My heart is breaking - 20 wks pg with #3 and DH says he doesn’t love me the same anymore

[Showmethecake]

We’ve been together for 15 years, married for 5 and have 2 small DC (4 and 2). Baby #3 on the way - a surprise and I was very confused how I felt about it at first but now a wanted baby.

DH didn’t want a 3rd child and I suspect blames me for it. He hasn’t really connected with the pregnancy and has seemed distant. We haven’t talked about names, he hasn’t asked how I am feeling etc. 20 wk scan is on Monday but now everything is crashing down around me.

DH has been very anxious, stressed with work and generally snappy with us all for a couple of months. We’re looking to buy a house so I put it down to that but on Monday he told me he thought he was having a midlife crisis and that everything was crashing down in his head.

We had a chat but it was as though he has shut down and the real DH has gone. He said he just can’t work out things in his head. He saw a counsellor yesterday and we had a very emotional conversation where he eventually said he doesn’t love me the same anymore.

He said he can’t imagine not seeing the DS everyday and that he’ll love the baby when it’s born and always be here for us.

I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

Can anyone give me hope that this could be a blip (albeit a rather large one!) and maybe be does still love me but is too depressed to see?

I don't think he sounds depressed at all. Stressy and snappy coupled with the things he's actually told you (out of love with you, didn't want another baby) screams affair to me too. I haven't been in your situation but I've held the hands of enough friends who were making excuses for a husband who was behaving horribly to know that there's pretty much always someone else in the picture reminding him of what it was like to be 25 again. Let's hope it's just been drinks and telling her his wife doesn't understand him, as you don't need the health risks that could go along with a full-blown sexual affair.

I think he needs to make his mind up what he wants (easier said than done, I realise) and take responsibility for the choices he makes instead of telling you he'll 'stay and be unhappy' ffs. And he needs to start by totally supporting you through your pregnancy, while you take the opportunity to make sure you get abreast of the family admin and finances, if you aren't already, just in case whoever's whispering in his ear decides she doesn't want you getting too large a slice of the pie.

I'm very sorry this is happening to you.

I’m a Psychiatrist...I think this does sound like depression.

Antenatal depression is a thing in men...anticipation and worry about entering those baby years again, the additional burden to provide for etc.

Men often seem irritable, snappy, withdrawn when depressed.

How would he respond to a suggestion that he should see his GP?

Check his phone!

A colleague of mine behaved very similarly when his wife was pregnant with #3. We were all really worried about him as it was so out of character and he was eventually treated for depression. He’s back to his normal self and dotes on his DD now she’s here.

GP, he sounds very depressed. OP can you insist on him seeing his GP as a condition of you supporting him through this?

One of the features of depression is not thinking you are ill.

I’m trying to get him to go and speak to his sister today. He still says he isn’t ill but I do think he needs to speak to his GP.

Thanks for all the replies. I really don’t think there is a OW and pray he’s been honest about that. I’ve asked several times.

A lot of what you have said resonates with me. I am also pregnant with number 3. My husband has left me. Turns out he’s had a bit on the side for two years. I really hope that isn’t the case for you.

I'm in a similar situation to you expect DS2 is 7 weeks old.

I took the line of being in control (as hard as that is, I'm devastated) and told H if he doesn't feel the same way about me anymore and is likely to stay that way, we need to talk about 50/50 joint custody l, how to tell DS5 and where he will live etc.

He went out for a drive to clear his head and came back saying he did love me after all and he was being stupid.

Now I'm in limbo figuring out if he really means it, or he's realised that he will still have responsibilities and if there is an OW having 2 DC will be a downer for their new relationship.

What I do know now, is I have a support network and financially can stay in the family home with my children in case he decides to change his mind again.

Hugs to you as being hormonal and hearing this kind of news is horrendous

@Aridane
Exactly what I thought too.

As someone who has been there, I'd say he's suffering from clinical depression. The symptoms listed upthread, and your own feelings that he's a shell of the man you know, is textbook.

I suffer from serious depression. My ex also did the same thing to me.

I’ve never fallen out of love with someone because l was depressed.

I’d have no truck with his shit at all. Tell him you feel the same way, and could he please take the dc with him until you have the baby. Because you need time and space to think too.

Hoist him on his own petard and see what happens. I feel 😡on your behalf. Wouldn’t we all love to walk away when life gets tough eh?

No advice just wanted to say how sorry I am to read this

The thing is, none of us actually knows her DH, all we know is what she's said about him, and in my experience it's also textbook for women to describe men's shitty behaviour in terms that make it sound like depression (like a shell of his former self, overwhelmed, bottling up, shutting down, distant, etc). I think we often rationalise in quasi psychological ways, but my experience is that men's bad behaviour is often simpler than that. That's not necessarily my belief - I'm sure I would rationalise in the same way if it were my DH we were talking about - but definitely my experience. Obviously, she's right to be concerned about his mental health but I also think she needs to brace herself for something less acceptable.

