My heart is breaking - 20 wks pg with #3 and DH says he doesn’t love me the same anymore

[Showmethecake]

We’ve been together for 15 years, married for 5 and have 2 small DC (4 and 2). Baby #3 on the way - a surprise and I was very confused how I felt about it at first but now a wanted baby.

DH didn’t want a 3rd child and I suspect blames me for it. He hasn’t really connected with the pregnancy and has seemed distant. We haven’t talked about names, he hasn’t asked how I am feeling etc. 20 wk scan is on Monday but now everything is crashing down around me.

DH has been very anxious, stressed with work and generally snappy with us all for a couple of months. We’re looking to buy a house so I put it down to that but on Monday he told me he thought he was having a midlife crisis and that everything was crashing down in his head.

We had a chat but it was as though he has shut down and the real DH has gone. He said he just can’t work out things in his head. He saw a counsellor yesterday and we had a very emotional conversation where he eventually said he doesn’t love me the same anymore.

He said he can’t imagine not seeing the DS everyday and that he’ll love the baby when it’s born and always be here for us.

I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

Can anyone give me hope that this could be a blip (albeit a rather large one!) and maybe be does still love me but is too depressed to see?

100% an affair. My brother did the same when his DD was a year old, still doesn't like to talk about it, calls it his "nervous breakdown". Saw a counsellor, lost his job, left his wife and DD, became an official "missing person". He was shacked up with a woman 15 years older than him with grown up kids, in Bradford. The marriage survived, but nothing will ever be the same again, and 20 years later, we're all still on red-alert waiting for it to happen again. Apparently his wife gave the child too much attention 🤔

I'm sorry you're going through this. Reread everything @mathanxiety said. Do yourself a favour, and before it all comes out, make sure he understands that everything is going to be 50/50 going forward.

He finds somewhere to live with space for 3 boys, gets help with his depression, and you get on with planning your financial security.

If I'm wrong, there will be no harm done, but you'll never see yourself in this position again.

I'm absolutely not blaming you OP, but that is the biggest drip feed in the history of MN, and to me confirms that there's someone else.
What was the drip feed?

@Sunshineand - op at 6.48am

I read post and thought there'd be mention of stress or a breakdown soon enough...its always the excuse for itchy feet. A load of woe and handwringing as a pre-cursor to stepping out into a new fresh unencumbered life.

The words 'I'm depressed' are very good for stopping women in their tracks, blindsiding them into pitying Mr I Can't Be Asked With You & Family Life Anymore.

Your H is being unkind, and a dick. He wants out. Don't be surprised if there's another woman. But even if there isn't - you need to take a deep breath and get quietly practical. Make yourself aware of all financial and important documents (take photos of them where necessary) so that if he bails out, at least you have something to take to legal advisers. Protect yourself and your children. This man is not on your team, and he's messing with your mindset. Keep your eyes open.

I hope you feel better soon, its horrible when a partner just changes what you thought your future would be, like this 💐

He was emotionless. Didn’t hold my hand. Didn’t smile. Didn’t say anything

This is mental cruelty, @Showmethecake. The silent, cold reproach

You need to see a solicitor, ask what interim child support arrangement a court would approve, and plan on giving your H the heave ho in the near future.

I would love to have been a fly on the wall at his parents' house. I suspect he is laying the groundwork for a revelation of a separation, and blaming you. You could phone them and ask if they think he is coming down with something, as he doesn't seem himself. In the context of the coronavirus this might seem plausible.

Unless you want more kicking in the teeth, I would find someone else to accompany you for any further prenatal scans, tests or visits. I would also make plans to exclude him from the hospital when you deliver.

to you, congratulations on your lovely healthy baby boy.

@lborgia that wasn't a drip feed. The OP posted what her H had just said to her.

A dripfeed is when an OP adds old details.

Or old / pre-existing contextual details.

@mathsanxiety - the drip feed to which I referred was the fact that he's been out and socialising an unusual amount in recent weeks! Sorry, wasn't clear, wasn't referring to what he said.

Oops - I apologise. I misread.

But still, sometimes things that seem unremarkable at the time can gain significance when people post suggestions as to what might really be going on. If you think your H is incapable of cheating and is undergoing a MH crisis then a few months or weeks of late nights or staying away for work, or socialising more than usual, might not cause any blip of the radar, but in light of comments on a thread, certain details can re-emerge and assume a significance in your mind that they didn't have up to now.

