, it's bullshit.
Can I suggest that you ask him to move out ASAP? You can't live with him when he's said those things.

Now is the time to talk to someone in real life. Your mum / sister / best friend... people who will rally round for you.

My mum and sister have been brilliant. Mum and dad said they’ll do whatever they can to support me however they can. Going to see my sister tomorrow.

I don’t know how to function. It’s like he’s broken but I don’t think there’s any hope for us once he’s fixed.

I just feel so very sad that the man I love doesn’t love me and that this is all happening

There's been lots of good advice on here @milksoffagain I would tend to agree with.
A young family is mentally exhausting and it sounds like you DH is struggling to cope. Is he quite an introverted person? I have two DD and find it hard going. The constant noise and mess (although a love them dearly and wouldn't change a thing) makes the thought of a third child terrifying.
Take as much family support as you can get and try to have some time together to reconnect as a couple. Even just going for a coffee or lunch without the constant hustle and bustle of kids. Sounds like you have a long road ahead but don't give up. It could possibly be a blip as you said. 💐

Well it is not your fault that he chose to plod along with life! Did he propose? Did he say 'I do' on your wedding day? Did he say 'no' to babies number 1 and 2? I would be really angry as he has been deceiving you all these years and now is blaming you for how is life has turned out. Poor him, easier to blame you for everything rather than self reflect and see that plodding along is making decisions for yourself. He didn't have to compromise either. How convenient that he is only speaking up now about what he wants in life. The problem is with him and not you or your children. Don't let him blame you. Take care of yourself and your baby and children. Xx