(Sorry to talk about you in the third person, OP.)

Hi op, this happened to me but after our 4th chid althoughmy DH wasn’t honest with me about his feelings at that point, he just withdrew emotionally. He was clearly depressed, not his usual self, we had just moved, had financial pressures, a new baby but he couldn’t admit there was anything ‘wrong’ with him (depression, MLC). It all obviously had to be my fault. I wasn’t making him happy anymore!!

I spent the next 10 years desperately trying to keep the family unit together and make him happy. Nothing I ever did was write, he continued to remain emotionally withdrawn from me. It affected my confidence, I put on weight and became depressed at which point he walked out to the greener grass!

The boys all suffered significantly as they were then teens, I had no family support nearby and too late to move when two were in secondary school.

It maybe that your DH is just having a wobble but please don’t give too much of yourself trying to sort out his issues. You need to focus on yourself and your children. Glad you have family support.

I did find out years later that he did have an affair with someone at work that time, although he still denies it and says that they were friends and she was just someone to talk to. I also never suspected at the time and was genuinely concerned for him and his mental health.

It turned out he never cared for me and my mental health and was a complete narcissist. I hope things work out better for you but there are a few red flags here about the onus being on you to make him happy, when he should be happy with what he has and focusing on you at this time.

One of the major symptoms of my depression was that I stopped loving my DH and DS. I couldn't work it out. I KNEW I loved them, but felt absolutely nothing. They were like strangers sharing a house with me. Hellish, hellish time. I eventually started to get better, and gradually my feeling returned. I would never want to go through that again.

Has anyone asked him if he’s got mh problems? When it started in my dh he acted completely out of character.

Interesting that he's having this breakdown just as you are about to buy a house together.
And if he didn't want a 3rd child he should have taken precautions to ensure that didn't happen. It's too late to cry about that FFS.
Also, everything mathanxiety said. Make sure you prioritize your well being and sanity over becoming his counsellor.

It’s totally out of character and I’m so worried that he’s having a mental breakdown.

Well, yes, it does sound like it, especially as you say he appears to be a shell of a man yet everyone appears to be labelling him a twat.

Is he worried about the financial implications of buying a house and supporting 3 children? Are you working op? Is he the sole earner? This sounds more than he's choosing to check out of the marriage. He sounds depressed.

I think he's overwhelmed and pressured. An even bigger family to take care of - missing the old days off freedom?

Can you talk about childcare and making some more time for you both as a couple? Or time with his friends?

I recognise how he's feeling but I'm a single mum of 2 and I can't just check out. It does annoy me how men feel like they can walk away from their families when it gets tough. Women don't have that choice they'd be shamed.

I am sorry this is happening to you. It could be that he is overwhelmed and depressed as there are enough factors in your life that could cause depression.

Does he socialise or have regular hobbies?

I wouldn't immediately judge him as depression in men can present differently to women. Also how one person acts whilst depressed doesn't mean everyone else is similar.

However what I have seen is that some men use the attention from other women to self medicate, in the same way people turn to drugs or alcohol which is often why mid life crisis men have affairs. They use the ego boost & escapism to lift their mood.

I work part time and he’s full time. financially we are stable but obviously the house would put extra pressure on an already stressful time.

I asked him if he’s depressed and he says he isn’t.

He did want baby #2 but I think he means that he dreaded his arrival in terms of the lack of sleep, never having anytime for ourselves etc rather than the baby himself.

I’m pulling up my big girl pants, putting on my eyeliner and taking DS to a party! Wish me luck!

If he didn't want a third child, then he should had a vasectomy or used condoms. Very very irresponsible s d unreasonable (immoral even) to have sex with you (however infrequently) and now pull this.

Putting this sort of stress and uncertainty on you when you're pregnant and when, whatever happens, you'll be shouldering the majority of the hands on hard work with a new baby on top.of two children is quite disgusting.

If it hasn't sunk your respect for him, it should.

Nice he gets to indulge in a"crisis" while you have to.hold it all together while pregnant.

Are his family aware that he's throwing a wobbler on his pregnant wife and family

But there are women posting on here all the time who are pregnant and do t want to be - posters sympathise with them and advise them. The op in fact says that initially she didn't know how she felt - why didn't she use contraception if she didn't want a 3rd child?

Maybe he didn't realise how he would feel until now when it's reality? Maybe it isn't really to do with a 3rd child but to do with the financial pressure of buying a house at the same time as having another child to support plus op not earning?

She's not the one saying she can't cope and perhaps wants out. She's holding it together.

She hadn't the option of getting out - he has.

Op works part time does she not.

Plus even if she didn't she main carer to two kids, a third soon. Why the fk would she earn.

Financial pressure big buying a house - ops dh (and op of course) has had the privilege of having a free or peppercorn rent accomodation supplied to date; most poor fuckers don't have that. He's had the opportunity to save for a deposit that others don't get cause they're paying full whack.on rent etc.