He swears on the children there isn’t anyone else.

Well let’s hope he’s telling the truth then.

Actually I imagine this is technically true and he feels he can look you in the eye and say it because he isn’t, in his mind at least, having an affair. Yet.

If you asked him are you having an affair he might have said no because it was only a ONS and to him that’s different. An affair suggests something more regular. Or perhaps he was, but she finished it, so he feels that as your question was in the present tense he can legitimately say ‘no.’

Or if you said ‘are you sleeping with someone else?’ He might have sworn no because so far he’s not actually had PIV sex with her, but has done everything else. Or it’s emotional and involved kissing and hand holding but not yet properly physical.

There are many ways someone can lie by omission while convincing themselves that they are telling the truth.

Thanks for the support.

Obviously I didn’t intentionally drip feed.

He went to GP. No mention of depression but is having a blood test and going back in a few weeks. He is trying to see counsellor sooner and has taken time off work.

He now says of course he doesn’t want to leave, he wants to work on things. But apparently he’s felt like this for a long time and I’ve treated him badly, not listened, not put him first and took the decision about the baby away from him. I pointed out that I didn’t force him to have unprotected sex with me.

I felt more positive yesterday but today the cloud is back.

I’m going to step away from this post for a while as I can’t keep thinking there is OW. He tells me there isn’t and I’ll drive myself (even more) crazy if I don’t try and trust him.

I hope I’m not being foolish and I hope I’m not going to regret trying to support him.

I hope he sees how much he’s hurt me once he clears the fog in his brain and I hope our family of 5 has a future.

Thanks all x

OP are you okay?

We’re all so angry on your behalf.

@Showmethecake you must absolutely do what is right for you & step away if this thread isn’t helping

Don’t let him rewrite history though!! This is not your fault, he’s an adult not a helpless child unable to make his own decisions. He can’t just blame you for everything he’s unhappy about. It is right or fair and you don’t deserve it

Good luck xxx

None of this is your fault.

@TripleSeptic I completely missed that!

Whatever the outcome OP, he's put it ALL on you.
You weren't minding him.
You weren't putting him first.
You weren't doing enough.
You got pregnant...on your own.

Wishing you the best OP.

Be careful....he is putting this all on YOU to fix.

Very, very selfish man.

Please seek support IRL from family and friends.

Do what you feel is best OP. I honestly believe he is interested in if not fully sexing someone else.

I hope we are wrong I really do.

When you get a moment OP, google "gaslighting".

I wish you well

Regardless of whether or not there is another woman involved and I understand the need to believe that there isn't, this is not the behaviour of a good man.

He's making you his scapegoat. And he's doing it at the time when you are at your most vulnerable. For that alone he's a shithouse. You're carrying his child and mothering his two oldest ones and on top of all that he chooses now as the time to make you responsible for all of his problems as well. That's supremely shitty behaviour.

I'd be getting angry now OP.

"I’ve treated him badly, not listened, not put him first and took the decision about the baby away from him."

Where is your anger?

Oh the poor soul. So it’s all your fault then OP? 🙄. And the worst thing is, you seem to be buying into his narrative. What a manipulative fucker he is.

not put him first

Does he expect to come first Inna family with two young dependants?! Or is he referring to moving near your family, who support your family I presume.

took the decision about the baby away from him.

He took it away from himself when he had unprotected sex with you. Is he saying he thought you were using contraception?!

Does he realise that even if you had been failures with every kind of contraception.
But I don't think.ge thought you were, you both had unprotected sex but somehow you got yourself pregnant, are the only one responsible for the pregnancy and took a decision away from him.

A d in the spirit of all.the criticisms and grievances he has, I'm sure he sat and listened patiently and responded to all your criticisms and grievances with him in the marriage. No?

*there are failures

apparently he’s felt like this for a long time and I’ve treated him badly, not listened, not put him first and took the decision about the baby away from him.

Ok, this is classic 'had his head turned' territory because they have to make you the villain to justify the bad thing they are (thinking about) doing. Don't buy into this and blame yourself. Complete after-the-fact self-justifying bullshit. Stay as calm and detached as you can. His depression and his feelings are his responsibility. You're carrying a child and other responsibilities. Don't let him make you believe you have to put everything else down and cater to his needs.

Maybe trust about 50%?
And verify, verify, verify.

You could ask him to give you all his passwords and free access to his phone, and see how he responds.